From the time we're little we learn how to earn
Positives and negatives are Reinforced by rewards and reprimands

Victory
Trust
Money
Spankings
Respect
Happiness
Wisdom
Freedom
Punishment
Titles

Earned, through our act of being, our choices, our caring
And, yet at times it seems by sheer luck, misfortune or fate
But it's all earned

And love...
Love is easy to fall into, it's chemistry and connection until it becomes work
And trying and caring
And sacrifice
And REAL
And then it's easy to fall out of
And we learn,
Love too is earned,
Earned when we perform, and put out or put on the facade of something we're not
Earned when we look right and agree and give until there's nothing left
And then it's gone
Lost to the self-seeking temporary of the world
Leaving us empty and believing we may not be worth it

But I know of a freedom that's free
And Of a joy that overrides the happiest of happiness
There's wisdom that's gained by simply asking
A title that can never be stripped away
And a LOVE that is without exception or expiration

God demonstrates His love for us in this; while we were still His enemies, Christ died for us

- Romans 5:8 -

God chose you
Before you knew you needed Him
Before you believed He was real
Before you tried
In the middle of your lacking and mess and sin and fighting Him for control
He paid the ransom
And the victory is found in our giving up
Opposite of all we've ever known is this gift of grace
Ours for the receiving
He calls you daughter, son, beautiful child of the King
You're free from the bondage of sin
There's peace and joy and wisdom and rest in His arms
And He loves you now
As He always has
And always will
Without exception or expiration

[Christian Girls] Stop making 'husband lists'

My sweet sisters,

You proudly proclaim God as sovereign and Lord and resign to His timing in so much of your life, 

But, concerning the husband list we've lost sight of who God is

I've too often heard "I made my husband list and two weeks later my prince charming showed up, now two months later we're engaged and..."

Stop.  Stop, advertising God as a genie 

Genies give you what YOU want. 

But, God - He gives you something infinitely better, He gives you what you need.

Genies don't care about you, it's their job to grant your wish

With a genie you're in control

God cares about you, He cares about your soul, your eternity, your heart and your everyday

Not because it's His job to care, but because it's His nature

You know who else we advertise God to be when we claim our hand-written husband list brought us our God-given, Jesus-loving husband wrapped up neatly with all the qualities and characteristics we requested?

Santa Claus

Stop it.  You know that's not who God is

He is too worthy, and too good to be compared to such a character

Santa brings gifts to the good girls

God gives His gift freely to all the bad ones

And what of our unattached Christian friends?

What about their lists and their desires?

What about their waiting and hopes and heart aches?

Does God love you more?  Love them less?

Of course not.

So why in this one area do we advertise God to be any different than we know Him to be in all things?

Sometimes, I think it's mindless - it's how our life happened and we don't stop to think of how we're representing God

Then there's always the long-shot that our desires are exactly the same as God's (I wouldn't bank on it though) 

But, I fear mostly it's that we think a little more of ourselves than we ought in respect to how much control we have over this life

What if instead of writing 'husband lists' we started writing a helper list?

A list that consisted of our weaknesses, and strengths 

A list of our needs and inadequacies 

A list of our hearts desires, even if they don't match God's

A list filled with an honest plea to let God be in control, and to be used by Him

What we we started asking God to grow in us the qualities that make us worthy of being called His daughters, daughters that can be a good helper?

What if we started asking God what His expectations are of us, instead of expecting Him to deliver for us.

What if we asked God to be our sustainer, and believed He could be - even when it feels lonely.

What if we prayed that our lives would be a blessing to God, instead of asking Him to bless us.

What if we want a husband, what if we want to be a wife?

Then tell God, and wait patiently

And in the waiting you can remind Him, ask again and revise your help-list 

Making it full of honesty, emotion, and even more questions  - knowing God will provide the answers

Sister, stay focused on God

Make your list about loving Him, serving Him and trusting Him,

Not about a someday human him

God created you beautifully, and uniquely. 

Your life is not an accident, the mistakes, the heart aches, the successes and joys.  

The good He rejoices in, The ugly He redeems.

You are His treasure

Is He yours?

Maybe your purpose is to be a helper, but until that day comes.

Be His daughter

Because that is more than enough.

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

I'm not okay - and you don't have to be either...

I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting

Unplanned Pregnancy

My eyes locked into the depth of his brown eyes
I had never know such need, such joy, such love, such exhaustion
Everyday, was new
New sounds, smells, sleep schedules, snuggles, tiny achievements
Little fingers and toes
Growing faster than I imagined ever possible
I awoke drained, nursed, napped, and lived tired
One-hundred-eighty days - passed like a blink
Overflowing with this new needy love

And then an unsettled feeling in the pit my stomach that wouldn't ease
I awoke tired and and the weariness seemed almost unbearable
Two-lines; the test showed two lines, as did the second, and when the third  read "pregnant..."
I cried
Because I'd have two babies
Because this was not my plan
And because the one with brown eyes was going to have to grow up
I cried
Because I wasn't ready
And because I couldn't imagine there being enough love or enough of me

My doubts didn't keep her from coming

Fast-forward almost eight years later
I'm not enough
I can't be exactly what they need all the time
I make mistakes
I don't always understand what they need, other times I don't know how to give or get through
I get distracted
And I'm learning it's okay to not be enough 
Because as they grow, I'm growing too
In the middle of living
I'm learning how to be their Mom
So, I pray they forgive and forget all my faults, my questions, my not enough

But love...
From the moment I heard the beat of her heart there was enough 
As her life within me grew, and my stomach expanded to her form
My heart began to overflow anew
In spite of me, because of her, love grew
Multiplied by the lives that needed
And so eyes of blue and brown hold me fixed in years of change and new
As I learn the depth of their hearts, their God woven personalities, needs and passions
I give out of the love that forever is growing with us
Trusting that love covers
And that loving deeply will be enough


I will forever be amazed at the love of a God who calls the imperfect to know the perfect, then floods us with love, grace and affords us the opportunity to shape little lives.  Being a Mom has convicted me of selfishness, pride and complacency.  Being a Mom has made me want to choose different, and be present.  I now seek and pray from a place of need, like an unquenchable thirst, I need God's guidance, love and Word like never before.  Being a Mom has shown me how to love, and it's given me a glimpse of how God loves - and His love is enough.  Planned or unplanned God is, and HE is enough.

Linking up with Holley Gerth at Coffee for your heart

 Meredith Bernard talking #woman2woman
And with Kate Motaung  - Five Minute Friday

The Everyday Privilege

With the dripping of time, the day wears
Hands grow numb to the holding, and arms accustom to the embrace
Lashes blink back at his gaze and lips purse instinctively instead of passionately
Words escape without intention, moments pass, and life drifts

As my eyes close in rest -  I give no thought to their opening
Because tomorrow...
Tomorrow has always been
Tomorrow is filled with plans and purpose and expectation of being
But what if today was my last tomorrow
What of my today?

Today I awoke
Today I held
Today I listened
Today I believed
Today I read and embraced and forgave and cried
Today I had him
Today he walked in faith
Today he looked at me like he couldn't look away
Today he made me laugh
Today he prayed and encouraged and carried and kissed
Today they called me Mom
Today they hugged
Today they were loud
Today they made me frustrated and proud
Today they whispered and imagined and questioned and played
Today we were
And we loved

So if my eyes close and they neglect to open again
Today I knew love
Love that spans eternity
And
I knew them
In long loving glances
In moments of frustration and pride
In forgiveness
In laughter and loud silly noises
In enjoyment
In imaginary worlds and words
In intertwined fingers and lingering embrace
And if it were my last tomorrow
I had the privilege of loving

So if I awake to a tomorrow with them
My hands will revel the holding, and arms will cherish the embrace
Lashes won't blink, instead, eyes will hold his gaze, Lips will flush with affection
Words won't escape - they'll be purposed, moments will be captured and life lived
Because time drips and wears
But our numbered tomorrows are not to be wasted
They're to be lived
Cherishing our everyday privilege - to love
Chasing after the One who loved us first
Accepting the challenge for everyday to be filled with a love that moves, fills, and lives through the moment into eternity

Empty Love

His eyes light with the love he held for me
And mine locked on his
Ten years ago we said I do
He said he wouldn't cry and I knew I would
He did
Overwhelmed with a joy that I had not known existed
Until that moment when I was his
 In front of God and everyone
Eternally free to grow with him, laugh with him, hold his hand, and be with him

 For better or worse
And when the worse came it drained our joy
Until we were empty and tired And the love was changed but for the better, stronger, more
And Still "I do" and "He does"
Because when love doesn't feel like it should, it becomes an action
And love does
It wasn't about us but about eternity
 And how we wanted to be found there - together
And how right now, matters And how we weren't good enough for each other, but God was good enough for both of us
Until the joy resurfaced and it was better
Not because we were better
 But because God is a God of love, a God of action and of miracles
And because we learned how to love each other

He loves me with empty things
Like laundry baskets and washing machines, and dishwashers and open car doors
He loves me with patience and understand and silence and time
And how he fills my empty hand with his
(he learned that from his parents) 
He loves me by listening and asking
He loves me by leading me in a way that doesn't feel lead
And I've learned how to let him
He loves me by the emptying of himself
And that kind of love makes me want to be empty for him too
He fills my gaps

This love we share works because, it's empty
It's empty of ourselves
We're not perfect
But God is
And I'm trust Him to keep leading us in the pursuit of this empty love
Love that
Moves and breathes and gives and tries and builds up and forgives and feels and hopes and keeps
Love that is enough when I'm not

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8