An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

Against all hope: Faith & Purpose not Perfection

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Today I faced my humanity, my doubt and my sinful nature
Today I saw the face of God and in His reflection how small I am
Small, but not insignificant
Small, but purposed
Purposed for perhaps even more than I can know or imagine
And, so are you
It’s faith that gives us hope, faith that strengthens us, purposes us and faith that ultimately saves us from ourselves

“Against all hope, in hope Abraham believed...without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead...YET He did not waiver regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.  Being fully persuaded God had power to do what He promised.” - Romans 4:18-21

And so I asked myself the questions:
  • What do I need to believe against all hope?
  • What facts do I need to face?
The answers are these:
I will NOT be disappointed, for my hope is in the LORD (Isaiah 49:23)
GOD will save the kids He put in my care (Isaiah 49:25)
I am NOT in control.  I can not save you, and I can not save myself.
I will never be perfect
My body aches and my heart hurts.  Emotionally I am overwhelmed, I question every decision, every word, every yes and every no.

Today I faced my humanity, my lacking, and the unqualified nature of my role as mom
I wrestle for control when it’s not mine for the holding
I can not perceive the future, but I believe in a God who can
God, Who covers my humanity with His mercy
God, Who permeates my lacking with His abundance
God, Who qualifies me, just as I am with His grace

And so it’s not perfection that is the goal, but purpose
Hopeful, faith driven purpose
Not disillusioned about who we are
Rather fully aware, moved by a faith that is bigger than our fear and uncertainty

God thank you for being bigger than me, for making a 100 year old man a father, for making water flow in the desert, for fighting our battles, and for redeeming our souls.  You are a God who keeps His promises.  You are powerful.  You are enough.  I trust You.  Forgive my wavering, strengthen my faith for I am weak.  I hope in you.  Let me be about your purpose.  Guide me as I teach and lead and work and wife.  Thank you for my rock of a husband, and for the joy and peace that has been today. You have never expected perfection of me, help me to quit expecting it of myself.

In this season of hope, what is it you need to believe against all hope?

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The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

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