An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy Birthday Nephew

Today your turn one.
We waited patiently for your birth.
You mommy struggled to bring you into this world.
It was all worth it when she held you.

Today you...
Crawl because it's faster than walking
Love food
Laugh and smile
Are happy, when you get your way
Are a little stubborn
Have an ornery grin, like daddy
Already push and test your boundaries
Are sweet
Gave me a big hug (you don't give hugs like that very often)
Love to be a part of your cousins play
Like to hear music
Can say "ball" "dog" and we think you say "Josh" instead of daddy
You shake your head 'no' or laugh when asked to say mommy (Stinker!)

I wish I could be with you more,but I cherish the time I have with you.
You're going to be a good big-brother.
You're going to challenge dad and mom.
You're so loved by this family God has placed you in.

Happy Birthday little buddy
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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas Day 2009

The ground blanketed in snow, and the snowflakes still falling
You awoke from your rests energized and ready to brave the cold
We bundled up - you both dawned your new snow boots, and wore two-pairs of gloves
It was only a few blocks to drive, but we slid most of the way
The long green sled cradled you both, and you squealed with joy as you slid down the hill
Over and over you raced up, just to slide down again.

Ethan you would hurry your climb up the hill so you could sneak in an extra slide before Charlie traipsed back up. For almost every one ride you shared with Charlie you went one by yourself - from pure hustle.
Charlie you loved it and after a very teary first experience almost one-year ago, you only cried once. With a face full of snow, following a tumbled-landing "daddy, I need a towel" you said, and when daddy could not produce a towel you were reduced to tears. Mommy's damp scarf made due and you continued to play.
I took lots of pictures.
You tackled daddy - he let you
We threw snowballs, we made snow angels
We marched through the snow back to the car
We cuddled on the couch under an electric blanket and enjoyed a dinner of popcorn and hot-chocolate.
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Merry Christmas

Friday, December 25, 2009

I kissed my family goodbye
And braved the snowy weather
Tonight I tucked in the sick, and the hurting
The snow falls and the wind whistles
Tick-tock, Tick-tock the clock whispers
The hour to day-light draws near
Christmas is almost here
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Sunday, December 20, 2009

I want to remember
How Charlie looked while standing in her chair today at Mawna's to perform:
"I have a little turtle, his name is tiny Tim
I put him in the bathtub to see if he could swim
He drank up all the water, he ate up all the soap
And now he's home sick in bed with bubbles in his throat

How her hands scooped the air and her body swayed with the motions.
How she smiled with pride
How we clapped for her
How much joy she brings me!

I want to remember the glow that illuminated Ethan's face as he described the"great adventures" he had outside with Jacob.
Exploring the fields, jumping the creek, climbing in the tractors, rummaging through the barns.
How he hugged me, nestling his cool cheek into my neck
How much he appreciates nature
What a caring big-brother he is

I want to remember the faces of my grandparents
They seem older than I remember them, but they radiate joy and pride in their family
I want to remember the legacy they have started
I want to continue it
I want to remember how grandpa cares for Mawna and how she respects him
I want to remember how Jacob wrapped his arms around me and held me tight
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Things I miss about working nights...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

My tired mornings with the kids before they go to school
My phone conversations with Amy on the way
Afternoons with the kids
Kissing Jacob goodbye after our 5-min daily report

Ethan asked "Mom, do you have to go to work again in the morning"
Me - "yeah, buddy - I do"
Ethan - "awwwwwe"
Me - "do you like it when mommy works nights or days better"
Ethan - "I like it when you work nights, mommy"
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Just what I needed...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tonight you pulled me close and hugged me tight
You breathed in deep and whispered - "you smell good"
I giggled, and said - "what do I smell like"
"HOME" - you said

I love you
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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Life-group, Wednesday.
Question -have you witnessed someones life pre and post-Christ
And describe...
I did, and Jacob said I should tell you, but it's easier for me to write and I know you read so...I'm telling you

You were always a sweet loving person
Who made good decisions
You loved Josh and had a true interest in the word
You believed
And it's been amazing watching you grow
You're still just as sweet
You are an inspiration to me, what a Christian wife should be
Content where you are, in the moment you're in
Supportive of Joshua and submissive in a way I struggle to be
I remember praying with you (I still pray for you) before you were pregnant with Briggs
That God would help you to be a faithful Christian mother, that you would believe you could be, and that God would bless your family.
HE has, and YOU are!
I am so glad God put you in my forever family.
I love you so much!
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The "A"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Today I decided to decorate for Christmas.
The house is clean, the kids excited
And no foreseeable time in the near future following Thanksgiving to get it done

It was great fun watching the kids pull-garland and lights from the boxes
And then we pulled-out the stockings and stocking holder
Last year on clearance I bought "PEACE"
5 - stocking holders, expecting there to be an extra stocking this year
And I just stood there as the tears welled up in my eyes and stared at the empty "A"
Ethan looked at me with inquisitive eyes
I sat down on the couch, and he hugged me
And I cried

Ethan, unable to understand and just too excited and busy hopped up and started rummaging through the boxes
He brought me a star, and inside this star was Mary holding baby Jesus
We took it together to the empty "A" and filled it with Jesus

Flooded with emotions I just cried, and cried some more
Thoughts of...
The little baby girl I don't get to share Christmas with
Other friends who are missing the same
My little brother, who was supposed to be married this Christmas
Soldiers fighting for us far away
Families struggling without jobs
Heartache, Struggle, Pain

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A week in the life of...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Monday was our only "normal" day at home -

I enjoyed the kids. I made organized piles. Did some laundry - but didn't' fold it.
Redirected when the screaming started. Kept my cool. Put away clean clothes. Unpacked. Played. Laughed. Made a budget and paid bills. Got tackled. Pretended to be a monster. Got put in jail. Promised to be nice and got out of jail. Kissed Jacob. Was treated to dinner out to celebrate Jacob's birthday with my in-laws. Ate cake. Hugged the kids. Prayed with Charlie. Ethan prayed with daddy. Snuggled up with Jacob. Watched TV. Prayed. Slept soundly cuddled in Jacob's arms.

Tuesday I went to MOPS. Disappointed and hurt a friend. Apologized. Felt guilty. Accepted her forgiveness. Still need to give her a hug (and it's Friday).
Hugged mom and Abbey. Let Charlie sleep in the car. Stole some chocolate goldfish from Briggs. Shopped for picture outfits. Chased Ethan and Charlie around clothing racks. Made them sit in the stroller. Listened to Charlie cry. Sent my tired kids home with Jacob. Found Jacob a sweater. Didn't buy anything for me. Relished my time with my family. Clapped with Briggs. Smiled. Wished we were closer (in distance). Was sad to say goodbye. Went to work. Talked to Amy on the way. Got floated. Had a bad attitude. Fixed my attitude. Held babies. Tried hard not to fall asleep. Took a break. Held more babies. Drove home to my babies.

Wednesday (and so tired). Enjoyed hearing "Maaaamee," as E and C rushed into my arms. Hugged them. Kissed them. Remembered how much I miss them. Smiled. Talked with Alicia. Pulled already packed lunches from the fridge. Got the kids loaded in the car. Listened to silly songs. Dropped them off. Prayed. Went to bed after checking facebook. Could have - Should have just gone to bed. Slept for 4 hours. Showered. Put on new clothes. Picked up E and C. Played outside. Drank hot-chocolate with marshmallows on top. Read books. Cooked dinner. Ate dinner. Drove to work. Prayed. Worked.

Thursday (not as tired as Wednesday morning, but tired). Called Jacob on my way home. Prayed. Repeat Wednesday morning go-to-school routine. Go to bed, without checking facebook. Prayed. Slept for 3.5 hours (because I just couldn't sleep). Picked up the kids. Listened to silly songs. Made cookies. Decorated cookies - Wildcats and Stars. Built with blocks. Hugged and kissed Jacob. Made breakfast for dinner. Ate breakfast for dinner. YUM. Watched Jacob get tackled. Laughed. Watched the kids beg for Jacob to throw them. Watched the kids get thrown. Drank tea. Put on make-up and deodorant. Hugged and kissed all members of my family. Drove to work again. Prayed. Worked. Wrote. Internet shopped and surfed. Worked some more. Looked forward to the end of a long week.
One more tired-drive-home to drive. One more go-to-school routine to finish. 3-4 hours of sleep to catch. Silly songs to listen to. Lots of pretend to play. Appointment with the cable co. Time to spend with Jacob. And real-sleep, at night, when it's dark and you're supposed to be sleeping.

Relishing the fun we have together.
Striving to be a better friend, wife and mom.
Trying not to get bogged down by lack-of-sleep.
Smiling. Laughing. Hugging and kissing.
Storing away what "busy" feels like now, and cherishing each moment I have.
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Hey World...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I have an amazing husband!
Today is his birthday - he is 28.
I don't know who reads my blog - but I do hope that someday our kids will.
I hope they will see I'm a real person with failures, and embarrassing moments and I hope they read this post and think I want to be a husband/ have a husband just like that.

Jacob --
You hold my hand, and always kiss me goodbye
I should thank your dad for teaching you chivalry
From the day we met until now, you open doors for me and guide me through - your hand on the small of my back (I love that about you)
You pray for me
You are honest
You listen
You are silly with me
You make me laugh (and you know you're funny)
You always do the dishes, today I cleaned the kitchen and did dishes before you got home from work (Happy Birthday!)
You take out the trash and help with the laundry
You hold me close and make me feel safe
You let me cry on your shoulder, but you hate it when I cry
You are laid-back and my perfect match (I don't need to describe myself for you to know that I'm not laid-back)
You put-up with me :)
You support me

I love you
You are an amazing husband and I am blessed to be your wife!

Happy Birthday Sweetheart
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Be Blessed

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I can usually make the 2.5 hour drive home no-stops, no-problem. But not yesterday.

A ragged looking man sat sadly, holding a dog and duffel bag, at the corner of the convenience store. His cheeks rough, covered in scruff and in need of a shave, his skin tanned and leathery.

When I returned to the car Jacob was giving him all the change he could collect from his pockets and the crevices of the car. I opened my purse and pulled out the meager 6.00 I had.

All total we gave the man $8.00.

It didn't seem like much, but it was all we had to give.

He returned our small gift with a smile; dimples emerged from under the scruff of his cheeks and gratitude lit his eyes, and the blessing "May Jesus be with you."

"And may God bless you" was our simple, but genuine reply.

Be blessed.
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Monday, October 26, 2009

Today is your birthday.
You are busy at work - just another day?
I hope Ethan and Charlie's "happy-birthday" serenade encouraged you
I think I heard a smile in your voice when I talked with you on the phone.
I prayed for you...
I prayed for your heart to be filled with Gods purpose for you
I prayed for your day to go well
I prayed that whatever comes you will feel peace

I miss you
I miss Abbey
I wish I could be to Briggs what you both were to Ethan

Happy birthday little brother, I love you!
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I've been storing away little pieces of the day --
The piece of evening when Charlie curls up on my lap and sighs that sweet sigh,
then adds "I love you mom".
The piece of the afternoon when Ethan is eagerly helping with chores.
The piece of the morning when I am busy at work, then, pause to observe my two children; Kindly playing with each other - this morning they were finding and rescuing tiny monsters and sharing their food with them. I want to remember the way their tiny hands cupped the air as if there really was a tiny-little monster resting in their palms.
The piece of week that I have to share with Jacob, the one that is real-time together, not just our report in passing between work and sleep.
The piece of night just before bedtime when Ethan will still sometimes ask me to lay-down with him, and we get to talk.
The piece of early-morning when Charlie bounces me out of bed, to the couch and we read.
The piece of bedtime routine when we read our Bible-story and sometimes sing - last week it was "Father-Abraham" and we all marched around and did the motions together.
The piece of stillness, just as the kids are drifting off to rest, when I open my Bible and learn.

These pieces are stored away so I never forget how wonderful my life is, and how very blessed I am. Happy memories that fill my heart with joy and my face with a smile.
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Bustin' out...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

There are few embarrassing moments I can remember in my life.

I will remember this moment, age 27, day 10.19.09, place St. Louis airport, terminal E security

The set-up...
Getting dressed this morning for my audit in St.Louis I picked a white long-sleeve shirt, black pants (that fit better than the day I bought them last year - whoo-hoo), and my cropped jean jacket with the big buttons, and my mod-scarf from Jonas.

Dressing with accessories ie: the jacket with the big buttons and scarf is good for my figure, but they're not allowed to be worn through the metal-detector. You know, just in case you're packing guns or bombs or swords in your scarf :) It's just kinda a pain ------ I digress.

My flight was scheduled to leave at 3:30, I rolled-into the terminal at 3:16 . Thankfully the lines weren't too long, but I just happened to pick the one with the "trainee" checking our carry-ons, there were multiple bag rescans. In my rush to remove the afore mentioned jacket with the big buttons, I must have stretched or pulled in an unfamiliar way because, I felt a pop. Mental-panic, my support had snapped. And I just happened to be wearing the padded-bra with front-clasp. So here I stand jacket and scarf-less, deflated with extra padding floating somewhere around my armpits. Without looking suspicious I try and "hold it together" walk through the metal detector, grab my belongings -put on my jacket and button in it up. No time to check out the damage in the bathroom, so I race-walked to the loading ramp, boarded the plane and found my familiar window-seat over the wing.
Chuckling to myself, I shook my head, ate my honey-roasted peanuts and ordered a water from the flight-attendant.

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Patient Y

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I've taken care of you before
You make me sad
Your life will never be full like my Ethan or Charlie's
You will probably never walk or talk
Your mommy didn't want you
She tired to destroy you
But instead you were born into this cold world, early
Too early, and it damaged you
We "saved" you
They took you away from her, and then tried to give you back again

I've pleaded with God for you
And wrestled with why - why did God let us "save" you,
How can someone feel the gift of life within themselves and not feel love,
Why did you continue to suffer?

But this night, your new foster family arrived with you
I asked your new "mom" if she would like to hold you,
And tears rolled down her cheeks as she rocked you
She caressed you little toes and your fingers wrapped instinctively around hers.

And in that moment I didn't wrestle any longer
You are for her, and she is for you
God saved you because He knew she was waiting for you
He knew I would stand witness to the love she has for you
An earthly example of God's love
Taking the hurting and the broken, loving and caring for them
You will be forever cared for by our Heavenly Father,
but on this earth God has reserved a place for you in her heart and she loves you.
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Dear Friend

Friday, October 9, 2009

To the ones who were:
I've been thinking about you lately -
Where you are
How you are
Who you are

It seems you were placed in my life,
At the exact time I needed someone.
And then, life happened.

I don't call, you don't either,
And life goes on.
Thank you for being there when I needed you.

To the ones who are:
Far or close the distance doesn't seem to matter
Be it phone, facebook
Or face-time sharing meal-prep and the food to follow
We talk
We share
We are
And the details don't matters

I always look forward to our time together.
We may be working together
Wrangling kids together
Or just simply sharing space and life

I can tell you anything
You don't have to understand,
Although you usually do

You listen
We share failures and worries
You are a blessing from God and I know you are a forever friend.
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Missing Homecoming

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Crowed-dirty streets
Polish-sausages hot off the grill
Funnel-cake vendors
Strollers carrying babies, and dogs pulling their masters
Couples holding hands, Singles mingling
Hand-shakes, Hugs, Kisses, and Catching up
Rides that bring the kids joy and sometimes nausea
Horse racing, skee-ball and other over-priced games
Stiff-stuffed-toys (not made in USA)
Old friends
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The dreaded "V"

You were nervous
You held my hand
We made small talk
We laughed, a lot
They called you back
I didn't feel sad
I was worried I might feel sad
I didn't really feel anything
I prayed for you and for the doctor
It was quiet
People came and people went
I prayed some more
You came back to me
Brave face, stiff walk
You smiled
And we talked
And the realization, once again
How little control we have
How little the things we have, have anything to do with us
Two-perfect blessings
I Love you Jacob
Thank you God
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So it begins...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Me vs. Me
A battle of self-control and reconditioning

I started Weight-Watchers, again
This starts week 4
2 years ago, to the day -
I became a lifetime member for meeting and maintaining my goal weight.
I was the mother of a 8month old and 2year old.
I was exercising 3 times a week regularly one to two hours at a time
I was working 4-times a month, auditing
I was betrayed, hurt by the one who is supposed to love me the most
Outwardly beautiful, toned and thin - I questioned why and I gave up
Inside self-esteem bruised and broken


Today the mother of a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 year old
Exercising sporadically at best
Working 2-nights a week at the hospital, auditing 2 times a month
Supported and in love with the one who loves me the most on this earth
Trusting in the ONE who truly loves me the most
Outwardly striving to be healthy, and an example for my kids
Inside realizing self-esteem is much more than how I look

TRUTH - Food is for my survival and nutrition, nothing more
I have lost 6.7 pounds
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Dear son...

Today you are four
It doesn't seem very long ago we were vigilantly hovering over you
Watching and praying for you as you struggled for every breath
I could not hold you
I could not breathe for you, or fix your lungs
But the hand of the Great Physician could
I was challenged to trust and give you to Him
HE is the great healer!
Pure joy as we brought you home
You have grown into a sweet-spirited, independent little boy and we are very proud of you.
You are your sister's best-friend and worst enemy
My snuggler, Daddy's wrestler and track buddy

You have taught me...
God's love as a Heavenly father
The joy and wonder of dirt, sand, leaves, trees, clouds and sunshine
Physical pain can be endured
Struggle can be overcome
Some books can be read over and over without any loss of enjoyment
How to teach
How my mom felt
Money is not important when compared to time with you, daddy and Charlie
Discipline is hard

I'm not sure what the future holds for us, for you -

I am sure of this...
I want you to know God
I want you to be safe
I want you to know I love you
I am not perfect
I am proud of you
I am your mom, no matter how big you get and I am blessed because of you.

Some stories I want to remember from this year...

All dressed up for church you began to fret
"Mommy I don't want to go to class" you cried, tears welling up in your beautiful brown eyes.
"What about church makes you sad, Ethan" I asked as I hugged you
Your answer - "being away from you mommy"
And I hugged you tighter and I reminded you why we go to church.
You cried again when I dropped you off, but you were smiling when I picked you up.
You've been saying for a while - "when I'm four I'm not going to cry anymore at church or school."
--You're such a sweetheart and We shall see if your condition for your self sticks...

KCPL's Sid The Science Kid, has been one of your favorite shows
And you really retain what you learn...
You drew a picture for daddy and when he got home you explained the drawing
"Dad, this is a pulley - it's a simple machine"
"You can use it for pulling heavy stuff up to your tree-house"
--You're amazing

You uninvited and re-invited uncle Josh to your birthday party about 10 times this year
You were afraid he would break your bouncy house, but the final invitation was given with the condition attached : "He bring you a present, and promise not to eat your cake or break the bouncy house"
--You're funny

You and Charlie have been playing "Spiderman and Super-Girl" almost daily for the last month. You have pretend costumes you put on and take off. All bad-guys go to jail and have to say sorry and promise they will be nice before you let them out. Sometimes I get to be a good guy with you, sometime you chase me down and I get locked in jail.
--You do an excellent job saving the world at our house.
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I turn the key, and the car engine hums
My hand reaches to turn on my playlist and
Listen to the quiet around me, look at the detail of the trees
Take in the clouds and the wonder of a rain-drop as it drips onto the windshield
Turn on KLove Instead (97.3)
God's Playlist for me...
"all I need I found, finally, at the end of me"
"How great is our God"
David Crowder's "How He Loves"
And I cried as I worshiped
Again, it's not about's about living to bring glory to God
And on this day, when I'm stressed about flying, tormented and wrestling with what I'm supposed to do, how work fits into my life
I am His,
Held in His hands and made for His purpose
I have been given the blessing of two children to teach and bring up to know Him
The smiling face of my 4-year old birthday boy, eagerly awaiting my return home
The sweet sound of "mmmmm-waaah" as beautiful Charlie kisses me goodbye
A cluttered dinning room table...Cinnamon pancakes, a happy birthday plate, eggs and bacon, markers, drawing tablets, Chutes & Ladders
The husband who took my face in his hands and kissed me goodbye, the same man who lovingly clasped his hands in mine and prayed over me last night.
Thunderstorms all across the mid-west
A delayed flight and opportunity to cancel my audit and reschedule for another day
Driving home with such joy
Rain falling all around me like the blessings of my life
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Happy Birthday Little- Brother

Monday, August 31, 2009

Here are somethings I know and a few I don't...

I know what a sweet heart you have
I know how hard you work and what you family means to you
I know we will always make time to be together
I know you love GOD
I know you are a great uncle to my children
I don't know what shoes Ethan will get for his birthday, but I know they'll come from you
I know it's hard to talk about our failures
I know you've witnessed some of mine
I know we're forgiven
I know it's hard to live in this world and not be of it
I know you CAN
I know you thought you had it all planned out,
I know how it feels for it all to fall apart
I don't know what is next for you
I know how happy you sounded the last time we talked
I know God has the BEST plan laid out and still to come for you
I don't know what it is
I know I am praying for you

Happy 22nd birthday Jonas - I love you
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

I read a friends post
I cried, and I remembered you, my unborn baby girl
The house is still and the hum of the computer the only noise

Baby girl - you would be two-weeks old today
You should be cradled in my arms
Instead you rest in God arms
I rest in knowing you are safe and loved and I will hold you someday

I cried some-more
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Chance and Contentment

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Like a picture from a comic strip - the light bulb moment :

Contentment can not be found in things, but from within
People will disappoint, things will decay
Life takes work, a disciplined effort and focus
It doesn't always feel good, but it makes us grow, makes us better
And it makes us
It is within me to choose this life,
The life I have right now and cherish it
My tired and overwhelming life, full of chances
The chance to feel like a human jungle gym all day
The chance to share in the joy of the creation of my children
The chance to welcome home the same wonderful man every night
The chance to be loved and held by my adoring husband
The chance to bless the sick and needy
The chance to cherish my family and my friends
The chance to glorify God

It doesn't always feel good, but I choose this life
I choose the chances of everyday, and I am so blessed
Content - from the inside out
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He called it a...

"Pop Box" - Ethan's current name for a vending machine
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A familiar pew
Lime carpet, stained and ragged
Wilting wallpaper and wood-paneling

A legacy of faith surrounds me
Jacob gently grasp my hand
Our children recline quietly between us

Salty tears stain my cheeks
Truth resounds in my ears
The image replays in my mind

The absence of light
The light of the world

They tried to beat the light out of Him
In Crucifixion, they tried to extinguish the light
But it was not theirs to squelch

The light of the world shines
As He did in the beginning, as He always will

Lost in the dark?
Look around
Can you see it?
He shines for you
Will you open your eyes?
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I believe

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The last rays of sunlight glisten through the trees
Shades of red and orange color the sky
The sun retires
The house is quiet, and I read :

"I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
To whom will you compare me or count me equal?
To who will you liken me that we may be compared?
Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come...
What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do."

And I believe.
My heart is quiet, like my house.
I listen to the words of God and I wonder at His power, His creation, His will.
I do not understand His love for me...but I know I have been rescued, and forgiven.
His words are for me, and I claim His promises.
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Chicken or the Egg

Saturday, August 1, 2009

While sitting around the table enjoying our eggs, bacon and pancakes, made by chef daddy.
Jacob asked the kids - "where do eggs come from?"
Ethan with confidence boldly shouted "Egg trees"
Jacob and I both smiled and said, "no - silly, from chickens"
To which Charlie quickly chimed in "Chicken trees"

It was a great way to start this Saturday morning!
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I wear a smile, but do my eyes give me away

Conversations cordial, does my voice deceive

Clutter, lack of motivation, organized piles, dust, grimey linoleum

Confused about work, waiting for an answer - realize I'm not really asking

The job I really want dosen't pay in dollars or offer insurance coverage


What am I supposed to do,

Please close a door so I don't have to choose and risk the wrong choice
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I can not do it all
It is not my responsibility to fix-it
I am not perfect, nor is anyone else in the world

God CAN and God IS
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Patient X

Monday, July 6, 2009

I see your sad eyes
I hear your broken heart
I feel your tormented spirit
Your body abused and scared
Your manner manipulative, fearful, desperate

You're a victim of this cruel world
You've not seen or known true love
Selfless and sacrifice are foreign words to you
Abandoned, Lost and Alone
You struggle through life

You're only 16- you've tried that many times to end your life
You pace restlessly, hands over your ears
You hear voices, I prayed for them to disappear
I am still praying for you

You didn't rest that night
You parents weren't there, they didn't even call
We laughed some and you smiled some
We were serious and still

You gave me a hug and asked if I loved you
I said I did, but that God loved you more
You scoffed
My hands firmly on your shoulders I peered into your sad eyes and repeated again
He does, God loves you more
You were quiet

The next day you were gone
Where are you now
Are your eyes still sad, Is your heart still hurting
Do you remember what I said
Do you believe it
Will you ever
What more can I do
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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Before bed each night I am drawn to the front door. My eyes tell me it's locked, yet my feet move toward it, arm outstretched and fingers reaching. The sensation of the cool-smooth metal glides under my finger-tips and there is calm within me.

How is it that the sensation of a metal lock turned to the west can give me a sense of peace?

For one week I have passed by the door, fingers pressed to my side, believing what my eyes see. I was not created to be ruled by such impulses and feelings of anxiety. And I refuse to continue to be!

2Timothy 1:7 --For I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind.

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When you have children...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

You'll understand.
How it feels, why I said that, what I meant, and so much more.

It feels like :
I've released a small piece of my heart into the world, the pain-filled world I can not control.
A crushing blow when that little piece gets bruised.
The warm rays of sun enveloping me in their light when you smile.
I could burst with pride and joy.
The pounding of rain on a metal roof as I shield you.
I should know what's best, but sometimes I don't.
Opening a gift- the best gift, you couldn't have described it, but it's perfect.

What I meant is :
I love you.
I'm proud of you.
You're beautiful.
Be careful.
Don't cry.
I'm praying for you.
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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Thoughts of you...

The scent of sawdust, a pencil covered in wirey curls resting behind your ear
Levi jeans that required constant tinkering
2x4's, concrete, insulation, sheet rock and shingles

And trading it all for
Aluminum shavings, a new kind of blueprint, CNC machines and a desk chair complete with computer
The jeans stayed the same

Campfires, eggs and bacon in a cast iron skillet
The rumble of a boat motor and cool-muddy water
Directions shouted in love and time taken to teach us how to ski

A coach who played to win
A fan who yelled from the stands
And a dad who encouraged me to do my best, and supported me success or failure

Hugs that squeeze tight enough to take my breath away
A playful display of affection for mom
And the phrase "If I didn't give you a hard time, how would you know I loved you"

An example who reads and teaches the Word of God
Prayers lifted up
Songs sung in boisterous spirit, no matter the vocal talent

I love you Dad - Happy Father's Day
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Second chances

I'll never forget that day in the driveway...your look of sadness and the words "I thought you were different, I'm so disappointed"
But what I remember most is your strong embrace that came after.
So enveloping and tight; it was almost as if you were shrinking me back, back to your little girl.
The one who didn't hurt you, the one who gave you joy.
But I would bring you joy again; I would be different- not perfect, but different.
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Fun Summer-habits

Friday, June 19, 2009

The last couple of weeks...
Ethan has ridden his bike while Charlie and I walk at an easily distracted-"Charlie-pace" just steps behind...
Together we've trekked to the CVS to spend chore money; for Ethan a rubber-band-airplane (which is already broken) new crayons and "lipstick" for Charlie (Cotton-candy lip smackers).
We've frequented the local ice cream parlor and eaten drippy-colorful ice cream cones outside in the humid heat.
A special with-daddy trip to the grocery-store, where daddy forgot to buy the card, but Ethan and Charlie got a $1 worth of candy.
All afoot, or on bike
We've chalked the dull canvas of our driveway creating an ocean, outer-space, body-outlines, shapes, and claimed it all by signing our names.
We've gone bug-hunting under rocks and in the mulch.
We've cooled off in the sprinkler and splashed in the over-flowing blue plastic pool.
We've worn suncreen enough that today Ethan said "oh, mom don't forget to put suncreen on me - I don't want to get a sunburn"
We've stayed up late and slept in.

Finding joy, wonder and inspiration in the little things...and I love it.
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Conspicuously open seats between patiently waiting travelers
Couples sit together, but headphones and books separate
I pods - shuffling
Cells phones - texting, talking, organizing and emailing
Lap tops - typing, googling, working, blogging
Business dress, business-casual, casual, pajamas
TV's on reporting the latest world news; election protests in another place, new-health plan proposal, US budget mess, DOW and stock progress
A group of teens huddle together - laughing, smiling and carefree as they await their impending journey
And here I sit, in the middle of the media-overload
An open seat between me and the woman quietly working on her blackberry
My foot tapping as "Fix You" by Coldplay creates a quiet soundtrack in my head
And although we share this space, we don't share
My heart cries out; Are you OK, are you happy, are you burdened, are you hurting?
I can't fix you - but I know who can...
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Friday, June 5, 2009

Heavy-warm-brown eyes twinkled staring deep into my own and with an honest, and loving tone Ethan joyfully proclaimed "Mommy, thank you so much for letting us sleep in the tent all night."
His gratitude was worth the back-pain from the hard, uneven ground (Jacob and I had relinquished the air-mattress to the kids). Their excitement and delight was too great to disappoint them by forcing them trade and sleep on the "bed" we had fashioned from sleeping bags for them.
It was our first camp-out with the kids. The back-yard was sufficient, after-all it is an island, a jungle, a forest, and a dessert, the ideal spot to pitch a tent and "rough-it". We applied copious amounts of "bug-screen"(as Ethan called it) and lit a "fire" (Citronella candle) to ward-away the mosquitoes. Marshmallows roasted on sticks over a real wood fire, contained within the smoker, created the gooey-sticky center to our chocolaty bedtime snack (smores). Charlie's turtle cast green and blue stars and moon shapes on the ceiling of the tent and our lantern lit the pages of Dr. Seuss. Tongue tied we recited rhymes until the darkness of night enveloped us and it was time for sleep. We only had to remind you "heads on pillow" and threaten moving inside a handful of times before you settled into your covers and let your eyelids close.
The pictures I captured will remind me of this fun first, but nothing can compare to the memory or fully describe the joy that illuminated your faces this cool, peaceful summer night. It was a wonderful campout.
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For my husband

Friday, May 29, 2009

It's been 5-years today - Happy Anniversary.


You are my still and even-tempered fortress, my court-jester, and my encourager.
You easily diffuse the irrational within me, and remind me of the simple-important things.
You coax a smile and laughter from deep within that belongs only to you.
You foster a more-confident view of myself and tolerate my self-loathing moments.
You are more than an equal; you are a quiet leader and willingly serve our home and family.

We have shared unimaginable highs and endured heart-wrenching lows.
We have struggled with our own imperfections, but together our mountain of flaws are easier to climb.
We have gained insight into each others minds and hearts.
We have two beautiful children and cultivate the best in each other as parents.
We have grown together and individually making this family and our marriage better.

Year 1: I recall a general feeling of elation surrounding daily tasks. Scrubbing toilets, making dinner (which almost daily included dessert), picking up your smelly socks...the list could go on and on. We indulged in date-nights, relished each others company and catered to each others needs. Haddie came to live with us and challenged our authority and meager apartment. We learned our family of two was quickly to become a family of three. You graduated from college and began the job search. We made plans...
Year 2 : We moved from our apartment into our first home. You still didn't have a teaching-job, but we forged ahead making plans for me to work only part-time. You patiently tolerated and indulged my pregnancy "cravings" and laziness. I had my first "Mother's Day" as an expectant-mom. Haddie needed to find a new family due to our new-neighbors. With only one-till the start of school, you landed a great job and thus your career began at California Trail Junior High. We decided on the name Ethan Samuel for our little boy and he was born in September, but September was over a month early and we sat at his crib in prayer and watched with anticipation for him to grow stronger so we could bring him home. He came home and he grew, he was a quiet, easy-going baby with the temperament of his daddy. Just as we were adjusting to our new family of three, SURPRISE, we were pregnant again. You allowed me to sulk as I adjusted to the idea of another pregnancy, and after a week you spoke the harsh-but-kind words I needed to awakening me from my sullenness. And so we excitedly awaited the arrival of our second baby into our...
Year 3 : We found out our second baby was baby-girl, and we decided to call her Charlie (the only name we both could agree on). Ethan celebrated his 1st birthday and second Christmas. Josh and Abbey moved back to Fredonia and we grieved the loss of our closets friends and family. We made plans for me to cut-back from working after Charlie's arrival. When Charlie decided to come it was on her timeline, you escaped a speeding-ticket on the way to the hospital and after only two-hours at the hospital Charlie made her debut 2:12 am. She was healthy, but not a very happy baby, and her crying was soothed by very little we could provide. At 5 months she began to crawl and our Charlie-girl began to lighten-up a little. We lived as zombies, sleep-deprived and edgy- but we managed. Our first-home began to show it's normalcy and flaws - and we began to make some minor improvements, a flooded basement prompted us to begin deconstruction and remodeling sooner than anticipated, but we were beginning to learn our limits and our family pitched in. Your secret unveiled - you hurt me. But sin always hurts. So, I bestowed on you the same grace our Father in heaven has given me - we confronted it together, we grew stronger and we moved on.
Year 4 : Ethan celebrated his second birthday, and he informed me multiple times "no mommy, I wear diapers" so we delayed the potty-training experience until age 2 3/4. We discovered the robber of our little girls joy and it was the inability to move or express herself. It was a relief when at 9 1/2 months Charlie started walking; this new found independence provided some happiness and the little girl we now know and love began to bloom. Ethan tolerated his sister invading his space, but inevitably the "mine-war" began. We celebrated the life of our beautiful girl turning one, and she conveniently took a much-needed nap during her own party. Our house remained in a constant state of disrepair or remodel, it was beginning to get to us - so we hired a professional. You excel in your job and it's fun getting to listen to your classroom stories. I only work PRN at the hospital and audit four-times a month for AMC and CTSystems (but I miss nursing). Our summer was spent at the pool and with new best-friends Ian, Booke and Heath Gariss.
Year 5 : No more fussing with the house, our basement is complete, we have two-full remodeled bathrooms and all new plumbing that works, for now our work is done. We continue to grow as parents as our children mature and need in new ways. Ethan is completely potty-trained! He celebrated his third birthday with a train ride (friends and family all-aboard). He is so bright, has such a gentle spirit and amazes us daily. Thanksgiving - we were surprised again, but happy to find out we were pregnant again (no sulking this time). But our joy turned to fear when I started bleeding, a simple blood test confirmed a low-hormone level (easily fixed) and a sonogram confirmed a heart beat, I prepared myself for a hot and "big" summer and looked forward to our due date of August 4th. Our nephew Briggs was born in December and we celebrated with Josh and Abbey. It was with heavy hearts we found out only one week later that we had lost our baby (10 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy). Surgery was recommended and I endured it. Ethan was sad we didn't get to keep our baby "I wanted our baby to live with us, mommy" he told me, but he seemed to comprehend (in a way I yet was unable) when we explained that our baby had died and was going to live with Jesus in heaven. Only two-days after the surgery we celebrated Charlie's life, her second-birthday. She is now a joyous, head-strong, talkative little beauty who often refers to herself as "princess". Ethan and Charlie still compete in the "mine-wars" but for the most part they play-pretend together, share their things and help get each other into and out-of trouble. We get a little more sleep than the early years. You're getting ready to go back to school for your master's degree-applying for a high school teaching position, and I'm back at KU part-time with benefits.
We are blessed with each other, our children, family, friends and most of all God's love and grace. And I am excited to begin our Year 6.

I love you Jacob
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Saturday, May 23, 2009

It's just not my nature to indulge myself in political reading or conversation. I don't particularly enjoy keeping up with the morphing laws and worldly developments. The nightly news is ill-focused and depressing.
I don't give "facebook-thumb's up" to political-action-movements. I don't protest. I don't sign petitions. And, I'm mostly-sure, little good would come out of those actions if taken (well for sure the facebook thing).

Am I apathetic?

Apathy (via Wikipeida) = a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion.

Maybe I am?
So the question rises within me, if I am politically apathetic is this a "right" state for me to live in?

The answer, and the required course of action stemming from the answer, are both a little hazy. Continue to monitor and assess.
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Friday, May 22, 2009

Charlie choose a sundress today. A loud yellow hue-with orange daisy print. The color magnifies her beautiful skin-tone and she declared herself a princess.
I coaxed my beautiful girl and mis-matched boy into the stroller for a jog with chocolate milk. They both obliged, I cranked up the ipod and off we went.
Exactly 1 min into the expedition (I know because I was wearing Jacob's timex watch) Charlie's sundress caught the breeze and the drama commenced.
Exclamations of "no, dress-no" tears, whaling and more "no-no" And the wrestling match, Charlie vs. sundress, began the wind grasping the delicate edge of the dress and Charlie pinning it down in frustration.
I received a "look" from observer number-one, as we passed. Mom and toddler, of course her toddler was happily pedaling his 3-wheeler as she talked on the phone.
At mile number-1 (10 min 45 sec - timex watch remember) I probably looked like mom of the year to the woman in her pj's patiently encouraging her dog to poo on the front lawn.
There was a brief reprieve from the whaling at 16 min 28 seconds, which quickly resumed as my pace accelerated down-hill and a breezy gust blew over.
Mile number-2 (19 min and some-odd seconds) I jerked the double-stroller to a halt and threatened "do you want a spanking" Of course her answer was "no" which came out more like "nnnn-oooo." "Then stop throwing a fit" I exclaimed.
For the remainder of our 29 min jog there was peace and quiet - Charlie's hands remained glued to the sundress and Ethan lovingly-tolerated Charlie resting her head on his shoulder.
What else can I say....
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It was an hour drive home from Blue Springs in rush-hour traffic. And while Ethan had taken my suggestion to use Dana's bathroom prior to our departure, at approximately I-435 and State Line exit the Crystal-Lite lemonade began to take effect. Ethan informed me he needed to potty - I asked if he could make it home, to which her replied "I want to pee in the grass." I tried to explain the traffic, the lack of available grass, and so grudgingly he replied "I guess".

It was at the painfully slow intersection of State Line and 103rd street when the multiple-glasses of Crystal-Lite lemonade overpowered his little body and the potty-exclamation began to escalate. Turn lane at 103rd street; 3-green lights had passed and still we remained trapped. Anxiously waiting; the whines, proclamations and tears began to flow with great intensity.
Distraction, I thought..."Ethan let's talk about something else, tell me what cars do you see?"
He observed the tightly packed traffic and commented on the "big-truck and named multiple-colors of cars" but it only lasted a few seconds and the whaling began again. I knew an accident was imminent...
So I offered the only other option I had...a chic-fil-a Styrofoam cup - as matter-of-fact as I possibly could I gave the choices "Ethan you can wait till we get home or try and pee in a cup"
"Pee in a cup" was his quick reply.
I gave precise directions- unbuckle the car seat, stand in the floor, now pull your pants down (meanwhile I scooted my driver's seat forward to give him enough room to stand), "here's the cup", point into the cup...thanks to cell-phones most of the drivers near us were too busy talking, texting, etc to notice.
"Here you go mom" Ethan said as he relinquished the pee-filled cup back to me. It looked much like the lemonade I had just discarded out the window. I placed it carefully in the available cup-holder and there it sat, a cup of pee right next to my bottle of smart-water.
Now Ethan was still standing, and we were on the move at this point so I instructed him to return to his seat and secure his buckle to which he commented "because if I don't the police will stop us and take you away to jail"
I giggled, grinned and replied - "something-like that."

And there you have it - a beverage holder and a portable-potty thanks to the folks at Chic-fil-A.
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Monday, May 11, 2009

I hold a picture of you in the fore-front of my mind;
Peacefully sitting at the kitchen table, absorbed in your Bible, journal and pencil near.
Me; keys in hand, backpack slung over one shoulder, exiting for the day at school.

I realize now how desperately I want to recreate it in my own life.
The props may differ and the timing off, but the example...
I can fathom now that some of that time hovered over your Bible you were searching for me, you were praying for me and you were a faithful mom for ME.
Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU - I love you mom.
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28 weeks

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Is how pregant I should be right now...and I know because when in November we found out we were expecting I wrote each week down on our calendar.

My belly should be round and full. We would know "baby" was baby-girl; I should be able to feel her shifting and kicking inside of me, how I cherish that sensation (it's truly the one-thing I miss about being pregnant). We would be falling in love with her more and more everyday.

Little did I know almost 6-months later, I would not be 28 weeks pregnant. I would have endured tests, medication, surgery and still be paying for all-the-above. I wonder if the sonographer, who was rude and acted rushed on our arrival, felt any regret for her attitude toward us as she observed the missing heart-beat and measured our lifeless baby trapped inside my body. I am so very grateful that Jacob was at that appointment with me.

I think about my very first Mother's day almost 4 years ago - I was preganant with Ethan, and how this mother's day I should be too.

And as depressing as this may sound, I feel better after writting it. I can not cry,- Is it possible I have cried all the tears I can for this little girl, for this loss of experience?
There is a peace, beyond my own understanding and I am reconciled to the reality I am the mother of two-instead of three. But it is more than reconciled, beacuse I am so truly thankful and blessed with the two-children I have.

And so, this Mother's day will come and go, like all the ones to follow. I will celebrate my mother her life, her beauty, her example and her amazing love for me and my brothers, and I will be thankful I have been blessed with my two-children to love.
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Dear children

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ethan --
I am blessed by your sweet spirit and eagerness to assist me with whatever I may ask.
You include your sister in your games and take her hand when she lags behind.
You also like to torment your sister, taking toys she has or getting to the toy she wants before she gets a chance.
If we could play outside all day you would be joyfully satisfied.
You line your cars in organized rows, and stack the books by size neatly.
Reading holds your attention better than a television show, but your happy to have the TV on as background-distraction while you play.
It is compelling observing your imagination at work - recreating stories, adding details and creating your own unique scenarios of play.
You are smart.
You like to tease me and deny a hug, you lightheartedly wipe away my kisses.
I am frustrated with your sensitivity to clothing - today you cried for 7 minutes and tried on 4 different pair of underwear before you found the right pair that didn't "bother you." You also have an aversion to wearing socks, but are equally upset when your unveiled feet are encrusted with the grime of your shoes. While I may not understand this sensitivity I will do my best to support you, listen and encourage you to grow.
I love you

Charlie --
I am amazed at your resilience and blessed by your exuberance.
Each action is done with passion, your speech is animated, and your smile contagious.
You are an eager participant in Ethan's make-believe, and you enjoying being a part of the game.
You love your brother, but also relish in getting him in trouble.
Dirt has its own magnetic pull to you, and you are blissfully unaware of how dirty you get while playing outside or eating.
You can sit motionless in front of the television, but are most content when sitting on my lap, be it in front of the TV or reading and this makes me glad.
Full-force you run into my arms and hug with all your might, you give kisses away freely but with sincerity and dotingly say "I love you too, mom" before I have the chance to tell you first.
You are smart too.
You thrive on routine, and request to go to bed when you are tired, you skipped lunch 3 days in a row to take a nap.
I am frustrated when you cry and refuse to use words to express yourself. I don't know what you want when you cry. I am frustrated when I have to ask you several times to do the same thing. I will be patient with you as you learn how to express yourself in words and I will bend-down to your level and look you in the eyes to make sure you hear and understand my requests. I love you.

I am blessed to be your mom
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For my brothers....

To the first, my life-long best friend - who has blessed me with the sister of my dreams:
You haven't always had the words, but you've always been there.
You've been brave for me, protected me and given me confidence.
You've displayed responsibility in your practicality, and I have learned from you.
Although I am older, you are my "big brother" and I love you.

To the second, my child before children - who has blessed me with your sweet spirit:
We are alike you and me, but not the same;
I am more guarded, you more genuine,
I lacking in self-confidence, you saturated and beaming.
We've taken pain in stride, displayed resiliance, and gained understanding.
You are honest and I will always be here to listen to you.
You make me proud, you make me smile and I will forever want the best for you.
Although I am smaller, you will always be my "little brother" and I love you.
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

It begins with aspiration, and is driven by the notion that this body can be transformed.
My feet pound the concrete, and my legs turn.
My breath labors and quickens.
The boquet of spring is inhaled with every breath, and my breathing slows to enjoy each unique fragrance - Sweet lilac, fresh cut grass, the scent of an elderly gentleman enjoying a pipe on his porch (the kind that reminds me of Uncle Tom).
My shadow vanishes and unites with the darkness.
And distraction, in the form of my "motivational mix", aides my pace.
Rhythm finds each step and suddenly it's almost effortless.
Now I can push - demanding my body to go faster, and farther I press on.
I gain self-control as my mind disciplines my body to act beyond it's presumed "limits".
So, while working on the outside of me the inside is made more beautiful too. I see the ability lying in wait within me to press-on, to discipline myself, and to move outside of my own comfort.
I am both challenged and fortified.

Philippians 3:14 : I press on toward the goal for the prize to which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
1 Corinthians 9:24b-26 : Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games excerises self-control in all things. They do it to recieve a preishalbe crown, but we do it to gan a crown that lasts forever. Therefore I run in sich a way, as not without aim...I buffet my body and make it my slave.
Philippians 3:12b : I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
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Reflection of my past...

Friday, May 1, 2009

The events of the past can not be undone.
The effects are sensed in the present, and ultimately shape the future.
My past holds for me some of the ugliest and yet some of the most beautiful pieces of me.
The ugly piece I loathe, it is an ever present reminder of the pain that accompanies sin and poor choices. I was broked and conflicted.
The beautiful piece I cherish, it binds me tightly to my family and draws me closer to God. I was innoncent and sustained.
Without either part I would not be the same me.
The ugly and beautiful alike have molded and chiseled the reflection I now see.
So, I use my past to forge ahead, the stinging reminder of pain triggers better choices, and while lost innoncence can not be regained I can strive to maintain the innoncence of my children.

Philippians 3:13 b : "...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead..."
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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Your heart accelertates and stomach churns with anticipation of the impending ride. Trudgingly the coaster climbs, and climbs - you know what's coming, you can't go back. Strapped in and clenching the arm bars you surrender to the ride. The coaster peaks but swiftly plummets to the valley, and before you can fathom the valley you are again at the peak. Again the peak breaks to the valley, upside down you are twisted and bowed under the pressure of the ride. Then it ends. Screatching to a hault, we get off the ride, gain our bearings, and recover.
Why is it we compare life to a rollercoaster ride?
Because sometimes it is...

Novemeber 2008 - Elation. The blessing of a third child is given.

December 2008 - Determination. Despite complications we are optomistic, prayerful and disclose details with our friends and family.

Janurary 2009 - Grief. Pain. Miscarriage and a required surgical procedure to remove the baby from my body. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. Anger.

February 2009 - Age. Another year older. Acceptance again, as we discover the reason for the miscarriage - Turner's Syndrome.

March 2009 - Happiness. Thankful. I have two beautiful, healthy children. And our lost-baby girl is not lost, she is waiting for us in Heaven, in the glorious care of God.

April 2009 - Recovery. Slowly the broken-piece of my heart is mended, my stomach settles into the cavity in which it belongs, I breathe in air and wait for the next ride to begin.
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Charlie's umbrella

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"Brum-yella" "Princess brum-yella"

That's all, I just wanted to remember how she enunciated umbrella.
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Ethan's goodnight

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

First a story then a best I can remember Ethan's goodnight tonight

"Mom, I'm going to tell you a story"
"I fell into a hole, and I was all alone, no friends, no family - just me"
"And then I called for help"
"I called for Jesus, and he gave life"
"He helped me out of the hole"

"Dear God please send Jesus to be with me-Jesus name amen"

Sweet Ethan I love you!
---Thank you God, maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right. Please reveal yourself to my children, help me to open their eyes to YOU, and bless their lives that they may grow to be faithful to You and desire an authentic relationship with You--
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My husband...

ME Lately...
Verbally unexpressive


Thank you God for creating Jacob for me, and enriching my life with his spirit.
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It comes in times of complete joy, and in times of uncertainty.
It comes naturally without effort as a breath filling your lungs.
And yet it can be consciously forced,
A courteousy laugh or a sound in times of apprehension.

How have you laughed today?
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The first of many

Monday, April 27, 2009

My mind wheels...
On the outside the reflection I see is composed, confident and a little tired.
I am an adult, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a nurse, an auditor, a cook, and a homemaker.
On the inside I struggle to balance all my responsibilities. My tired emotions threaten to overcome me. I am restless. But drama will not reign...I am reminded that the battle is not mine, I am not in control - why do I wrestle when all I really need to do is surrender?
Phillipians 4:12b-13
" I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

- I asked E what he wanted to be when he grew up- his big brown eyes revealed intense thought but he simply replied "I don't want to be anything."
And that's okay for now.

- With sleepy eyes and through a binki C articulately told me "good night princess" as I tucked her in for nap today.
Princess for the day, I'll take it.
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