An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.


Friday, August 29, 2014

He threw out a life line
He reached out His hand
He drew me up out
And I began to breathe again

I didn't know I was drowning
Until I breathed in this new air
His hand outstretched
And my way now made clear

The walk with Him isn't always easy
But to His hand I hold tight
Because He drew me out
He gave me new life

So I give what I have
Admittedly not much
And He never lets go
Through doubt, insecurity, and feeling I'm not enough

He reached out for me
He drew me up out
I choose life with Him 
No matter what comes
Because He is my Life Line
My Savior 
My Lord

Linking up today with Kate Motanung 
the Five Minute Friday #writers at #fmfparty

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Suicide, Lies and Release

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Words penetrate deep and expectations pull like heavy weights
Until the measure of life is lost in distorted views of good enough
But she fears the disappointment more than the loss of her own life
And instead of speaking her pain
She swallows it 
Swallows the pain chased with pills
Whatever bottle or bottles, she can find
Because in that moment 
Her life is void
The high expectations, un-attained, have un-done her
Pulled her into the lie
That her value is found in goals met, boxes checked and reaching standards she didn't set
The sting of words burns so deep
That from the inside out she radiates the lying heat of words breathed
And she believes that she won't ever measure up
She believes that this world IS too much
That she's not good enough 
And that she's not worth it
Not worth the effort to love
Nor the space that her body fills
Not worth the air that stretches her lungs
Nor forgiving or hearing or trying 
And she believes the lie that she's alone
That even if she screamed her hurt
Let the tears pool 
No one would listen
No one would care
And so she swallows
Swallows the lies
And worn to empty, she concludes
That physical death is better 
Better than living under pressure 
Better than failing
And so she swallows

Because words hurt
And pills are accessible
But it's not the pills or the words that burn into soul
She feels alone because over and over she's swallowed the the lies that at sometime began to control
It's the same since the beginning
And the devil keeps smearing it
Because he, IS a liar, and he is good at it
He talks of God and leaves you questioning
Then he elevates you
And you begin to think,
Maybe - just maybe, you can take the place of HIM
     he makes the selfish seem normal and the self-less harmful
     he makes opinions matter more than the love of your Heavenly Father
     he spits lies but they come out looking like magazine covers, and best selling albums
     he deceives with his tongue and torments with his power

I know because I lived it once
Believed it once
Was afraid to be found out once
But that devil snake, his power ends when the name of Jesus is spoken
Who radiates God's glory
Is the exact imprint of God's nature
And who holds up the universe with spoken word
Who left the glory and perfection of heaven
Putting on human skin
To walk among us, understand us, experience us,
Know us
Know our hurts and burdens and struggles and normalcy
Who walked in humility, and grace and mercy
Who traded his perfection
For sin's punishment
Dying; human skin ripped from flesh, lungs stinging with the need for air, blood spilled down a cross
I was meant to bear
Who pursues our hearts
And knows them
Who breathes truth into the doubting mind
And pours living water into the thirsty soul
Who shines light through the haze
And illuminates the way
Who came to redeem
And calls your his brother
Who knows your name
And calls you his sister
Who came to disprove every lie
And smash the head of the serpent
Who didn't stay in the grave
Giving hope for the future

So I whisper a prayer, over all the dark and delusions
And ask that my tongue be an instrument used to encourage
I live openly a failure
Redeemed for a purpose
Messy and imperfect
But covered in grace
Trusting his perfection
And power
When I call on His name

Linking up today with Meredith Bernard and tweeting #woman2woman
And the wonderful Holley Gerth at Coffee For Your Heart

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Homesick at (in)

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

There is a community that exists to encourage and inspire, a place where writers of honesty, love, sacrifice, failure, wisdom, and life meet to share - so you know you're not alone.
Because you're not.
And today this community, that has blessed my life, is allowing me to share.
My words, this text, will be popping up in inboxes and floating through cyber space
Please join me and be encouraged at (in)
Today I'm sharing about how it's easy to feel empty in the middle of busy, and how homesick is a feeling I'm hoping for.


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How to be changed for the better -

Friday, August 22, 2014

I've been pondering this word
And how time does
It changes me
Or is it I change with the passing
Each moment
Full or empty
Intentional or lacking in the routine and self-absorption
We do
In time - Change

And I think of how when faced with a need to change -to not send our kids back to their public school
How choices change
Choices made, or avoided
They alter
And how this choice made in faith
Not ready
Unknowing how much homeschool would teach me
Mold me
And reform me
Help me to see how thin I was living my life
How busy, busy with good things, but wrong things
How detached I was from the two I had been given
Because that was normal
And I didn't know what I was missing
This is NOT to say everyone should homeschool - it is to say that God needed me to
And when I was faithful to choose change
He changed me
His best, though stretching and above my sight of understand, was realized
In the courage to change

How is time and choice changing you?

For the love of hard change, and the courage to make it so,

Find more inspiration to be hidden and changed in the place
you are now here at
Linking up today with my friends and sisters at Five Minute Friday 

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Truth and Humility in the Trader Joe's Coffee Isle

Friday, August 15, 2014

Today was a normal day
I was imperfect
My kids were imperfect
I walked around Target and Trader Joe's with a sucker stick stuck to my behind
Because it was in the seat of my car
Because the kids put it there 
On purpose
To be funny
Thank you kind, discrete perfect stranger in the TJ's coffee isle 
Thank you for letting me know I had something that looked like a tiny tail glued to the back of my maxi skirt
Thank you for smiling shyly
Thank you for withholding judgment as I peeled the orange stickiness off my backside and placed the stick-remains into my purse

It's okay for you to laugh 
It took me sometime to get to the point of laughter 
But I'm there...

Laughing at myself
Thinking I'm fooling the world with my tamed curls, in my skirt that makes me appear put together but feels like sweat pants
Laughing at myself
Thinking I'm winning mom of the day awards in the minds of complete strangers as I gracefully reign in the spirits of my two kids 
Laughing at myself
Because I am fooling no one but myself.

Truth is, my "I've got this"attitude needed a little humbling
I don't have it all together
I am just a regular mom, with regular kids
Who needs an extraordinary God 
Because "I don't got this"
Moment by moment, 
I am reminded how much I need something, someone, who is so much MORE than me
And moment by moment
This extraordinary God, who doesn't need me, but desperately loves me
Gives me more grace, and displays His power perfectly in my weakness

In. My. Weakness.
Today I set out to mask my weakness
I set out to win the approval of strangers
I walked into the store brave faced, committed to the got-it-together good-girl show 
And He used a sticky, orange, spit out, used up lollipop handle
To remind me 
I'm weak
And it's okay
Because we all are
We are, but He's not
He used that embarrassing moment 
To remind me
It's not the approval of strangers I'm living for
I don't need to look like a good mom
I just need to give my best at being their mom
I don't need to appear put together
I simply need to allow Him to hold me together
I don't need to justify home schooling, or how I socialize my kids, or why we're at TJ's at 2pm
I only need to be faithful to the calling to do it
I don't need to be good
I need to rest in His goodness
I don't need to mask the real me
I unreservedly need to TELL myself the truth

And every once and a while - you just need a really good laugh!


Linking up tonight with Katie Motaung and the Five Minute Friday ladies 
On Twitter at the #fmfparty group
Tonight's prompt TELL

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Good Enough Mom - An Open Letter To All Moms

Monday, August 11, 2014

This is for the Moms
The one that carries, the one that carried and lost,
The one that's raising, the one that's raised and let go
For the one that adopted and the one that birthed
For the one that's always there
For the one that had to said goodbye
For the under-appreciated, tired, job never done but ever demanding
Hard working, loving Mom.

Thank You

Thank you for the expected
For packing snacks, changing diapers, wiping noses and behinds
For peanutbutter lollipops and PB&J's
For cut up fruit, cups filled up, clean dishes and toilet seats
For loving the second the same as the first
For tying shoes, buying groceries, battling stains and dusting shelves
For losing sleep and listening to make believe
For holding hands and whole bodies
For cold rags to foreheads, 7-up, saltines and making us feel better
For wiping tears and applying un-needed baind-aids

Thank you for the time
For rocking tired bodies to sleep, and watching Sesame Street
For capturing moments on video and snapping photos
For singing songs, and reading stories
For sitting and for waiting
For painting nails, cutting hair, twisting braids, and dying strands
For warming bottles and spooning bites
For being our chauffeur and biggest fan
For trips to the ER, and imaginary ones to the moon
For patience and worrying
For listening and music
For buying us pencils, and back packs and five thousand glue sticks
For helping us learn
And for all the times when you didn't know how to help
For growing us, feeding us, cleaning us, keeping us, catching us and letting us go

Thank you for the example
For putting on a swim suit and swimming
For jumping on the trampoline
For praying and reading and listening
For crying
And being real
And kind
And honest
And imperfect, though I never noticed
Thank you
For building lego sets, blowing up green army men, playing barbies, go-fish, war and monopoly
Thank you
For working
For juggling
For serving
For balancing
For trying

Thank you for the lessons
For wooden spoons and noses stuck in corners
For soapy mouths and boundaries and rules
And curse words
And not cursing
Thank you
For saying no
And knowing when to say yes
Thank you
For loving dad
Respecting him and respecting your parents
Thank you
For letting us fail and loving us the same

Thank you for persevering and for praying
Thank you for the imperfections
Thank you for the praise and forgiveness
Thank you for the raising and the letting go
For the way you love us still
Thank you for coffee dates and shopping trips
For handwritten notes and gas money
For flowers on Valentine's Day and birthday cake
Thank you
For the way you now love the children that make you grand

Because I didn't appreciate you the way you deserved then
In the middle of needing you
Draining you
Demanding of you
The same way they can't appreciate me now

Breathe in these words
Let them saturate your tired body, doubting mind, and weak will
You're loved
You're appreciated
You matter
You are good enough
You are the perfect mom.
Perfect for the ones you have and the for ones you lost,
Perfect for the ones you're yet to have and for the one's you've let go...

For the Love of being a Mom, Having a Mom and growing to understand what this name and this job means,

Linking up with Meredith Bernard @4hisgloryblog
Tackling the real issues #woman2woman

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