Suicide, Lies and Release

Words penetrate deep and expectations pull like heavy weights

Until the measure of life is lost in distorted views of good enough

But she fears the disappointment more than the loss of her own life

And instead of speaking her pain

She swallows it 

Swallows the pain chased with pills

Whatever bottle or bottles, she can find

Because in that moment 

Her life is void

The high expectations, un-attained, have un-done her

Pulled her into the lie

That
She
Is
Worthless

That her value is found in goals met, boxes checked and reaching standards she didn't set

The sting of words burns so deep

That from the inside out she radiates the lying heat of words breathed

And she believes that she won't ever measure up

She believes that this world IS too much

That she's not good enough 

And that she's not worth it

Not worth the effort to love

Nor the space that her body fills

Not worth the air that stretches her lungs

Nor forgiving or hearing or trying 

And she believes the lie that she's alone

That even if she screamed her hurt

Let the tears pool 

No one would listen

No one would care

And so she swallows

Swallows the lies

And worn to empty, she concludes

That physical death is better 

Better than living under pressure 

Better than failing

And so she swallows

Because words hurt
And pills are accessible
But it's not the pills or the words that burn into soul
She feels alone because over and over she's swallowed the the lies that at sometime began to control
It's the same since the beginning
And the devil keeps smearing it
Because he, IS a liar, and he is good at it
He talks of God and leaves you questioning
Then he elevates you
And you begin to think,
Maybe - just maybe, you can take the place of HIM
     he makes the selfish seem normal and the self-less harmful
     he makes opinions matter more than the love of your Heavenly Father
     he spits lies but they come out looking like magazine covers, and best selling albums
     he deceives with his tongue and torments with his power

I know because I lived it once

Believed it once
Was afraid to be found out once
But that devil snake, his power ends when the name of Jesus is spoken
Jesus
Who radiates God's glory
Is the exact imprint of God's nature
And who holds up the universe with spoken word
Jesus
Who left the glory and perfection of heaven
Putting on human skin
To walk among us, understand us, experience us,
Know us
Know our hurts and burdens and struggles and normalcy
Jesus
Who walked in humility, and grace and mercy
Jesus
Who traded his perfection
For sin's punishment
Dying; human skin ripped from flesh, lungs stinging with the need for air, blood spilled down a cross
I was meant to bear
Jesus
Who pursues our hearts
And knows them
Jesus
Who breathes truth into the doubting mind
And pours living water into the thirsty soul
Jesus
Who shines light through the haze
And illuminates the way
Jesus
Who came to redeem
And calls your his brother
Jesus
Who knows your name
And calls you his sister
Jesus
Who came to disprove every lie
And smash the head of the serpent
Jesus
Who didn't stay in the grave
Giving hope for the future

So I whisper a prayer, over all the dark and delusions
And ask that my tongue be an instrument used to encourage
I live openly a failure
Redeemed for a purpose
Messy and imperfect
But covered in grace
Trusting his perfection
And power
When I call on His name

Linking up today with Meredith Bernard and tweeting #woman2woman

And the wonderful Holley Gerth at Coffee For Your Heart