I homeschool
And I have the same amount of patience as you (not enough)
I balance life as a working Mom
And I struggle to cook dinner, do laundry, and love at the same time
I am a wife
But submission and being what he needs...I'm learning
I am a mom
And sometimes I ignore when I should choose make-believe or I yell when I need to be quiet
I am a woman
And my emotions get the better of me
I am tired
And I live a caffeinated life

I am ordinary
I wrestle with expectations, control, lists, schedules and self-inflicted laws
I fail and need forgiveness
I am learning transparency
And how living courageously as ordinary is better than a facade of extraordinary

Because when we choose to live courageously - knowing our ordinary is not enough
It gives the world a glimpse of how great Jesus is in spite of us

When we choose time with Him

Our ordinary fades into His extraordinary  

And He is astonishing

You're Entitled to Your Own Opinion (Or are you?)

You know what everyone has that's different?
An Opinon
Filtered through our own experiences, emotions, belief system, and understanding
Regardless of skin color, gender, religion
Everyone has an opinion
Politics - Separation of Church and State - Abortion - Marriage - Health Care - Sports - Parenting - Coaches - Minimum Wage - College - Homeschool - GOD - Religion - Vaccinations - Chicken - Organic Foods - Drinking - Video Games - Electronics - GMO's - Marijuana - Fast Food - Outfits - Speech - Occupations - Pumpkin Spice Anything - Coffee - Worship
The list could go on and on...

But after a conversation with a very wise friend
I've been convicted
Because this thing I have felt all my life entitled to have
I realize is not a right
And maybe it's not right at all?

Because we're created uniquely
Gifted purposefully
For the building up of each other and for unity
But opinions divide

ONE
If I've choose this One Lord to be over all, through all, in all
Alive in me
Then I choose His truth
And that's all

HE is a God of Unity and Truth
In Him there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female - we are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28)
And we don't get our own opinion
We get HIS
HIS Spirit
And His grace
Empowering us
Guiding us
Helping us to understand

We're not entitled to an opinion
But we have a choice

"If serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve..." Joshua 24:15

And I choose HIM
My opinion's really not that great anyway

Saying No To Good Things

I've started this post about 39 times since April
And I get about this far every time
Because I have a problem (well honestly I have multiple problems, but we'll just focus on this one)
Saying No To Good Things

I'm a yes girl
You're go-to when in a pinch
Just think about asking me and I've probably already volunteered
I've got this over-active servant heart
And my brain hasn't figured out how to regulate the "yes-es" that come out of my mouth
It really needs to
Because when all those yes-es go forth it's my brain and body and soul and husband and kids that suffer

You can only run for so long
Until your body tires, wears, and just can't go anymore
(for me, that's about 3 miles)

But how do you learn how to stop running when all your life your legs have been moving, your hands pumping, and your lips yes-ing
What if the only way to stop is by starting
Starting to say "No"
Even when that No comes as a response to and at the expense of a good thing

Because there are a lot of good things we can throw yes at
But not all good things are right things
There are a lot of ways we can serve
But not all service is becoming

So I asked God what I should do
Because He says He'll answer if we ask
And He did
But I didn't like His answer
So I kept running, yes-ing, wearying, serving out of my own strength

Until...

Like Goliath, struck by a little stone
My life was rocked by the force of a child thrown pebble
And I was forced to stop running
As concussion consumed even the routine of life
Forced to be still,
To savor quiet
Forced to need,
To let go and let in
Forced to ask, receive
And question
Question what deserved a yes, and what was right - not just good

You know what I always wanted to be when I grew up?
A Mom
And now I get to be
But something about being a Mom didn't seem like enough
There's so much good out there to be done
So much hurt and need and empty
And I let just being a Mom feel inadequate

Feelings are terrible dictators
And there is no such thing as just being a Mom

In her voice I hear my purpose
And in his question, affirmation of the answer He gave me months ago
Raise them
Be rested for them
Teach them
Be fully present
Give them your time
Have fun with them
Encourage them
LIVE life with them

So everyday, I awake to their faces, and we don't rush anywhere
I plan our homeschool schedule, and teach them how to live like people who are all on the same team
I teach them about history - so we avoid repeating it
We drink tea, play games, take walks, imagine stories and paint
I teach them about God and other religions
We go grocery shopping, clean toilets, dust counter tops and bake cookies
I teach them the three R's
Because the right thing I need to do right now is to raise them

In their faces there is confirmation
Letting go of good things, that aren't right things - is good
And sometimes, saying no is right

What good thing is it time to let go of?
What's your right thing right now?

How to be changed for the better -

I've been pondering this word
CHANGE
And how time does
It changes me
Or is it I change with the passing
Each moment
Full or empty
Intentional or lacking in the routine and self-absorption
We do
In time - Change

And I think of how when faced with a need to change -to not send our kids back to their public school
How choices change
Choices made, or avoided
They alter
And how this choice made in faith
Trusting
Not ready
Unknowing how much homeschool would teach me
Mold me
And reform me
Help me to see how thin I was living my life
How busy, busy with good things, but wrong things
And
How detached I was from the two I had been given
Because that was normal
And I didn't know what I was missing
This is NOT to say everyone should homeschool - it is to say that God needed me to
And when I was faithful to choose change
He changed me
His best, though stretching and above my sight of understand, was realized
In the courage to change

How is time and choice changing you?

For the love of hard change, and the courage to make it so,
Me

Find more inspiration to be hidden and changed in the place

you are now here at sarahmae.com

Linking up today with my friends and sisters at Five Minute Friday 

Truth and Humility in the Trader Joe's Coffee Isle

Today was a normal day

I was imperfect

My kids were imperfect

I walked around Target and Trader Joe's with a sucker stick stuck to my behind

Because it was in the seat of my car

Because the kids put it there 

On purpose

To be funny

Thank you kind, discrete perfect stranger in the TJ's coffee isle 

Thank you for letting me know I had something that looked like a tiny tail glued to the back of my maxi skirt

Thank you for smiling shyly

Thank you for withholding judgment as I peeled the orange stickiness off my backside and placed the stick-remains into my purse

It's okay for you to laugh 

It took me sometime to get to the point of laughter 

But I'm there...

Laughing 

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm fooling the world with my tamed curls, in my skirt that makes me appear put together but feels like sweat pants

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm winning mom of the day awards in the minds of complete strangers as I gracefully reign in the spirits of my two kids 

Laughing at myself

Because I am fooling no one but myself.

Truth is, my "I've got this"attitude needed a little humbling

Because

I don't have it all together

I am just a regular mom, with regular kids

Who needs an extraordinary God 

Because "I don't got this"

Moment by moment, 

I am reminded how much I need something, someone, who is so much MORE than me

And moment by moment

This extraordinary God, who doesn't need me, but desperately loves me

Gives me more grace, and displays His power perfectly in my weakness

In. My. Weakness.

Today I set out to mask my weakness

I set out to win the approval of strangers

I walked into the store brave faced, committed to the got-it-together good-girl show 

And He used a sticky, orange, spit out, used up lollipop handle

To remind me 

I'm weak

And it's okay

Because we all are

We are, but He's not

He used that embarrassing moment 

To remind me

It's not the approval of strangers I'm living for

I don't need to look like a good mom

I just need to give my best at being their mom

I don't need to appear put together

I simply need to allow Him to hold me together

I don't need to justify home schooling, or how I socialize my kids, or why we're at TJ's at 2pm

I only need to be faithful to the calling to do it

I don't need to be good

I need to rest in His goodness

I don't need to mask the real me

I unreservedly need to TELL myself the truth

And every once and a while - you just need a really good laugh!

 

Linking up tonight with Katie Motaung and the Five Minute Friday ladies 

On Twitter at the #fmfparty group

Tonight's prompt TELL

Rocky Mountain High

Trees push up through dirt

And yellow faces of flowers turn to the sun

From bounty to barren the mountain side morphs

Until rock is all that remains

We climb

Climb to the place where wind dances unrestrained and clouds kiss peaks of earth

Until there is no more up

There's only feeling
Success and satisfaction wrapped in rays of sunlight

But here, on top of the mountain, nothing grows

Nothing

And we can't stay

Because feeling doesn't sustain
Feeling
Doesn't
Sustain

Life fully lived is sometimes in the absence of feeling, or in the middle of feeling tired
Life fully lived is sometimes an elated high, or the insecurity of the unknown,
Life fully lived is sometimes in the challenge, other times it's in the stretching of success

Where trees and yellow faces of flowers push up through dirt
We climb
We grow
We live

Live in the climb; in the pushing through, the falling down and the getting back up

Live in the pain, and the mis-steps, through mental insecurities,
Live in the wisdom of guidance and solid encouragement,

Live in the descent; in the steps of unsure, with fingers gripping tight
Live in the letting go, the following through,
Live in the dark of faith - unable to see but still believing,
Live in the next step taken with hope
Live in dependence on someone greater than self
Trusting
He is

Swallowing pride and questions
Covering this climb, this growth, with dependence, prayer
And
Exhaling thanks
Thanksgiving for questions, for trust, for youth group trips, for yellow faces of flowers, and little faces that look like mine
Thanksgiving for dirty dishes, for clean laundry piled in baskets, for serving in the ever day, and for fingers that intertwine.
Thanksgiving for rocks, for family and friendships, for homeschool books, for time alone, and second chances that never wear out.
Thanksgiving for the climb, this climb of dependence, full life lived in reliance
And the chance to keep climbing

These are the [homeschool] lessons I didn't plan

Time
The kind you can't measure with hands on a clock
This time is measured in heart beats and moments
Building an impromptu scale-model of Noah's ark
Laughing together, and at ourselves
Drinking hot tea in the afternoon
Sharing tears and a long hug after eight minutes spent in the corner
Watching him grow to care about her
Watching them become friends
Playing in the rain
Sitting with the sun on our faces doing math or art or just sitting
Realizing I need to be still, and present, and here
Here
For the question I would have missed - but didn't

Arithmetic
The kind you can't make perfect sense of or memorize
This addition is life - relationships, joy and trust
This subtraction is self and all the good things that weren't right things
Because this year was going to be about ME - rest, writing, going to the gym, serving
And then it wasn't
It wasn't about me at all, but about the subtraction of me
Stripping away my ideas, and my plans - replacing them with right ones
Being faithful
Capturing joy
Learning to ask for help
Finding community and being intentional
Trusting
Living authentically - Sharing the best in each other, forgiving the worst
Being faithful with His plan
His timing
His kids

I am certain this is His plan, and what He wants of me, of us
The echos of my pleas resounds in my memory
My defiance, bargaining and uncertainty
Contrasted by His answer, His patience, His faithfulness and His goodness

All these lessons I didn't plan
He planned for me
I am learning
How to be faithful, and joyful, and need Him
How to cherish them
How to embrace the ways they are like me and the ways they are distinct
His quiet determination and concrete deep thinking
Her bold self-confidence and imagination
Learning that's it's okay they see me tired, and messy and real
And
It's okay I need their forgiveness
It's okay for me to need
And to learn
Because
Time, doesn't pause
Second by second, day ticks away into night
And every night into a new day
Until the days blur together and the time is gone
A temporary now
Yet, the more I subtract myself the more I find myself in Him
Real, Renewed, Needing Him
But unexplainably fulfilled
Joy in faithfulness and shepherding and unplanned homeschooling
Hopeful for an eternal someday
Where I won't be a mess,
But where we will still be together
Just better
Understanding each other's hearts
And sharing His

And for now...I get to teach them

"You Can't Wear Me Down"

It was just one of those days
Marked by excessive sighing, silent prayers and standing in the corner
To clarify I was not the one in the corner
Homeschool has been this incredible blessing and challenge, all at the same time
Wrapped neatly with a bow, tons of questions and doubts then gifted to me at a surprise party I never saw coming

There are these moments
Moments when I just want to teach math
Double-digit subtraction minus the character lesson

We all have instinctive actions, reactions, and characteristics
Most of them are neither beneficial or becoming
Today it was pride and stubbornness
Tomorrow...who knows?!

And most days I'm not sure if I'm getting it right
I can do double-digit subtraction - easy, it's everything else
Am I building them up enough
Being the example they need
Loving them in a language they understand
Molding them to see God's heart and His desire for them

All I know for sure is that my character still needs refining

And there in the middle of my need, my stubbornness, my pride

He is enough

His grace covers all that I am not

And His Spirit washes over my rough edges, and innate reactions

And so in the middle of math we dive into a lesson of self-subtraction
Choosing perseverance when giving up would be natural
Listening without plotting a rebuttal
Allowing yourself the opportunity to be wrong, and be okay with it
Because in failure, when things are hard, when we persevere, when we listen -
We learn, we grow, and we become more by loosing those pieces of our self

And so I reassure him, and me, with these words

"You can't wear me down" 

I will never be perfect or enough

I will make mistakes

But I will love you the best way I know how

And "I will never quit on you"

And from my own lips the Spirit echoed Gods heart for me...

"You can't wear Me down"
Not with your stubbornness, your pride, or your ignorant self-reliance
"I am here, I am patient, My love is perfect, My grace is enough and I will never quit on you"
Mercy for all that you lack, Grace for every mistake, Love for you - just as you are
"Persevere - Listen - Accept - Subtract"

Home-School Hesitation

I am never going to home-school
It's just not for me
I'm not patient enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not balanced enough

I love my kids
But
All-them, All-day, All-the-time?
I hear ya 

And then there's the other thing we all think and just don't say out loud
Weird - defined as odd, uncanny, bizarre
Being "that family" 
With "those kids" 

But here I am Reviewing my 28 week lesson plan
And planning out week 29, 30, 31 and into the summer
Not as organized or balanced as I hope to be
Different, even a bit weird
But
Changed
And Growing

I've discovered more guilt and overwhelming grace than I ever imagine possible in this place
I have a love of History that never before existed
And I'm re-learning so many things
I'm still a terrible speller and get to work through that inherited trait with my seven year old
We have space issues and noise issues to work through
But we get to do it together

I still have questions

If you're thinking about home school here's where I started:
Prayer
- "God if you want me to homeschool please make it overtly clear, close all other doors and show me what you want from me"
Truth - it was not my plan to ever homeschool.
But He did what I asked, locked tight all doors, except for the one labeled homeschool, and spoke into me what He wanted.

Friends
- Find someone you trust, and talk it through
- Surround yourselves with other mom's, ones that have made it work, or are working on it, and glean from them

The World Wide Web
- Home School Legal Defense Association
- Midwest Parent Educators

Blogs
- A Holy Experience
- Confessions of a Homeschooler
-Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers
*I could go on and on...see this article listing the top 25 homeschooling blogs

Homeschool Conferences
- Coming This April to the Kansas City Area

And then take a walk through your local Christian Book Store or a virtual one through the isles of Amazon.com and make some curriculum decisions.

I never imagined being in this place
But I am thankful
This is the place I am

A Day In The LIFE...

A Rehashing of life in 2013

1.  God is good, ALL the time.
In the middle of my mess and human insufficiency He is always enough and 100% available.

2. There is a little more grey streaking through my hair, just a little-on the right side, but my bangs provide a strategic cover for now

3.  HOMESCHOOL
I quit on day 9,
But 20 weeks later -- refer to number 1
We get funny looks when shopping at Trader Joes during "normal school hours"
There are probing questions about socialization and my children's social welfare
Then there's this undeserved praise I didn't expect - let me be honest, it's nice for people to think I'm a saint and have overwhelming patience etc.
The reality is ----- drum roll ----- I'm still me.  And I'll refer you here again to number 1!
We have our days, as with life.
There are days of great triumphs when learning is fun,
And days that 4 hours of instruction feels like 40 and we have to call the principal (I'm SO ridiculously in love with him!).
But we're in it together
I am a front row observer to their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, unfolding in the middle of math or handwriting.
I get to learn World History with them and geek out over how they can diagram a sentence
I'm silly excited about the virtual energy plant tour we're taking this week
And overall, I just can't tell you how this "thing I would never do" is changing our life
Being faithful isn't easy, but it's good

4. I've learned to ask for help.
God has been so amazing at strategically placing relationships in my life to help me with this homeschool journey, my faith, my kids, my sleep.  Again see number 1.

5. I am learning I have to say no, even to good things, so there is room for RIGHT things.  This topic deserves it's own blog post -coming soon.  If you have 7 minutes to spare watch this inspiration

6. Our life remains simple.

7.  We are blessed to have the same jobs that provide both income and balance for our family life. Me  x 11 years in June, and Jacob x 9 years.

8.  The kiddos keep growing.
E is our reader, outdoorsman, soft spoken, sometimes silly sometimes shy guitar playing man who dislikes jeans and loves athletic wear.  Legos, k-nex, and bey-blades are his toys of choice.
C is our joyful, passionate (take that how you will!), funny, always herself unashamedly all the time, pianist who still prefers dresses, and any thing fancy.  Barbie and the 50 stuffed animals that sleep in her bed fit as perfect accessory toys to her imagination.
They challenge us, encourage us, listen to us - sometimes or most of the time, they have their own opinions and we are blessed to be their parents for as long as we have them to call ours!

9. The lake remains our favorite home away from home, and we sneak away when we can from our city life and schedules to relax there.  With extended family, hide-n-seek, tag, and Monopoly is our favorite.

10. Our church family continues to be an irreplaceable part of our life.  There is no other way we would rather spend two nights a week than surrounded by those we love and share life with while hosting life group and being youth group small group leaders.

Life is sweet, though it has it's trials - God remains faithful, we have hope for a perfect eternal someday and for now we have each other.
I pray we would have a blessed New Year, that Gods faithfulness and goodness would be evident in our life, that we would have real community surrounding us, that this year we can be more honest, transparent, real and that what really matters will be what matters everyday.

In 2014 my One Word is Deep or Deeper - what's yours?

Windows and Walls

We build up walls

A layered facade we thicken to hide insecurity

A hardened mask of independence

A shield to lock in feelings 

A resolve to avoid hurting or being hurt again
A layering of something that appears more perfect than the raw emotion, and realness of ourselves that lay messy and vulnerable underneath.

We insert windows

Small openings of light that allowing others to see in 

But we control the opening, dressing it up and tinting the view

Another cloak covering the mess and reality of our life

Half-truths

What if I took down my walls - what if the window into my life showed you my real life?
It might look like a morning where my coffee is warmed 12 times before it touches my lips
Too distracted to drink my coffee
Because I'm rushing about from room to room accomplishing half of tasks, while checking email and scrolling through Facebook
Requesting (there's my first mistake) rooms be cleaned 6 times before I come in with the broom and threaten to dispose of any lingering toys littering the floor
And the homeschool class bell doesn't ring to start until 10:42 (that might have been today)
It might look like a morning where I sit quietly over my Bible
And after soul filling prayer, journaling and peace
Loose my patience as bickering and unkindness fill the rooms of our house and kids get sent to separate corners to stare at dust bunnies

What if you asked how I was doing - and I answered honestly?
What if we really wanted to know how each other was doing?
Do we?

Over oatmeal we (my six and eight year old) discussed; why we think it's okay to lie to each other?
Why, when something is wrong do we say "nothing"
If we're not telling the truth we are lying.
I've accidentally taught my children that putting up walls, and lying about how we truly feel is acceptable without even trying.
How did that happen?

It is easy for me to write about what's real
I stare at the blinking cursor and the realness of me, the imperfection that makes us all equal drips from my fingers
Anyone else tired of trying to appear perfect, like we've got it all together?

What would happen if we lived
Honestly lived?
If we quit trying to be something more than broken people living in a broken world that need someone perfect to love us?
What if we quit working on ourselves and let ourselves be worked on?
What if we allowed the ONE who knows us, who created us to break down our walls?
What if we lived in the power that we can't change ourselves, or anyone else?
But relish in and share the love and knowledge of the ONE who can?

"...but what I have I give you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk" - Acts 3:6

For the Love of being worked on in all my imperfection, giving what I have, and living honestly,
ME

I resign

Tuesday was day 9 of our home-school experience
Frustration piled on top of impatience, and bad attitudes
And in a wave of emotion

I resigned from my role as home-school teacher
[via text message]

I explained to the G-academy principal
I would continue in my role as 

Janitor

Laundry lady

Cook

Mother
And 

Wife

But could no longer accept the position of teacher
(You'd think sleeping with the principal would help me get my way)
However

Our principal, a patient man, who remains unshaken by the waves of my emotions
Refused to accept my resignation.
And so,
I resigned, to take 5 (which was more like 35)
Free read and quite time is a beautiful thing
I heated up my coffee for the 46th time
Rifled through a pile of papers to find Jacob's love note from the other day
Soaked in his words, a personalized rewrite of Proverbs 3:10-15
Most days, I do not feel like the woman he sees...
He loves me more than I deserve, 
I took a deep breath and allowed the truth he sees to saturate me
After straightening the couch cushions, and fluffing the pillows
I plopped my weary self down for a talk with my Heavenly Father
"I can't do it"
"Did I mis-hear you -This IS what I'm supposed to be doing, right?"
"This isn't easy, and I'm tired"
"Are you sure this was the plan?"
"I'm not good enough or patient enough"
"I need your help..."
And I left it there at His feet....
I resigned.
Resigned, That I could not
But through Him
I could
And He said - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
"You can do all things through Christ, because He will give you strength - rely in My strength"
"Be strong and courageous and do the work...do not be discouraged, for I am with you and will not fail you."

For the Love of, Encouraging husbands, and Resigning to rely on HIM, everyday,
ME

2 Corinthians 12:19, Philippians 4:13, 1 Chronicles 28:20