I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

Dear Daughter - Don't Date Him

If a piece feels like it's missing

It's not him 

I promise

If you're feeling lonely or lacking

Don't date him

When you're unsure and figuring out what being you looks like

Don't date him

If you think you need him

You don't

Cross my heart

If you think you're the only one without

Don't date him

When you just want to fit but you're not sure if you're round or square

Don't date him

If your heart is longing

His love won't satisfy 

Trust me

If you think you can save him

Don't date him

When you're the one he's going to change for, come to church for, be better for

Don't date him

If your feeling insecure

He won't give you confidence

I know

But

When you look into the mirror and it's you looking back

When you're fearlessly convinced that you are a uniquely beautiful creation

When you know Who made you and why

When your longing is filled by the true love of a loving Savior

When you is enough, even if you are the only one (you know you're not)

When you're satisfied and confident just as you are

When he doesn't need saving or changing and he's different from all the rest in all the right ways

Then daughter 

Date him

Just Wait...

"Just wait till you have kids" she would say...never irritated or sarcastic, but enough times that I remembered it 

An honest plea from the depth of her anytime we teased about her worrying heart, or their rules

Just wait

And in the middle of life my waiting happened

And I understand

I grasp what it feels like to have a piece of your heart living outside your body, outside your control, outside your will

Love is full of waiting

Waiting through the pain of their arrival 

And for curfews

Waiting for exhaustion to end while meeting their every need 

And for maturity

Waiting on them to see right, and grasp the love in obedience

And for manners

Waiting through silence, needing them to speak their heart

And for celebrations

Love is patient

And I'm so glad she taught me how to wait

Linking up with the
Five Minute Friday writers over at
katemotaung.com

Mean Girls and the Business of Mankind

Girls are mean

I can say that because I am one

And because it's true

"You'll never know"

That's what she said to my girl, when C asked - "what's your name?"

I could tell you how genuine and kind and sympathetic and big-hearted my girl is...I know I'm biased

But she is all those things

I listened quietly as she processed from the back seat,

"At first I thought she was kidding Mom, but she never did tell me her name...and I think she was serious"

Then she cried 

And I did too

Because she's mine and 

Girls. Are.  Mean.

What if when I woke up today, and tomorrow and every day I had only one objective

One thing to cross of my to-do list

One thing to get right

Love

Love my neighbor as myself

And what if even that snotty, little, "you'll never know" girl is considered my neighbor

Love her like I love my own little girl?  Like I love myself?

Could I check it off?

Could the business of mankind be my every day?

And...

What if one thing

Could be THE thing?

What if we cared about each other the same amount as we care about ourselves?

The man pushing his cart walking up the block, the cashier at the grocery store, 

The barista, the bank teller, the co-worker, the friend, 

The Mom, the sister, the Father, the brother, the husband, the wife, the child, 

The next door neighbor, the student, the teacher, the coach, the player,  

The father-less, the home-less, the well-to-do, 

The hard to get along with, the undeserving, the one who doesn't treat you like you deserve?

The every man, woman and child of mankind 

"Business! cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again.  "Mankind was my business.  The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business.  The dealings of my trade but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"..."Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down..." -- "A Christmas Carol," Charles Dickens

So I wonder
I wonder if I'm being the neighbor I need to be?
I wonder what my everyday would look like if I made it about this one thing?
And, I wonder what the world would look like?
If my eyes didn't look down?
If they met yours, and saw the need, the hurt, the fun, the happiness, the humanity
And what if I teach her to do the same?
What if we made mankind the business of our everyday?
What if everyone was a neighbor - A neighbor who loved?

...serve one another in love.  The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself" 

- Galatians 5:13b-14

The Christmas Letter Cop-out

You know what I'm really good at?

Decorating and baking and hosting and gifting and going 

AND getting overwhelmed and selfish and irritable and lost in the middle of all the traditions

Last October God gave me a message

"Un-Clutter your Christmas"

And then he asked me to share it...so I have (twice)

Want to hear it? Or share it with your Church group?  Or book club? Shoot me an email!

I'm also working on applying it!

Step Twelve - quit stressing about stamps and signatures, write an e-Christmas letter without guilt

Step Thirteen - have the kids contribute their own updates

Gunn Kid updates:

I am E.  I like building with legos, playing video games, playing basketball, hanging out with friends, and playing guitar.  I am 9 years old.  I have been playing the guitar for one year and my favorite song to play right now is Hark the Herald Angels Sing (because it's Christmas time).  We have had a good homeschool year, it has gone a lot smoother than last year.  I enjoy doing Advent as a family it is a fun counting down the days until Christmas.  Merry Christmas!

My name is CGG.  I am 7 years old.  I like playing with my stuffed animals, and hanging out with friends.  I love my cat Ellie because she is fluffy and cute, I love dogs too but Dad won't let us get one.  My favorite restaurant is Chipotle and I love to bake cookies with Mom.  Ethan is nine and he's the best brother in the world.  I do theatre and will be in the musical Cinderella in February.  I have had a good year of school, it is has gone a lot smoother than last year.  Merry Christmas!

They also included our ages as well as lists of their friends names and school subjects, but I thought I'd edit that out.

So homeschool...

The consensus among the students is it's a lot smoother than last year.  

Funny they used the same language

And I agree, year two has provided us with a sense of our new normal and a schedule that's manageable.  While everyday is different and being both Mom and teacher has it's challenges I wouldn't trade the time I get to spend with them each day for anything.

As for the J and I ten years later he still holds my hand

Love changes but it's never boring or tiring and it's amazing how it grows with us

Still a feeling but also an action

Stronger and deeper when we choose to be faithful in all the little things

God is REAL 

Jesus came

He's coming again 

The Holy Spirit guides 

And we hope you will experience these truths in your everyday

Our life is simple but overflowing

And we're thankful

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Acting not Reacting

Eyes squinted and face hardened 
Fingers twist into fists, his arms encompass himself as he stuffs his words
And he holds himself there
Emotions overtaking reason and right
Angry, Hurt
Captive

Eyes fill with salty tears that stream hot across her reddened cheeks
Words come out staccato as she buries her head in my lap
And she looses herself there
Emotions overriding logic and sense
Dramatic, Grieved
Jailed

Growing up is emotional
But life doesn't get less emotional just because you grow up...
I may not twist my fingers into fists, cross my arms or bury my head to cry
Then again...

So I'm taller and more experienced
But I fall captive to my emotions too
There are a lot of adults who are just simply, taller
I don't want to be that kind of adult
Or raise those kind of adults

I don't want to be tongue tied with anger, or walled up in a jail of emotion
I don't want to react in the moment
I want to ACT with intention
And maybe that's the difference between growing up and just growing taller
Learning how to act - in spite of emotion
Coping and expressing
Speaking through anger into a place of peace
Asking for forgiveness
Crying tears of joy, repentance, and renewal
Choosing to look up instead of inside
Giving when taking would be easier
Living purposefully
Forgiving and forgetting
Relying on Someone bigger than myself, bigger than my emotions
Acting not Reacting

So in his defiant anger I'll hold him tight and wait patiently for the words to come
As she cries I'll stroke her hair, listening to the whys and dry her tears
And we'll learn together how to tear down the bars of emotion that hold us captive
How to live intentionally acting instead of reacting

6 Questions to Ask about Smart Phones

It's at our fingertips
Whistling, Beeping, Notifying, Ringing
Seldom ringing, but constantly beckoning
Information, Connection, Entertainment and Distraction
Packaged neatly as normal and necessary

Accessible information is trusted, not discerned
I am entertained but being a consumer is consuming
When we're together it takes us away
And distraction siphons purpose

I see it in me and I see it in them
Anticipation, Preoccupation, Attachment, Dependency
On this thing, this noisy object that beeps and pulls and distracts and fits in my pocket
Normal?  Yes
But necessary?

I remember life without it
All rings sounded the same and they weren't screened, just answered
I didn't stare at it, or sit by it and it couldn't fit in my pocket
That was then
So what of the now
Because I'm not going backward, and it's not going to stop beckoning or being available

I've got to find the different within this new normal
And I've got to show them how to navigate this world of disconnected connection

Because
We have the internet in the palm of our hands
And typing words seems more convenient than speaking them
Via #selfie, pin, status update, snap or tweet
Social Media will continue to give us a glimpse into the days one second of perfection, or the occasional post of authenticity
We are going to have information about people without real relationship
And apps will continue to challenge us; to cut the rope, be a ninja of fruit, crush the candy, run through the temple, flap the bird, connect the dots, clash the clan or craft the mine

But I find myself in the middle of a battle with what's normal and feeling overly distracted, attached and dependent
I don't have the answers...But I have some questions

   1. Am I more engaged with a device than the life that's happening around me?
   2. Can I see snap shots of others perfect second without comparing, complaining or judging?
   3. Am I the same person in real life as in text, tweet, status, and selfie?
   4. Do they see my eyes on them more than on a screen?
   5. What are my habits formed around?
   6. When I look back in fifty years what am I going to remember about right now?

I want to remember, with printed pictures, penned notes, memories made -me and him and them, candidly - Sad, happy, loss, joy, failure, trying, living, giving - and most of all God's faithfulness
I want to form habits that are healthy, and life giving, encouraging and beneficial
I want them to see the flecks of gold in my eyes looking intently back into theirs, engaged in their make-believe and interested in what excites them, because they're not going to care what I think for much longer
I want to live with integrity - if I wouldn't say it to your face I'm not going to type it, I'll be honest in my posts or not post at all
If we haven't spoken in six months maybe I don't need to know about your perfect second?
I'm not going to waste time comparing, and if I don't then I won't have anything to complain about
As for silently judgment - forgive me - I'm learning that mercy triumphs
I don't want to wake up to a  screen, but to the sun
I want to kiss him, drink coffee, pray, love and live a life that's bigger than likes, re-tweets, favorites, likes, "friends", "followers", re-pins, top-scores and screens

Trusting the Titanic

When man's claim of impossible drained of evidence
The frozen water rushed in
They said he followed instruction
They say he set her aside - her with his smile and her mother's eyes- into the rescue boat

The one that rowed away, carrying freezing souls to a place of dry and safe, to live one more day

They said he searched the ship and icy water for survivors

As warm red slowly crystallized and hearts stopped their beating - he used his last breath to seek out the dying that they might have a chance to live

Not those dying as result of the life thieving cold - but to save those whose souls were sinking long before the unsinkable ship began it's descent

Those whose cause of death was life lived within the lie - that to be the master of your own soul is really living

He was John Harper

Photo Credit - http://www.nowtheendbegins.com/pages/preachers/john-harper.htm

I'm frozen in the how...

How do you jump into the wreckage

Leaving behind that which was entrusted to you

How do you strive and seek to save lives not knowing if that little soul - the one with your eyes and his smile - will know salvation without you?

Trust

...your children I will save - Isaiah 49:25

Trust, that if he's big enough to save me - He's big enough to save them
And understand their souls aren't mine for the saving
They're His

So in the middle of trusting
Their mine to love
To model for, to challenge, to teach, to show grace
Mine to offer hope, to encourage, to build up, to hold
And mine to [someday] release
Her, with my eyes of green and daddy's smile
Him, with my smile and daddy's eyes
So for this moment that they're mine
I'll do my best, ask for forgiveness for the rest
And trust

Unplanned Pregnancy

My eyes locked into the depth of his brown eyes
I had never know such need, such joy, such love, such exhaustion
Everyday, was new
New sounds, smells, sleep schedules, snuggles, tiny achievements
Little fingers and toes
Growing faster than I imagined ever possible
I awoke drained, nursed, napped, and lived tired
One-hundred-eighty days - passed like a blink
Overflowing with this new needy love

And then an unsettled feeling in the pit my stomach that wouldn't ease
I awoke tired and and the weariness seemed almost unbearable
Two-lines; the test showed two lines, as did the second, and when the third  read "pregnant..."
I cried
Because I'd have two babies
Because this was not my plan
And because the one with brown eyes was going to have to grow up
I cried
Because I wasn't ready
And because I couldn't imagine there being enough love or enough of me

My doubts didn't keep her from coming

Fast-forward almost eight years later
I'm not enough
I can't be exactly what they need all the time
I make mistakes
I don't always understand what they need, other times I don't know how to give or get through
I get distracted
And I'm learning it's okay to not be enough 
Because as they grow, I'm growing too
In the middle of living
I'm learning how to be their Mom
So, I pray they forgive and forget all my faults, my questions, my not enough

But love...
From the moment I heard the beat of her heart there was enough 
As her life within me grew, and my stomach expanded to her form
My heart began to overflow anew
In spite of me, because of her, love grew
Multiplied by the lives that needed
And so eyes of blue and brown hold me fixed in years of change and new
As I learn the depth of their hearts, their God woven personalities, needs and passions
I give out of the love that forever is growing with us
Trusting that love covers
And that loving deeply will be enough


I will forever be amazed at the love of a God who calls the imperfect to know the perfect, then floods us with love, grace and affords us the opportunity to shape little lives.  Being a Mom has convicted me of selfishness, pride and complacency.  Being a Mom has made me want to choose different, and be present.  I now seek and pray from a place of need, like an unquenchable thirst, I need God's guidance, love and Word like never before.  Being a Mom has shown me how to love, and it's given me a glimpse of how God loves - and His love is enough.  Planned or unplanned God is, and HE is enough.

Linking up with Holley Gerth at Coffee for your heart

 Meredith Bernard talking #woman2woman
And with Kate Motaung  - Five Minute Friday

The Everyday Privilege

With the dripping of time, the day wears
Hands grow numb to the holding, and arms accustom to the embrace
Lashes blink back at his gaze and lips purse instinctively instead of passionately
Words escape without intention, moments pass, and life drifts

As my eyes close in rest -  I give no thought to their opening
Because tomorrow...
Tomorrow has always been
Tomorrow is filled with plans and purpose and expectation of being
But what if today was my last tomorrow
What of my today?

Today I awoke
Today I held
Today I listened
Today I believed
Today I read and embraced and forgave and cried
Today I had him
Today he walked in faith
Today he looked at me like he couldn't look away
Today he made me laugh
Today he prayed and encouraged and carried and kissed
Today they called me Mom
Today they hugged
Today they were loud
Today they made me frustrated and proud
Today they whispered and imagined and questioned and played
Today we were
And we loved

So if my eyes close and they neglect to open again
Today I knew love
Love that spans eternity
And
I knew them
In long loving glances
In moments of frustration and pride
In forgiveness
In laughter and loud silly noises
In enjoyment
In imaginary worlds and words
In intertwined fingers and lingering embrace
And if it were my last tomorrow
I had the privilege of loving

So if I awake to a tomorrow with them
My hands will revel the holding, and arms will cherish the embrace
Lashes won't blink, instead, eyes will hold his gaze, Lips will flush with affection
Words won't escape - they'll be purposed, moments will be captured and life lived
Because time drips and wears
But our numbered tomorrows are not to be wasted
They're to be lived
Cherishing our everyday privilege - to love
Chasing after the One who loved us first
Accepting the challenge for everyday to be filled with a love that moves, fills, and lives through the moment into eternity

The Indispensable Weaker Woman

When I as little I created a fantastic game
"My Way Day"
It's a pretty self explanatory game
1. Wake Up
2. Decide to play "My Way Day"
3. Enlist younger brother
4. Follow the rule, there's only one, do whatever the person who has dubbed it their day wants to do
What?  You don't think anyone would want to play that with you?
5. Promise your brother you'll play "their way day" tomorrow
6. Enjoy bossing everyone around for the day
7. Decide not to play "their way day" tomorrow

Yes, that really happened, and Mom says that Joshua did everything I told him too...insert your judgment of me here

As a big sister to two brothers I grew up bossing and snake catching and racing and wrestling.
I was one of them; just as strong, just as fast, just as tough - until I wasn't
And I didn't want to be
But I didn't want to be less either
Because we live in this world where women and men are equal
Except we're not

This month is all about being different, exploring it, embracing it, and living it
Men/Women not on my list
But then I read this verse in 1 Peter
"Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner..."
The verse doesn't stop there but my brain did - because I resented being called weaker
My husband will tell you I'm not weaker - I birthed two babies
A part of me wondered if it was a translation error
So I pulled up Biblegateway.com and kept reading
It was not a translation error
King James, New American Standard, New English, even The Message and The Good News translation
**there are an excessive amount of English Bible translations - another topic for another day**
All translations said weaker, but what they didn't say was less
The verse goes on to say "...AND as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life..."

Weaker
But not less

From day one
I was different from my brothers, because I was a girl
Form birth I had more body fat, they had more muscle
And the hormones that spark reactions in my brain are specific to me, theirs designed for them
Designed
We're not the same because we're not made to be
And
I am weaker
I can't win in arm wrestling, do as many push-ups or beat my nine year old in a 100 yard dash
My roller-coaster of emotion muddies my judgment, winds up my tongue, and sometimes I worry if it's been too long since my last cry
But that doesn't mean I'm less
It just means I am how I was designed to be

"...those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable...there should be no division in the body, but its parts should have equal concern for each other." - 1 Corinthians 12:22,25

Indispensable
Heir
Equally valued
Acknowledging her weakness
Learning how to be okay with my design
Trusting
And Thankful
Thankful that no one in my life ever defined me or treated me as less
But as just me

So I'll raise my girl with a boys name to know she can be herself
And my boy who beats me at foot races to know he has a responsibility
To value life, and each other
As ones designed different but equally valued and loved

Linking up with Meredith -here 

- encouraging women, about women stuff 

And Holley Gerth @ Coffee for your Heart

To All Those Who Have Ever Felt Different

To My Two Darling Children - I love you for who you are

(And to all those in the world who have ever felt different)

There is this common phrase, it's infiltrated our schools, our work places, our political agendas, our churches and even our thought life.  

"We don't want anyone to feel different"

I remember the feeling

It sinks heavy to the pit of your stomach

Different

Size, Skill, Skin color, Beauty, Voice, Comfort in a crowd, 

Presence, Body language, Temperament, Personality, 

I was tall, my legs long and big, my voice carried, my hair was frizzy, but my eyes pretty  

I was poised on the outside but inside insecure, quiet and shy in a crowd, caring but unsure

Myself with only a few

Caught in comparison - different felt like a bad thing

And comparison, It causes us to doubt that different was designed

So at first listen

"We don't want anyone to feel different"

Sounds harmless, good, maybe even a little like equality

And I am for equality
But I am NOT for an equality that drains the color, individuality, and God infused uniqueness from the world

I want to feel different
And
I want you to feel different

Different is defined as: "separate or distinct, not identical, unusual, not ordinary, differing"

You are distinct - the ONLY you

From your finger prints and skin color to the way you process emotion

You are not not identical

From the curve of your lips to the width of your hips,
From allergies to peanuts, gluten, bees, pollen and cats
To the cow lick in your hair, the way your joints bend or the way you clumsily fall into a room
Embrace the way you were made, and treat your body well

You are unusual

Built uniquely with your own strengths, weaknesses, passions, ingenuity and intelligence

Don't compare and don't conform 

Know your weaknesses, grow your strengths, pursue the passion implanted within you 

Be creative, and be intelligent enough to understand the difference between Truth and knowledge (there is a difference)

You are not ordinary - you are beautiful

Fashioned with the color of the heavens in your eyes, tones of the earth in your hair and the unfading beauty that is the outpouring of your heart
Your heart, not the bleeding beating organ but the emotional guts that drive hands to help, a spirit to pray and a body to rest

You differ

Born to lead or teach or comfort or follow and each, with their own set of responsibilities 

If to lead, lead well

If to teach, teach truth

If to comfort, comfort wholly and freely

If to follow, follow wisely

You are separate 

Created with talents, and skills unlike any other

These are for you to use, not to squander in selfishness or bury in fear 

Use them for the glory of the One who made you

For the relief and refreshment of a world in need
And for the betterment of others

I am different

And

You are different

What if we stop being afraid of different?
What if we start celebrating it?
Talking about it?
Building a world that didn't judge it or waste time comparing

What if we look into a room of color and uniqueness and felt like a missing piece of the puzzle

Instead of something that didn't fit in? 

What if we decided to feel different?

Ready for Goodbye

How do you prepare a heart to ache

Or ready arms for emptiness

Because too soon she will be far away

Her hugs and wild hair

Her silly voice, imagination and spontaneity

Two peas

And she's not ready to go a week without her

I'm not ready 

And so I hold her and we ready 

Ready our hearts 

And whisper what goodbye for now means

While making plans for road trips and Skype dates

Because our readiness doesn't determine how this life goes

Life just goes

And we get to choose how to react

So we look at maps and measure miles in time 

We make plans

And talk about how forever isn't disrupted by distance

But until the day that goodbye is required

Two peas they remain 

Living between make-believe and reality, surrounded by barbies, running with abandon, holding hands, overflowing with passion for everything life and hugging tightly 

Linking Up with Kate Motaung and the Five Minute Friday Writers

Writing for five minutes about one word.

All I Needed Was To Say Thank You

It was a morning...
A REAL honest, hard morning
I woke up with that feeling in my chest, you know the one...it's tight because your mind awakes reeling with the list.  It's going to be busy, and in the middle of it all they are going to need you
Good morning God I whisper, but the list interrupts His time and I don't wait for Him to answer

Runny eggs, bagels, giggles, silliness, beautiful - loud child-like behavior, conversation about pokemon, and some imaginary person whose name escapes me, and a prayer in Jesus name for the day ahead.
Over-view of school work to be completed, appointments, a time-line for the day and this one little thing
"Your chore today is to unload the dishwasher after breakfast"
Go team...
But it seems like I'm the only one going, and I can't enjoy them being seven and eight
Because after eighteen reminders
It's not done
And I come undone
Worn down from the asking, it's heavy, and the feeling in my chest tightens and I feel tired
How can I be tired?
But the time for appointments is now, or more like five minutes ago
The gas tank is empty
And still it gets heavier - the day - and over what?
Dishes?

But it's not the dishes
It's the obedience, but more than that it's my lack of patience, and self-reliance
So in the quiet of the car with eyes on the road, but heart open to Him
I speak His name, and beg Him for help
Less of me, MORE of Him,
That His Spirit would take over because I'm a mess and missing it
And when I think of Him
I can't help but thank Him
Thank Him for giving me two amazing kids who act their age, and who are learning how to show love in their actions, because it is a learned thing - love in action, something I'm still learning with them
Pleading
I need His forgiveness
For the times I neglect to love Him with my actions, times I miss loving them with my actions
And I thank Him
I thank Him for His grace and patience with me
Patience
Because the list is long;
Moments I wasted walking away, in ignorance or selfish disobedience, disregarding instruction, too loud, or too busy to listen,
And still, He's never given up on me
He listens,
He gives me more grace,
His Word,
His counsel,
He gently reminds me what obedience looks like
And
How grace feels
How
Grace
FEELS
I exhale and the heaviness starts to lift
Because with thanksgiving I give Him my day, my list, my kids, my heart
Eyes open
Quietly driving them
Late to appointments
Overwhelmed with the weightlessness of this needy gratitude
It's not easy to surrender,
I can't put it into words, but it's lighter
And I am grateful

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday - today's prompt is Grateful.

 

These are the [homeschool] lessons I didn't plan

Time
The kind you can't measure with hands on a clock
This time is measured in heart beats and moments
Building an impromptu scale-model of Noah's ark
Laughing together, and at ourselves
Drinking hot tea in the afternoon
Sharing tears and a long hug after eight minutes spent in the corner
Watching him grow to care about her
Watching them become friends
Playing in the rain
Sitting with the sun on our faces doing math or art or just sitting
Realizing I need to be still, and present, and here
Here
For the question I would have missed - but didn't

Arithmetic
The kind you can't make perfect sense of or memorize
This addition is life - relationships, joy and trust
This subtraction is self and all the good things that weren't right things
Because this year was going to be about ME - rest, writing, going to the gym, serving
And then it wasn't
It wasn't about me at all, but about the subtraction of me
Stripping away my ideas, and my plans - replacing them with right ones
Being faithful
Capturing joy
Learning to ask for help
Finding community and being intentional
Trusting
Living authentically - Sharing the best in each other, forgiving the worst
Being faithful with His plan
His timing
His kids

I am certain this is His plan, and what He wants of me, of us
The echos of my pleas resounds in my memory
My defiance, bargaining and uncertainty
Contrasted by His answer, His patience, His faithfulness and His goodness

All these lessons I didn't plan
He planned for me
I am learning
How to be faithful, and joyful, and need Him
How to cherish them
How to embrace the ways they are like me and the ways they are distinct
His quiet determination and concrete deep thinking
Her bold self-confidence and imagination
Learning that's it's okay they see me tired, and messy and real
And
It's okay I need their forgiveness
It's okay for me to need
And to learn
Because
Time, doesn't pause
Second by second, day ticks away into night
And every night into a new day
Until the days blur together and the time is gone
A temporary now
Yet, the more I subtract myself the more I find myself in Him
Real, Renewed, Needing Him
But unexplainably fulfilled
Joy in faithfulness and shepherding and unplanned homeschooling
Hopeful for an eternal someday
Where I won't be a mess,
But where we will still be together
Just better
Understanding each other's hearts
And sharing His

And for now...I get to teach them