An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

Break the fast

Tuesday, August 31, 2010



Battle of the Breakfast Choice                     


340 calories VS. 280



Guess which one I choose!  The Colby-cheese egg whites on whole wheat 45 cal per slice toast with strawberries....eating right just gets easier and easier one choice at a time  :)

 For the love of egg whites - Happy Choosing
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The Word

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you (Isaiah 66:13)

Let no one deceive you with empty words. (Ephesians 5:6)

But look, your are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless. (Jeremiah 7:8)

Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

The Holy One is our Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth.  The Lord will call you back...and with deep compassion I will bring you back...I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:5b-8b)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

...Ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. (Jeremiah 6:16)

Obey Me and I will be your God and you will be my people.  Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. (Jeremiah 7:23)

The Mission of Our Healing Home:
The the girls who leave this place will -- 
Be able to discern what is best, and
be pure and blameless.
Going out in joy, led forth in peace 
as salt and light to the world.
(Isaiah 55:1a, Matthew 5:13-16 & Philippians 1:9-11)


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The Call

Monday, August 30, 2010

If you have been reading my blog recently - you've seen a little piece of what's on my heart
My "big heart" as mom put it.
God has been binding up pieces of my life experience (all 28 years!)
Lightening the burden my heart carries -because it's His too
And weaving a vision through scripture into my life
Matthew 9:36-38 : When he saw the crowds He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd.  Then He said to His disciples; The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.


I get so wrapped up in my day to day grind
I'm selfish
I was missing the helpless and harassed
That's why God strategical placed her, and him and her in my path
I refuse to be anymore
See, I've always been a little skeptical when
I've heard others talk about receiving "the call" or being "called"
I apologize
Maybe God doesn't have a specific call for each of us?
Maybe before I wasn't able or ready to listen?
But, now that I've heard there's nothing else I can do that will feel right until I am doing this work.
And so, I guess that's what it feels like to be called.
I am a doer, sometimes to my demise
But in doing something about this I will not fail, for He is with me
ACTIONS
Thursday I met with the director of House of Hope KC
I shared my heart, she shared her story.
And today I go for Big-Sister orientation
It's a start, a small step in the journey to;
Someday having our own non-for-profit organization and home for healing teen girls

God can use me 
I am confident in Him
Pray with me
And if you feel called join with me!



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Just another First

Tuesday, August 24, 2010



First Day of School 2010
I can't believe how fast you grow.  Or the difference in this first day vs. last years.                       
You carry your bag with such pride and your marvel comic folder has a holder.  You smile so I'm sure to capture the space between your bottom teeth!  I can't believe how tall you are but, we've got to work on your posture :)
Your eyes are closed, but your still absolutely beautiful.  
Your smile says it all!  You dance from side without a care, you love school.  
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Positive-Encouraging

Friday, August 20, 2010

I love Google
I don't Bing, I Google
And here was the google topic for the day
"Non-for-Profit organization, Emotionally-hurting teenage girls"
Then I turned on the radio, to the only radio station I turn on
97.3 K-LOVE
And they advertised needs for the House Of Hope
So I googled
= Home for "healing teens"
And I prayed
With an excited heart
Then I called :
And I have a meeting with the director on Wednesday
http://www.houseofhopekc.org/
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Like a ton o' bricks

My heart just kept aching
My head wheeling
My hands busy with daily tasks

Tuesday, rest time for the kids=devotion time for me
I'm still not sure where I started,
But it hit me
And verse after verse, they all seemed to mesh together,
Woven purposefully by someone greater, for something greater
3 pages of my MOPS personalized journal later,
(Although filled with just as many more questions than answers)
There was a clear vision for what these hurting girls needed - God; His Love and His Rest
A name for a House and a Mission statement for the needy souls God loves so deeply
Tears welt up in my eyes
I felt inadequate, and
Like the calling was too big, because it is (it's God-sized)
And a little afraid that Jacob would think I was crazy, he didn't
Instead he said "if anyone can do it you can...where do we start"
To which I started crying again
He took my vision, encouraged it, and made it his own!

And so here I sit; on the verge of something greater than myself
Filled with joy, a lot of questions, a little anxiety and  saturated with  hope- that God can use me to make a difference.

Please pray with me and for me as I start this journey.
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Shhhhhh

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sounds of bedtime are assumed to be the humm of a fan, the chirp of a cricket, the tumbling of the dryer, the solem creaks and groans of a home as it falls asleep
At my house it's the thump of a foot against the wall or the swosh of restless sleepers, the whispered words and giggles of a three and four year old, the scampering of little feet during a midnight run to the toilet, the "ahem" as the afore mentioned four year old crowds into bed.
Sweet, and anything but solem.
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Dear Charlie

Monday, August 16, 2010

You have the capacity within you to be amazingly strong
You are passionate and beautiful
Others are drawn to you and you lead unknowingly
I want to equip you to be strong in the things that matter
To believe in and hold firm to your convictions
I want you to have passion for the truth
And as you naturally lead, lead others down the road less traveled
I want you to feel beautiful
And understand that real beauty is rooted on the inside
Displayed on the outside in things much greater than clothes and hair styles
I want you to be you, even if your passion, and strength at 3 are a little hard for me to handle
Because all too soon, you won't be 3 anymore
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Love them

And I love how Jacob can make them smile

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Broken

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Over 8 years time I'm still unaccustomed to seeing some at their worst
15, and suicide attempt number 4
Is the world really so different since I was 15?
And then there's all the big questions of why, how, it's unfair etc.
In my heart I know the answer...
It is simply that we live in a sinful, broken world.
But it doesn't make me feel better
It doesnt' make her life any easier
So
I gaze into your sad eyes
Alone, lonely
Broken and with out hope
What has stolen your childhood
Is it really that the teenage pressures for you too great
I think it's something more
Something your cuts show, but that you can't say
You believe in God you say
You think you might deserve hell
Thing is, we all do
But instead I say
God loves you, He treasures you
And there is nothing you can do so terrible that he won't forgive you.
I questioned that once
He restored me.
And here I am
Sitting quietly listening to your despair
Praying silently over you in my heart
And hoping you will be able to hear the truth I speak through all your pain
I am broken for you
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Degrees of comfort

There are only so many layers you can discard, and still be considered dressed
I mean it's really not appropriate to run errands in your BVD's
--does that brand still exist?
The thermometer reads 102, the heat index is 107 (whatever that means)
I'm not supposed to fill up with gas until after the sun has set
Insert a visit to the local pool - ahhhhhh.
The car sitting in the sun reads 110
Ethan asked if 110 was as hot as fire
I told him I was pretty sure that fire was hotter than 110
And I could tell he was mulling something over in his mind
Charlie cried because her car seat was too hot
And muttered something about the air conditioner
Then Ethan interjected "so, hell is even hotter than 110,
That's really hot!"
And I grinned while making my own mental rationalization of his statement:
temperature of 110 = hot, fire = hotter, hell filled with fire, hell=really hot
He's been asking a lot of questions lately, a lot.
Then I scolded Charlie for complaining about the heat, and insisted that she "get control"
{Insert deep breath} control - check
And notified them both that a lot of people didn't have air conditioning
At which they both marveled
And it was quiet.
Then I wrote a blog complaining about the heat.
It's August, and I'm ready for December.
It's just so much easier to be dressed in December.
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J

Saturday, August 14, 2010

She's been dealt a tough-hand
Although, I'm not entirely sure a poker-metaphor accurately describes life
Hers has been hard.
She awakens everyday to the knowledge that today
Her heart beat is more dependant on the medication than the last
And she wrestles with the pain inflicted by that life-preserving medication
With life comes pain, but I never imagined it this way, her way
We muse over Twilight and Robert Pattinson  Edward, it's a good distraction
After all who doesn't want to be loved that way. 
What?- didn't you know it's really a love story, that just happens to feature vampires

Dear Robert --
It would be amazing for her to meet you
She sure could use a dream come true
At 18 the desires of your heart aren't always rational
but I still pray that she'll get them.

Yet, my hearts true prayer for her is that someday she gets to meet Jesus
And that I can be a channel through which she can see His love. 
Because that's a real love story, written for us at the expense of His blood, His tears, His life.
And no matter what this life holds He knows our pain, He wants our worries, and He's patiently waiting for us to let Him in, because He will love us best. 
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Inspired by shark week

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Because sometimes you have to play the role of the quick, but not quite quick-enough defenseless seal.

video


video
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To whom it may concern,

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I know this girl...
Who:
Loves the Lord, and knows the Word ("knows" it, like can quote me the passage from Psalms that she's been praying for me)--amazing
She makes me smile, makes me laugh, gives the best hugs and loves my kids
Lord of the Rings is her favorite
She's way smart, but not weird smart (you know there's a difference)
Is beautiful but never flaunts it (and the Gazelle is her regular form of exercise)
She:
Deserves the best, and
Is a life long friend


With her :
You can bank on owning a dog (specifically a lab)
-- or maybe you already have one?
Snow skiing would be a favorite vaca
Eating out is built into the budget (but who doesn't' love to eat out)
-- maybe you can cook?
You'll have your own live-in nurse and therapist
Whole Foods will be your grocery source
You will never lack for hand-sanitizer (let's face it, it is a germy world)
-- agree?
You get a prayer warrior and a cheerleader
Organic is a way of life, until you drive past a Dairy Queen
Art is both a hobby and a source of income (happy to be her first paying customer)
-- what's your hobby?
Your heart will be full
And while we all know the perfect girl doesn't exist, maybe she's perfect for you!
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Happy Birthday Baby...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

August 4th was your due date
If you were anything like your older sister, you would have come on your own terms
But let's face it there can be but ONE Charlie!
I am sure we would not be remodeling...but I am sure I would be decorating, and planning, and baking, and welcoming all the family and friends that would gather to celebrate you!
One year of life
You'd make a great addition to the imaginary world of your brother and sister
And you'd fit smack in the middle of your cousins (although I'm not sure you'd be ready to keep up with the Hurricane)

If I let myself,
I see that day and I can feel it all over again
The panic, the confusion, the disbelief, the pain
My hand squeezes your daddy's
My eyes search the screen for your movement
My ears strain to hear the beat of your heart
And for a second my eyes leave you to scan the face of the technician
And then I do it all over again, because I'm missing it, all of it
You're body is still and your heart is silent
You're gone
And my heart breaks because already I love you, already you're mine
I thought you were mine to keep
But HE had a different plan
You were always HIS, mine only for a few weeks
But you made me stronger, made me trust HIM more
And I know someday you'll welcome me HOME; I can't imagine your face, but I'm sure I'll know it and there HE will keep us both!

I cried for you again today baby girl.
I don't let myself very often.
But today is your day - so for today it's okay.
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21st Century

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Register


So I registered my iPhone and now I can mobile blog
The details of which I am still sorting out,
BUT I am sure the transfer of pics from iPhone to blog will be accomplished with very minimal effort
Dear self,
Welcome to the 21st Century
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Eggs etc.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Remember the movie Run Away Bride?
She kept running because, turns out she didn't know who she really was
I was that girl -
the one that wanted the brand name clothes so I'd be the same as you
and the one who liked the music on your radio, because it was yours
and the one who compromised
and the one who lost her way

But I'm not that girl anymore
And most of it started when I met him - my tall-skinny, dark haired-brown eyed, knight in shining armour who also doubled for court jester
Simply because, he liked me just the way I was
And he still does...

It just feels really great to be me
I'm far from perfect
But I'm forgiven
And although I haven't run (okay lets face it an 11 min mile isn't really running)
So, I haven't jogged in over 4 weeks, my weight's still down AND
I can squeeze into my skinny jeans - the only problem with squeezing is the muffin top that squishes out the top
Jacob says the top of the muffin is the best part...
I put the jeans back into the closet!
I love being a mom, and my kids make me smile as well as prematurely gray
I have great friends
My family is amazing and I love them
Sometimes I say awesome with a very non-awesome connotation
I miss Josh and Abbey
Coffee is best with conversation; and Starbucks, although over-priced, is my favorite
My spaghetti sauce comes from a jar and the brand is Classico
I wish Extra still made the Winter fresh flavor, but Cobalt is a fare substitute
Buying in bulk at Sam's doesn't always save me $ (did you know chocolate raisins come in bulk?)
I'm so excited for Jonas and Megan, awe love!
Redecorating our house has been so much fun, just wish the budget was unlimited
Can't wait to hang my new art-work in my refurbished rooms
I'm praying for this girl
I like my eggs scrambled, just slightly overcooked so they're not watery with lots of salt topped with sharp cheddar cheese, AND over-medium, AND as a veggie omelet, AND as an egg sandwich (whole wheat toast- american cheese and mustard), BUT NOT covered in hollandase.

Not everyday feels this good to be me
But I'm glad today does!

--How do you take your eggs?
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Recent Favorite [Ethan] Quotes

"Mom, I miss you more than everybody misses somebody"
--Ethan (during our goodnight phone call)

"If you want Jesus then you don't have to die...I want Jesus!"
--Ethan (following the one-verse-gospel night at VBS)
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Favorite Reflections