An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

Katy Perry

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Last night I cried for her
Beautiful, Talented, Influential

They say she "sold her soul to the devil"
She said she was going to "cast a spell"

And I cried
Because he is real
And he can offer the world
All of the world is his to give
And when he is done with her
When she no longer benefits him
He doesn't care about her

He doesn't care

And so I cried.
I cried because she is filled with fleeting, empty things
I cried because he is using her
I cried for the world that she influences
For the girls who will entertain the idea that devil worship is just another step toward cultural popularity
Like coloring your hair blue, "finding yourself", or being hipster
I cried for the world that will only continue to get worse
And for choosing to bring children into it

I didn't cry out of fear
I am not afraid of the devil
Because he's already beaten
And all he can offer is the world

This world is temporary

We are not

So the question is - what are you living for?

Or maybe there's a better question to be asked - who are you living for?

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Judgmental Christian

Monday, January 27, 2014

I sat on top of a mountain
The majesty of creation stretched before me
Pairs of eyes gazed into mine
With quivering knees
A vulnerable heart
And a deep breath
I spoke
I spoke of my selfishness, my pride, my hypocrisy, my failures
Sex, Lies, Separation, Pain, Thoughts of suicide
Beside me A guy lost in porn who almost wasted everything for it
Another whose skepticism lead him into a life of alcohol, drugs and alienation
Beside them
A girl who couldn't accept her body, abused it, and denied real love
Another who masqueraded different version of self to be anyone, anywhere, fake and fractured

 All of us common
 Sharing in our selfishness
Our need for more
Lost in the lifestyles we'd fashioned
Tired And Overcome
We were lost
And in need
Ready to be found
Courageously laying ourselves down
We found freedom in surrender
And Life

Those eyes that looked into our souls
Those ears that heard our stories
All attached to Christian

Do you know what their response was?
Open arms,
Welcoming us
As sisters and brothers
People with faults
But faults that don't define us
Or dictate our decisions any longer

And my response
Everyday I wake up next to that guy who struggled with porn and we live life together
Unencumbered by our past mistakes,
Not perfect but forgiven
And surrendered to a plan and choices that are greater than we could have imagined
The skeptic we welcome in our home every week
With perspective and patience he is a role model for our son, and teaches him guitar too
The girl who abused her body I call my mentor, and prayer warrior
The fake is my friend, She's whole and 100% herself unwavering

There is no judgement
Only the realization that our choices define us
And when you choose Christ
His love and forgiveness redeem all that you once were
And He is our definition
The ultimate filter for all choices

Who did Jesus love?
What did Jesus say?
How did Jesus live?

Jesus did not leave us a relative or changing truth
He left us a definitive truth
A rock we can build our lives on
And sometimes that means standing up for the things Jesus said
Living differently because that's how Jesus lived
Loving the unloveable because that's who Jesus loved
Being faithful and honest when politically correct would be easier and more accepted

So when you get to the end of yourself and you realize it's empty
When you're tired.
When you're ready
Ready to feel,
Ready to be heard,
Ready to belong,
Ready to be welcomed,
Ready to have peace
Ready to build your life on an immovable foundation

He is waiting
And I'll welcome you
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When Your 7 Year Old Drops The F*Bomb

Monday, January 20, 2014

The word rolled off her tongue and I was frozen
I couldn't have just heard what my brain is telling me I heard
Not from her,
Beautiful, funny, imaginative, barely-seven year old her
Off guard, unprepared, I couldn't process
It's just NOT something I say 
I'm conscious to watch my words, my reactions and expressions
Of course there's the occasional whispering, a taunting within
But it's always contained in my head.

The F-word I am referring to here has only three letters, not four
It was the phrase
"I look fat"

It's not like kids to keep contained the thoughts in their heads
We develop filters as we grow older
There are negatives and positives to filtering our thoughts and words
But that's another topic

Jailed inside my thought life, the jeering word lies in wait
The mirror, the scale, that certain pair of pants, hormones
It's not something I look into the mirror and walk away thinking everyday
But there are days
More days than I care to admit to that the F-word plagues my thoughts
*Who doesn't have the occasional fat-day?
But that word doesn't, ever, escape through my lips

What does escape?
Has she seen discontent in my eyes?
Has she heard my subconscious?

I know what she's not heard...
My verbal acknowledgement that I am beautiful.
An appreciation for my unique design
That bodies are different and I am glad to have mine.

Have I battled my weight?
Have I longed to change the pattern of my body?
Have I found peace and acceptance, even joy, with the creation that is me?

I yearn for her to avoid the lies
That there is a [singular-one] perfect mold
That feeling fat or being called fat means you actually are
That your weight, or size matter just as much as who you are inside
They are lies

Yet, at seven she looked at herself and "felt fat."
And my heart sinks, with the thought -
I failed her.
Failed to protect her
Failed to speak enough truth into her
Failed by rejecting compliments
Failed in my example of loving myself

When staring in the face of failure, I see two choices
Accept it and wallow
Or tackle it and triumph

I choose triumph
I am a failure
But that is not what defines me.
Just as my definition is not found on the scale or in my size.
I choose truth
"I am wonderfully made"
"How beautiful you are my darling"
"The King is enthralled by your beauty"
I accept it
And I pray that it will take root deep inside her, inside of me, inside of you, inside of every girl, woman and man that looks at their reflection and sees anything other than wonderful.
And I pray we will not only accept it but live in it.

I am beautiful.
You are beautiful.

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A Rehashing of life in 2013

Monday, January 6, 2014

1.  God is good, ALL the time.
In the middle of my mess and human insufficiency He is always enough and 100% available.

2. There is a little more grey streaking through my hair, just a little-on the right side, but my bangs provide a strategic cover for now

I quit on day 9,
But 20 weeks later -- refer to number 1
We get funny looks when shopping at Trader Joes during "normal school hours"
There are probing questions about socialization and my children's social welfare
Then there's this undeserved praise I didn't expect - let me be honest, it's nice for people to think I'm a saint and have overwhelming patience etc.
The reality is ----- drum roll ----- I'm still me.  And I'll refer you here again to number 1!
We have our days, as with life.
There are days of great triumphs when learning is fun,
And days that 4 hours of instruction feels like 40 and we have to call the principal (I'm SO ridiculously in love with him!).
But we're in it together
I am a front row observer to their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, unfolding in the middle of math or handwriting.
I get to learn World History with them and geek out over how they can diagram a sentence
I'm silly excited about the virtual energy plant tour we're taking this week
And overall, I just can't tell you how this "thing I would never do" is changing our life
Being faithful isn't easy, but it's good

4. I've learned to ask for help.
God has been so amazing at strategically placing relationships in my life to help me with this homeschool journey, my faith, my kids, my sleep.  Again see number 1.

5. I am learning I have to say no, even to good things, so there is room for RIGHT things.  This topic deserves it's own blog post -coming soon.  If you have 7 minutes to spare watch this inspiration

6. Our life remains simple.

7.  We are blessed to have the same jobs that provide both income and balance for our family life. Me  x 11 years in June, and Jacob x 9 years.

8.  The kiddos keep growing.
E is our reader, outdoorsman, soft spoken, sometimes silly sometimes shy guitar playing man who dislikes jeans and loves athletic wear.  Legos, k-nex, and bey-blades are his toys of choice.
C is our joyful, passionate (take that how you will!), funny, always herself unashamedly all the time, pianist who still prefers dresses, and any thing fancy.  Barbie and the 50 stuffed animals that sleep in her bed fit as perfect accessory toys to her imagination.
They challenge us, encourage us, listen to us - sometimes or most of the time, they have their own opinions and we are blessed to be their parents for as long as we have them to call ours!

9. The lake remains our favorite home away from home, and we sneak away when we can from our city life and schedules to relax there.  With extended family, hide-n-seek, tag, and Monopoly is our favorite.

10. Our church family continues to be an irreplaceable part of our life.  There is no other way we would rather spend two nights a week than surrounded by those we love and share life with while hosting life group and being youth group small group leaders.

Life is sweet, though it has it's trials - God remains faithful, we have hope for a perfect eternal someday and for now we have each other.
I pray we would have a blessed New Year, that Gods faithfulness and goodness would be evident in our life, that we would have real community surrounding us, that this year we can be more honest, transparent, real and that what really matters will be what matters everyday.

In 2014 my One Word is Deep or Deeper - what's yours?

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