An honest reflection of me- in fragments. Imperfect- Grace Covered. Balance. Mom. Wife.
Nurse. Homeschool Teacher. Christ follower first. Second changes. Thankful.

The nightmare

Friday, March 27, 2015

The darkness gripped me and silence held me hostage, so under my covers I would hide.  Eyes shut tight, awaiting rest to overtake the silence.  But even there, behind my eyes it was dark, and though I ran, fear followed.  I watched helplessly as all I knew to be love and home was stripped away until there was nothing - only me.  Alone, and afraid in the darkness, that's how the nightmares always ended.

But for some it's not a nightmare
Life is a walking dream that doesn't end when eyes open 
Parents loose babies and Daughters lose their Mommas
Cancer steals away time and Time is always fleeting
Husbands cheat, Wives cry and Families get by 
We're all dying

...he [Jesus] became flesh and blood... for only as a human being could he die and in dying break the power of the devil who had the power of death. Only in that way could he deliver those who through fear of death have been living all their lives as slaves to constant dread. 
-- Hebrews 10:14-15

In my nightmares I never died
I was more afraid of living without, of loosing, of watching those I love break than of death itself
But not anymore
Because I know I am never alone, and the One who goes with me is trustworthy
So when the unthinkable happens
When lives break and nightmares become reality
We can choose to be afraid, to run, to freeze, or we can choose to be at peace in His brokenness
Break out of the normal, and the accepted - Walk into that which is beyond your reason
Choose to put your full weight in something that's bigger than yourself, 
Forgive, be forgiven
Love and be loved
Be broken, but don't let the world break you
Because death has no power - and fear is no longer worthy of being called your master

Linking up with Kate Motaung and the 
FMF writers, todays word - Break
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Your "okay" life...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

It starts with believing that HE is real
God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls
And in the beginning
He took pieces of himself and wove them into me, as He did with she

It was real in the garden
Unrelenting, naked relationship
Walking in honesty and sharing life
No hiding, no disguising 
And it was good.

But when Words got twisted and hearts became intrigued then deceived
She sought answers outside of her God-relationship, and pulled her man down with her
They decided that knowing God wasn't enough, being made in His image lacking
And it was not good

But, knowledge made them feel ashamed, instead of godly
This idea of being god made them afraid of God
Covering-up, they pointed fingers, placed blame and deceived even themselves
And the relationship was ruined

And so we live in the harsh in-between
Thorns, Rocks, Pain, Tears
Taking the roads well traveled
Separated from God
Being the god of our own life
And sometimes it's okay
But it's not good.

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls didn't want "okay" for your life
He didn't want you to be separate, hiding, or wandering wide roads
He wanted it to be good [again]

So He became a man; to understand us, live like us [except better] and save us
Son of God
The Savior of our souls
Joy giver
Restorer of relationship
Peace maker
Sacrifice for our sins
Truth speaker
The only man to raise himself from the dead
Word writer
Death conqueror
Good - when I'm not good enough
Mediator and High Priest
Life giver

He laid it ALL down for us so we could lay down the burden of trying to be god
And asks us - do you want more than just okay?
Do you want relationship, peace, forgiveness, life, good?
I wanted less burden more life
So I made Him the King, declared He was my God
Laid down my all
And it is good.

We still have to live in this harsh in-between
It still hurts, it's still hard, I'm still not perfect
But the expanse is removed, the relationship is restored
And we can quit trying to be god and just know Him
He's good
We can stop hiding and blaming and disguising
And be who He made us to be
He called us very good
So we can take the road less traveled
And walk it with God
It's not easy - But it's good 

In the beginning God created, He made man in His own image, from the dust of the ground He formed him, and breathed the breath of life into his nostrils.  Male and female he created them. God saw all that He had made and it was very good.
- Genesis 1 & 2

Linking up today with Holley Gerth
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Perfection Stinks

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

News Flash - I'm not perfect
But, it's wound up tightly inside, hidden deep within -  masked by clean houses, status updates, homeschool planners and messy laundry cabinets kept closed off to the world.
Maybe it's buried inside as a result of the garden failure?
A fall driven by the desire to be like God, to know as He know so we don't have to trust as much?
Trust that He knows us better than we know ourselves, knows our hearts our talents our good and our not good enough.  Trust that He has a plan and a purpose.  Even when our imperfection is on display and perfectly obvious to the world.
He is perfect.  He is the sustainer, all-powerful creator, planner, giver, lover, Father, grace-filled merciful forgiver. But, do I strive so hard to be like Him that I forget I'm not Him?
Wear myself out striving, planning surviving?  Tidying hallways, posting only the shiny happy positives, closing doors, and putting on the face I keep in a jar by the door.
Trust is easier than striving.
And grace.
Grace is infinitely better than failed attempts at perfection.
So I realize, I can't have both grace and striving.
When the Law says LACKING - Grace say LOVED
I need saving
Not striving
His grace is alive, working in me, accomplishing in spite of me
And that is all the perfect I need.

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of  Holley Gerth's - You're Loved No Matter What :Freeing Your Heart From The Need To Be Perfect.  Can't wait to dig into the truths and encouragement she has to offer through her beautifully woven words.

Linking Up today with

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To my Fellow Pediatric Nurses, and Parents of Pediatric Patients Everywhere - HOPE

Being a nurse in the world of pediatrics,
Hope is a banner.
Kids are resilient - neurons find new routes, cells regenerate, walking can be relearned, cancer can be cured, wounds heal, and life can be lived - even if it's lived between hospital visits, surgeries, pokes, probes, pain meds, and possibilities.
We hope -
We hope families show up, and we pray for the ones that do.
Because we see through the Caringbridge posts and Facebook updates.
We see how heavy dreams are and how they slip away.
We see the seizures, and fevers, the sleepless nights, the breathing tubes, IV's and treatments.
We hear the cries and wipe the tears.  We whisper prayers.
We know it hurts you more Mommy and Daddy than it hurts them.  It hurts us too.
This life we live, this job, with it's tubes and wires and babies not breathing on their own it's normal to us - but it's not normal.
We say we're sorry and then we hold them down to draw the blood or change the dressing.
We hate it.  But we don't hate being there for you.  And we hope you know.
We hope to share a smile with them, to see them as you know them, and hope for their wholeness.

Being a nurse in the world of pediatrics
Hope, sometimes, disappoints
Kids aren't always as resilient as we hope - despite our best efforts, cheers, and prayers - life ends.
We don't quit fighting until we're told to, but we do what we're told and then it's time to hold.
Hold hands, little sisters and tearful mothers.  Hold little bodies and invincible teenagers.  Hold out for the next one - because this normal, we know, has proven to us that there will be a next one.
So we hold onto hope.
It's a banner, because we need it to be.
We need to believe that dreams come true, that life can truly be lived between hospital visits, that cancer will be cured, wounds healed, neurons re-routed, cells regenerated, and walking relearned.

We hope you know patients and parents we're hoping with you.
And to my fellow PICU and Pediatric Nurses - never loose hope.
Because HOPE is our banner
And being a nurse in the world of pediatrics requires it.

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Dear Daughter - Don't Date Him

Friday, March 6, 2015

If a piece feels like it's missing
It's not him 
I promise

If you're feeling lonely or lacking
Don't date him
When you're unsure and figuring out what being you looks like
Don't date him

If you think you need him
You don't
Cross my heart

If you think you're the only one without
Don't date him
When you just want to fit but you're not sure if you're round or square
Don't date him

If your heart is longing
His love won't satisfy 
Trust me

If you think you can save him
Don't date him
When you're the one he's going to change for, come to church for, be better for
Don't date him

If your feeling insecure
He won't give you confidence
I know

When you look into the mirror and it's you looking back
When you're fearlessly convinced that you are a uniquely beautiful creation
When you know Who made you and why
When your longing is filled by the true love of a loving Savior
When you is enough, even if you are the only one (you know you're not)
When you're satisfied and confident just as you are
When he doesn't need saving or changing and he's different from all the rest in all the right ways
Then daughter 
Date him

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Giving Up for the Gathering

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Week after week we gather together 
Prioritizing life around something called life-group
It's not legalistic or ritualistic or religious
It's just life
Here, the word fellowship is made real in cups of coffee, cookies and confession 

Gathering is giving up time to show up
And life is more fully lived when people show up
Uniting in forgiveness and the sacrifice of time
Encouragement doesn't come from strangers 
It's found in the faces of the ones who know your heart and your mistakes
And if we don't rub shoulders - how are we going to rub off on each other?

A day is coming when we'll be gathered 
And on the day our Savior shows up I'll be ready because you showed up 
Until then, I need you to rub off on me, encourage me, forgive me, inspire me, love me
And collectively give up for the gathering

Linking up with the  Five Minute Friday writers
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I'm quitting the routine of Church

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

My Sunday looks a lot like yours.
The outfit is never quite right then I get toothpaste on my shirt (just me?)
The kids are arguing about cereal or legos or the pretend game they've just changed the rules to
No one can find the match to the missing shoe
We should have left five minutes ago but he doesn't have a coat and she can't find her Bible
Rushed and tired, a balance of coffee and Jesus keep me going
But Sunday is not restful and this busy often steals the holy from the Sabbath He intended for me

"Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on this day His creation was complete and He rested.  So remember the Sabbath day by setting it apart and keeping it holy."
--Genesis 2:3 & Exodus 20:8--

God didn't need to rest
But He knew I would
So He took a day and made it different than the rest
Set apart
A time for me, for us
Not to be selfish, but to slow down
To worship, to Relish and to Relinquish

A time for being known
Because no one want to be anonymous [all the time]
Called by name, Comforted and Challenged

It's a time to know
Know the God of the universe,
His creativity, His heart, His peculiar, and His love

A time to be overwhelmed by the love of a Savior
Because we are the debtor, the lost, the guilty, the captive
And He came anyway
To pay the debt, save the lost, erase guilt, and rescue

A time for family
Because that's what we become at the foot of the cross
Brothers and Sisters in baptism through the blood of Jesus
Devoted to, Accepting, and Accountable

It's a time for fellowship
Relationship that breaks the boundaries of okay
Food that feeds the heart and the soul

A time to commune,
Surrounded by the presence of God
Because He is even when He is beyond our understanding
Together, Trusting, and  Hoping

A time to serve
Because here your gifts are an expression of His heart and His Spirit
Your time, your talent, offer it worship
It's right to give here, Welcomed, and Needed

It's a time to see and be seen
As we are
Broken, falling short, trying hard, but never good enough
Covered in love and poured out grace
Holy set apart for a purpose

Church shouldn't be a part of our regular routine
It should be that which shakes our norms and rips apart the ordinary
It's the day we wake up early for
The time we anticipate
The service we savor
The fellowship we linger in
And the love we take with us

So I'm quitting my routine of church
And trading it for what He intended - a day that's more than coffee and Jesus, a day that's wholly different from the rest, and truly holy.

For the love of relinquishing, resting and looking forward to Sunday,

Linking up with
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