I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

Dear Son, [3 Qualities of REAL Men]

You sit as a silent observer,
And when I look at you listening, patient, processing
The coffee flecks inside your chestnut eyes reflect back to me the darkness of the words you hear
Words like "sexually assaulted" "molested" "raped"
And my heart whispers silent prayers that the shadows of this bleeding broken world would never darken your soul but instead make you a champion of right and of good
A warrior for the weak, the needy, the lovely and the loveless
A real a man

Men, my quiet-soulful son, real men
Don't take, they cherish
They don't take the souls of girls wrapped in skin and use them for their own pleasure
Real men see the soul, the weakness, and the loveliness that lies inside the skin and they choose to cherish - honor the beauty, the need, and the uniqueness.  Real men do dishes and laundry and work hard to provide for their families not because women are incapable but because they are givers who cherish.

Real Men
Don't break, they protect
They don't break bones, bruise hearts, fracture dreams or tear skin in selfishness or anger.
Real men sacrifice to safeguard their sisters, and when you're a real man, you see the women of the world as your sisters.  Real men risk themselves to save hearts, bodies, dreams, and the souls of those they get to love.  Sisters, Mothers, Daughters, Wives.  Love is a great responsibility, and you my son have been gifted with souls to protect.
Real men tell her she's "beautiful" when she needs to hear it most (in sweat pants and stains and when it's least expected), Real men forgive and admit when they're wrong. Real men are selfless when it's easier to be selfish.

Real Men,
Don't use, they encourage
They don't carelessly waste those around them for personal gain, popularity, acceptance, or power.  Real men build walls of hope and encouragement around women with words that are true, honoring and intentional.  Real men see through the temporary and focus that which lasts - righteousness, contentment, hope, love, joy, honesty, truth.  Real mean stand for truth, they don't twist it to suit.
Real men listen, cry, and care when it's easier to be apathetic. 

I know what it's like to align your soul with a boy,
Boys take, and use and break
Boys squander the beauty inside, they steal hope, and trap you inside lies of self-doubt and fear
But I didn't stay there
It was the encompassing arms of a man, his disappointment, heart break and his forgiveness that brought me back to life
I have always been surrounded by good men
Real men
And if you ever wonder what one looks like...
Look to your Papa, your Daddy, your Uncles, your Great Grandpa
Ask them what it means
Ask them what they did right, and what they wish they wish they could change
They'll tell you
And I'll be here

Irons

My fingers drum the keys, at a familiar pace
But long overdue
The reflections of my mind pieced together as whispers of emotion in fragmented sentences,
Phrases of love, longing and fleeting time
How the scent of lilacs blooms, on runs in neon shoes
Remind me Mawna's cooking, and Grandpa's weathered hands

Of home
And youth,
And soy beans,
And brothers
And time; unrushed, filled with simple moments.
Fragrantly sweet are the memories triggered by the pale purple bloom of spring.
So, I prod the fire that is my busy life and know there are some irons that need removing
For writing, running, the pursuit of simple moments, love, and relishing childhood with my children are irons I refuse to remove.

[Dear Self] When You're 30 Edition

People assume you're responsibly awake and start your day before 7am.

You will get texts wishing you a Happiest of Days starting at 6:30.

Your dad will apologize for waking you up with his call, and emphasize that he did purposely wait "a while" before calling!

Your mom will visit; take you shopping and out to eat, 

You'll talk like friends and soak up the time.

The crab cakes, seared tuna-salad, and ice tea will leave you full and you'll forgo dessert 

What?  

Yep, no dessert.

You'll shop for sales, even though your birthday cash is taunting, begging to burn a hole in your pocket, and 6 days later you'll still have cash to spend. 

The gifts of time and thoughtfulness will be your favorites; 

A homemade card that reads "I love you very much, your just SO old I can't believe your 30 and Awesome" - Ethan.

Coffee and time stolen away while children attend school.

Jewelry that looks just like me.

To end the night you won't attend an elaborate surprise party (cause that not your husband's style),  

But you will be surprised,

And you'll celebrate with family and friends from far and near via video.

You'll cry and roll with laughter as your watch and listen to the singing of happy birthday, 

and memories recounted in both words and acting.

You'll find out that cake, candy and cooking are what some people love most about you. 

Compliments roll off Charlie's tongue and Ethan wants to go on Wipe Out to win you 50,000 dollars.

You'll rewind and re-watch your nephews- songs, "I love you" proclamations, and silly faces.

Most of all you'll be humbled, and honored to be called a Christ follower, a good mom, and great friend among other things.

The words of love, praise and encouragement from those who mean so much to you will overflow your cup already so full and continue to echo in your mind building you up and reminding you keep being YOU.

For the love of turning 30, laughter, tears, shopping, coffee and expressions of love

Me

2011 Blog-Year In Review

There were a mere 35 blog entries made in all of 2011.
That's less than 3 per month.
Resolve to document more in 2012.
And since you have nothing better to to than to re-read my 2011 blog entries I've hyper linked the months for easy access.

January - 50 Words for a great man's 50th birthday and Stepping-Up to a calling.
February - A blogging drought resolved, NOT 30 yet and loving my Valentine no Valentine's day needed.
March - Jamie Rocket
April - The beginning of Spring, loving life-group and Put-put with the newlyweds
May - The UN-end of the world
June - Running, The blahs in poem, and The start of summer
July - Spiritual Growth
August - A brush with death, So it says, E&C Updates, a 2011 record setting 7 blog entry month
September - BONUS
October - Judging Judges, Sioux Falls Marathon
November - 13.1 and Cousins
December - Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Joshua

Your cookies already gone
But your voicemail holds a silly Happy-Birthday song
How I miss my friend, who tells me how it is
Even if I'm not ready to hear it
Who listens, amidst the chaos of kids
Who gave me an amazing sister and best friend
Who crawls on the floor and chases all the kids, a real kid at heart
Who's an incredible dad and loving husband
It's your birthday today
And I'm remembering the days of Burgers and Chiefs games

I love you Joshua!
Happy 27th birthday

Sentimental

Maybe I don't clean out the closets as often as I should...
The tiny tees and the frilly dresses
The worn, hole-ridden jeans
They all seem so small, and I wonder at how you got to be so big.

Maybe I forget some of the stuff I've "hidden" away
At least Jacob, claims I hide things
I'd like to classify myself as an organized-piler
Problem with piling things away is sometimes, you find them when least expected
The dark purple KSU socks meant to cover tiny feet
Tiny feet that now tread the streets of gold

Maybe I don't call as often as I should
And maybe it's because every time we talk I miss you like the first time
I wish you were here, but I can't picture myself there
And I'm sorry

Maybe I'm just hormonal
But when I watch you hold him
I have to blink back the tears
You're such a sweet big-brother
The way your eyes gaze at him and how he stares back at you, your sweet "hi-baby"
Why do we talk with such sugary-shrill voices to newborns? Do they hear us better?

Maybe I wonder how she would have changed our lives
But mostly I'm just thankful

Truth Is...

I turned 28 this year.
I'm not a "runner", but I ran 5 miles today.
I am a size XXX (Just kidding- not posting for the world to read), I'll let you know when I'm back in a size 10!
It was a really good day, the kind that makes me happy to be a mom, a wife, a friend, and forgiven.
I have three cavities (blah).
The world doesn't tell the truth (very often).
I need to remind myself what's true.
I am beautiful.
The inside of me is just as much a work-in-progress as the outside.
AND That's okay.
No one is perfect.
I'm really happy for Jonas.
I am so thankful for Jacob, and watching him do the dishes makes me smile.
I am blessed with great friends.
I miss Josh and Abbey.
I was raised in a wonderful family, and they're still wonderful.
No family is perfect, and I can not expect to have the first.
There's a small part of me that's dysfunctional and dramatic.
It's only a small part.
I'm forgiven.
I didn't read my Bible today.
I need to spend more time in the Word.
I want to know my Savior more, so I can be more like Him.
I've felt pain.
Today I'm filled with joy and contentment.
I look forward to meeting my baby-girl in heaven someday.
I cherish the children who are here on this earth with me.
Something we need more of.
I'm smiling and I hope you are too.

Joshua

Today is your birthday.
You are busy at work - just another day?
I hope Ethan and Charlie's "happy-birthday" serenade encouraged you
I think I heard a smile in your voice when I talked with you on the phone.
I prayed for you...
I prayed for your heart to be filled with Gods purpose for you
I prayed for your day to go well
I prayed that whatever comes you will feel peace

I miss you
I miss Abbey
I wish I could be to Briggs what you both were to Ethan


Happy birthday little brother, I love you!

Happy Birthday Little- Brother

Here are somethings I know and a few I don't...

I know what a sweet heart you have
I know how hard you work and what you family means to you
I know we will always make time to be together
I know you love GOD
I know you are a great uncle to my children
I don't know what shoes Ethan will get for his birthday, but I know they'll come from you
I know it's hard to talk about our failures
I know you've witnessed some of mine
I know we're forgiven
I know it's hard to live in this world and not be of it
I know you CAN
I know you thought you had it all planned out,
I know how it feels for it all to fall apart
I don't know what is next for you
I know how happy you sounded the last time we talked
I know God has the BEST plan laid out and still to come for you
I don't know what it is
I know I am praying for you

Happy 22nd birthday Jonas - I love you

For my brothers....

To the first, my life-long best friend - who has blessed me with the sister of my dreams:
You haven't always had the words, but you've always been there.
You've been brave for me, protected me and given me confidence.
You've displayed responsibility in your practicality, and I have learned from you.
Although I am older, you are my "big brother" and I love you.

To the second, my child before children - who has blessed me with your sweet spirit:
We are alike you and me, but not the same;
I am more guarded, you more genuine,
I lacking in self-confidence, you saturated and beaming.
We've taken pain in stride, displayed resiliance, and gained understanding.
You are honest and I will always be here to listen to you.
You make me proud, you make me smile and I will forever want the best for you.
Although I am smaller, you will always be my "little brother" and I love you.