My eyes locked into the depth of his brown eyes
I had never know such need, such joy, such love, such exhaustion
Everyday, was new
New sounds, smells, sleep schedules, snuggles, tiny achievements
Little fingers and toes
Growing faster than I imagined ever possible
I awoke drained, nursed, napped, and lived tired
One-hundred-eighty days - passed like a blink
Overflowing with this new needy love
And then an unsettled feeling in the pit my stomach that wouldn't ease
I awoke tired and and the weariness seemed almost unbearable
Two-lines; the test showed two lines, as did the second, and when the third read "pregnant..."
I cried
Because I'd have two babies
Because this was not my plan
And because the one with brown eyes was going to have to grow up
I cried
Because I wasn't ready
And because I couldn't imagine there being enough love or enough of me
My doubts didn't keep her from coming
Fast-forward almost eight years later
I'm not enough
I can't be exactly what they need all the time
I make mistakes
I don't always understand what they need, other times I don't know how to give or get through
I get distracted
And I'm learning it's okay to not be enough
Because as they grow, I'm growing too
In the middle of living
I'm learning how to be their Mom
So, I pray they forgive and forget all my faults, my questions, my not enough
But love...
From the moment I heard the beat of her heart there was enough
As her life within me grew, and my stomach expanded to her form
My heart began to overflow anew
In spite of me, because of her, love grew
Multiplied by the lives that needed
And so eyes of blue and brown hold me fixed in years of change and new
As I learn the depth of their hearts, their God woven personalities, needs and passions
I give out of the love that forever is growing with us
Trusting that love covers
And that loving deeply will be enough
I will forever be amazed at the love of a God who calls the imperfect to know the perfect, then floods us with love, grace and affords us the opportunity to shape little lives. Being a Mom has convicted me of selfishness, pride and complacency. Being a Mom has made me want to choose different, and be present. I now seek and pray from a place of need, like an unquenchable thirst, I need God's guidance, love and Word like never before. Being a Mom has shown me how to love, and it's given me a glimpse of how God loves - and His love is enough. Planned or unplanned God is, and HE is enough.
Linking up with Holley Gerth at Coffee for your heart
5 comments:
Beautiful.
A wonderful reminder today.
Thank you!
So true. I remember wondering if I'd have enough love for my second pregnancy -- I had twins before. But I learned that our hearts grow. God covers our love with His own. Very beautiful. Visiting from Holley's and Meredith's.
I could have written this exact post only except for it being 180 days, it was just half that. I had our eldest daughter in December of 2006 and then just three months later got pregnant with daughter number two. She was born in November 2007. They are 11 months and 6 days apart. I remember wondering so much if I would have enough love for both of them. Like you, it is now 8 years past the birth of my eldest and I feel like I mess up a lot, but I also know that I love both of them (and their baby sister who is almost 2.5 years old now) with a love that I never could have imagined. Isn't it amazing how our love doesn't divide with new additions but multiplies? It is a wonderful reflection of the way God loves because His love is endless and has no limits. :) God bless you and your sweet little loves! Stopping by from FMF!
Wow, Jamie, God's plans really ARE different from ours sometimes. Thank you for this beautiful post, beautiful testimony. May the Lord continue to grow you strong and loving as you take care of your kids. (Visiting from five minute Friday)
"And I'm learning it's okay to not be enough. Because as they grow, I'm growing too." Yes and amen - so amazing that God gives us these lives to care for - these arrows in our quiver - and they point us straight to Him! Beautiful words, Jamie - just beautiful.
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