Me vs. Me
A battle of self-control and reconditioning

I started Weight-Watchers, again
This starts week 4
2 years ago, to the day -
I became a lifetime member for meeting and maintaining my goal weight.
I was the mother of a 8month old and 2year old.
I was exercising 3 times a week regularly one to two hours at a time
I was working 4-times a month, auditing
I was betrayed, hurt by the one who is supposed to love me the most
Outwardly beautiful, toned and thin - I questioned why and I gave up
Inside self-esteem bruised and broken

Forgiveness
Healing
Time
Pregnancy
Miscarriage
Time
Healing

Today the mother of a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 year old
Exercising sporadically at best
Working 2-nights a week at the hospital, auditing 2 times a month
Supported and in love with the one who loves me the most on this earth
Trusting in the ONE who truly loves me the most
Outwardly striving to be healthy, and an example for my kids
Inside realizing self-esteem is much more than how I look

TRUTH - Food is for my survival and nutrition, nothing more
I have lost 6.7 pounds

Four

Dear son...

Today you are four
It doesn't seem very long ago we were vigilantly hovering over you
Watching and praying for you as you struggled for every breath
I could not hold you
I could not breathe for you, or fix your lungs
But the hand of the Great Physician could
I was challenged to trust and give you to Him
HE is the great healer!
Pure joy as we brought you home
You have grown into a sweet-spirited, independent little boy and we are very proud of you.
You are your sister's best-friend and worst enemy
My snuggler, Daddy's wrestler and track buddy

You have taught me...
God's love as a Heavenly father
The joy and wonder of dirt, sand, leaves, trees, clouds and sunshine
Patience
Physical pain can be endured
Struggle can be overcome
Some books can be read over and over without any loss of enjoyment
How to teach
How my mom felt
Money is not important when compared to time with you, daddy and Charlie
Discipline is hard

I'm not sure what the future holds for us, for you -

I am sure of this...
I want you to know God
I want you to be safe
I want you to know I love you
I am not perfect
I am proud of you
I am your mom, no matter how big you get and I am blessed because of you.




Some stories I want to remember from this year...

All dressed up for church you began to fret
"Mommy I don't want to go to class" you cried, tears welling up in your beautiful brown eyes.
"What about church makes you sad, Ethan" I asked as I hugged you
Your answer - "being away from you mommy"
And I hugged you tighter and I reminded you why we go to church.
You cried again when I dropped you off, but you were smiling when I picked you up.
You've been saying for a while - "when I'm four I'm not going to cry anymore at church or school."
--You're such a sweetheart and We shall see if your condition for your self sticks...


KCPL's Sid The Science Kid, has been one of your favorite shows
And you really retain what you learn...
You drew a picture for daddy and when he got home you explained the drawing
"Dad, this is a pulley - it's a simple machine"
"You can use it for pulling heavy stuff up to your tree-house"
--You're amazing


You uninvited and re-invited uncle Josh to your birthday party about 10 times this year
You were afraid he would break your bouncy house, but the final invitation was given with the condition attached : "He bring you a present, and promise not to eat your cake or break the bouncy house"
--You're funny


You and Charlie have been playing "Spiderman and Super-Girl" almost daily for the last month. You have pretend costumes you put on and take off. All bad-guys go to jail and have to say sorry and promise they will be nice before you let them out. Sometimes I get to be a good guy with you, sometime you chase me down and I get locked in jail.
--You do an excellent job saving the world at our house.

Playlist

I turn the key, and the car engine hums
My hand reaches to turn on my playlist and
PAUSE
Listen to the quiet around me, look at the detail of the trees
Take in the clouds and the wonder of a rain-drop as it drips onto the windshield
FEEL
Turn on KLove Instead (97.3)
HEAR
God's Playlist for me...
"all I need I found, finally, at the end of me"
"How great is our God"
David Crowder's "How He Loves"
And I cried as I worshiped
TRUTH
Again, it's not about me....it's about living to bring glory to God
And on this day, when I'm stressed about flying, tormented and wrestling with what I'm supposed to do, how work fits into my life
PEACE
I am His,
Held in His hands and made for His purpose
I have been given the blessing of two children to teach and bring up to know Him
VISION
The smiling face of my 4-year old birthday boy, eagerly awaiting my return home
The sweet sound of "mmmmm-waaah" as beautiful Charlie kisses me goodbye
A cluttered dinning room table...Cinnamon pancakes, a happy birthday plate, eggs and bacon, markers, drawing tablets, Chutes & Ladders
The husband who took my face in his hands and kissed me goodbye, the same man who lovingly clasped his hands in mine and prayed over me last night.
CIRCUMSTANCES
Thunderstorms all across the mid-west
A delayed flight and opportunity to cancel my audit and reschedule for another day
Driving home with such joy
Rain falling all around me like the blessings of my life