An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

Kids-Date night

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Buck-night at the K
The perfect storm of $1 hotdogs, pepsi and peanuts
While Ethan and daddy washed down the loss with $1 food items
Charlie and spent the night close to home
We went for a leisurely walk; because if you know Charlie she only has one speed and that speed is distracted and chatty
Once home we washed the bubble-gum icecream out of her hair, donned princess PJ's, read extra Bible stories and snuggled up to say our prayers
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Stop and smell the flowers

Monday, April 26, 2010

Car packed and trying to leave
But lingering in the doorway at my parents house
Ethan admired Papa's guns
Noticing his admiration Papa offered a plan...
On our next visit he would take Ethan to shoot
He then gently explained there were rules; how to hold a gun, what to shoot etc. and he would teach him
I watched as the excitement spread over Ethan's face and his eyes widened in wonder
So did Papa's, as the idea of escaping the office and sharing time with the grand kids at the new farm became a soon to be accomplished reality (he's a great Papa).
Charlie, not wanting to miss out, chimed in
"and on the way we can smell the flowers, Papa! - Yeah, that'd be perfect!"
Papa just smiled, and holding back a laugh said
"yeah, Charlie that'd be great"
It's a date: Papa, Ethan, Guns, Charlie and flowers.
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Messy Mortar

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I had never noticed it before
And now everytime I glance east toward the powder blue covered bricks
I'm reminded of you
The truck was packed, but we just lingered in the drive
Our eyes focused toward the ground, and our feet picked awkardly at the concrete
We didn't want you to go
But, we were the only reason you would have stayed
I cried
Instead of crying you commented on the mortar
And we all laughed,
I cried some more, so did you
We all hugged and you drove away
I'm looking to spending sometime together this weekend - Jacob's really looking forward to fishing, I'm really looking forward to talking, cuddling Jace, and chasing Briggs around.
Thanks for making me laugh and giving me something so close, as my neighbors crappy brick-job, to remind me of you.
Miss you still
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Cookies are Real and Dinosaurs are Extinct

Friday, April 23, 2010

Just had to write this down and keep it forever.
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Jesus Loves Me, Anyone?

It had been a day full of brotherly/sisterly button-pushing
Imaginary power had been stolen, the hula-hoop instructor wasn't being listened to, hula-hoops turned into weapons, the knight captured the princess- who then decided she wasn't a princess anymore.
And round and round they went
It was all I could to to keep the peace
And my patience was wearing very thin by 6:30pm
I was feeling more resilient with the reinforcement of daddy,my back-up, at my side
But, while trapped inside the metal box on wheels that is our car
It all started to come crashing down
Little voices raised
Shouts of "stop it Charlie"
and "EEEEEEEthan!"
Little fists swinging
Mommy's voice bellowed "HEY"
And silence...
Why don't you and Charlie sing a song together? - Daddy suggested
Charlie obstinately decline.
Daddy persisted.
"Jesus loves me, anyone?"

I smiled, laughed and my frustration magically-melted away
Ethan's voice sang out loudly first- "JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW"
Daddy chimed in "FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO"
And by the chorus, all four of our voices rang out

I could have chalked this day up as a failure,
I was about to.
Patience lost, Kind words gone, Edgy, and Worn down.
And it all melted away with the simple reminder of how much Jesus loves Me.
How little I deserve it, but How thankful I am.

Jesus Loves Me, Anyone?
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Thursday, April 22, 2010

*We don't say stupid...right mom?
*Mom, what's icky-poo? -- thank you sooooo much Nana for that!
*That's bathroom talk.
*You've got lipstick on your face (following a kiss)
*You're my best mommy
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I think I want...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

To be the girl who can do it all

As I was sweeping the dirty floors, which were way overdue (The Place We Dump Our Stuff)
Within my pile of dirt and grime resided several buttons, a shoe-lace, a couple gems from broken costume jewelry and a single-fake pearl
And I thought to myself...
I wish I was the type of mom who could stop for five minutes, and create something brilliant from this dusty eclectic junk
Instead I threw it away
And pondered all the things I could or should be (for about 10 seconds)
Then someone needed help going to the potty, and dinner needed to be made, and I had to finish the reports from my audit, and I danced with the kids and I sang Jesus loves me and I read David and Goliath for like the 100th time, and I kissed my husband, and I prayed and I breathed in real deep and I let it all out
And I realized - I'm already doing it
Who cares about a junky bracelet that would probably end up in the trash anyway
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Monday, April 19, 2010

Maybe I don't clean out the closets as often as I should...
The tiny tees and the frilly dresses
The worn, hole-ridden jeans
They all seem so small, and I wonder at how you got to be so big.

Maybe I forget some of the stuff I've "hidden" away
At least Jacob, claims I hide things
I'd like to classify myself as an organized-piler
Problem with piling things away is sometimes, you find them when least expected
The dark purple KSU socks meant to cover tiny feet
Tiny feet that now tread the streets of gold

Maybe I don't call as often as I should
And maybe it's because every time we talk I miss you like the first time
I wish you were here, but I can't picture myself there
And I'm sorry

Maybe I'm just hormonal
But when I watch you hold him
I have to blink back the tears
You're such a sweet big-brother
The way your eyes gaze at him and how he stares back at you, your sweet "hi-baby"
Why do we talk with such sugary-shrill voices to newborns? Do they hear us better?

Maybe I wonder how she would have changed our lives
But mostly I'm just thankful
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Saturday, April 17, 2010

I ate 10 mini-snickers this morning (which I'm pretty sure is equal to at least one regular-sized candy bar).
I washed down the mini-snickers with a hand full of red skittles.
I am on a diet.
I'm also "on" something else (TMI? -sorry).
I'd like to blame the poor control and large sugar intake on the above statement.
I need to be working on work, but
I've been not working for the last 1.3 hrs.
I will be going running later,
How long do you think I need to run to burn off all the candy calories?
Sigh...shake my head, and smile.
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We'd been planning "family-night" all week.
And when I say we, I mean Jacob and I talked about it on Tuesday - shopping for the kids summer clothes, Ethan some soccer gear, out to dinner maybe at the T-Rex Cafe and catch the "How To Train Your Dragon" movie.
On Wednesday we informed the kids we would be going to the movies, and I continued to dwell excitedly on our planned time together. Making plans and building-up expectations of what our family time would be like [in my head] throughout the rest of the week.

Complication #1 - No one can read my mind
Complication #2 - I am the mother of a four-year-old and a three-year-old
Complication #3 - My husbands patience and shopping tolerance is connected to his blood-sugar (which tends to be low right after school)
Complication #4 - NO ONE CAN READ MY MIND

Ethan was really excited shop for soccer-gear, specifically shoes.
So when the Nike Outlet didn't have his size in stock somehow that affected his like of the soccer shirt I had picked out to coordinate with the burnt-orange and navy shorts he was trying on. And he melted into a puddle of tears and attitude on the dressing room floor.
Sympathetic dad says "we don't have to get anything-here"
Annoyed mom says "I'm his mom, it's my money, and I can buy the shirt if I want - he doesn't get to throw a fit and just get whatever he wants"
Mom and dad decide to each take one child (guess which one mom took) and do some more shopping.

After a 10 min break - dad and Ethan rejoined us soccer shoes in hand. Mom received a sincere thank you and apology from Ethan, and then dished her own apology to dad.

After rounds at, GAP, OSHKOSH and Carter's (thank goodness for the LEGO table) - budget depleted and list accomplished it was time to recharge daddy's blood-sugar.

Daddy headed to the car to drop off our loot, and
I did my best to steer the wild horses through the growing crowd of people
I reprimanded spiderman for shooting random strangers (luckily the two-teenage boys just chuckled and grabbed their chest as if they had been shot).
And we gazed at the fountain, and danced to the music that filled the courtyard.
We were only half way to the restaurant, standing around the fountain, when daddy rejoined us.

Miss, I'll do just about anything - Charlie broke down into tears and was shaking with fear upon seeing the life-size roaring T-Rex at the entrance to the Cafe. After a promise to return...disappointed big-brother Ethan put on a brave face and we walked to another restaurant.
Dinner was good, except for Charlie falling out of her chair and not eating any of her requested Mac-n-Cheese (I think it was the crumbled corn bread on top that threw her off...and really who puts corn bread on top of Mac-n-Cheese?)

We loved the movie. It was a fun and exciting story with a sweet message about being yourself. Twizzlers in hand, Ethan leaning on daddy and Charlie resting on mommy's lap we watched intently and ducked as images jumped from the screen into the audience. And although, Ethan fell asleep (causality of an 8:30 showtime and a no-nap school day), and Charlie removed her glasses half-way-through, it was a wonderful time.

I'm glad no one can read my mind. I mean, really - what potential for embarrassment.
And if everything went as planned, I would have missed so much;
I wouldn't have had special one-on-one time with Charlie while daddy and Ethan shared shoe-shopping time.
I wouldn't have had the chance to steer wild-horses or watch Charlie dance, or laugh as "Spiderman" apologized to strangers.
I wouldn't have had the chance to hear Ethan sweetly tell Charlie "they're not real dinosaurs Sissy, but it's okay to be afraid when you're 3. When you turn 4 - like me, you won't be afraid anymore" or watch him share his corn-dogs.
I wouldn't have had the chance to stare in awe at my sleeping little boy or hold both the hands of my little girl and husband at the same time.

I am happy to be a perfectly-imperfect family with fears and flaws living a forgiven life.
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Miss Congeniality

Today I picked you up from school
You greet me each time with such enthusiasm
In a dead sprint (table to door in about 4 seconds)
Arms stretched open,
Ear to ear grin,
Shouting "MaahhhMEEEEE"!
And you fall into my arms

Today, your teachers told me "Charlie has quite a following, she's just so animated imaginative and articulate."
And your report paper read...
"Today I was so happy playing with all my friends! Charlie is very popular :)"

I'm sure it wasn't your second-hand gap-tank and coordinating brown skirt
or your disheveled brown hair with the braid strategically banded atop your head like a tiara.
It's YOU, just you
And I just smiled while holding you in my arms
And you kissed my cheek

Charlie girl, you light up a room.
You are energetic and beautiful.
You are self-assured and kind.
You are animated (which sometimes gets classified as dramatic - in certain situations) and very imaginative!
I want to remember today.
I'm not going to think about the day when popularity might change for you.
I'm just going to keep encouraging you to be YOU!
Because you're perfect just as you are, and I love you!
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Undershirt clad
Armoury of balls ready

The way their eyes light up when they hear the garage door says it all
And they herald your homecoming with joyous shouts of "Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!"
You're their Hero, no fancy cape needed - pit-stained undershirt will do
She's your damsel in distress and he's your sidekick
You're their Super-Daddy

I love you Jacob
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The Place We Dump our Stuff

You see it's Spring, and while for some that means Spring-cleaning...
We've just been too busy
(and by too busy, I mean perfectly content, bubbling over and happy)
playing basketball in the driveway
blowing bubbles
swinging on the hand-me-down wooden swing set
playing chase in the yard
riding our bikes and scooters to the ice cream store
having picnic lunches
coloring with sidewalk chalk
grilling outside
walking to the park
"playing" soccer and practicing our baseball-swings

And so our house becomes
the place we wash off the dirt and the pollen
the place we take a rest to recharge for the rest of the day
the place where we wait for daddy
the place we eat and drink
the place where we lay our heads at night
the place where we dump our stuff
because it's Spring, and we're just too busy

And it's really freeing just to enjoy this time I have to watch them grow and make memories of how we are right this moment.
So if you come to visit, excuse our mess - we're just too busy enjoying our family.
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Giving me away

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Hug me tightly
Kiss my cheek
Clasp the pearls
Hold my hand
Walk me to him
Kiss me goodbye
I love you dad
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Deductive Reasoning

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A city-goose floated, in a corporate pond.
Unaware of the traffic or onlooking 3 and 4 year old.
And me unprepared for the laughter that would soon overtake my vehicle.

"Mom, can a goose go underwater?" Ethan asked.
"I think so buddy, but not all the way under like a fish" I answered
(Jacob would have to set him straight later, if I was miss-informing him)

"Well if a goose did go underwater - a shark could eat it" Ethan said,
And Charlie's mouth opened (as big as a 3-year old mouth can) as she demonstrated how a shark would eat the goose. "Chomp-Chomp"
"Squawk" added Ethan (a simple, but appropriate last word before becoming shark-food)

I suppose a shark could eat a goose, but I don't think they live in the same type of water" I interjected.
"Different water?" - he was intrigued now!

"Shark's live in the ocean, and the ocean is salt water"
And Geese live...but before I could say "fresh-water"
Ethan shouted "PEPPER-WATER"
And his giggle evolved into a contagious belly-laugh that filled the car
And we laughed, and laughed some more as Ethan and Charlie took turns shouting out different types of condiment-water.
Barbecue-ocean, Ketchup-water, Mustard-sea...

I'm so glad we noticed that city-goose.
Thanks corporate pond.
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Dance with me

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Just don't take my picture!

Jump, twirl, move and grove...
You had a great time with daddy, although you had to leave a little early due to an accident. I guess you were just too busy having fun to pause and poo.

You are a beautiful girl.

You're daddy is a gentleman.
Once I descended from the cloud of laughter and smiles
it's one of the biggest things that attracted me to him.
He's respectful and sweet
He opens my car door
When his fingers entwine with mine, and he says "you're safe", "I'm here" - without saying anything
I love him, and I love the example he sets of what a man should be in your life.

There will be more flowers, more kisses, more dresses, more years, and more dances.
And maybe then you'll let me take you're picture!

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To go faster
Because you run encouragingly beside me, yet one step ahead
To go father
Because it's the only way to get better
The food away
Because they deserve a healthy mom
Through the emotions
Because eventually it alleviates the pain
Because sometimes it' the only way to keep going
Because even when I don't believe in me, you all do

Oh...and when running watch out for the poo on the sidewalk
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Friday, April 2, 2010

It was "that time of year again"
You ladies know what I'm talking about...
The Yearly appointment where you are escorted into a cold-sterile-room, that is, if you don't count the cheesy landscape pictures cut from old calendars stuck to the ceiling - and you know why their on the ceiling BLAH.
Next you're asked to fully-undress, a thin sheet drapes across the examination table and acts as the draftiest robe you've ever donned, and the hygienic-paper crunches beneath your cheeks where you sit to wait.
While waiting - fully-naked, and half-covered the nurse peruses your chart and there she finds a few facts she'll need you to confirm.
I knew it was coming,
But the words stung, like a cold extremity aches as you warm up after snowy-play.
"3 pregnancies and 2 births?" She asked.
And there it was; the truth and with it, a twinge of pain from inside the deepest part of me. And I simply replied "yes"
But that outwardly-quiet simple "yes" caused the inside of me to call-out....
Do you know I wanted number three, really-really wanted her?
Do you know number three was a little girl?
Do you know I saw her heart pulsing strong and quick
And do you know I starred helplessly, and cried, when the monitor pictured a motionless body and a heart-without a rhythm.
Do you know when my four-year-old asks me "when are we going to get another baby"
I answer him, "when we get to heaven"
No, the nurse didn't know, it was just a routine question, at a routine check-up, that's 6-months over due.
And then she left,
Alone in the sterility - cold, still naked, emotions stinging, with the lingering empty promise: "the doctor will be in soon"
I pulled the ratty-thin sheet around me a little tighter, which helped to relieve the chill, and somehow my own arms encompassing my gut dulled the stabbing from within.
48 minuets later I was free to leave with a clean bill of gynecological-health, an order for labs, a free sample of birth control and the emotional pieces of me in check.
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On MOPS Tuesday's I visit the Chick-fil-a with two friends. After eating our chicken, and licking all the drips that trickle down the sides of our kids free cones the children disappear into the wonderfully clean, sound-proof-booth that is the play place. And the girls get to talk.
Sometimes we talk about shoes and new wardrobes, but today after a refill of diet-lemonade, or was it tea? We started talking about the real "stuff" of life.
Like loss, our crappy world, infertility, etc.
When someone is grieving - we hug them. When someone is happy - we hug them. When we want to say I love you - we hug. When we want to say I'm sorry - we hug.
And, it's a funny thing the human reaction.
While some are renewed and strengthened in the embrace of another's arms, others melt into a soppy pile of tears as the emotions we thought we had under-control come rushing back to the surface; and with wounds re-opened and more painful than the initial injury we fall-to-pieces.
Me, I'm a little of both; but mostly the wounded, fall-to-pieces, soppy pile of tears option. That doesn't mean you shouldn't hug me - just consider this your fair-warning of my natural human-reaction.
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Favorite Reflections

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  • Dear Baby Girl (you're gone) -- You would be five, but your body never was and instead you're just a beautiful soul I don'...
  • The word rolled off her tongue and I was frozen I couldn't have just heard what my brain is telling me I heard Not from her, Beautifu...
  • The house is hurriedly swept, papers stashed, candles that smell of cookies lit, laundry hidden away, dinner inhaled - dishes entombed, and...
  • There's orange shag carpet covering the floor Cards slide across the wooden table as kids make sound effects from behind the couch The...
  • Being a nurse was always where my heart was set So all the Sunday dinners I missed I can not regret Because caring for others' hurts, ...
  • My sweet sisters, You proudly proclaim God as sovereign and Lord and resign to His timing in so much of your life,  But, concer...
  • It's a mindless phrase I pray Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day But today A wife woke up to an empty place in her bed ...
  • To all the Mom's  Sacrifice comes easy at first, it starts with your body and then it's your sleep - until you realize it'...
  • I sat on top of a mountain The majesty of creation stretched before me Pairs of eyes gazed into mine With quivering knees A vulnerable h...