“There’s everybody else, then there’s you.”

This is my favorite card of all time. 

It’s from my mother-in-law.  

Displayed prominently between the nickel and dime jar on our bookshelves it sits as a constant reminder that it is a great thing to be me.

Sometimes I see the grey, the tangles, the failures and the faults

Sometimes I compare

Sometimes I forget that I’m the only me, on purpose, for a purpose

Sometimes I forget I’m a rainbow.

Incase you needed to hear it today - You are a rainbow. 

It is a great thing to be you.

See the color, the creativity, the strength, the uniqueness.

Don’t waste time comparing, and be kind to yourself.

Because there’s everybody else, then there’s you.

The only you, on purpose, for a purpose.

A Mom's Promises on Mother's Day

Today a mamma woke up without her baby girl

She was wearing smiley face socks and driving too fast

Now she’s gone

The world doesn’t make sense a lot of the time

My darling children, I would make sense of it all for you if I could

If only I could

This year we’ve lived together, at times, hasn’t made much sense

Here’s what I know

I love being you mom

Good times, Hard times, Sad times, and Everything in-between times

Growth happens when we push through hard times

Growing doesn’t always feel good

God is good even when life isn’t

Problems don’t get better when ignored

Facing problems requires humility

Humble people make the best humans

Secrets are dangerous

Unless the secret is a present, presents are the opposite of dangerous

However if the present is a crocodile that IS dangerous, don’t give a crocodile as a gift

Give thoughtful presents over costly ones - always

Words, Time, Presence

The ability to love isn’t based on the actions of another, but on your willingness to give and forgive even when love isn’t deserved

That’s how God loves us

With a bigger love than we deserve even when we don’t love Him back

I hope you always choose to love Him

Seatbelts save lives,

Wear your seat belt, Wear socks that make you happy (even if they don’t match)

Follow the speed limit signs

Sometimes we get lost

We get lost inside ourselves, lost in circumstance, lost in lies

Let truth guide you and pull you out of yourself, your circumstance and confusion

Being lost will give way to being found

Worry is normal

You may worry about grades, about what to wear, about what others think, about tomorrow, about a great many things that are out of your control

Don’t let worry drive you

God’s knows and He’s got it all under control

Find perspective, pray, be thankful and choose peace

A kind word and a smile goes a long way

Smile often, make eye contact, be honest and speak kindly

Listen more than you speak

Doubt happens

We doubt ourselves, and our God

Don’t let your doubt determine who you are or who you believe God to be

Ask questions but don’t wallow in the place of questioning, God never changes

Different is God’s design for the world

You are the only you, created with talents, and skills unlike any other

These are for you to use, not to squander in selfishness or bury in fear

Use them for the glory of the One who made you, for the relief and refreshment of a world in need, and for the betterment of others

Be the different you were created to be

Life happens in seasons

Seasons of doubt, of joy, of heartache, of trial, of loss, of security, of ease, of regret, of forgiveness and of renewal

Embrace them all, for they will all shape you into you

You are stronger than you think

Be resilient, be affected but don’t allow the weight of trial to break you

And when you’re not strong enough let God be your strength

He will

So on this mother’s day

I promise to never stop growing

And to trust God’s goodness when life isn’t good.

I promise to name and face problems

And grow in humility.

I promise to give you words, time, and presence

But, never a crocodile.

I promise to love you no matter what

And to love God too.

I promise to buy you whatever socks make you happy, always wear my seatbelt,

And to drive the speed limit.

I promise to look for you, to love you (lost or found)

And to always tell you the truth.

I promise to worry as little as humanly possible about you

And to trust that God is in control.

I promise to smile, to look into your eyes, to speak words of kindness

And to listen more than I lecture.

I promise to share my doubt

But not let it determine who I know God to be.

I promise to embrace my different for God’s glory

And to encourage you to do the same.

I promise to hold every season with a sense of awe

And to let you grow into who you’re meant to be.

I promise to be strong: strong for you, for me, for the unknown

And rely on God’s strength.

So, though I can not change the world to make it make sense for you

May I always point you to the One who will get you through.

You are amazing, you are strong, you are beautiful and I am so grateful to get to be your Mom.

Keep Calm and MOM ON

To all the Mom's 

Sacrifice comes easy at first, it starts with your body and then it's your sleep - until you realize it's all of you - they get.  

Good days and bad, they get you.  

They get your tired, Your enduring 

Your patience, and lack of it

They get your selfish, Your loving

Your dreams, and your learning 

Because we are continually learning; with them, about them, and how to be for us and for them.

They get your reprimands - because they need them, No they deserve them. 

Your messy hair, and your habits

They get to watch you love their daddy, witness your mess-ups, your giving, and forgiving. 

They get your apologies too because mommies aren't perfect

Love wells up from some unknown, God preserved place and prayers encompass all the deficit 

And you get to play pretend again 

So play and imagine with them what they'll be when they grow up

Read to them, inspire them, encourage them, challenge them

But most of all love them, and cherish every second that you get to call them yours

Because someday this job of being their mom as we know it right now will be done 

Being a Mom is a world changing calling

Little people grown into big ones 

No matter the age we're raising, we are raising adults

The world will be changed because of us, the questions that remains now is how?
So love to all the Mom's changing diapers, attitudes and the world.
You are amazing.

And a special shout out and thanks to mine, for being exactly the one I needed, and need still.

Against all hope: Faith & Purpose not Perfection

Today I faced my humanity, my doubt and my sinful nature

Today I saw the face of God and in His reflection how small I am

Small, but not insignificant

Small, but purposed

Purposed for perhaps even more than I can know or imagine

And, so are you

It’s faith that gives us hope, faith that strengthens us, purposes us and faith that ultimately saves us from ourselves

“Against all hope, in hope Abraham believed...without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead...YET He did not waiver regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.  Being fully persuaded God had power to do what He promised.” - Romans 4:18-21

And so I asked myself the questions:

• What do I need to believe against all hope?
• What facts do I need to face?

The answers are these:

I will NOT be disappointed, for my hope is in the LORD (Isaiah 49:23)

GOD will save the kids He put in my care (Isaiah 49:25)

And

I am NOT in control.  I can not save you, and I can not save myself.

I will never be perfect

My body aches and my heart hurts.  Emotionally I am overwhelmed, I question every decision, every word, every yes and every no.

Today I faced my humanity, my lacking, and the unqualified nature of my role as mom

I wrestle for control when it’s not mine for the holding

I can not perceive the future, but I believe in a God who can

God, Who covers my humanity with His mercy

God, Who permeates my lacking with His abundance

God, Who qualifies me, just as I am with His grace

And so it’s not perfection that is the goal, but purpose

Hopeful, faith driven purpose

Not disillusioned about who we are

Rather fully aware, moved by a faith that is bigger than our fear and uncertainty

God thank you for being bigger than me, for making a 100 year old man a father, for making water flow in the desert, for fighting our battles, and for redeeming our souls.  You are a God who keeps His promises.  You are powerful.  You are enough.  I trust You.  Forgive my wavering, strengthen my faith for I am weak.  I hope in you.  Let me be about your purpose.  Guide me as I teach and lead and work and wife.  Thank you for my rock of a husband, and for the joy and peace that has been today. You have never expected perfection of me, help me to quit expecting it of myself.

In this season of hope, what is it you need to believe against all hope?

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

When Life's not what You had Planned, The Unseen Journey

I've been on a silent journey
For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you

I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you

Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you

You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains

The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth

But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)

I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty

She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same

There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same

God, 
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days, 
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them 
And change me because of them

It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living

I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

Your "okay" life...

It starts with believing that HE is real

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls

And in the beginning

He took pieces of himself and wove them into me, as He did with she

It was real in the garden

Unrelenting, naked relationship

Walking in honesty and sharing life

No hiding, no disguising 

And it was good.

But when Words got twisted and hearts became intrigued then deceived
She sought answers outside of her God-relationship, and pulled her man down with her

They decided that knowing God wasn't enough, being made in His image lacking
And it was not good

But, knowledge made them feel ashamed, instead of godly
This idea of being god made them afraid of God
Covering-up, they pointed fingers, placed blame and deceived even themselves

And the relationship was ruined

And so we live in the harsh in-between
Thorns, Rocks, Pain, Tears
Taking the roads well traveled
Separated from God
Being the god of our own life
And sometimes it's okay
But it's not good.

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls didn't want "okay" for your life
He didn't want you to be separate, hiding, or wandering wide roads
He wanted it to be good [again]

So He became a man; to understand us, live like us [except better] and save us
Jesus
Son of God
The Savior of our souls
Joy giver
Restorer of relationship
Peace maker
Sacrifice for our sins
Truth speaker
The only man to raise himself from the dead
Word writer
Death conqueror
Good - when I'm not good enough
Mediator and High Priest
Life giver

He laid it ALL down for us so we could lay down the burden of trying to be god
And asks us - do you want more than just okay?
Do you want relationship, peace, forgiveness, life, good?
I wanted less burden more life
So I made Him the King, declared He was my God
Laid down my all
And it is good.

We still have to live in this harsh in-between
It still hurts, it's still hard, I'm still not perfect
But the expanse is removed, the relationship is restored
And we can quit trying to be god and just know Him
He's good
We can stop hiding and blaming and disguising
And be who He made us to be
He called us very good
So we can take the road less traveled
And walk it with God
It's not easy - But it's good 

In the beginning God created, He made man in His own image, from the dust of the ground He formed him, and breathed the breath of life into his nostrils.  Male and female he created them. God saw all that He had made and it was very good.

- Genesis 1 & 2

Linking up today with Holley Gerth

@ Coffee for Your Heart

Meredith Bernard  and 

Kristin Hill Taylor @ Three Word Wednesday

7 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Vows

Before worse fell, and poorer was a reality,

Before babies stole our sleep, my waist line and our time

Before we knew what it meant to be held and to have

We made a promise 

Unknowing what keeping it would require

You my love are not perfect

And there are days I give you my worst because I'm not perfect either

But you have me, 

And with you I'm better

All the seemingly insignificant little life stuff adds up 

And you keep showing up

Holding me in your actions

Making me smile, opening doors, doing dishes, prioritizing us

I remember the first time sickness stole my decency

And it didn't phase you

You just wanted to make it better

I'm not a very good patient, but you are patient

I didn't understand the depth of love

How it gives, acts, and grows

And I'm learning how to cherish us,

In the quiet, in the dark, in the ordinary and uncertainty, in prayers whispered and dreams shared  

In the middle of tired and routine - How do we keep our promise?

1. Have; have fun, and have each other- at our best, at our worst and in bed

2. Hold hands, eye contact, and on to truth

3. Love with actions; plan date nights, get aways, and do dishes

4. Speak honestly; say what you mean, mean what you say and when it's not "fine" don't sit in silence 

5. Give selflessly; give time, kisses, and without expectation

6. Walk humbly; your needs and feelings above mine, my needs and feeling above yours

7. FORGIVE; most of all this - because no one is perfect

Linking up with the Five Minute Friday writers

Hosted by the lovely Kate Motaung

I'm not okay - and you don't have to be either...

I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting