Being a nurse was always where my heart was set
So all the Sunday dinners I missed I can not regret
Because caring for others' hurts, ills and pain made me ready to care for you
So on this sad Tuesday-day I was equipped to help you pass through

Memories of monster and being too afraid to run through the dark
Safety beside Mawna as Josh in your loving arms was caught
Diving in grain trucks, horse tanks, beans and tall rows of corn
Watching cows come to the sound of your old truck horn

I can not imagine subtracting you one from the other
Your lives were more because of each other
Marriage truly made you two into one
Sacrificial love, respect, honor, submission and God granted love

Pieces of you in the way Ethan plays
The smile on the face of our Charlie-girl, your namesake
Your life is woven undeniably into mine
I find you in rhyming words, in stories and truth telling lines

I don't remember you ever taking yourself too seriously
Yet, I can still hear your prayers over a table prepared
And I know your life was no game or joke
Rather lived with purpose because of and for the One who gives us eternal hope

So in this hope I rest
That you're at peace and wearing a crown
That as a saint you marched in
And in your death it's new life that you found

This doesn't mean our hearts aren't hurting or that we won't miss you a ton
But that your life was lived in the power of the Son
And though you're gone,
Our God, our faith, out family, laughter, love and playful smiles
You gave them to us
God never failed you and I know He will continue to show up for us

Love you grandpa

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

Eternal friendship - Temporary bodies

There's orange shag carpet covering the floor
Cards slide across the wooden table as kids make sound effects from behind the couch
They laugh and sing and stuff marshmallows to overflowing
On Sunday they teach, pray, serve and sing
Showing us how to live for THE greater thing

There's a new couch, a new house and the carpet is blue
Card games get exchanged for cheers and proud faces as kids make touch downs, goals, and run races
Together they sit in black and in gold
On Sunday they serve, pray teach and sing
Showing us still, no matter the state, there is ONE who is greater and worth our everything

We tested and tried  them, we grew older as did they
On Sunday they still teach, sing, serve and pray
Until one day we've all grown and gone away
This world tests and it tries and bodies fall prey, but we trust the ONE who is greater, and with us in our everyday

I don't know what tomorrow holds
But I know we get today
So today
Take on the mountains, and pass on traditions
Raise hands in worship and keep taking care of stray kittens

Kiss on the lips in that holy Sims kinda' way
Cheer for the Jackets in your gold and your black
Feel to the depths of all feeling
And make memories that last

Fight cancer with all the might that you have
Go to Silver Dollar City on a weekday with friends
Laugh that great laugh sharing it with your grandkids

Pray silent prayers for healing and for His grace
Shine on in your words and keep quoting King James

Show us what it's like to do this temporary time
Show us how to go into eternity secure, 
Trusting in Him we are more than just fine

Keep singing, and teaching and praying and serving
Until you get to the ONE who you've taught us to trust 
We trust Him with you as you've trusted Him with us

So today
I pray for your strength
And I pray for your rest
I pray for peace that surpasses any hurt, doubt, question or distress
I pray that we all realize that God's calling us back
Calling us to healing, to more, to deeper and away from regret
I pray for memories kept and words that we won't forget
I pray through tears of love and hope and sadness and pain
Knowing there's joy to be had in this everyday



To my second family.  Thank you.  Thank you for being there, every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, at every game, concert, and Wednesday night too.  Thanks for putting up with our piano playing and song writing and Tetris attempts.  Thanks for the spaghetti hot dish, and laugher, volleyball games, roast beef and love.  Thank you for your prayers, and your forgiveness too.  Thank you for the weenie roasts, basketball games and marshmallows for toasting golden brown through and through.  Thank you for friendship and for loving our family the way that Christ calls us to.

What is The Bible?

It's revelation through story, poetry, prophecy and fulfillment
Filled with stories of war, glory, love, sorrow, faith and God
The summation of lives that
Followed Him and Hurt Him
Doubted Him, Experienced His presence
Trusted Him
Betrayed and Disobeyed
Ran away from Him and Hid from Him
Stories of Obedience and Honor
Felt His disappointment and judgment

When I read a book, I find myself there

But this book is not always an easy place to be
It's a mirror
Showing a reflection of the heart
My heart bleeds brokenness and need
But this book
Is also a window into the heart of its author
A heart that is unlike mine, in that it is perfect
And He pens His heart as a letter of love
From a Father to His child

A poem of transparency on humanity and the human condition
And it's here I find myself,
A human, struggling with the human condition
Learning how to love, listen to, and be lead by God
Looking into the mirror, looking into the eyes of God
Plainly seeing all that I am and all that I am not
Not fully understanding what He sees in me, but knowing He sees me
Assured in His knowing, because this book He's given me tells me He's good
He's patient with me
Leading me when I try to walk the other way
Teaching me to trust Him, putting my broken pieces together from the inside out
Reminding me of His words
Of The Word
Who came to be life and light and change my reflection from brokenness and need to one of beauty and redemption

And so I find myself here
A child
Redeemed
Reading His words
Not fully grasping all that He is
But In love with Him just the same

Who I am anyway?

The world says we are the roles we play

An athlete

Type A or type B

A husband

A wife

A musician

A dancer

A mom

A dad

A job title

Busy

And so this role we choose to play, the world tells us, is our identity.  

But what happens to the injured athlete unable to perform

The type A who can't sustain order or the type B who needs to have it all together

The marriage that falls apart

The musician who goes unrecognized

The dancer who doesn't get the part

The mom or dad who looses a child

The faithful employee who looses her job

The busy bee who is overwhelmed

So, the world tells us, we are the sum of what we lack. 

And, we get a new identity, failure, disappointment, and not good enough

Our culture says 

We are what we look like, dress like, and who we hang out with 

So we compare ourselves to others and become wholly discontent

Culture says we're the names people call us, 

So we let those words infiltrate our being and choose to stay in the box that others created for us

The world says you are how you feel

You feel sad, find a way to release it, you don’t want to live anymore then don’t

Your gender is relative, You feel like a boy, be one, You feel like a girl, okay - good for you

You feel angry, confused, insecure, hopeless, unloved - Act out and on your feelings

The world says your feelings are truth

THE WORLD IS FULL OF LIES

And, when we choose to let the world determine our identity

We become enslaved to a set of expectations God never intended for us

And we are hostages to the lies

Identity is defined as who someone is; the qualities, beliefs, etc. that make a person different from others.

It's our creator who makes us different

You are His unique creation,

He calls you a masterpiece, beautiful, worthy

You are His son, His daughter

He calls you His own, His heir, His warrior, His child, His love

His truth never changes?

Because He never changes

And so 

We are not the roles we play

We are not the sum of our insufficiencies

We are not our clothes, our friends or the names people call us

Our identity is not our gender, relationship status or how we feel

Our identity is found in the ONE who called us out of the mess, out of the lies, and to Himself

John 15:19 “you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of it.”

Do you know who you are because of who He is?

Because God is forgiving - I am forgiven

Because God is loving - I am loved

Because God is always present - I am never alone

Because God is all powerful - I have power

Because God is creator - I am created, beautiful, on purpose, the only me  

Because God is Father - I belong, I have a family

Because God is all knowing - I am known

Because God is king - I am a warrior

Because God is purposeful - I have purpose

Because God is available - I am heard

Because God is merciful - I have hope

Because God is unchanging- I am content

It's not always easy to be myself.  

Living as your created self on purpose takes courage

But we don't have to do it alone

HE is the chain breaker.  

He is the savior the redeemer.  

He is the hope maker and the freedom giver.

So we can be different.  

Just as HE created us.  

And yet, ALL can find their true identity in HIM.

Thank you for this day

It's a mindless phrase I pray
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day
But today
A wife woke up to an empty place in her bed
A daughter woke up without her daddy
And two sons without their dad

Today life doesn't make sense
So, I praised a God who works outside of my understanding
And, I swam in the HOPE of eternity that flows in spite of tears and pain

This life
Even when we try to do what's right
It hurts
Even when we know the truth
It doesn't always make sense

Death rips apart body and soul
And leaves those in it's wake
Wounded
And, missing a piece that made sense,
A piece that made the everyday, not perfect, but more bearable, fun, do-able, and better

Our body, our relationships - they are temporary
But our impact and soul - eternal
This life
Means something,
No matter how long, no matter how short
His impact lives on
In the heart of his wife, in the mind of his little girl, and in the time he's given to his sons
He trusted them all to the care of his Savior while he was here
And he's left them in His most capable care still
His body may be gone, but his soul goes on living

So today,
Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day
Even though it hurts
Even though I don't understand
Because we're not meant to live here forever
But while we're here,
May we be thankful, loving, giving
And leave an impact that gives you all the glory.
Doug did.

When I grow up I'm going to...

I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

Your "okay" life...

It starts with believing that HE is real

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls

And in the beginning

He took pieces of himself and wove them into me, as He did with she

It was real in the garden

Unrelenting, naked relationship

Walking in honesty and sharing life

No hiding, no disguising 

And it was good.

But when Words got twisted and hearts became intrigued then deceived
She sought answers outside of her God-relationship, and pulled her man down with her

They decided that knowing God wasn't enough, being made in His image lacking
And it was not good

But, knowledge made them feel ashamed, instead of godly
This idea of being god made them afraid of God
Covering-up, they pointed fingers, placed blame and deceived even themselves

And the relationship was ruined

And so we live in the harsh in-between
Thorns, Rocks, Pain, Tears
Taking the roads well traveled
Separated from God
Being the god of our own life
And sometimes it's okay
But it's not good.

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls didn't want "okay" for your life
He didn't want you to be separate, hiding, or wandering wide roads
He wanted it to be good [again]

So He became a man; to understand us, live like us [except better] and save us
Jesus
Son of God
The Savior of our souls
Joy giver
Restorer of relationship
Peace maker
Sacrifice for our sins
Truth speaker
The only man to raise himself from the dead
Word writer
Death conqueror
Good - when I'm not good enough
Mediator and High Priest
Life giver

He laid it ALL down for us so we could lay down the burden of trying to be god
And asks us - do you want more than just okay?
Do you want relationship, peace, forgiveness, life, good?
I wanted less burden more life
So I made Him the King, declared He was my God
Laid down my all
And it is good.

We still have to live in this harsh in-between
It still hurts, it's still hard, I'm still not perfect
But the expanse is removed, the relationship is restored
And we can quit trying to be god and just know Him
He's good
We can stop hiding and blaming and disguising
And be who He made us to be
He called us very good
So we can take the road less traveled
And walk it with God
It's not easy - But it's good 

In the beginning God created, He made man in His own image, from the dust of the ground He formed him, and breathed the breath of life into his nostrils.  Male and female he created them. God saw all that He had made and it was very good.

- Genesis 1 & 2

Linking up today with Holley Gerth

@ Coffee for Your Heart

Meredith Bernard  and 

Kristin Hill Taylor @ Three Word Wednesday

I'm quitting the routine of Church

My Sunday looks a lot like yours.
The outfit is never quite right then I get toothpaste on my shirt (just me?)
The kids are arguing about cereal or legos or the pretend game they've just changed the rules to
No one can find the match to the missing shoe
We should have left five minutes ago but he doesn't have a coat and she can't find her Bible
Rushed and tired, a balance of coffee and Jesus keep me going
But Sunday is not restful and this busy often steals the holy from the Sabbath He intended for me

"Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on this day His creation was complete and He rested.  So remember the Sabbath day by setting it apart and keeping it holy."
--Genesis 2:3 & Exodus 20:8--

God didn't need to rest
But He knew I would
So He took a day and made it different than the rest
Holy
Set apart
Different
Revered
A time for me, for us
Not to be selfish, but to slow down
To worship, to Relish and to Relinquish

A time for being known
Because no one want to be anonymous [all the time]
Called by name, Comforted and Challenged

It's a time to know
Know the God of the universe,
His creativity, His heart, His peculiar, and His love

A time to be overwhelmed by the love of a Savior
Because we are the debtor, the lost, the guilty, the captive
And He came anyway
To pay the debt, save the lost, erase guilt, and rescue

A time for family
Because that's what we become at the foot of the cross
Brothers and Sisters in baptism through the blood of Jesus
Devoted to, Accepting, and Accountable

It's a time for fellowship
Relationship that breaks the boundaries of okay
Food that feeds the heart and the soul

A time to commune,
Surrounded by the presence of God
Because He is even when He is beyond our understanding
Together, Trusting, and  Hoping

A time to serve
Because here your gifts are an expression of His heart and His Spirit
Your time, your talent, offer it worship
It's right to give here, Welcomed, and Needed

It's a time to see and be seen
As we are
Broken, falling short, trying hard, but never good enough
Covered in love and poured out grace
Human
Holy set apart for a purpose

Church shouldn't be a part of our regular routine
It should be that which shakes our norms and rips apart the ordinary
It's the day we wake up early for
The time we anticipate
The service we savor
The fellowship we linger in
And the love we take with us

So I'm quitting my routine of church
And trading it for what He intended - a day that's more than coffee and Jesus, a day that's wholly different from the rest, and truly holy.

For the love of relinquishing, resting and looking forward to Sunday,

Linking up with

Holley Gerth -Coffee for your  Heart

and Meredith Bernard

I'm not okay - and you don't have to be either...

I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting

Where You are Like Me

Why are we divided?  Why do we say "them" and "us" with exclusion?
Why do we see difference and let it divide?
Why do we draw lines between race, age, gender, socio-economics and cultures?

He played banged on the air drums while she rocked the air guitar sang back-up and I took lead vocals (at their request of course)
And these words blasted from our speakers
Oh, we all want the same thing.
Oh, we all run for something.
Run for God, for fate,
For love, for hate,
For gold, for rust,
For diamonds, for dust
 - One Republic, Love Runs Out

In the middle of air band, with my two rocking kids in our Subaru wagon
From a band that describes it's music style as "a sum of a bunch of parts"
It clicked for me
We see in color
Hear in harmony
And we're different
But
Different is not good nor is different bad
It's not meant to be criticized, categorized or compared
It just is
And in the middle of our difference is the truth that you are just like me
We all hurt, dream, love, and hope
We're all searching, trying, running, living, breathing
And as our lives are tested
Laid bare, broken and bleeding
We all bleed the same color

All of us
Red - Yellow - Black - White
Wealthy - Middle Class - Poor
Female - Male
Old - Young
You are like Me
Not only in our hurts, our dreams our running our breathing
But in the way we are made

Made in the image of God
Designed to be like Him
And He is too complex, too beautiful, too full and too great to be understood in one race, once age, one gender, one socio-economic status
We see in color
Hear in harmony
Dream - Pray - Run - Hurt - Seek - Breath - Bleed
Because there is a God who is our color, speaks in harmony, knows our hearts, feels our pain, heals our brokenness, fulfills our need, shows us love, and gives us breath

When we get stuck in comparison we miss the beauty
When we draw lines and use our diversity as a means of division
We tear down the value of a soul
We discount the greatness and diversity of a God who is beyond our full comprehension
And we break the world into pieces

I know a God who is creative and diverse
I know a God who came to earth
I know a God who wants His people to live as one
I know a God who bled
And when we bleed...
We all bleed the same color

I may be a small-town white girl, but in my design I'm just like you
And in your design you are just like me
Because we all reflect the image of God

I wonder what the world would look like we we started to see the way were all the same instead of the way we're different?

Happily linking up with

Meredith Bernard #woman2woman

And Holley Gerth @Coffee for your Heart

The 7 Things I hate [most] about my neighbors

Mr Rogers was the BEST!
Snappy cardigans, slippers, puppets, imagination and manners
Who wouldn't love to be his neighbor?

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
But when we stepped into our little house with the red door no one asked us if we would be theirs
Our only welcome, the incessant barking of our next door neighbors pet
Who ten years later still barks at us

I hadn't given any thought to what kind of neighbor I wanted, or to what kind I would be
But the longer I'm here, the more I realize
Being a neighbor is hard
And I'm not sure how good of one I am

Here's what I hate most about my neighbors...

1. I hate that her husband left

2. I hate that his leaving left her empty and angry

3. I hate that I can hear her cry and yell

4. I hate that her son is growing up without a dad and stuck with a Mom who's emotionally overdrawn and running on empty

5. I hate that it's easier to take over baked goods and dinner than to sit and talk

6. I hate that I can't fix her broken life

7. I hate that I have baked more than I've listened


If baking was a love language everyone understood - I speak it
Someone dies, and my first thought is I think I'll make cookies
Some one's sick, remedy = cookies
People are coming over - I can make chocolate chippers in 16 min
My neighbor is sad and angry and empty and I don't know what to do...cookies
But cookies don't fix divorce or anger or empty
Thing is I know who does
But I'm realizing while a life lived consistently within grace beside someone may show them you've found something different to build your life on, without words it doesn't offer them anything more than empty calories
Jesus repaired my broken relationship
He has given me peace, and the opportunity to be content
He listens to me, intercedes for me, holds me up and fills me up

So the next time I bake her cookies - I'll be praying over the flour, and for the opportunity to listen and speak about who my life is built on because cookies without Jesus don't fix broken
But I think cookies with Jesus might turn me into the kind of neighbor I want to be
The kind of neighbor He wants me to be

Last Words

When skin and bones conceal a heart that refuses to beat, and you lay me in a box
I pray you'll still feel my love, see my smile, hear my voice and remember the pouring out of my soul
But if my voice could resonate just once more, sound penetrating heart
I would say...

You are beautiful,
You are smart,
And so deeply loved
There is a purpose for your life
And even this pain
It's okay to not understand
Ask, Question
Just don't let the not knowing paralyze you
Seek - because God is real and He wants you to know Him
He chooses you, He is pursuing you
Questions and all
Be sad, but don't let sad steal your hope
Let hope hug away the hurt and love lead you
I may feel gone, but really I'm just waiting
And where I am - I want you to be there too
There is life after death
But don't wait to live
And don't confuse living with looking like everyone else or fitting in
Full life now
Is not trying harder, working more, or acquiring stuff
It's surrender
Allowing Jesus to be all that He his, and give you all He has to give - not someday but right now
Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Identity, Connection, Purpose, Assurance, Knowledge, Healing, Hope, Strength
We all have faith in something
The face we see in the mirror, Wealth, Power, Government, Others
We all become slaves to something
Emotion, Expectation, Money, Pride, Entertainment, Self, Comfort
God - He is a good master, faithful and unchanging
And He offers freedom
There is an unimaginable, amazing plan for your life
Don't waste your life planning
Instead live
Follow
Give
And be intentional
All your choices matter, even the little ones
Choose wisely
But don't be afraid
Because GRACE is bigger than any misstep
Every misstep
And God doesn't want your good
He wants your all

We all have a expiration date, we're all dying
But until then - we get to live for what matters
Moments that add up to eternity
So
When your life is reduced to the shell of humanity
And they put you inside a box
What do you want the living to know - what would you say?

Name Calling - Sticks and Stones

Sticks break, stones crumble, bones heal
But words
When carelessly flung into the space we live in quickly become a weapon of self-destruction
We calculate their meaning, intention, truth
They linger in thought
They hurt
The wounds of words tear at the inside where no one can see
And where healing is hidden
Words leave calloused scars
Callouses that harden hearts, build up walls against relationship and deconstruct self-worth
Words spoken
Words perceived
And words whispered in thought
Words hurt, and destroy
But they don't have to...

No word carelessly spoken has the power to shape us
Unless we let it
But scars are
And thoughts need capturing to undo the power of weapon words

There is a Word that's meant to shape
A Word to replace all the captured thoughts
A Word meant to bind up hurting heart and heal scars

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning.  Through Him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."  - John 1:1-5

Words can destroy
But this Word
Is life
Healing
Relationship
Light
Truth
And a new name
Child of God - the only name meant to define us

"To all who received him, to those who believe in his name, he gave the right to be called children of God" -- John 1:12

Sometimes I am my own biggest bully
But not today, today I will call myself the name I was given
Child
And I will speak with intention - to share truth, build up, and encourage

What name have you allowed to define you?

What word do you need to hear and believe today?

A Different God

God
I've believed in Him
Loved Him
Served Him
Misunderstood Him
Ignored Him
Ran from Him
Hid from Him
And found that through it all

He is a different God

I tried life without Him
Living by my own heart
Fitting in with the world (or desperately trying)
Trying on shades of life like a new hair color (and I colored my hair A LOT)
Filling my head with stories of stars - neglecting the Word and the One who breathed us into existence
My heart was not a good god
It changes and lies and hurts and bleeds
It wearies
My heart is fickle
But God
He is not like my heart
Or the world
He doesn't change
How boring to always be the same
Predictable
Just
Fair
Right
Or How unlike everything else?
And how deserving
Deserving of respect and honor and Lordship

God
I've called Him many names
Good, Father, Awesome, Healer, Holy, Creator, Jesus, Redeemer, Truth, Life, Fair, Loving
And I believe them all
But calling Him Lord was, and is too often, lip service
Because, though I am made like Him
I am NOT Him
And He is unlike me in His abiding static
Yet He moves
He moved into the world
Through the guidance and deliverance of an imperfect but faithful people
He moved through judges who lead His people and prophets who spoke His truth
And then He moved in a way no other god has or can
He moved through Jesus
Jesus
God's Son, wrapped in human skin
Jesus who felt, and lived and yearned and ached and cried and bled
Jesus who moved with God
And completed the plan to heal and forgive
Jesus, who took my consequence and shattered the fear of death
Breaking the grip of death's hold on the eternal soul
Freeing all who believe, all who call, all who trust, all who love, all who allow themselves to be moved
Moved closer to a God that desires even though He doesn't need

God
Who cared that my sin drove me away from Him
God
Who doesn't hate, except for His hatred of sin, the one thing that separates me from from Him
God
Who loved me enough to remedy my separation
God
Who doesn't command and control
But instead loves and patiently waits for me to love Him too

He moved
But He's not done moving
He moves now
In us and through us
When we give Him the throne of our hearts
He gives us His Spirit
His power, His guidance, His grace, His static
Reigning, amidst my volatility

And so I call Him Lord
And mean it
Understanding who He is and what I'm not
That He is greater
And different
And there's a peace in the awareness that I won't ever quite "get" Him
And a passion that ignites trusting His different is what I need

God
In my running He pursued me
In my misunderstanding He waited and whispered His truth
In my ignorance He gave me grace and guidance
In my hiding He stood constant
So, everyday I believe
I imperfectly love
And I serve Him, inadequately, but with all of me that I can give 

Because He is a Different God

You're Entitled to Your Own Opinion (Or are you?)

You know what everyone has that's different?
An Opinon
Filtered through our own experiences, emotions, belief system, and understanding
Regardless of skin color, gender, religion
Everyone has an opinion
Politics - Separation of Church and State - Abortion - Marriage - Health Care - Sports - Parenting - Coaches - Minimum Wage - College - Homeschool - GOD - Religion - Vaccinations - Chicken - Organic Foods - Drinking - Video Games - Electronics - GMO's - Marijuana - Fast Food - Outfits - Speech - Occupations - Pumpkin Spice Anything - Coffee - Worship
The list could go on and on...

But after a conversation with a very wise friend
I've been convicted
Because this thing I have felt all my life entitled to have
I realize is not a right
And maybe it's not right at all?

Because we're created uniquely
Gifted purposefully
For the building up of each other and for unity
But opinions divide

ONE
If I've choose this One Lord to be over all, through all, in all
Alive in me
Then I choose His truth
And that's all

HE is a God of Unity and Truth
In Him there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female - we are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28)
And we don't get our own opinion
We get HIS
HIS Spirit
And His grace
Empowering us
Guiding us
Helping us to understand

We're not entitled to an opinion
But we have a choice

"If serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve..." Joshua 24:15

And I choose HIM
My opinion's really not that great anyway

Following a Servant

For three years they walked and listened
On dusty streets, crowded hills and over stormy seas they followed
Followed a servant
A servant who was not selective in those he served
A prostitute
A Government official
A thief
A mother
A betrayer
A leper
A doubter
A paralytic
A bunch of fishermen

And he showed them how to live, how to love, how to serve
He showed them God's heart
Then they wrote it all down
And started living it too

JESUS

Innocence for the Guilty

Forgiveness for the Condemned

Second chance for the Liars, stealers, haters, and the good but not good enough

Justice for the Undeserving

Peace for the Aching and the Worried

Promise for the Doubting

Love for the Unloveable

Healing for the Hurting

Ransom for the Prisoner

Knowledge for the Seeking

Hope for the Wandering

LIFE for the Dying

Everyday is a second chance
Because I'll never be good enough
And I need this servant
The world needs Him
Because we're all dying
So I'll love Him because He loved me first, and follow Him with all that I have
Because it's not just eternity you get when you follow
It's Him in the middle of right now too

Truth and Humility in the Trader Joe's Coffee Isle

Today was a normal day

I was imperfect

My kids were imperfect

I walked around Target and Trader Joe's with a sucker stick stuck to my behind

Because it was in the seat of my car

Because the kids put it there 

On purpose

To be funny

Thank you kind, discrete perfect stranger in the TJ's coffee isle 

Thank you for letting me know I had something that looked like a tiny tail glued to the back of my maxi skirt

Thank you for smiling shyly

Thank you for withholding judgment as I peeled the orange stickiness off my backside and placed the stick-remains into my purse

It's okay for you to laugh 

It took me sometime to get to the point of laughter 

But I'm there...

Laughing 

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm fooling the world with my tamed curls, in my skirt that makes me appear put together but feels like sweat pants

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm winning mom of the day awards in the minds of complete strangers as I gracefully reign in the spirits of my two kids 

Laughing at myself

Because I am fooling no one but myself.

Truth is, my "I've got this"attitude needed a little humbling

Because

I don't have it all together

I am just a regular mom, with regular kids

Who needs an extraordinary God 

Because "I don't got this"

Moment by moment, 

I am reminded how much I need something, someone, who is so much MORE than me

And moment by moment

This extraordinary God, who doesn't need me, but desperately loves me

Gives me more grace, and displays His power perfectly in my weakness

In. My. Weakness.

Today I set out to mask my weakness

I set out to win the approval of strangers

I walked into the store brave faced, committed to the got-it-together good-girl show 

And He used a sticky, orange, spit out, used up lollipop handle

To remind me 

I'm weak

And it's okay

Because we all are

We are, but He's not

He used that embarrassing moment 

To remind me

It's not the approval of strangers I'm living for

I don't need to look like a good mom

I just need to give my best at being their mom

I don't need to appear put together

I simply need to allow Him to hold me together

I don't need to justify home schooling, or how I socialize my kids, or why we're at TJ's at 2pm

I only need to be faithful to the calling to do it

I don't need to be good

I need to rest in His goodness

I don't need to mask the real me

I unreservedly need to TELL myself the truth

And every once and a while - you just need a really good laugh!

 

Linking up tonight with Katie Motaung and the Five Minute Friday ladies 

On Twitter at the #fmfparty group

Tonight's prompt TELL

A Not So Good Friday

Today friends failed 

Today the government collapsed under pressure

Today a mother watched her son suffer

Today a student betrayed his teacher

Today a best friend lied

Today God's people denied the Messiah

Today a friend, a son, a teacher, a healer, a man named Jesus died

And we call it Good Friday

There is a hopelessness and void that comes with death

He was man, 

But He was not only man 

He was perfect

He was Savior

And His death was Satisfying

It was Good

Because He chose to endue it

He chose to give 

He chose to save

And He spoke a promise

...I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:22 

Today a payment was made fulfilling the penalty for sin

All sin

Today we remember how His good satisfies our deficiency

Today we claim a joy that can not be taken away

Today a thief was saved

Today a friend was forgiven

Today a Savior died

Because we needed saving

Today friends still fail

The government remains impaired

Mothers still watch their sons suffer

Students disregard instruction

Best friends hurt each other

And God's people are imperfect

But

Today we have hope 

Amidst our failures, 

Today we have redemption

In our pain and circumstances, 

Today we have truth

When encompassed by emotions,

And we have joy

Because He is our Savior

And that is good

Linking up with the friends at
Kate Motaung's place - Five Minute Friday
"Good"