An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

A Merry Update

Friday, December 24, 2010


Merry Christmas 2010
As a family we traveled to Islamorada FL. with my parents and bother’s families.  The kids really enjoyed their first airplane ride, delays and all.  We lathered on the sunscreen and escaped any sunburns for the week.  Unfortunately, for my brother Joshua, jellyfish are not repelled in the least by sunscreen.  Thus following his painful sting, most of the swimming we did was in the pool not the ocean!  It was a fun-filled time full of memories we will not soon forget.

Ethan (5) is still our laid-back, sweet mannered guy, with the occasional testing of our discipline-consistency.  School is high on E’s priority list, he likes to be on time and we’re blessed to have Ms Janet for his teacher.  Ethan loved soccer almost as much as he loved Jacob being his coach – and if you ask us he was the best on his team J One of Ethan’s favorite places is Memaw and Papa’s lake house and he became quite the dare-devil this year – tubing, occasionally swimming without a life-jacket and jumping of cliffs!  He’s a good big brother to Charlie and she’s his cheerleader.

Charlie (3) is our princess, with an overflowing-passion for all things girly and a pretty-big dose of drama.  School for Charlie is social hour and she thrives there.  Ballet was one of the highlights of C’s year and the beautiful costume to enjoy through out the year was an additional bonus.  She ‘s the creative director of play at our house, and can often be heard asking you to call her “princess” or “queen.”  Wardrobe for Charlie is dress or bust, if there are jeans laid out to wear there will probably be tears.  Charlie was excited to get her ears pierced this year, and after gift opening she’ll have lots of options to wear.  She’s a good little sister to Ethan, and he plays along in whatever make-believe she dreams up.

Jacob and I celebrated 6 years of marriage this year.  We were blessed to take a trip to NYC.  We visited all the sites as well as enjoyed food by our favorite Iron Chef – Bobby Flay. 
Jacob transition to Olathe East High School and is enjoying teaching freshman Biology as well as Student Naturalist.  He misses coaching, but is happy to have established and leading an FCA group.
 I continue work in the PICU at KUMed part-time working the night-weekend option, which allows me to be a more rested happy mommy the rest of the time.

We have our ups and downs but love this family and life we’ve been blessed with!

Hoping this letter finds you well, and relishing in the hope and joy we have during this Christmas season.

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Merry Fisticuffs

Thursday, December 23, 2010

It was a merry Christmas eve eve
Filled with Wii boxing
Trash talking
Fun family competition,
No, I did not let my 5 year old beat me - he legitimately just can
Yes, I did let my 3 year old win (KO in the first round)- she's a sore looser


Quote of the night:
"You're no match for your little sweety!"
-Charlie to Jacob
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Be

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Because I know how you feel
I felt it once too.
Because life is sometimes hard
It just is.
Because the right way isn’t always clear
Ask.
Because you are worth more
Believe.
Because you are beautiful
See it.
Because HE loves you
He does.
Because you have a choice to make
Choose right.
Because the best possible version of yourself
Is You
Be
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Charlie-ism Christmas Edition

Sunday, December 19, 2010

This Christmas season has warranted some fun teaching moments, I love my passionate and direct girl.

Me - Who did God give us as a gift?
E & C - JESUS
Charlie - But mom, he didn't come in a box

While standing in line at the Wal-Mart, daddy's gift in hand a woman asked Charlie
"Who's going to be coming in a few days"
Unprompted, Charlie excitedly replied
"Jesus"

While leaving the Wal-Mart following the very proud mommy moment
We passed a bell-ringer.
It's our tradition to always let the kids put some change in the bucket
This bell ringer was dressed up as Santa and as Charlie placed her quarter in the red tub
She inquisitively said
"Are you the real Santa"
The man replied no, that he was one of Santa's helpers
As we walked away Charlie said
"Mom, I knew he wasn't really the real Santa, cause Santa's not real.  Right mom."
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Lame

Friday, December 10, 2010

Flexion and extension is almost impossible without wrenching pain shooting through my left elbow
Lame that it hurts
Lame that the only thing I've done this week is Jazzersize, and only once with 7 # weights
Lame
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Crack

Saturday, December 4, 2010

"Mom, how does the baby crack out of the mommy's tummy?
Did I just crack it open so I could come out or did you?"
--Ethan

My dear son, my stomach is not an egg. 
You did not hatch.
You are not a chicken.
It may be time for an anatomy lesson.
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Deck the Halls

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's my favorite time of year!
My house smells of cinnamon, and vanilla
Garland is stretched around the doorways
Lights sparkle and glimmer.
The nativity graces the top of the piano
Cookie and candy recipes are beginning to surface from the wooden recipe box
It's been a fantastic couple of days here in the G house
Now take 3 min and 11 seconds and enjoy this fun Christmas tune
Don't you wish it was Christmas today?
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2010 Thanksgiving Edition

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I am thankful :

For a God who gives me grace, strength during trial and a cup over-flowing with blessings
For a husband who reads over my shoulder while I blog, makes me cry with his hug of love and care, then makes me laugh by spouting off different "words" we could make with only 4 our of the 5 letters of P-E-A-C-E.
For a son that still wants to hold my hand and lets me hold him tight; whose mind is sharp and heart is soft.
For a daughter who challenges me to be more fun and spontaneous; whose passion is intense and imagination larger than life.
For a mom who's grown to be my friend; and who wasn't afraid to not be a friend when that's what I needed.
For the big hugs and random shoulder squeezes from a dad whose love language is time and touch.
For a brother that's honest and realistic and who rules both the office and play time.
For a  sister-in-law that's an amazing mom, aunt and best friend; whose contentment and ease of spirit encourages me to grow.
For a brother I can mentor as he opens himself; who shares his heart, his failures and his joy (I'm so proud of him).
For a girl who's my sister in Christ, who's laughter and faith has brought joy and strength to my afore mentioned brother (I hope to call you sister someday!)
For a best friend who has always been there; and whose prayer and accountability mean the world to me.
For a second family who shares life with us; whose children are as dear to me as my own; and whose friendship is unlike any other and irreplaceable.
For a life group made up of friends who encourage me in the word as we walk in the world.

I'm thankful for our home, a full fridge, cars to get us from here to there, but a life full of "stuff" would be empty without relationship.  Relationship with God, family and friends.
And so while I'm blessed with lots of stuff, mostly it's the people and my God for who I give thanks!
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Still

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Peppermint ice cream
Hot chocolate and gingersnaps
A bedtime snack perfect for cavity making
Christmas music on
Garland strewn
Stockings up
And still there an empty A
I started thinking about this
No one saw the tears well up in my eyes
I didn't cry
I didn't need to
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Dear Santa

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I don't recall ever believing in you
I thank my parents for making Christmas about Christ
I'm not against you or anything
But when we walk through the Dollar General and E says
"Maybe Santa will get this for me"
After I've told him, not today, but I'll put in on your list
I'm sincerely annoyed
And
I told him you weren't real
To which he replied
"Oh yes he is mom, I saw him one time at the mall"

For the love of a 5-year old, imagination and reality
Me
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Mommy

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I watch her dress your wounds
I watch her hurt for you - your pain is her pain
I watch her heart break
She cares for you and she loves you
Knowing your days are numbered
My heart aches for her
So, I take her love for you
And I implant it into my own heart
Two blessings soundly asleep in their beds at home
No fit too big
No attitude too ugly
For all our days are numbered
And if today is the only day I have with you
I want it to be filled with grace, love and you - just the way you are
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Dinner Music

Friday, November 19, 2010

Penne pasta, with marinara
Broccoli seasoned and topped with parmesan
Cheesy garlic toast
Three of four heads bowed in prayer
Three of four mouths enjoying the meal
One of four balling, screaming, fit-throwing in her room
Control was regained
And so four or four finished the meal
And played a mean-round of 20-questions

For the love of pasta, drama, and 20-questions,
Me
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Confession

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

He slunk to my side
Head hanging with eyes focused on the floor
He mumbled something I didn't understand
So I stooped to his level
Arms firmly on his shoulders
I asked what's wrong
His tear filled eyes met mine
And in in a whisper he confessed he had broken my necklace
I hugged him
His tears were punishment enough
And I poured out my love for him and my pride in his decision
We walked hand in hand to the bathroom to uncover the damage
He had to riffle through the bag to find it
And I saw the turmoil in his heart...
Already tempted to hide and to lie
But choosing right
So young to feel the pressure of sin
May I guide you in the path of righteousness
And may you always feel lead to let me in
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Feathers and jewels

Monday, November 15, 2010

There was no arguing or fighting
Bead after jewel, after puff paint, after feather, after split-pea, after pasta, after pom-pom
We pasted and stuck and arranged
Two turkey's later,
I'm just over-flowing with gratitude to a God who would bless me with this family
They are the feathers in my boa and the jewels in my crown
Charlie's Turkey
Ethan's Turkey

My Turkeys
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Love

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Their brows furrowed with concern
Bodies empty and exhausted
Minds anxious and filled with worry
A sip of water
A warm blanket
Holding hands
A kiss on the forehead
Hospital beds too small to fit a couple, the cot cuddled up beside will have to do
Eyes watch as the chest struggles to rise and pain embeds the face of the one they love
Nurturing, rocks of strength at the bedside
Crumbling hearts of hurt as they step outside the door
Ready to not
They're not
Death is upon the one they love
Maybe not today
Hopefully
And so they sit,
Still in love, watching them wither away
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Flush

Wednesday, November 3, 2010



Tonight we flushed four hundred dollars down the toilet.  
Four hundred dollars that was reserved for Christmas shopping on Saturday.
Four hundred dollars earned elbow deep in diapers, NG tube feedings and formula, at the cost of sleep
It's hard not to be bummed
But I can do laundry, flush the toilet, run the dishwasher and take a shower all at the same time now!



For the love of modern conveniences ie: indoor plumbing,
Me



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Happy Halloween

Monday, November 1, 2010

What cereal do ghosts eat for breakfast ?
-- Boo-berry crunch

What ride does ghosty like the best ?
-- The roller-ghoster


What do you call an empty hot dog who likes halloween ?
-- A happy halloweenie
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Hair

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Heidi Klum Hairstyles
Tuesday I had a hair appointment.  I was channeling Hedi Klum.  I didn't pull up a picture but I was pretty sure I gave a good description.  Not really much of a change from what I currently had, but a little.
Gallery image 21




I must have not given as clear of description as I had thought.  Unfortunately, for me,  I ended up with something that looks more like the   "Rachel" from the 90's.  I already tried this cut my Jr. year of HS and it didn't take too well.  Upside: Since the 90's someone invented the straightening iron for use outside the salon inside the home - and I own one.  







For the love of change, ponytails, more ponytails and vitamins to speed hair growth.
Me
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Yesterday

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

  • I lost my voice
  • It's hard to communicate to your 3 and 5 year old in a whisper
  • I asked Ethan is he was hungry and he replied "wait....what do we agree on?" (go ahead, whisper are you hungry and see what it sounds like!)
  • I started a daily devo- blog (because I need more consistency)
  • I woke up to encouraging notes and scripture taped all over our house
  • I stepped in dog poop on our family walk 
  • It felt like fall
  • We cleared off some DVR space with TV catch up night
  • I got to rest
  • Was a great day, no voice and all
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Joshua

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Your cookies already gone
But your voicemail holds a silly Happy-Birthday song
How I miss my friend, who tells me how it is
Even if I'm not ready to hear it
Who listens, amidst the chaos of kids
Who gave me an amazing sister and best friend
Who crawls on the floor and chases all the kids, a real kid at heart
Who's an incredible dad and loving husband
It's your birthday today
And I'm remembering the days of Burgers and Chiefs games

I love you Joshua!
Happy 27th birthday
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Whole hearted, but halfway

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My whole heart is for God
My whole heart is for my husband and kids
My whole heart is for my family
My whole heart is for my friends
My whole heart is for the girls and staff at House of Hope
My whole heart is for our service at church
My whole heart is for giving great care to the patients at work
And I wholeheartedly want to have a house that's clean and welcoming
But, sometimes my efforts are so divided my whole heart and effort feels like halfway
Just barely keeping up

Lesson learned
1. Saying No is okay - especially when the yes feels like "one more thing"
2. Baking cookies and playing front-yard whiffle ball is something to say YES to
3. Working more + sleeping less = An increased effort of self-control to keep it together and get things done
4. I love my family
5. I need to make more room for God every day, consistently
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Nine

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Just nine-
Nine weeks.
That's what the expectant mom said
And my nightmare of nine seeped from my memory
So, I distracted myself with grumbling about sand
As I watched Charlie's toes disappear into the giant litter box
The picture of her tiny body, still and frozen at nine weeks, clouded my mind
A gulp of water helped to dam up the tears
But the emotion of it all slowly faded into the background
As I watched Ethan run and Charlie tip toe
As I listened to the anticipation of new life and growing families
As I felt the warm sun caress my face and the gentle breeze tease my hair
I made peace, again, with loosing her
And I'm ok
I'm better than ok
I'm thankful
I'm content
I'm happy
And so is she
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Ways I'm like Paula Dean

BUTTER
I use only sweet-cream (typically store-brand) butter when baking
That's it.
So I guess a more appropriate blog title would be:
Butter - the one way I'm like Paula Dean
And in the spirit of TV cooking personalities,
If you need an easy dessert try this
1 can cherry pie filling
1 can crushed pineapple (drained)
1 box yellow cake mix
1 stick butter (melted)

In an 8x8 greased baking dish mix cherry filling and pineapple
Stir cake mix into melted butter
Top filling with the cake-butter mixture
Bake at 350 for 30 min or until the top is lightly brown and the filling bubbly

Cheers!
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Just another manic

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tuesday?
No, That's not how it goes.
I need a creative day
I'd like to put my playlist on shuffle, pick out photos to edit-print-and fill up the frames cluttering my bedroom floor, I'd like to write an amazing blog about Sunday's sermon and how I balled to Toby Mac's "Loose your way" while car dancing,fist pumping, and singing at the top of my lungs with Ethan and Charlie
Instead I made microwave cinnamon-sugar oatmeal and toast
Cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher and
Put dishes away from the clean side of the sink
I polished off yesterday's pot of coffee with extra hazelnut creamer (because the coffee was a tad strong - it was from yesterday)
I swept and swiffered the upstairs floors
I'm in the process of making rye bread (a first)
And I have a date to make peanut butter cookies with my favorite sous-chefs after Max and Ruby
I need to work on the October budget, but I'll probably hang out with a friend and her kids instead (and I'm not even a little bit sad about that trade of events!)
The photos can wait - and I'm sure my sous-chefs would love a little baking music

For the love of toast, little helpers, daily tasks and a life simply lived
Me
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Love letters

Saturday, October 9, 2010

College ruled, creased and crisp
Passed under desks or in the hall
I remember the excited feeling, a fluttering in the pit of your stomach
I really am the luckiest -
I found a guy who still likes to write me love letters (sometimes even poetry)
He still writes to me on college ruled notebook paper
It's not always crisp, often wadded and wrinkled, and sometimes it's a recycled masterpiece
Strategically placed atop my pillow, was a note
My hands held the paper and my stomach fluttered in anticipation
Love letters, much like love, get better with age
And as I drifted off to sleep his words saturated my mind
The best lullaby I can imagine
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Impossible

Friday, October 8, 2010

It's impossible to defrost meat in the microwave (my microwave) while cooking pancakes on the griddle with the light on over the stove while running the dishwasher and keeping the fridge cool.
Trust me, I tried (3-times).  That's 2 more breaker-box trips than necessary to really know it's not possible.
Oh well!
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So it begins (or continues)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

NO-Eat-Out-October is upon us
You are probably thinking, really?
I didn't know that was a thing?
It's not, it's just something we're trying.
And 5-days in we've been very successful
I love that it's soup weather, and that I have some of mom's left-over vegetable beef soup in the fridge
I've been rummaging through recipes
And trying to keep it healthy
Traveling was easy with a  little planning and some help from igloo
My coffee pot has been getting a work-out
But, I need a travel cup to lessen the Starbucks temptation
I'm sure around day 15 I'll be missing Chick-fil-A with this weather change
But for now the challenge of planning, self-control, delayed-gratification and saving money is exciting and motivating.
Time to continue the motivation into marinating chicken
Because if you don't plan dinner at 10am while cleaning up the breakfast dishes, the 6pm dinner rush attacks and you'll find yourself with frozen chicken, idea-less, resorting to eating out.
Happy No-Eat-Out-October friends.
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Say It

Monday, October 4, 2010

Say the hard thing
Be yourself, with as little drama as possible
Sometimes it's not possible
Cry
Hug
Work at relationships, because they take work
Lots of it
Forgive
And know you're better for it all
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Falling

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There are several reasons I enjoy fall
Mostly it's the weather change
But it's also;
Napping to football on Sunday afternoon cradled in my husbands lap
Sweat free family walks and bike rides
Colored leaves
Crunching acorns in the drive that tell me someones here
Spiced apple cider
Chillie and frittos and sharp cheddar (and it has to be sharp)
Picking out Halloween costumes and candy
Pumpkin-spice lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin cheesecake, and pumpkin pie
The clothing possibilities that comes with layering
Jeans
The pumpkin patch
Baking Thanksgiving pies
And the Christmas countdown
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A fast 5

Friday, September 24, 2010

This birth-day in comparison to the day of your birth was;
Fun-filled - I wouldn't call labor fun
It was directed by you - exactly like your debut
Your laughter was contagious and unconfined- tears were the only thing we shared on the day of your birth
Today was seemingly painless, minus the nagging twinge I feel for the loss of your tiny-ness and dependence on me
I spent a considerable amount of time hunched over your tiny body begging God to heal and protect you then - today I just thanked Him for the healthy growing boy you are
I got to hold you for the first time - at bedtime you asked me to sleep with you for 1 minuet (which turned into 10, and you hugged me and teased me that now you might be too old to give me hugs - I convinced you, a boy is never too old to hug his mom, and another hug followed)
Tonight you said "I love you mom"

It seems like yesterday.  That long day of labor at the hospital, surrounded by family and visited by friends.  And than another long week would follow as we prayed for you, and waited for you to be well and ready for us to bring you home.  But that was five years ago - how you've grown, and so have I.
Love you Ethan!
Your hug-able mommy forever
Me
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Birth-DAY, told in pictures

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Birthday Morning (Kerplunk)

Birthday pancake (cinnamon-chocolate chip)

Birthday haircut (spiky just like daddy)

Birthday lunch (God is great, God is good, thank you for our...nuggets)

Birthday root beer

Birthday Play

Birthday ice cream

Birthday presents

Birthday pranks

Birthday bouncing

Birthday gaming

Birthday bed-time snack

Birthday hygiene


Birthday Bible reading


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G-fam

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I was blessed with a "second-family" as a child
And again as an adult
Their friends, but ones who we grow beside
Whole family growth
This was a G-family filled weekend
We've been missing them since school started
I can't believe our kids are in school
And that this week my oldest turns 5
5!

For the love of second families, aging, ear piercing and a cup-runneth over blessed weekend
Me
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Brothers, Baby bottles, Beauty Rest and Lots of...

Friday, September 17, 2010

For the grand-total of 2.5 days I was responsible for 4-children
- that's two more children than hands!
We acquired a pair of brothers, from my brother while he and my sister visited the Windy City for the Tool-show, which Jacob made several puns about
-that's my guy, I just laugh with him!
The brothers like, my pair are 15 months apart, one is spunky - the other chill
-I give a cyber-pat on the back to myself, and every-other mom of multiple children-less than 2yrs apart out there, what were we thinking 
They are both in diapers, and for some-reason my two think diapers are both gross and hilarious
My diaper skills were tested but I came out unscathed
-I almost forgot how great potty trained children are (note: trained, past tense -as in done training because that part is not so great)
One is lovingly nick-named "the stinky monster" - the other "sweet boy" (a'la E and C)
One drinks from a bottle - the other anything he can get his hands on
-I remembered how much I dislike formula; the smell, the sticky residue that clings to my counters, and..I can't think of why else, but the smell alone should be enough.  
My broom and pick up skills may have been perfected
-Additionally, my floor would like to thank the maker of sippy-cups, lids and straws - whoever you are

It was a lot of work
My husband pitched in a lot 
We had a lot of fun
We didn't get a lot of sleep
I drank a lot of coffee

And I pose a question how does the mom of four shower on a regular basis?

For the love of nephews and a lot more good times to come
Me





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Crayon on the wall

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Fact- The dinning room doubles as art room
Fact- My children didn't always color on paper as directed
Fact- Sometimes my life resembles the trim scratched, scared, and imperfectly colored with crayon.

As I meticulously painted, I had a God moment.
He's the painter, and my life is the trim
He's patient applying coat after coat
Covering up the misapplied crayon, and the scrapes.
And I'm so thankful
I don't deserve it, but He makes me beautiful and everyday is new.
Thank you Lord!
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Carpenter ant

Monday, September 13, 2010

As I sat watching paint dry, literally, piening over the 1" angled brush I passed up at the Home Depot
An ant waltzed through the wet trim, and I said to him
"Ant for having a name like carpenter you're not being very mindful of the drying paint"
He didn't answer
I didn't smash him,
But I did get all the trim, molding and casing painted today.
For the love of bugs and productivity
Me
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Kids say the....

Sunday, September 12, 2010

"Wow mom, you look better than normal" - Ethan

"No, no, no, I'm not princess - I'm Vicki" - Charlie (but did you really need me to assign a name to this one!)

"Mom, I already know that, why do you keep telling me!?" - Ethan (I'm afraid this will not be the first or last time I hear something similar)

"Mooooommmm, Why do you keep telling me you love me" - Charlie (apparently not a "words" love- language recipent)

"Memaw, Briggs isn't my cousin anymore - he's my friend now" - Ethan (friend being an upgrade)

"Mom, lets close our eyes so they can't see us" - Chalrie
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Fashion 101

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ethan...Hey mom, can I wear these.
Me...no
Ethan...is that a rule
Me...yes, a style rule
Ethan...ok, I'll wear my light up shoes

Not sure that light up shoes fit into the category of styling fashion, but when you're 4- I guess it's ok! 
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Dropped it

The ball that is
You see you turned 23, 10 days ago
So, Happy 23 and 10 days!
You've been far away, and not so far away this year
We've talked more than [I think] ever
I'm glad you want to talk to me
Sometimes you make me feel old
Sometimes you make me feel wise
Not sure that I'm either yet
You've found someone new, dare I say your forever someone
She's good for you, really good
And I may be wondering when down on one-knee/rock moment is, but I we don't have to talk about that
Unless you want to
So when did you say that moment was coming
Are you laughing at me yet
So in your 24th year I wish for you
Joy in the moment
A new pair of shoes
More Monopoly
Less miles on your truck, but the same amount more M-time
Love like you never knew possible
Forgiveness
Smiles and Happy tears
And
I may secretely be praying you get your own Charlie-girl (but not this year)

Love you littlest brother!
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Reality is...

Friday, September 10, 2010

~NOT found on MTV, E, Bravo or The CW, although ABC's Wipe-Out is pretty dog-gone real-funny
~Most people in the world are not famous
~Famous is a very relative term
~Making the hard decision
~There are consequences for your actions
~Seldom glamorous
~Being okay with you, just you
~Making a budget, and spending only what you make (and yes it's as fun as it sounds sometimes)
~I've made mistakes
~If you're reading this from the comfort of your American home that you're blessed beyond blessed
~Not always "fun"
~Your body changes after you carry and birth a baby, additionally you'll never get the flat stomach back you might have been so proud of
~Life is messy, and requires lots of forgiveness and grace
~I'm forgiven
~We're called to a greater purpose
~It's not about me - and I'm totally good with that (most days)
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Like a weed (in the best possible way)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Reading Sara Trollinger's Unglued & Tattooed as part of my House of Hope ministry preparation
Has been eye opening, difficult, and at times makes me physically ill.
Like I have to put it down or I'm afraid I will vomit (and I'm only through the second chapter).

Speaking of vomit, a bag of it leaked on me, my fun yellow purse, and Trollinger's book as I dared to hold it arms length out the window as we trekked up the winding road home from the lake.
I have my brother to thank for the root beer filled belly of my 4 year old.

Anyway.

I look at my beautiful, head-strong, passionate, imaginative Charlie and I can't picture 13, or 17 or 19
Except I can, and my stomach churns
And so I pray for a "Caleb" to come along side me and say
"We can do it -Yes, God can accomplish this work"
Because I know God has also called me to balance, and my children need my investment in them
And although patience is a virtue it's not one I naturally possess in great quantity
So I pray and I wait
And in the wait :
I'll keep reading because knowledge is power, and I'm going to need a strong stomach
And I'll pray some more, because He's listening and has the answers
And I'll continue in my devotion time, to know Him better
And I'll  finish my prayer card, so my thoughts and prayers are rooted in scripture

So my faith is growing like the proverbial weed
I'm filled with excitement and anticipation of how God is going to move.
And praying his movement isn't prefaced with a time of wandering in the dessert before He knocks down the walls.  Guess that would really grow my patience!

For the love of rooted growth, and patience in small doses!
Me
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Confessions of a working mom

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Let's face it, all moms are working
And if you disagree;
1. maybe you should adjust your view, and
2. you're wrong
I just happen to work both in and out of my home
Now back to the subject at hand, which is also numbered
1. I cooked dinner only once this week (and that was because I was scheduled to take dinner to a new mom) -FAIL
2. This was my one shift week
3. It's budget week (guess that's not really a confession)
4. I'm contemplating a two-year plan that will radically change my "work" and schedule
5. Chick-Fil-A was dinner twice this week - FAIL, but YUM
6. The clean laundry is piled, not so neatly, in a laundry basket hidden in the basement - FAIL
7. I don't iron - Is it a fail if you just don't?
8. I wash both colors and whites at the same time (on the cold cycle, of course) - FAIL
9. Laundry is my nemesis (see #6 through #8)
10. Jacob irons his dress-shirt in the wee hours of the morning himself (see #6 and #7) - AWESOME HUSBAND

I'll gladly fail at these things weekly;
If it means I get to play with the kids at the park, and the pool.
If it means I can volunteer more, and kiss my afore mentioned awesome husband more.
If it means I have more time to give back to God in devotion and prayer.

So here's to another week filled with pulling this mornings wrinkled outfit from a basket, in-frequent cooking, and more failing :)
For the love of quality time,
Me
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Break the fast

Tuesday, August 31, 2010



Battle of the Breakfast Choice                     


340 calories VS. 280



Guess which one I choose!  The Colby-cheese egg whites on whole wheat 45 cal per slice toast with strawberries....eating right just gets easier and easier one choice at a time  :)

 For the love of egg whites - Happy Choosing
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The Word

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you (Isaiah 66:13)

Let no one deceive you with empty words. (Ephesians 5:6)

But look, your are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless. (Jeremiah 7:8)

Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

The Holy One is our Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth.  The Lord will call you back...and with deep compassion I will bring you back...I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:5b-8b)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

...Ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. (Jeremiah 6:16)

Obey Me and I will be your God and you will be my people.  Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. (Jeremiah 7:23)

The Mission of Our Healing Home:
The the girls who leave this place will -- 
Be able to discern what is best, and
be pure and blameless.
Going out in joy, led forth in peace 
as salt and light to the world.
(Isaiah 55:1a, Matthew 5:13-16 & Philippians 1:9-11)


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The Call

Monday, August 30, 2010

If you have been reading my blog recently - you've seen a little piece of what's on my heart
My "big heart" as mom put it.
God has been binding up pieces of my life experience (all 28 years!)
Lightening the burden my heart carries -because it's His too
And weaving a vision through scripture into my life
Matthew 9:36-38 : When he saw the crowds He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd.  Then He said to His disciples; The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.


I get so wrapped up in my day to day grind
I'm selfish
I was missing the helpless and harassed
That's why God strategical placed her, and him and her in my path
I refuse to be anymore
See, I've always been a little skeptical when
I've heard others talk about receiving "the call" or being "called"
I apologize
Maybe God doesn't have a specific call for each of us?
Maybe before I wasn't able or ready to listen?
But, now that I've heard there's nothing else I can do that will feel right until I am doing this work.
And so, I guess that's what it feels like to be called.
I am a doer, sometimes to my demise
But in doing something about this I will not fail, for He is with me
ACTIONS
Thursday I met with the director of House of Hope KC
I shared my heart, she shared her story.
And today I go for Big-Sister orientation
It's a start, a small step in the journey to;
Someday having our own non-for-profit organization and home for healing teen girls

God can use me 
I am confident in Him
Pray with me
And if you feel called join with me!



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Just another First

Tuesday, August 24, 2010



First Day of School 2010
I can't believe how fast you grow.  Or the difference in this first day vs. last years.                       
You carry your bag with such pride and your marvel comic folder has a holder.  You smile so I'm sure to capture the space between your bottom teeth!  I can't believe how tall you are but, we've got to work on your posture :)
Your eyes are closed, but your still absolutely beautiful.  
Your smile says it all!  You dance from side without a care, you love school.  
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Positive-Encouraging

Friday, August 20, 2010

I love Google
I don't Bing, I Google
And here was the google topic for the day
"Non-for-Profit organization, Emotionally-hurting teenage girls"
Then I turned on the radio, to the only radio station I turn on
97.3 K-LOVE
And they advertised needs for the House Of Hope
So I googled
= Home for "healing teens"
And I prayed
With an excited heart
Then I called :
And I have a meeting with the director on Wednesday
http://www.houseofhopekc.org/
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Like a ton o' bricks

My heart just kept aching
My head wheeling
My hands busy with daily tasks

Tuesday, rest time for the kids=devotion time for me
I'm still not sure where I started,
But it hit me
And verse after verse, they all seemed to mesh together,
Woven purposefully by someone greater, for something greater
3 pages of my MOPS personalized journal later,
(Although filled with just as many more questions than answers)
There was a clear vision for what these hurting girls needed - God; His Love and His Rest
A name for a House and a Mission statement for the needy souls God loves so deeply
Tears welt up in my eyes
I felt inadequate, and
Like the calling was too big, because it is (it's God-sized)
And a little afraid that Jacob would think I was crazy, he didn't
Instead he said "if anyone can do it you can...where do we start"
To which I started crying again
He took my vision, encouraged it, and made it his own!

And so here I sit; on the verge of something greater than myself
Filled with joy, a lot of questions, a little anxiety and  saturated with  hope- that God can use me to make a difference.

Please pray with me and for me as I start this journey.
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Shhhhhh

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sounds of bedtime are assumed to be the humm of a fan, the chirp of a cricket, the tumbling of the dryer, the solem creaks and groans of a home as it falls asleep
At my house it's the thump of a foot against the wall or the swosh of restless sleepers, the whispered words and giggles of a three and four year old, the scampering of little feet during a midnight run to the toilet, the "ahem" as the afore mentioned four year old crowds into bed.
Sweet, and anything but solem.
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Dear Charlie

Monday, August 16, 2010

You have the capacity within you to be amazingly strong
You are passionate and beautiful
Others are drawn to you and you lead unknowingly
I want to equip you to be strong in the things that matter
To believe in and hold firm to your convictions
I want you to have passion for the truth
And as you naturally lead, lead others down the road less traveled
I want you to feel beautiful
And understand that real beauty is rooted on the inside
Displayed on the outside in things much greater than clothes and hair styles
I want you to be you, even if your passion, and strength at 3 are a little hard for me to handle
Because all too soon, you won't be 3 anymore
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Love them

And I love how Jacob can make them smile

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Broken

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Over 8 years time I'm still unaccustomed to seeing some at their worst
15, and suicide attempt number 4
Is the world really so different since I was 15?
And then there's all the big questions of why, how, it's unfair etc.
In my heart I know the answer...
It is simply that we live in a sinful, broken world.
But it doesn't make me feel better
It doesnt' make her life any easier
So
I gaze into your sad eyes
Alone, lonely
Broken and with out hope
What has stolen your childhood
Is it really that the teenage pressures for you too great
I think it's something more
Something your cuts show, but that you can't say
You believe in God you say
You think you might deserve hell
Thing is, we all do
But instead I say
God loves you, He treasures you
And there is nothing you can do so terrible that he won't forgive you.
I questioned that once
He restored me.
And here I am
Sitting quietly listening to your despair
Praying silently over you in my heart
And hoping you will be able to hear the truth I speak through all your pain
I am broken for you
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Degrees of comfort

There are only so many layers you can discard, and still be considered dressed
I mean it's really not appropriate to run errands in your BVD's
--does that brand still exist?
The thermometer reads 102, the heat index is 107 (whatever that means)
I'm not supposed to fill up with gas until after the sun has set
Insert a visit to the local pool - ahhhhhh.
The car sitting in the sun reads 110
Ethan asked if 110 was as hot as fire
I told him I was pretty sure that fire was hotter than 110
And I could tell he was mulling something over in his mind
Charlie cried because her car seat was too hot
And muttered something about the air conditioner
Then Ethan interjected "so, hell is even hotter than 110,
That's really hot!"
And I grinned while making my own mental rationalization of his statement:
temperature of 110 = hot, fire = hotter, hell filled with fire, hell=really hot
He's been asking a lot of questions lately, a lot.
Then I scolded Charlie for complaining about the heat, and insisted that she "get control"
{Insert deep breath} control - check
And notified them both that a lot of people didn't have air conditioning
At which they both marveled
And it was quiet.
Then I wrote a blog complaining about the heat.
It's August, and I'm ready for December.
It's just so much easier to be dressed in December.
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J

Saturday, August 14, 2010

She's been dealt a tough-hand
Although, I'm not entirely sure a poker-metaphor accurately describes life
Hers has been hard.
She awakens everyday to the knowledge that today
Her heart beat is more dependant on the medication than the last
And she wrestles with the pain inflicted by that life-preserving medication
With life comes pain, but I never imagined it this way, her way
We muse over Twilight and Robert Pattinson  Edward, it's a good distraction
After all who doesn't want to be loved that way. 
What?- didn't you know it's really a love story, that just happens to feature vampires

Dear Robert --
It would be amazing for her to meet you
She sure could use a dream come true
At 18 the desires of your heart aren't always rational
but I still pray that she'll get them.

Yet, my hearts true prayer for her is that someday she gets to meet Jesus
And that I can be a channel through which she can see His love. 
Because that's a real love story, written for us at the expense of His blood, His tears, His life.
And no matter what this life holds He knows our pain, He wants our worries, and He's patiently waiting for us to let Him in, because He will love us best. 
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Inspired by shark week

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Because sometimes you have to play the role of the quick, but not quite quick-enough defenseless seal.




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To whom it may concern,

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I know this girl...
Who:
Loves the Lord, and knows the Word ("knows" it, like can quote me the passage from Psalms that she's been praying for me)--amazing
She makes me smile, makes me laugh, gives the best hugs and loves my kids
Lord of the Rings is her favorite
She's way smart, but not weird smart (you know there's a difference)
Is beautiful but never flaunts it (and the Gazelle is her regular form of exercise)
She:
Deserves the best, and
Is a life long friend


With her :
You can bank on owning a dog (specifically a lab)
-- or maybe you already have one?
Snow skiing would be a favorite vaca
Eating out is built into the budget (but who doesn't' love to eat out)
-- maybe you can cook?
You'll have your own live-in nurse and therapist
Whole Foods will be your grocery source
You will never lack for hand-sanitizer (let's face it, it is a germy world)
-- agree?
You get a prayer warrior and a cheerleader
Organic is a way of life, until you drive past a Dairy Queen
Art is both a hobby and a source of income (happy to be her first paying customer)
-- what's your hobby?
Your heart will be full
And while we all know the perfect girl doesn't exist, maybe she's perfect for you!
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Happy Birthday Baby...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

August 4th was your due date
If you were anything like your older sister, you would have come on your own terms
But let's face it there can be but ONE Charlie!
I am sure we would not be remodeling...but I am sure I would be decorating, and planning, and baking, and welcoming all the family and friends that would gather to celebrate you!
One year of life
You'd make a great addition to the imaginary world of your brother and sister
And you'd fit smack in the middle of your cousins (although I'm not sure you'd be ready to keep up with the Hurricane)

If I let myself,
I see that day and I can feel it all over again
The panic, the confusion, the disbelief, the pain
My hand squeezes your daddy's
My eyes search the screen for your movement
My ears strain to hear the beat of your heart
And for a second my eyes leave you to scan the face of the technician
And then I do it all over again, because I'm missing it, all of it
You're body is still and your heart is silent
You're gone
And my heart breaks because already I love you, already you're mine
I thought you were mine to keep
But HE had a different plan
You were always HIS, mine only for a few weeks
But you made me stronger, made me trust HIM more
And I know someday you'll welcome me HOME; I can't imagine your face, but I'm sure I'll know it and there HE will keep us both!

I cried for you again today baby girl.
I don't let myself very often.
But today is your day - so for today it's okay.
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21st Century

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Register


So I registered my iPhone and now I can mobile blog
The details of which I am still sorting out,
BUT I am sure the transfer of pics from iPhone to blog will be accomplished with very minimal effort
Dear self,
Welcome to the 21st Century
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Eggs etc.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Remember the movie Run Away Bride?
She kept running because, turns out she didn't know who she really was
I was that girl -
the one that wanted the brand name clothes so I'd be the same as you
and the one who liked the music on your radio, because it was yours
and the one who compromised
and the one who lost her way

But I'm not that girl anymore
And most of it started when I met him - my tall-skinny, dark haired-brown eyed, knight in shining armour who also doubled for court jester
Simply because, he liked me just the way I was
And he still does...

It just feels really great to be me
I'm far from perfect
But I'm forgiven
And although I haven't run (okay lets face it an 11 min mile isn't really running)
So, I haven't jogged in over 4 weeks, my weight's still down AND
I can squeeze into my skinny jeans - the only problem with squeezing is the muffin top that squishes out the top
Jacob says the top of the muffin is the best part...
I put the jeans back into the closet!
I love being a mom, and my kids make me smile as well as prematurely gray
I have great friends
My family is amazing and I love them
Sometimes I say awesome with a very non-awesome connotation
I miss Josh and Abbey
Coffee is best with conversation; and Starbucks, although over-priced, is my favorite
My spaghetti sauce comes from a jar and the brand is Classico
I wish Extra still made the Winter fresh flavor, but Cobalt is a fare substitute
Buying in bulk at Sam's doesn't always save me $ (did you know chocolate raisins come in bulk?)
I'm so excited for Jonas and Megan, awe love!
Redecorating our house has been so much fun, just wish the budget was unlimited
Can't wait to hang my new art-work in my refurbished rooms
I'm praying for this girl
I like my eggs scrambled, just slightly overcooked so they're not watery with lots of salt topped with sharp cheddar cheese, AND over-medium, AND as a veggie omelet, AND as an egg sandwich (whole wheat toast- american cheese and mustard), BUT NOT covered in hollandase.

Not everyday feels this good to be me
But I'm glad today does!

--How do you take your eggs?
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Recent Favorite [Ethan] Quotes

"Mom, I miss you more than everybody misses somebody"
--Ethan (during our goodnight phone call)

"If you want Jesus then you don't have to die...I want Jesus!"
--Ethan (following the one-verse-gospel night at VBS)
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The Creative Me...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The one that transcribes emotion and recaps the days in words,
Sometimes with wit and flare
Has been out to lunch
On a coffee break
And is still taking five.
The words just aren't coming - ever feel like that?
BLANK
But not in a blankety-blank way
Just blank.

So here's to the creative me...
That made a diaper cake and created a red-tape themed baby-shower
That tore off paneling and has the dirty snot to prove it
That's commissioning art work from a talented and beautiful friend to coordinate with my new orange wall and Urban outfitters curtains
That's also trying to be budget conscious while falling in love with a Crate & Barrel multi-colored shag rug and contemplating how fabulous it could be to replace the dilapidated microfiber sued green couches with a new sleek and modern chocolate brown sofa/love seat set that I happened to stumble on while browsing NFM.

Peace, Love and Budget creativity!
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Break out the Crystal

Friday, July 9, 2010

We did...



And then we crowded around our dinner table
We rejoiced in friendships, and God while wiping the BBQ sauce from our chins
As the 'Smokin'-Gunn' rib bones piled up we shared proposal stories
And heart wrenching prayer request, along side uplifting praises and baby news
We licked our fingers clean, and "did" the dishes via a Glad trash bag

So break out the Styrofoam "china"
Buy a box of "crystal"
Take time to love and enjoy the ones you love
The ones you've been blessed with
Hug them and Kiss them, well some of them!
Don't take a second for granted
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Hypothetically

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I don't know how I'd manage without you
I'd be a mess if you were gone
I would want you to remarry, and be happy again
Please, tell the kids about who I was and how they remind you of me

Tears welled up in the corners of your eyes
My hand caressed your cheek
And you pulled me close
Silence encompassed us, but it was peaceful and right
And so we laid there
In love
Thankful
Trusting
Praying God's hedge of protection would be ever present
And
High enough to keep out the hypothetical
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Eclipsed

Thursday, July 1, 2010


In anticipation of the Eclipse movie release:
Insert eye roll from mom (it's okay, you can skip this post)
Friday-Saturday I re-read the book (that's 629 pages in two-days...for the 3rd time)
Jacob said my request for the last book Breaking Dawn was like me asking his permission not to talk to him for two-days, but he gladly shelled out the 12$ after teasing me about being a 14 year old :) --he's so good at making me happy!
Tuesday I got together with my oldest friend (who shares my silly enthusiasm) and we watched both Twilight and New Moon on her Flat Screen.
And after a week of anticipation, last night, we filed into the Fork & Screen theatre (specifically picked to avoid the teenage girl outbursts, as well as the appearance that we may like it as much as the teenagers-which of course, we do). We settled in our plush chairs surrounded by other middle-aged women (am I middle-aged?)and watched on the edge of our seats as the book we love came to life.
The food was good.
Our waitress was team Jacob, but we didn't hold it against her.
There were a few laughable outburst (none of which came from our row)!
But we did laugh.
The time flew by, I think we could have sat through another hour...
My uncritical review; LOVED IT!
I told my friends goodnight and drove home to my "Edward"
Who is ironically named Jacob!
For the love of a Vampire romance -- me (and yes I'm 28, not 14)
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Childlike Faith

Thursday, June 24, 2010

1 Corinthians 2:5
...that your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Jacob "Ethan, who is Jesus?"
Ethan "God."
Jacob "Who is God?"
Ethan "Jesus."
Jacob "Who is the Holy Spirit?"
Ethan "God."

And there it is the trinity in it's most perfectly understood, unquestioned form.
3 in 1, a concept we twist and turn trying to understand.
But without question full of faith my 4(and a 1/2) year-old gets it.
Because HE said, it is.
God is fully himself, fully Jesus and fully lives within us as the Holy Spirit.
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A Little PIece of Heaven

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


In paradise with those who know me best
Flaws and all, frustrations and forgiveness
Joy found in building a sand castle, just to watch the waves wash it away
Peace in the beauty of a sunset while cradled by my husbands arms
Knowing the love that's meant in my dad's rough-housing
Prepping asparagus with a brother, cooking fresh fish, making strawberry shortcake
Getting to know a girl I hope to one day call sister
Listening to my little brother sound just like dad
Watching the excitement of my kids, that's found in contentment with what's around them.
Caring for the tough brother after a jelly fish attack
Chasing a nephew, cuddling the other
Chatting and sharing life with the sister I miss so dearly when I'm at home burried in life
Hugging mom and admiring how she works tirelessly, requiring no recognition
Taking mental (and digital) snapshots of mom and dad being grandparents, loving parents, good friends and in love
Wonder in the beauty of God's creation and the awesomeness of his creativity
Cherishing my husband, and how he notices and cares for me and our children
Listening, really listening to God in my devotion time
Splashing and swimming in the pool, feeding fish and rinsing off sandy feet
Being a daughter
Being a sister
Being a wife
Being a mom
Being an aunt
Being a friend
Being a child of God
Surrounded by children of God
There's not much on earth that's better than this.
Peace-Waves-Sunshine and Joy
Love
me
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6 years 12 days

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is how long we've been married.
Starting year number 7, and I don't feel the least bit itchy

I think I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand (and one was just last week).
We make beautiful babies and we've been blessed with a boy and a girl, they're not really babies anymore.

Our sixth year has been special because
We worked together to get out of debt (the Dave Ramsey Way), and we're almost there
We've hit a flow in managing our house and I can't imagine how I'd keep up without you
You make us, all four of us, breakfast on Saturdays
You've helped me get back in shape


On our anniversary date
We laughed, a lot, like when we were dating

You still,
Open my car door, when our hands aren't full of kids
Are a mix-master, and keep my ears buzzing with the perfect arrangement of songs
Look at me in "that" way, and I know you think I'm beautiful, I feel loved
Are funny
Balance me

Nicknames that we frequently throw around include
Babe
Baby
Honey
Hon

I'm sure there are a great many other things I could put down,
But that's what the edit post function is for.
I love you Jacob!
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Dear Body

Friday, May 28, 2010

It's been 28 years, and we've been through a lot:

I have under-fed and over-exercised you
irrational teen-reflection is my plea
I have over-fed you and while we love dessert - it dosen't love us back
hanging my head in shame
I've skipped out on giving you the exercise you need
lazy
I frequently deprive you of sleep
sorry
You've stretched to nourish and craddle a growing baby
times 2
I'm working on finding balance for us
You're starting to look healthy again
you're welcome
Today you were "noticed" during our jog, while pushing the double stroller filled with 90 pounds of children -ages 4 and 3
And by "noticed" I mean thumbs up x3, goofy grins and cat-calls from convertible-driving-joy-riding teen boys
i laughed out loud
I'm blessed with a husband who loves you and tells me I'm beautiful no matter what shape you're in
he's the best
It's swimsuit season
so here's to salad, protein, low carbs, looking great (again), getting healthy and another 28 years plus
Love
me
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More than skin deep

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I received an invitation to join an invitation-only online community, because of my blog, specifically its "super impressive design" (laughable - it's a standard blog spot template) "and content"
I was skeptically, but a little intrigued
So I checked it out
It's a fashion site
And although I have become more of a girly-girl in recent years, and my DVR records What Not To Wear
Fashionista, I'm not...
I'm more of a low budget work-in-progress,
I need to make a shopping date with this girl, although she might deny it she is a fashion inspiration to me (and a few others I know).
Anyway
I decided I don't have the time nor do I want to make the time to have an opinion on random strangers outfits and color combinations.
I definitely do have opinions.
Besides, for me beauty is a lot more than the clothes and accessories you put on.
No matter how you embellish the outside, if the inside is or feels ugly - it's not going to matter
We need to have an attitude of beauty that radiates from the inside-out
You can't find it in a store,
it's not for sale - that's because it's free
but that also doesn't mean it's easy...

So here are "my" beauty tips:
clothed with Jesus Christ (Romans 13:14)
clothed modestly, and with good deeds (1Timothy 2:9-10)
clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25)
clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12b)
Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? (Matthew 6:25b)
Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7b)


If we're clothed in Jesus and daily applying the accessories of goodness to the inside,
The clothes we wear to cover our bodies the bling we add for fun - doesn't seem that important
So, lookville.com -- I'm not sure you want my opinion.

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Words, Honesty, Forgiveness, Scripture, Love -

Words
Good, bad, indifferent
All are open to interpretation
And may be internalized differently by each person that receives them
A word so easily forgotten by one, can cause reflection in another
That's why I wrote Remember - a misinterpretation of forgotten words
Some words are not meant to be interpreted.
Some words are empty and others have weight
Misinterpretation aside my plea was honest
But it may have been just as much for me as anyone
See, I'm great at remembering the crap I put myself through
Inside I know I'm forgiven,
I know I don't deserve to be,
I know how good God is,
I know He's erased it, and yet somehow in his awesomeness He's used it to shape me
So, sometimes I need to be reminded

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man...But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us -- Romans 5:6-8 --
Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus --Romans 8:1 --

I'm blessed in this life with relationships that are in Christ
With people who are honest
And forgiving
And
No matter how old a little girl gets,
She's never too old for affirmation from her daddy.
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Remember

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The curls that bounced atop my head
My smile
The kind heart that cared for my brothers
My love
The songs I sang
My voice
The attention I gave to details
My clean room
The nightmares that stole my sleep
My fears
The respect I gave you coach
My talent
The drive to please and impress you
My obedience

Please don't remember me only as the little girl who grew up to hurt and disobey you
I did, I know
But I was so much more
I am so much more
And I want you to remember
Please remember me
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Expectations

Monday, May 17, 2010

Our 6-year anniversary of marriage is quickly approaching
And last night we celebrated on Jacob's parents dime (thank-you in laws!)
Free babysitting and ca$h for dinner :)
We conversation-spied on the table of 60+ year-olds talking about Lady-Gaga and the top-40 music scene (and we laughed - because, well...seriously?)
We enjoyed tasty food from NORTH - modern Italian cuisine
We talked about the kids, and about the worry and stress that comes with parenthood
And breathed a sigh of relief together as it seems Ethan is returning to normal
The waitress couldn't keep our water glasses full enough
We ordered two desserts, and one-decaf coffee for me
And I posed the question "Are we where you thought we'd be six years ago?"
Jacob's simple reply was "no"
And when I asked for an explanation...
"I didn't have any expectations" was his reply
I love him for this!
And he loves me in spite of my expectations!
He's my comic relief, my dose of honesty and he's up for the challenges- whatever they may be.
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Sometimes feelings are best expressed in poem

I come to bed late, my head still awake
I sneak in quietly, and curl up on one side
My mouth full of words, that I'm too late to speak
Your sleepy ears don't hear, and I can't make you stir
In just a few hours the alarm will ring
You'll rush to work, while I struggle to wake
I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight
I noticed the washer quietly cycling, and the peace that follows bedtime
I hate the feeling that's nothing at all
I want to tell you what I need, but I don't know
I'm sorry my love, please forgive me--maybe tomorrow
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Spirit slapped...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So I just posted Cry
I talked to mom, I emailed a friend, I caught up on a few blog posts
Work is super-slow and I don't have an assignment tonight, so don't worry I'm not neglecting patients.
I inhaled the dry hospital air, and exhaled my worry in prayer
And my worry was replaced with the truth...God is trustworthy
Last night we (Ethan, Charlie and I) drove through a storm
The rain pounded our car, the sound resonated and made my head ache,
In patches the visibility was nil, and I was forced to pull over - much to Ethan's disatisfaction ("Mom" he said "dad will be so disappointed if we don't keep driving home")
When the storm was all we could hear, when the kids banter turned watchful and still
We prayed
And we praised the one true God who sends the rain and directs the path of the tornado
We trusted Him, the creator, to take care of us
Guess what -- He did
And He is also the great physician
He will take care of you.
I will trust Him
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Cry

It's important to me, because you're mine
I want you to be okay, I keep telling myself it's nothing
Pray
I watch you run, I watch you fall
You get up and try again, and I hurt for you
It doesn't hurt you say, and I hear you trying to reassure me
The frustration mounts, and tears well up beneath
I want to know why, I want a plan
Deep breath
Pray
Cry
Embrace a hug from a friend, compose myself
Hear your voice over the phone, laugh, smile, blow you kisses goodnight
Pray
I'll do my best not to worry, for it accomplishes nothing
Sleep tight my son
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Sunday, May 9, 2010

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Mom

Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Our sermon today was about the 7-qualities of a woman that make her a "ruby"
Without my mom - who is a ruby (NO doubt), her example, her love, her prayers, her forgiveness, her mediation (you know)
I would not be the woman I am today.
To be completely honest I've always been a little intimidated by Proverbs 31. It's a lot to live up to, but when I heard these 7-qualities and realized I had a shining example of them in my life, somehow it seemed a little more attainable.
I've always wanted to be like you mom...
1. Hard Worker -- I don't remember a day when you weren't up before me or in bed after me, and it was because you were being a servant to our family.
2. Godly Priorities -- The image is etched into my memory, clutter kitchen table and you with your coffee and the Word opened up journaling. It was how you started your day (it's how I try to end mine)
3. True Beauty -- Absolutely beautiful, from the inside-out. Enough said!
4. Moral Virtue -- I grew up watching you and dad; hug, kiss, laugh, love and sacrifice for each other and even more for us.
5. Spirit of Hospitality -- It may have been a rat race to get the house cleaned up, or maybe it didn't matter if it was a mess...honestly I can't remember. But what I do remember is our house was always open, it was a place filled with friends, and a place that all were welcome.
6. A servant's heart -- While we straightened hymnals you were busy scrubbing toilets and vacuuming floors, while we played games you played the piano, while we sat and listened you taught. Thank you
7. Spiritual Maturity -- You seek His word, you pray, you have a quiet and gentle spirit. And while the fruit of the spirit's not a coconut, it is you!
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.

I can't take back the years I try so hard to forget.
The years I hurt you.
But I can thank you for believing in me, for trusting God and for the countless hours you spent in prayer over me.
I never really understood until I held Ethan, the words you spoke with such conviction "you'll understand when you have kids"
And I do understand, I do.
Thank you for being a Ruby mom, and for helping me strive to be one too.
I love you!

Proverbs 31:31 Bring her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Mom, you deserve to be praised and I am so very thankful God gave me to you. I hope your work in me brings you praise.
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Favorite Reflections