Though their resting place is far
The stars pierce into the empty black
Guiding the moon into its place and the sun to rest
He dusted the stars into the void with only a breath
And though he could have emptied the world of all darkness
He chose instead to tolerate the shadow cast, and allowed it to remain
Maybe it's because without the dark we could not understand the light
Maybe it's to show us we always have the freedom to choose - for what is now darkness was once light, the most beautiful and bright, yet to be the most was not enough

That's what darkness does - it sucks the light out, it casts shadows over what is good and makes the most not enough
It lies and undermines the creator
It tricks and twists and steals the joy of enough away

Though the darkness remains, it will not always
But the light will always, was always and is always
It never fades or changes:
When we struggle to see, it's there
When we can't feel it's warm it is from within that it warms

So dance the sun down and thrive in the light of the stars
Watch the light remain, be restored in its glow
See clearly that the creator made you with the same star breath, Hear how deeply He loves you and Feel the warmth of His light
He calls you good and your enough is exactly what He meant for it to be
Shine for all to see because in you is His light and the darkness can not stand against the eternity within you

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

When Life's not what You had Planned, The Unseen Journey

I've been on a silent journey
For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you

I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you

Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you

You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains

The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth

But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)

I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty

She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same

There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same

God, 
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days, 
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them 
And change me because of them

It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living

I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you

Grace Isn't a Second Chance

On each line write a name

You pick which name goes where

One line gets the name Jesus

The other yours

Me...

I make mistakes everyday

I get irritated instead of being gracious

I rush when I need to be patient

I plan instead of praying

I take love for granted

I put ME first

 That's not to say I don't try, 

Everyday I try

Try to be kind, and better, and self-less, and patient

I know I'll never be enough on my own

But still I try

Because isn't grace a second chance

A chance to do it different?

To do it right?

But this...

2 Corinthians 5:21 - God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Me? -The righteousness of God 

Me? -Living IN Him

Grace isn't a second chance to try harder

It's everything

Because Jesus became what I was

Sin

And took what I deserved

Death

To give me what I couldn't earn

LIFE

Grace is breath, and blood, and heart, and soul

Filling, moving, sparking

Grace is the power, purpose, and personality of Christ living inside of me

Grace is the banner over our life 

Because sin is finished

And I don't have to try

Romans 11:6 - ...it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.

I just need to surrender

And LIVE in His grace

It's not a second chance

It's my everything - everyday

*Inspired by several lessons and conversations

with a couple of really solid Youth Pastors

Driving Up a One Way Street

When in a rush, one might think of rolling through the stop sign
But the ONE WAY?
Purposefully driving into head-on traffic?
I've done it accidentally
Once, while downtown, covering the length of a block,
Thankfully, not meeting a single car

The signs are rules.
Rules
To keep us safe
Prevent chaos
Give order
Show direction

And we obey them
Without thinking
We stop
We follow the marked way
We choose the rules

But there is this movement
Even among "Christians" - against rules

Because
"The Bible wouldn't be written the same if it was written today"
Because
"It's a relationship not a religion"
Because
"The God, I know would never..."
Fill in the blank
Because
"Whatever works for you is okay for you"

We don't hesitate to stop at the stop sign
But we question if we really need to go to church
If homosexuality is still a sin
If our actions matter as much as our "belief"
If the God who gives us grace truly desires for us to live by a set of standards
If Jesus is really the only way to heaven

If we believed in the stop sign - we trusted that it was good and had a purpose
But didn't choose to stop
We would crash

And that's what we do with our belief in Jesus
We wreck it
With selfish worship
Self-proclaimed truth
Loveless actions
Careless words
And idolatry

Our God is unchanging,
And His Word fixed
Imperishable
Persevering Truth
Applicable - Emotional - Alive - A Shield - And A Sword
For all generations

It is a relationship
Rooted in love, faith, and trust
Love that drives action
Faith that forces transformation
Trust that His promises are worth our alienation
Because we love Him that much - there isn't another option
We choose to Submit - We choose to Obey
Because belief isn't enough

It's a relationship that is covered in His grace
Because
"I'm not enough"
He IS
Because
"I can't -- even when I try with all of me"
With HIM all things are possible"
Because
"I don't understand"
His ways are higher - His thoughts are higher

I don't pretend to fully know God
The comprehension of Him is beyond me
His Love
His Justice
His Power
His Mercy
His Anger
His Patience
His Goodness
His Holiness
Infinitely more than my mind can grasp
But I trust Him to be who He Says He IS
And not mold Him into something modest and small that I can understand

Whatever works for you isn't okay
Unless It's Jesus
"I am the way and the truth and the life.  NO ONE comes to the Father except through me."
John 14:6

It was controversial when He said it
It's still controversial today
But it's worth loosing everything for
This grace covered ONE WAY life
These grace covered rules
Keeping us safe
Preventing chaos
Teaching us
Making us complete
And leading us in the ONE WAY that matters
For eternity

These are the [homeschool] lessons I didn't plan

Time
The kind you can't measure with hands on a clock
This time is measured in heart beats and moments
Building an impromptu scale-model of Noah's ark
Laughing together, and at ourselves
Drinking hot tea in the afternoon
Sharing tears and a long hug after eight minutes spent in the corner
Watching him grow to care about her
Watching them become friends
Playing in the rain
Sitting with the sun on our faces doing math or art or just sitting
Realizing I need to be still, and present, and here
Here
For the question I would have missed - but didn't

Arithmetic
The kind you can't make perfect sense of or memorize
This addition is life - relationships, joy and trust
This subtraction is self and all the good things that weren't right things
Because this year was going to be about ME - rest, writing, going to the gym, serving
And then it wasn't
It wasn't about me at all, but about the subtraction of me
Stripping away my ideas, and my plans - replacing them with right ones
Being faithful
Capturing joy
Learning to ask for help
Finding community and being intentional
Trusting
Living authentically - Sharing the best in each other, forgiving the worst
Being faithful with His plan
His timing
His kids

I am certain this is His plan, and what He wants of me, of us
The echos of my pleas resounds in my memory
My defiance, bargaining and uncertainty
Contrasted by His answer, His patience, His faithfulness and His goodness

All these lessons I didn't plan
He planned for me
I am learning
How to be faithful, and joyful, and need Him
How to cherish them
How to embrace the ways they are like me and the ways they are distinct
His quiet determination and concrete deep thinking
Her bold self-confidence and imagination
Learning that's it's okay they see me tired, and messy and real
And
It's okay I need their forgiveness
It's okay for me to need
And to learn
Because
Time, doesn't pause
Second by second, day ticks away into night
And every night into a new day
Until the days blur together and the time is gone
A temporary now
Yet, the more I subtract myself the more I find myself in Him
Real, Renewed, Needing Him
But unexplainably fulfilled
Joy in faithfulness and shepherding and unplanned homeschooling
Hopeful for an eternal someday
Where I won't be a mess,
But where we will still be together
Just better
Understanding each other's hearts
And sharing His

And for now...I get to teach them

"You Can't Wear Me Down"

It was just one of those days
Marked by excessive sighing, silent prayers and standing in the corner
To clarify I was not the one in the corner
Homeschool has been this incredible blessing and challenge, all at the same time
Wrapped neatly with a bow, tons of questions and doubts then gifted to me at a surprise party I never saw coming

There are these moments
Moments when I just want to teach math
Double-digit subtraction minus the character lesson

We all have instinctive actions, reactions, and characteristics
Most of them are neither beneficial or becoming
Today it was pride and stubbornness
Tomorrow...who knows?!

And most days I'm not sure if I'm getting it right
I can do double-digit subtraction - easy, it's everything else
Am I building them up enough
Being the example they need
Loving them in a language they understand
Molding them to see God's heart and His desire for them

All I know for sure is that my character still needs refining

And there in the middle of my need, my stubbornness, my pride

He is enough

His grace covers all that I am not

And His Spirit washes over my rough edges, and innate reactions

And so in the middle of math we dive into a lesson of self-subtraction
Choosing perseverance when giving up would be natural
Listening without plotting a rebuttal
Allowing yourself the opportunity to be wrong, and be okay with it
Because in failure, when things are hard, when we persevere, when we listen -
We learn, we grow, and we become more by loosing those pieces of our self

And so I reassure him, and me, with these words

"You can't wear me down" 

I will never be perfect or enough

I will make mistakes

But I will love you the best way I know how

And "I will never quit on you"

And from my own lips the Spirit echoed Gods heart for me...

"You can't wear Me down"
Not with your stubbornness, your pride, or your ignorant self-reliance
"I am here, I am patient, My love is perfect, My grace is enough and I will never quit on you"
Mercy for all that you lack, Grace for every mistake, Love for you - just as you are
"Persevere - Listen - Accept - Subtract"

Worth > Dresses and Dances

#TBT Prom 1999 and 2000 

To all of you thinking about Prom AND For those of you who went [or didn't] a life-time ago.

Stomach in knots, anticipation, expectation,
Awaiting the ask, or searching for the dress
Anxiety and Emotion
Reeling into self-examination
The eyes you love, the nose you don't, the image you parade, the uncertainty you hide
You; unique, beautiful, individual, awkward, cherished, unsure
You

You through the eyes of others is distorted
You through the eye of yourself untrustworthy
Tainted by comparison, and edited, photo-shopped "norms"
Marred with self-doubt, and the inability to see, really see

Your worth is not found in a dance ticket or the absence of one
Your value is not the price tag of your dress or the reflection in the mirror
Your significance is not in your fun personality or your honor-roll report card
Your merit is not in the whispers of the hallways or the insecurities in your head

Your worth is woven into your very being - by the hand of a loving Creator 
Your value is realized in His thoughts of you and His promises to you
Your significance found within His purpose, plan and desires
Your merit proven in the nail pierced hands and feet of His Son,
His Son - who chose to give up His life for Yours
Your Life
You
Just as you are
In the middle of your mess, awkwardness, insecurity, accomplishment, beauty, doubt, and misplaced worth
He came for you
He died for you

Because
You have worth
There's NO addition able to make you more valuable,
And no action strong enough to strip away your significance
You are His treasure

You are worth pursuing
Worth His protection
You are worth knowing
Worth His love
You are worth waiting for
And HE is patient

Falling Out Of Love

With him,

I felt more

Wanted more 

Was more

And yet 

I was, completely myself

Without a doubt I loved him

In a whirlwind of words

Distance didn't feel so far

Day slipped into night

Unknown became known 

In Laughter

In Dreams

In Hopes

In Love

But I waited for it to end

Gripped

Bound

Chained 

By insecurities and secrets

Because 

If he knew

He wouldn't want me

I was

Unworthy 

Imperfect

Disgraceful

My insides wrenched with guilt

But I didn't want to hide

Because I loved him

My heart a broken barrier

The words escaped

Hurt abandoned

Secrets unbound

Breath arrested

I waited for him to let me go

But he didn't

Instead "I forgive you" echoed in my ear

And salty tears washed away the overwhelming sense of unwant 

Unchained

Forgiven

Still unworthy and imperfect

But covered in Grace

Covered in Love

It was then I fell out of love

With the idea of "love"

Love is not flowers, and chocolate

A fancy dress, heels and dinner

It is not lust or desire

It's self-less and accepting

It's forgiving, when forgiveness is least deserved

It's kind and humble

It's patient

It protects you, and it's worth protecting

Love it trustworthy and requires your trust

It's fills you with hope and it's hopeful

It's strong

And it perseveres 

Through secrets

Through sin

Through imperfection

Because LOVE - true love - never fails

Mean Mom

The peace of morning is saturating
Deep breaths fill the quiet
The sun lights my shoulder and casts shadow over the Word as I read
And then they get up

I love them more than I ever imagined possible
They're unique
They make me laugh
They force me to think
And they wear me down
Irritating noises
Quarrels
Disrespect

It's the little things that strip away at the peace, the joy
Swallowing the bickering
While addressing the unkind word
And sly punch on the shoulder
Pressing down the disappointment in their disrespect
While requesting quiet, refocus, forgiveness

Until there is no more room for swallowing
Filled to overflowing and ready to burst from pressing it down day after day
And I'm no longer gentle, or in control
I'm a mess of my own emotions
And too often yelling

I don't want to be the mom who yells

He is a fortress, quiet, and brooding at times
He doesn't break
Not that I want him too
But sometimes the realization that I'm getting through would be nice
Arms crossed and face hardened, he's good at rationalizing, excusing, blaming
Aren't we all
But in a rare moment of exposure
I realize how shallow my perception
For beneath the crossed arms is a heart bleeding with the realization of inadequacy
And his hardened face hides the harsh self-judgement contained in his mind
He is harder on himself than I will ever be

And in that moment I know what he needs
Grace

So, I hold his weeping body and he lets me
I kiss his hair, as the tears roll down my cheeks, and breathe out a prayer
A prayer for peace
A prayer that speaks truth
A prayer that claims promises for his life
A prayer that builds him up
A prayer that asks for forgiveness
A prayer that is his lullaby

I don't want to be the mom who yells

I want to be the mom who prays
The mom who sees what they need

I know I can't save them
I can't make them love each other

But I can pray

And so I will...

Being a Parent is Hard

There are nine months of growing pains
And though it's often unrealized in the moment
The uncontrollable changes to your body are just the beginning
The governance you perceived to have
Bends to the realization that you are not in control 

Then they're born 
Or sometimes they're not

And, we fight for control
Because our ideals our dreams are all we've ever tried to see
We wrestle with our sufficiency
We question why
We doubt our dream that once glistened
Now drowned in diapers, and fatigue
Or an empty crib
And our reality is rocked,
Because it's not all that we imagined
Or maybe it is - and so we hold our breath

Then they grow
Or time wanes your emotion from their absence

And still we fight
To protect, and love, and discipline, and inspire, and guide, and encourage
But they need more from us than we can give
And they have their own will
And so
We wrestle
We wrestle with them and with our inadequacies  
We question the love we show, the guidance we give
We doubt our ability to discipline, and encourage and inspire at the same time
Though we try to hold them in our hand closed and safe
Our reality isn't this assured life we pictured
It's fluctuating
Out of our control, they are out of our control

What if there was a better reality
Where the absence of control brought deliverance
And we hold our children or their memory with an open hand
What if we could live in the place of surrender and yield the fight
How would that free us of the guilt we carry for loosing babies
What if we asked for vision instead of imposing our own
What if we quit trying to appear perfect
What if we ask for and accept undeserved forgiveness
What if we allow our best to be good enough, even when it doesn't feel like it
Because
Being a parent is hard
But it's worth it

It's worth every prayer
Every tear
Every sleepless night
Every doubt
Every mistake
Every stretch mark
Every moment of grace
Most of all it's worth trading your near-sighted dream of life
For a vision of grand design, and living surrendered

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" - Matthew 19:14

America Doesn't Keep It's Promises

The idea of America holds a promise
That life is Better
Freer
Lighter
Happier
And
Healthier

It's a promise that prompts
Prompts mom's with vision and hope
Of something more, something superior
It beckons
The promise, of a better life for the ones she loves
Her belief substantiated in her migration
Anticipating all her hard work will pay off in their reunion
Alone
Striving
Years living on optimism
Pining for them
Scrimping and Saving
Because America has promised her something

But America doesn't keep it's promises

America is just a place
Don't hear my honesty as ungratefulness
I am grateful
But this place, America, is just a place
There is bondage here
There is heaviness
There is sadness
And there is incurable sickness
America is an imperfect temporary place

And the temporary is disappointing
People
Places
Things
They will all disappoint you

But
There is One 
One who will never disappoint
One worth your belief
Your hope
Your trust
Your striving
And your surrender
One who gives truth, because it is in truth that you find eternal freedom
And when you take up His yolk - it is light
One who promises you peace a midst sadness, because He will take your burden
And He is The Great Physician, healer of souls, and weary bodies

And HE always keeps His promises

Walking Dead

We buy into a facade of living

Presented glamorously in advertisements, woven into lyrics, and disguised as reality in scripted television

We live comfortably

Surrounded by beautiful distractions

Busy, Loud, Fast lives

In our comfort, is complacency
When the occupying busyness fades we're unfulfilled
Without diversion we're void
The quiet is uncomfortable and the stillness is empty

Busy, uncomfortable in silence, dragged down by the facade of reality instead of living in my own
That used to be me
Well, I'm still busy
But my empty days are beautiful, and more fulfilling than any completed project
I envy the writers and preachers immersed in the word, connected with the Father day after day
I long for a day of void
My soul craves a day, an hour, an intense intentional time that I can fill with Jesus
Learn from Him, Talk to Him, Be filled up by Him
Today, I scraped together 15 minutes
And I had to push her off my Bible to read His letter

In our time together,
I watched Him take the hand of a lifeless little one and when He said get up, she did.
I listened as He told me that He can still raise the dead.
Isn't that what we are without Him?
Dead.
Walking Dead.
And, that is why no amount of stuff, or projects, or accomplishments or busyness that can fill us up?
Because on the inside we are dead.
The external is just a facade, a lie, a coat of paint we put on to cover the decay of our own souls.

But He can raise the dead.
He took my life,
Self-focused, busy, loud, prideful, tainted by worldly desires and full of missteps.
And He washed it all away,
He gave me a new name, a purpose, and made me alive on the inside.
Now anything I do on the outside is for His glory.
And while I'm working on WHAT exactly He is asking me to do.
I rest that nothing can steal the life that I feel in the quiet, in my time with Him.
My fullness is in the void because it's saturated with Him.

For the Love of quiet time, cats, finding pockets of empty time to be intentional, and being alive,
ME

Windows and Walls

We build up walls

A layered facade we thicken to hide insecurity

A hardened mask of independence

A shield to lock in feelings 

A resolve to avoid hurting or being hurt again
A layering of something that appears more perfect than the raw emotion, and realness of ourselves that lay messy and vulnerable underneath.

We insert windows

Small openings of light that allowing others to see in 

But we control the opening, dressing it up and tinting the view

Another cloak covering the mess and reality of our life

Half-truths

What if I took down my walls - what if the window into my life showed you my real life?
It might look like a morning where my coffee is warmed 12 times before it touches my lips
Too distracted to drink my coffee
Because I'm rushing about from room to room accomplishing half of tasks, while checking email and scrolling through Facebook
Requesting (there's my first mistake) rooms be cleaned 6 times before I come in with the broom and threaten to dispose of any lingering toys littering the floor
And the homeschool class bell doesn't ring to start until 10:42 (that might have been today)
It might look like a morning where I sit quietly over my Bible
And after soul filling prayer, journaling and peace
Loose my patience as bickering and unkindness fill the rooms of our house and kids get sent to separate corners to stare at dust bunnies

What if you asked how I was doing - and I answered honestly?
What if we really wanted to know how each other was doing?
Do we?

Over oatmeal we (my six and eight year old) discussed; why we think it's okay to lie to each other?
Why, when something is wrong do we say "nothing"
If we're not telling the truth we are lying.
I've accidentally taught my children that putting up walls, and lying about how we truly feel is acceptable without even trying.
How did that happen?

It is easy for me to write about what's real
I stare at the blinking cursor and the realness of me, the imperfection that makes us all equal drips from my fingers
Anyone else tired of trying to appear perfect, like we've got it all together?

What would happen if we lived
Honestly lived?
If we quit trying to be something more than broken people living in a broken world that need someone perfect to love us?
What if we quit working on ourselves and let ourselves be worked on?
What if we allowed the ONE who knows us, who created us to break down our walls?
What if we lived in the power that we can't change ourselves, or anyone else?
But relish in and share the love and knowledge of the ONE who can?

"...but what I have I give you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk" - Acts 3:6

For the Love of being worked on in all my imperfection, giving what I have, and living honestly,
ME

Reality

If I told you I believed in Heaven
A place filled with perfection
Filled with the presence of God, Jesus and all His angels
A place I long for
A place I will be just as I am minus the slips, falls and imperfections
A place I fit NOT because of me
But because I am covered in the perfect sacrifice and redemption of Jesus

What would you say?

If I told you I believe the Bible is true
It's Words are life
It is itself alive and active
It is relevant
That it would be written exactly the same today as it was then
It is a weapon for us to use against the devil
And it's a letter from our Creator to us - for the revelation of His character, love, grace, and our purpose

Would you agree?

If I said that Hell is a real place
A place of eternal darkness, despair and anger
A place where the hope of forgiveness, redemption and relationship with God is forever lost
A place where the devil reigns,
That the devil is real and so are his demons
That hell is a place that the devil wants you to believe isn't real

How would you respond?

What if I told you these three things, Heaven, Hell and The Bible, will endure
Longer than this life - for they were before us and go on without us
For all of eternity
Unchanging - except for those that find citizenship there daily.
This is my reality.
But it's not just mine - it is reality
It is reality that so many choose to deny

"It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

For the Love of reality checks, truth, and striving to live in the power of eternal reality,
Me 

The Plague Of Enough

Serving enough?
Giving enough?
Working enough?
Resting enough?
Loving enough?
Talking enough?
Listening enough?
Compassionate enough?
Doing enough?

And how much is enough?


The question nags at our souls and leaves us feeling inadequate.
There is no answer for enough.
There is always more.

But He came to be enough for us.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2

Because He is enough
In Him, we too are enough

The plague of enough is one of the world
A world of joy stealing comparison
A world full of judgement clouding pride
And a world full of decisions made in impatience
A world of inadequate circumstances, situations and people
Who desperately need set free from themselves
And immersed in Christ

In this world
We are enough as ourselves in Christ 
Created to be in Him
Free from comparison
Free from pride
Full of long-suffering in a world that is temporary

"He has showed you what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." - Micah 6:8 

I wonder....

I came across this article posted online in the Kansas City Star
Side Note: It is a sad but true reality that the majority of my news input is found on Facebook
In the above article a furloughed employee is quoted as saying:
"We didn't create the government or the programs we work on.  HUD doesn't get lots of attention, but we help keep roofs over the heads of millions of senior citizens, handicapped folks and kids."
And that's true.
This man didn't create HUD,
Neither did my father-in-law (also furloughed) create the EPA
I would venture a guess most people accepted jobs they had a passion for
Helping people, sustaining the environment.
At least I hope that's the motivation.
Caring, Meeting needs.

Typically the government and it's issues don't spur me to conversation
I would even describe myself, at times, as politically apathetic
That statement has it's own set of issues, but I'm not going to divulge those now.

We have come to this place of dependence and complacency
A place where we turn to a government, and it's programs for help rather than God.
God,
Creator of the Universe - who spoke, spoke the stars into existence
God,
Ruler over all - who establishes Kings and give authority
Who can also destroy kingdoms and establish new
God,
Who sent the true light that gives light to every man into the world
And God,
Who loved us enough to send a Savior to redeem us back to Him

Why do we look anywhere but to Him?
Because we are an impatient people
Seeking the immediate rather than the eternal.
We are a  selfish people
Prone to follow our hearts rather than search for truth.
We are a needy people
In need of redemption and faith
True faith, that dictates our actions, and limits our reactions.

And where is the Church?
Are we living the religion that is acceptable as pure and faultless?
"to look after orphans and widows in their distress"
AND "to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

We can argue regulations, people, natural consequences, justice, societal norms and math.
But are we living it?
Where is the Church?
Are we;
Devoted to the apostles teaching?
Devoted to the fellowship, and to the breaking of bread?
Devoted to prayer?
Are we filled with awe at the miraculous power of God?
Giving to to everyone as he has need?
Are we glad with sincere hearts?

Father you've not been secretive in what you desire.
Where am I?
Do not let me be deceived.
I am a piece of your church a small brick joined to the Cornerstone.
Uniquely purposed and positioned.
Am I living it?  
Is there worldly pollution of my soul?
Again, Father do not let me deceive myself - but spur me on to love and good deeds as I am called
While my body is here, may I be faithful
Faithful to live as a stranger and alien
With a sincere heart, imitating the faith of the leaders who spoke the Word of God, considering the outcome of their way of life.
The outcome is eternal.
Show me how I need to sacrifice the immediate to be the living stone you've called me to be.


Hebrews 13:7,  James 1:27, 1 Peter 2:4-10, Acts 2:42-47, Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3:22-24, John 3:16, John 1:9, Genesis 1:14-18, Romans 13:1, Luke 1:52, Colossians 1:16, James 2:14-18

Moments

There is a balance to be found in the everyday
Tasks vs. Moments
Taking time and still Keeping a schedule
Normalcy or Spontaneity
It's a teeter-totter

24 hours a week I take care of critically ill children
Despite best efforts, prayers, and tears
I've stood, a helpless observer, as little ones are released into the arms of Jesus
I've watched us "save" teens for a life of dependence
Relinquishing them back into the care of their parents, hundred-plus pound forever infants

Is there any task worth missing a moment amidst the vapor of our life?

24 hours a day, 7 days a week I take care of two healthy blessings
I woke up today
We all woke up today
Fever wearies her little body
But in the midst a moment, undeserved, cherished
To be filed away for the days it's not so easy, and caring is over-thrown by selfishness
It will happen, it's just humanity
Witness this moment, watching him care warmed my soul,
And I was frozen there, watching love and relationship happen

To get on a teeter-totter alone is to be weighted on the ground
Or stuck in a continual state of effort- pushing, jumping, floundering
We need each other
But even more we need the One who can balance life for us
Cancel our debt
Offer perspective, though we may not always love it
See us for who we really are - and love us anyway
We need a relationship with the One who came with grace and truth to make God known to us
Who gives one blessings after another from the fullness of His grace
John 1:16-18

I stand, as a guide to them,
He stands as my redeemer, balancing all my mistakes, giving me more grace and undeserved blessing
And though there are days I try to control and hold them with a closed hand
Daily I am called to release them into the will and arms of Jesus
I can not save my children, but claim the promise of Isaiah 49:25
And I pray their lives will be one of dependence, relationship, and moments.

I woke up today and climbed on the teeter-totter
Praise God, He's on it with me.

What's In A Name?

Your body strained for breath
Helpless, I could not breathe for you
They whisked you away
Leaving my arms empty and my heart aching
Emotions I never imagined existing or feeling - until you were in my arms, and then gone
My head clouded with emotion and questions
Unfamiliar emotion
Questions I could not answer

We named you Ethan
We named you "Warrior"
We named you "Strong One"
I needed you to be a warrior
I needed you to fight
Fight for breath
Fight to know us
Fight to live

We named you Samuel
We named you "Called By God"
We named you "God Has Heard"
I needed God, in a way I had never needed before
I needed Him to hear us
I needed Him to heal you
I needed Him to call you His own, but let you be mine

We prayed
We waited
He answered
And your name was fulfilled

Eight years you have been mine
I pray our years together are many more
And for you my Strong One
I still pray and I hope

I hope, That your breath is not wasted;
Giving words proper respect
- they are not to be uses carelessly, but cautiously
Speaking the truth
- with a loving heart
Enriching others with words of wisdom and knowledge
- shining the light you are blessed to carry
Showing kindness
- using words to build up not tear down

I hope, That your life is fully LIVED;
Being yourself
Loving deeply
Thinking even deeper
Unselfishly giving and serving
Enjoying the creation around you
Running, Fishing, Playing, Writing
Following the WAY, and leading others in it
Standing firm

I hope, That you will BE;
Be A warrior
- who puts on the full armor of God, and stands firm against the devil
- who lives in the light and fights against the darkness
Be strong
- understanding this life is about more than today and about more than just yourself
- standing up for what is right, what is true and for the ones you love
Be called
- listen for His voice
- seek His wisdom
- follow His example and His leading

Saying these words makes my heart, again, ache
Because living in such a way will make you different
Different isn't easy, but it is what we are called to be

For the Love of my eight year old boy, the only name we could agree on, and unsettling hopes and prayers to a God who listens and answers,
ME

First-World Problems

During my daily Facebook scroll I read this blog post
A letter to the North American church

The afternoon brought carved out time to spend with friends.
Three genuine ladies who lift me up by just being themselves and filling my home
While our children played, decorated cupcakes, snuck M&M's, and sang "Happy Last Day Of Being Seven To You"
We shared life over a cup of coffee
There's no need to waste breath on small talk, and it's refreshing sharing joys as well as failures, moments of clarity and peace as well as struggles and insecurities.
We talked about living life as Christians - here, in this place, in this moment, surrounded by our children, and in the reality of dysfunction that is life.
What are we teaching them, not just from text books, but from our actions, reactions and habits.
It was good...

And later, just before bed and a second scroll through Facebook this...
"There's a blog post to be written about the attitude of the lady in Panera this evening who was told that the type of bread she wanted was unavailable and what it says about the culture we live in..."

We do not live in a Third-World Country
Our homes have multiple rooms, sometimes multiple levels
Our freezers and pantries are full
And there are four different grocery store options within a two-mile radius of most homes
Said grocery is overflowing with items, most pre-packaged and unnecessary
A walk through Target will offer you 172 different types of hand soap, body wash and shampoo
We get coffee from drive through windows and find individualized ways to take it
Baking and Cooking are tasks easily subbed out to the restaurant down street
And our cars full of gasoline, which required their own savings account for maintenance get us there
And we have money to pay for all of the above
We live in a world of excess
In a First-World Country
Yet
God, the creator of the universe, who spoke stars into existence
God, our maker, who knit together our being
Placed us here, in this time, in this place
To be different
In our actions
In our speech
In our way of life
There are a lot of "First-World Problems"
And yeah, I get caught up complaining about them too
Car issues, and cost of maintenance - Grocery store trips - Budgets - Menu planning - Etc.
If we claim to be Christians - followers of Christ,
First-World Problems are NOT supposed to be OUR problems

"To God's elect strangers, in the world...who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood..."

He knew where I was going to land
He has a plan
Sanctification does not happen over night - it's a LIFE LONG process
But we have to pursue it
Be obedient - in this place, in this time
And accept the Lordship of Jesus in our lives
How that all looks?
I'm still working on it
And until I get it, I'm trusting HE has it all worked out, I just need to be faithful.

First-World Problem people need JESUS
Just like the people with Third-World Problems
And if we know HIM, We've got work to do.