I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

When Life's not what You had Planned, The Unseen Journey

I've been on a silent journey
For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you

I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you

Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you

You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains

The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth

But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)

I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty

She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same

There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same

God, 
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days, 
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them 
And change me because of them

It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living

I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

Name Calling - Sticks and Stones

Sticks break, stones crumble, bones heal
But words
When carelessly flung into the space we live in quickly become a weapon of self-destruction
We calculate their meaning, intention, truth
They linger in thought
They hurt
The wounds of words tear at the inside where no one can see
And where healing is hidden
Words leave calloused scars
Callouses that harden hearts, build up walls against relationship and deconstruct self-worth
Words spoken
Words perceived
And words whispered in thought
Words hurt, and destroy
But they don't have to...

No word carelessly spoken has the power to shape us
Unless we let it
But scars are
And thoughts need capturing to undo the power of weapon words

There is a Word that's meant to shape
A Word to replace all the captured thoughts
A Word meant to bind up hurting heart and heal scars

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning.  Through Him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."  - John 1:1-5

Words can destroy
But this Word
Is life
Healing
Relationship
Light
Truth
And a new name
Child of God - the only name meant to define us

"To all who received him, to those who believe in his name, he gave the right to be called children of God" -- John 1:12

Sometimes I am my own biggest bully
But not today, today I will call myself the name I was given
Child
And I will speak with intention - to share truth, build up, and encourage

What name have you allowed to define you?

What word do you need to hear and believe today?

Worth > Dresses and Dances

#TBT Prom 1999 and 2000 

To all of you thinking about Prom AND For those of you who went [or didn't] a life-time ago.

Stomach in knots, anticipation, expectation,
Awaiting the ask, or searching for the dress
Anxiety and Emotion
Reeling into self-examination
The eyes you love, the nose you don't, the image you parade, the uncertainty you hide
You; unique, beautiful, individual, awkward, cherished, unsure
You

You through the eyes of others is distorted
You through the eye of yourself untrustworthy
Tainted by comparison, and edited, photo-shopped "norms"
Marred with self-doubt, and the inability to see, really see

Your worth is not found in a dance ticket or the absence of one
Your value is not the price tag of your dress or the reflection in the mirror
Your significance is not in your fun personality or your honor-roll report card
Your merit is not in the whispers of the hallways or the insecurities in your head

Your worth is woven into your very being - by the hand of a loving Creator 
Your value is realized in His thoughts of you and His promises to you
Your significance found within His purpose, plan and desires
Your merit proven in the nail pierced hands and feet of His Son,
His Son - who chose to give up His life for Yours
Your Life
You
Just as you are
In the middle of your mess, awkwardness, insecurity, accomplishment, beauty, doubt, and misplaced worth
He came for you
He died for you

Because
You have worth
There's NO addition able to make you more valuable,
And no action strong enough to strip away your significance
You are His treasure

You are worth pursuing
Worth His protection
You are worth knowing
Worth His love
You are worth waiting for
And HE is patient