An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

The day a bomb threat was a good thing

Friday, April 25, 2014

In tidy lines, of marching feet we pace from the building 
Whispers of bombs, panic in their eyes translated in their tone, 
Fearful or oblivious
We sit 
She's the one who asks if anyone prays
And I answer
Rolling rocks between our fingers, sitting on the curb we prayed 
Feeling His presence in her words and in the sun lighting our face
While we wait for the police to give the all-clear
And it is, it's all clear.
So, in neat rows we pace back to the plastic seats and wooden desks
Forever connected
Because she asked "if anyone prays"

Connected through bad perms and make-believe
Connected in time spent being kids, and being afraid of the slasher movie at the sleep-over
Connected in our pursuits of shared and opposite things
Connected in awkwardness, first love, heartache and true love
Connected through mistakes, in forgiveness and grace

It wasn't our frizzy permed hair, or our chalk families that lived in our Kleenex boxes
It wasn't trips to the park, or finding somewhere to hide out during the movie
It wasn't the way she cheered when I scored a basket, or sat beside me saxophone in hand
It wasn't double dates or seeing each other through boyfriends, and heartache
It wasn't that she introduced me to my husband
It was prayer
The honest, simple prayers of third grade girls that joined our hearts

And though she's now a world away
My heart is still connected to hers
It always will be
Because there was a bomb threat 
And she asked "if anyone prays."

Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday 
Five Minute Friday

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A Not So Good Friday

Friday, April 18, 2014

Today friends failed 
Today the government collapsed under pressure
Today a mother watched her son suffer
Today a student betrayed his teacher
Today a best friend lied
Today God's people denied the Messiah
Today a friend, a son, a teacher, a healer, a man named Jesus died
And we call it Good Friday

There is a hopelessness and void that comes with death
He was man, 
But He was not only man 
He was perfect
He was Savior
And His death was Satisfying
It was Good
Because He chose to endue it
He chose to give 
He chose to save
And He spoke a promise

...I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:22 

Today a payment was made fulfilling the penalty for sin
All sin
Today we remember how His good satisfies our deficiency
Today we claim a joy that can not be taken away
Today a thief was saved
Today a friend was forgiven
Today a Savior died
Because we needed saving

Today friends still fail
The government remains impaired
Mothers still watch their sons suffer
Students disregard instruction
Best friends hurt each other
And God's people are imperfect

Today we have hope 
Amidst our failures, 
Today we have redemption
In our pain and circumstances, 
Today we have truth
When encompassed by emotions,
And we have joy
Because He is our Savior
And that is good

Linking up with the friends at
Kate Motaung's place - Five Minute Friday

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When you need put back together

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Light is too bright and sounds resonate inside my head
Routine makes me weary
Normal takes unnecessary effort
And there is always more to do
I am not myself
Impatient healing

He brushes the hair from my eyes
Holding my cheeks he whispers the words
"you are the glue - always giving and putting others before yourself - you hold us together"
His hands melt into mine and I rest on his shoulder
In peaceful, life giving silence
I rest

But I don't feel like the glue
I am overwhelmed by the mountain of laundry
And dusty shelves
And deadlines that won't be met
And one more night of take-out leaves me feeling inadequate
How can I hold everyone together when I can't hold myself together

I need held
Here in my impatience, and inability
I need pasted and pieced together
And here on his shoulder feeling like not enough
The Spirit breathes into our silence Him all things hold together

So, for today I'm okay to be broken
Held together by a big God
Resting in His promises
Trusting His plan
Growing Patience
Learning to accept help
Thankful to be held

Colossians 1:17

One Word - Five Minutes - Wonderful Community - Lisa-Jo Baker
Five Minute Friday

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Lost in the colors of the sunset
Depth and light painted onto a canvas of grey and blue
Captured by the beauty of the living picture that morphs with the setting sun.
Yet this transforming composition, new every morning and night is not the greatest of His creation.
It is me.
And you.
Created with passion, immeasurable depth, potential, creativity, purpose, and love.
His greatest brush strokes found on the wall of our heart, and in the strands of our hair.
He calls us His masterpiece.
The world will strip away the artistry if we let it.
The lies whisper convincingly shading us with doubt
We even deceive ourselves - minimizing the true beauty He's painted within us
But His brush strokes can not be erased, His Word can not be destroyed.
We are His masterpiece
We are His greatest work
And His greatest love
If the world has stripped away His strokes - He will repair you
If the lies have made you doubt - He will reassure you
If you are deceived - He is faithful
He is an amazing artist
You are a masterpiece

Five Minute Friday
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"You Can't Wear Me Down"

It was just one of those days
Marked by excessive sighing, silent prayers and standing in the corner
To clarify I was not the one in the corner
Homeschool has been this incredible blessing and challenge, all at the same time
Wrapped neatly with a bow, tons of questions and doubts then gifted to me at a surprise party I never saw coming

There are these moments
Moments when I just want to teach math
Double-digit subtraction minus the character lesson

We all have instinctive actions, reactions, and characteristics
Most of them are neither beneficial or becoming
Today it was pride and stubbornness
Tomorrow...who knows?!

And most days I'm not sure if I'm getting it right
I can do double-digit subtraction - easy, it's everything else
Am I building them up enough
Being the example they need
Loving them in a language they understand
Molding them to see God's heart and His desire for them

All I know for sure is that my character still needs refining
And there in the middle of my need, my stubbornness, my pride
He is enough
His grace covers all that I am not
And His Spirit washes over my rough edges, and innate reactions

And so in the middle of math we dive into a lesson of self-subtraction
Choosing perseverance when giving up would be natural
Listening without plotting a rebuttal
Allowing yourself the opportunity to be wrong, and be okay with it
Because in failure, when things are hard, when we persevere, when we listen -
We learn, we grow, and we become more by loosing those pieces of our self

And so I reassure him, and me, with these words
"You can't wear me down" 
I will never be perfect or enough
I will make mistakes
But I will love you the best way I know how
And "I will never quit on you"

And from my own lips the Spirit echoed Gods heart for me...

"You can't wear Me down"
Not with your stubbornness, your pride, or your ignorant self-reliance
"I am here, I am patient, My love is perfect, My grace is enough and I will never quit on you"
Mercy for all that you lack, Grace for every mistake, Love for you - just as you are
"Persevere - Listen - Accept - Subtract"

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You Only Live Once

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Today I watched them

Run with determination
Enthusiastically sing
Dance - without reservation
Bravely try
Excitedly jump
Fall and get back up

Today I watched them

Today I watched
And realized
This thing I wanted, and expected since I can remember
I have it
I am a mom
I am their mom
Living in the middle of a dream
And I don't want to waste it
I can't waste it

They want to out run me
They want to dance with me
They want to sing with me
They want to climb with me
They want to try with me
They want me when they fall
And I get to help them back up


And it's now
Ready or not
In the middle of emotions and exhaustion,
Regardless of health or illness,
Independent of goodness or insufficiency

Today I watched them be kids

Today I was here
And Today
I played
I encouraged
I danced
I praised
I sang
I reassured
I ran
I cheered
I explored
I consoled
I climbed
I inspired
I jumped

Today, I soaked up this dream
This time
And them

It's a sad a truth that we often miss the moments that we're in
Outlining the next
Or regretting a moment past

Sometimes, I forget
Distracted by challenges and weariness
That this place I am
Is where I longed to be
And exactly where I am supposed to be
I forget to play
I forget to savor it
I forget to be grateful

But not today

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Worth > Dresses and Dances

Thursday, April 3, 2014

#TBT Prom 1999 and 2000 

To all of you thinking about Prom AND For those of you who went [or didn't] a life-time ago.

Stomach in knots, anticipation, expectation,
Awaiting the ask, or searching for the dress
Anxiety and Emotion
Reeling into self-examination
The eyes you love, the nose you don't, the image you parade, the uncertainty you hide
You; unique, beautiful, individual, awkward, cherished, unsure

You through the eyes of others is distorted
You through the eye of yourself untrustworthy
Tainted by comparison, and edited, photo-shopped "norms"
Marred with self-doubt, and the inability to see, really see

Your worth is not found in a dance ticket or the absence of one
Your value is not the price tag of your dress or the reflection in the mirror
Your significance is not in your fun personality or your honor-roll report card
Your merit is not in the whispers of the hallways or the insecurities in your head

Your worth is woven into your very being - by the hand of a loving Creator 
Your value is realized in His thoughts of you and His promises to you
Your significance found within His purpose, plan and desires
Your merit proven in the nail pierced hands and feet of His Son,
His Son - who chose to give up His life for Yours
Your Life
Just as you are
In the middle of your mess, awkwardness, insecurity, accomplishment, beauty, doubt, and misplaced worth
He came for you
He died for you

You have worth
There's NO addition able to make you more valuable,
And no action strong enough to strip away your significance
You are His treasure

You are worth pursuing
Worth His protection
You are worth knowing
Worth His love
You are worth waiting for
And HE is patient

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Falling Out Of Love

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

With him,
I felt more
Wanted more 
Was more
And yet 
I was, completely myself
Without a doubt I loved him

In a whirlwind of words
Distance didn't feel so far
Day slipped into night
Unknown became known 
In Laughter
In Dreams
In Hopes
In Love

But I waited for it to end
By insecurities and secrets
If he knew
He wouldn't want me

I was
My insides wrenched with guilt
But I didn't want to hide
Because I loved him

My heart a broken barrier
The words escaped
Hurt abandoned
Secrets unbound
Breath arrested
I waited for him to let me go

But he didn't
Instead "I forgive you" echoed in my ear
And salty tears washed away the overwhelming sense of unwant 

Still unworthy and imperfect
But covered in Grace
Covered in Love

It was then I fell out of love
With the idea of "love"
Love is not flowers, and chocolate
A fancy dress, heels and dinner
It is not lust or desire
It's self-less and accepting
It's forgiving, when forgiveness is least deserved
It's kind and humble
It's patient
It protects you, and it's worth protecting
Love it trustworthy and requires your trust
It's fills you with hope and it's hopeful
It's strong
And it perseveres 
Through secrets
Through sin
Through imperfection
Because LOVE - true love - never fails

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