This is a face forever altered in wrinkles and worry lines 

These eyes have been bled dry of tears and yet they still cry

This smile is genuine

But these lips have mouthed prayers of confusion and desperation while simultaneously cursing the battle of mental health and eating disorders

*

Before this began

I thought I was a good mom…

*

Before this began

I thought God was good…

*

Mental health battles tear you up from the inside out - they’re gut wrenching, guilt producing, and make you question everything

*

Here’s what I know

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder

I didn’t give it to you either

Somehow we’re both stuck with it

*

And GOD

“He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE.  Because of the Lord’s great LOVE we are not consumed for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, GREAT is Your Faithfulness oh God.”

Lamentations 3 (selections)

*

God I’m not patient, nor am I used to this dependent waiting

I am learning to trust You with my every moment

That it’s okay to live in the moments

And that to be confused and angry with You is okay too

You can handle my emotion

You don't change, You are not dependent on my feelings 

You are trustworthy

You are faithful

You are good, even when my life is not

*

I am a good mom 

I have a great kid

And God - HE is good

A Mom's Promises on Mother's Day

Today a mamma woke up without her baby girl

She was wearing smiley face socks and driving too fast

Now she’s gone

The world doesn’t make sense a lot of the time

My darling children, I would make sense of it all for you if I could

If only I could

This year we’ve lived together, at times, hasn’t made much sense

Here’s what I know

I love being you mom

Good times, Hard times, Sad times, and Everything in-between times

Growth happens when we push through hard times

Growing doesn’t always feel good

God is good even when life isn’t

Problems don’t get better when ignored

Facing problems requires humility

Humble people make the best humans

Secrets are dangerous

Unless the secret is a present, presents are the opposite of dangerous

However if the present is a crocodile that IS dangerous, don’t give a crocodile as a gift

Give thoughtful presents over costly ones - always

Words, Time, Presence

The ability to love isn’t based on the actions of another, but on your willingness to give and forgive even when love isn’t deserved

That’s how God loves us

With a bigger love than we deserve even when we don’t love Him back

I hope you always choose to love Him

Seatbelts save lives,

Wear your seat belt, Wear socks that make you happy (even if they don’t match)

Follow the speed limit signs

Sometimes we get lost

We get lost inside ourselves, lost in circumstance, lost in lies

Let truth guide you and pull you out of yourself, your circumstance and confusion

Being lost will give way to being found

Worry is normal

You may worry about grades, about what to wear, about what others think, about tomorrow, about a great many things that are out of your control

Don’t let worry drive you

God’s knows and He’s got it all under control

Find perspective, pray, be thankful and choose peace

A kind word and a smile goes a long way

Smile often, make eye contact, be honest and speak kindly

Listen more than you speak

Doubt happens

We doubt ourselves, and our God

Don’t let your doubt determine who you are or who you believe God to be

Ask questions but don’t wallow in the place of questioning, God never changes

Different is God’s design for the world

You are the only you, created with talents, and skills unlike any other

These are for you to use, not to squander in selfishness or bury in fear

Use them for the glory of the One who made you, for the relief and refreshment of a world in need, and for the betterment of others

Be the different you were created to be

Life happens in seasons

Seasons of doubt, of joy, of heartache, of trial, of loss, of security, of ease, of regret, of forgiveness and of renewal

Embrace them all, for they will all shape you into you

You are stronger than you think

Be resilient, be affected but don’t allow the weight of trial to break you

And when you’re not strong enough let God be your strength

He will

So on this mother’s day

I promise to never stop growing

And to trust God’s goodness when life isn’t good.

I promise to name and face problems

And grow in humility.

I promise to give you words, time, and presence

But, never a crocodile.

I promise to love you no matter what

And to love God too.

I promise to buy you whatever socks make you happy, always wear my seatbelt,

And to drive the speed limit.

I promise to look for you, to love you (lost or found)

And to always tell you the truth.

I promise to worry as little as humanly possible about you

And to trust that God is in control.

I promise to smile, to look into your eyes, to speak words of kindness

And to listen more than I lecture.

I promise to share my doubt

But not let it determine who I know God to be.

I promise to embrace my different for God’s glory

And to encourage you to do the same.

I promise to hold every season with a sense of awe

And to let you grow into who you’re meant to be.

I promise to be strong: strong for you, for me, for the unknown

And rely on God’s strength.

So, though I can not change the world to make it make sense for you

May I always point you to the One who will get you through.

You are amazing, you are strong, you are beautiful and I am so grateful to get to be your Mom.

Keep Calm and MOM ON

To all the Mom's 

Sacrifice comes easy at first, it starts with your body and then it's your sleep - until you realize it's all of you - they get.  

Good days and bad, they get you.  

They get your tired, Your enduring 

Your patience, and lack of it

They get your selfish, Your loving

Your dreams, and your learning 

Because we are continually learning; with them, about them, and how to be for us and for them.

They get your reprimands - because they need them, No they deserve them. 

Your messy hair, and your habits

They get to watch you love their daddy, witness your mess-ups, your giving, and forgiving. 

They get your apologies too because mommies aren't perfect

Love wells up from some unknown, God preserved place and prayers encompass all the deficit 

And you get to play pretend again 

So play and imagine with them what they'll be when they grow up

Read to them, inspire them, encourage them, challenge them

But most of all love them, and cherish every second that you get to call them yours

Because someday this job of being their mom as we know it right now will be done 

Being a Mom is a world changing calling

Little people grown into big ones 

No matter the age we're raising, we are raising adults

The world will be changed because of us, the questions that remains now is how?
So love to all the Mom's changing diapers, attitudes and the world.
You are amazing.

And a special shout out and thanks to mine, for being exactly the one I needed, and need still.

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

Eternal friendship - Temporary bodies

There's orange shag carpet covering the floor
Cards slide across the wooden table as kids make sound effects from behind the couch
They laugh and sing and stuff marshmallows to overflowing
On Sunday they teach, pray, serve and sing
Showing us how to live for THE greater thing

There's a new couch, a new house and the carpet is blue
Card games get exchanged for cheers and proud faces as kids make touch downs, goals, and run races
Together they sit in black and in gold
On Sunday they serve, pray teach and sing
Showing us still, no matter the state, there is ONE who is greater and worth our everything

We tested and tried  them, we grew older as did they
On Sunday they still teach, sing, serve and pray
Until one day we've all grown and gone away
This world tests and it tries and bodies fall prey, but we trust the ONE who is greater, and with us in our everyday

I don't know what tomorrow holds
But I know we get today
So today
Take on the mountains, and pass on traditions
Raise hands in worship and keep taking care of stray kittens

Kiss on the lips in that holy Sims kinda' way
Cheer for the Jackets in your gold and your black
Feel to the depths of all feeling
And make memories that last

Fight cancer with all the might that you have
Go to Silver Dollar City on a weekday with friends
Laugh that great laugh sharing it with your grandkids

Pray silent prayers for healing and for His grace
Shine on in your words and keep quoting King James

Show us what it's like to do this temporary time
Show us how to go into eternity secure, 
Trusting in Him we are more than just fine

Keep singing, and teaching and praying and serving
Until you get to the ONE who you've taught us to trust 
We trust Him with you as you've trusted Him with us

So today
I pray for your strength
And I pray for your rest
I pray for peace that surpasses any hurt, doubt, question or distress
I pray that we all realize that God's calling us back
Calling us to healing, to more, to deeper and away from regret
I pray for memories kept and words that we won't forget
I pray through tears of love and hope and sadness and pain
Knowing there's joy to be had in this everyday



To my second family.  Thank you.  Thank you for being there, every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, at every game, concert, and Wednesday night too.  Thanks for putting up with our piano playing and song writing and Tetris attempts.  Thanks for the spaghetti hot dish, and laugher, volleyball games, roast beef and love.  Thank you for your prayers, and your forgiveness too.  Thank you for the weenie roasts, basketball games and marshmallows for toasting golden brown through and through.  Thank you for friendship and for loving our family the way that Christ calls us to.

When I grow up I'm going to...

I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

The nightmare

The darkness gripped me and silence held me hostage, so under my covers I would hide.  Eyes shut tight, awaiting rest to overtake the silence.  But even there, behind my eyes it was dark, and though I ran, fear followed.  I watched helplessly as all I knew to be love and home was stripped away until there was nothing - only me.  Alone, and afraid in the darkness, that's how the nightmares always ended.

But for some it's not a nightmare

Life is a walking dream that doesn't end when eyes open 

Parents loose babies and Daughters lose their Mommas

Cancer steals away time and Time is always fleeting

Husbands cheat, Wives cry and Families get by 

We're all dying

...he [Jesus] became flesh and blood... for only as a human being could he die and in dying break the power of the devil who had the power of death. Only in that way could he deliver those who through fear of death have been living all their lives as slaves to constant dread. 

-- Hebrews 10:14-15

In my nightmares I never died

I was more afraid of living without, of loosing, of watching those I love break than of death itself

But not anymore

Because I know I am never alone, and the One who goes with me is trustworthy

So when the unthinkable happens

When lives break and nightmares become reality

We can choose to be afraid, to run, to freeze, or we can choose to be at peace in His brokenness

Break out of the normal, and the accepted - Walk into that which is beyond your reason

Choose to put your full weight in something that's bigger than yourself, 

Trust

Forgive, be forgiven

Feel

Love and be loved

Rest

Be broken, but don't let the world break you

Because death has no power - and fear is no longer worthy of being called your master

Linking up with Kate Motaung and the 

FMF writers, todays word - Break

Over HERE

I'm not okay - and you don't have to be either...

I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting

Where You are Like Me

Why are we divided?  Why do we say "them" and "us" with exclusion?
Why do we see difference and let it divide?
Why do we draw lines between race, age, gender, socio-economics and cultures?

He played banged on the air drums while she rocked the air guitar sang back-up and I took lead vocals (at their request of course)
And these words blasted from our speakers
Oh, we all want the same thing.
Oh, we all run for something.
Run for God, for fate,
For love, for hate,
For gold, for rust,
For diamonds, for dust
 - One Republic, Love Runs Out

In the middle of air band, with my two rocking kids in our Subaru wagon
From a band that describes it's music style as "a sum of a bunch of parts"
It clicked for me
We see in color
Hear in harmony
And we're different
But
Different is not good nor is different bad
It's not meant to be criticized, categorized or compared
It just is
And in the middle of our difference is the truth that you are just like me
We all hurt, dream, love, and hope
We're all searching, trying, running, living, breathing
And as our lives are tested
Laid bare, broken and bleeding
We all bleed the same color

All of us
Red - Yellow - Black - White
Wealthy - Middle Class - Poor
Female - Male
Old - Young
You are like Me
Not only in our hurts, our dreams our running our breathing
But in the way we are made

Made in the image of God
Designed to be like Him
And He is too complex, too beautiful, too full and too great to be understood in one race, once age, one gender, one socio-economic status
We see in color
Hear in harmony
Dream - Pray - Run - Hurt - Seek - Breath - Bleed
Because there is a God who is our color, speaks in harmony, knows our hearts, feels our pain, heals our brokenness, fulfills our need, shows us love, and gives us breath

When we get stuck in comparison we miss the beauty
When we draw lines and use our diversity as a means of division
We tear down the value of a soul
We discount the greatness and diversity of a God who is beyond our full comprehension
And we break the world into pieces

I know a God who is creative and diverse
I know a God who came to earth
I know a God who wants His people to live as one
I know a God who bled
And when we bleed...
We all bleed the same color

I may be a small-town white girl, but in my design I'm just like you
And in your design you are just like me
Because we all reflect the image of God

I wonder what the world would look like we we started to see the way were all the same instead of the way we're different?

Happily linking up with

Meredith Bernard #woman2woman

And Holley Gerth @Coffee for your Heart

Mean Girls and the Business of Mankind

Girls are mean

I can say that because I am one

And because it's true

"You'll never know"

That's what she said to my girl, when C asked - "what's your name?"

I could tell you how genuine and kind and sympathetic and big-hearted my girl is...I know I'm biased

But she is all those things

I listened quietly as she processed from the back seat,

"At first I thought she was kidding Mom, but she never did tell me her name...and I think she was serious"

Then she cried 

And I did too

Because she's mine and 

Girls. Are.  Mean.

What if when I woke up today, and tomorrow and every day I had only one objective

One thing to cross of my to-do list

One thing to get right

Love

Love my neighbor as myself

And what if even that snotty, little, "you'll never know" girl is considered my neighbor

Love her like I love my own little girl?  Like I love myself?

Could I check it off?

Could the business of mankind be my every day?

And...

What if one thing

Could be THE thing?

What if we cared about each other the same amount as we care about ourselves?

The man pushing his cart walking up the block, the cashier at the grocery store, 

The barista, the bank teller, the co-worker, the friend, 

The Mom, the sister, the Father, the brother, the husband, the wife, the child, 

The next door neighbor, the student, the teacher, the coach, the player,  

The father-less, the home-less, the well-to-do, 

The hard to get along with, the undeserving, the one who doesn't treat you like you deserve?

The every man, woman and child of mankind 

"Business! cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again.  "Mankind was my business.  The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business.  The dealings of my trade but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"..."Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down..." -- "A Christmas Carol," Charles Dickens

So I wonder
I wonder if I'm being the neighbor I need to be?
I wonder what my everyday would look like if I made it about this one thing?
And, I wonder what the world would look like?
If my eyes didn't look down?
If they met yours, and saw the need, the hurt, the fun, the happiness, the humanity
And what if I teach her to do the same?
What if we made mankind the business of our everyday?
What if everyone was a neighbor - A neighbor who loved?

...serve one another in love.  The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself" 

- Galatians 5:13b-14