You are not alone.  

This war is not yours only to wage.

There are other girls, other boys, other moms,  other dads, other sisters and brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and friends who have been affected by mental illness.

There is hope.  

You are not alone.  

There is healing.

To read the battle tale of others, and know that the fight is won in the fighting.

There is strength.

Vulnerability of your reality brings love, support and the prayers of many that strengthen on the days you don't have the strength (and there will be days....)

And 

There is power in knowledge.

These resources, while certainly not exhaustive were personally helpful to me.  To grasp even a small understand of the thing we were fighting was immeasurably empowering.  Yes, WE - not him, but US.  

Family Based Therapy or the Maudsley approach encourages all members of the family to fight together each with their own roles and responsibilities - more on that later.

* Holy Bible This book is more than a book to me.  Here I found and find daily strength and encouragement to fight against the spiritual attack that accompanied/accompanies the metabolic crisis and eating disorder diagnosis.  During our two-week hospital stay I read through Ephesians using a Katie Orr FOCUSED 15 bible study.

If you don’t read the bible daily, try starting in Psalms.  David, is the author and a poet (but not the cheesy kind, and seldom does it rhyme).  Found in the middle of the Bible, in this book are details of his everyday emotion ridden walk with God - good, bad and in between.  Stories of belief, doubt, failure, success, fear, courage, anger, love, rebellion, obedience, heart ache, joy and wisdom.    

* Be The Gift, Ann Voskamp.  Ann beautifully crafts her words to be honest, uplifting and challenging simultaneously.  Her book helped to get me out of my own way.  It reminded me our pain is not wasted, and that we can be a gift to others because of it. 

* Brave Girl Eating, Harriet Brown.  I didn’t make it through this book because when I started reading I was too close to the crisis she details.  Author Brown details an honest look at the emotional, physical and familial cost when battling an eating disorder.

* Your Teenager is Not Crazy, Dr. Jeramy Clark & Jerusha Clark.  This book details the chemical and neurological changes that happen from child to teen.  I am still reading it / re-reading it.  This quote from their book prompted me to reach out for help despite my fears. “If you suspect negative body image is beginning to control your sons’s or daughter’s life, don’t wait.  Seek help immediately…” (pg. 259) 

^^^^This is the best advice I can give you, before you order a book, read another blog post or online forum, make the call you've been dreading.  Do not let fear keep you from fighting back against that which is threatening to steal away the mind and body of the one you love. 

* Help Your Teenager Beat An Eating Disorder, James Lock, MD, PhD & Daniel Le Grange, PhD.  Filled with detailed case studies, information about eating disorders and practical ways to take a stand for your teens recovery, this book, written from the medical perspective, empowered me with knowledge and understanding.  I walked away from this book with a healthy fear of anorexia but also the will to beat it.

* Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders.  feast-ed.org  

This website is full of free resources for EVERYONE that an eating disorder touches.  This is the place to gain practical every day advice an wisdom about how to make a plate "magic," craft 600 calorie mashed potatoes, but also reminders and truths about eating disorders.  This is the place for you, but also the place to send grandparents, teachers, friends, and all the support staff that want to understand and help you on the journey.  

BONUS I highly recommend getting yourself a core group of trusted family members and friends who will join you in the battle.  We had a core group of 20-30 people to whom I sent email updates.   These wonderful people committed to pray for us and gave selflessly of their time, money and energy to be our strength and energy when we had none.

Ask me a question....jamie.g4@gmail.com

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The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

Without exception or expiration

From the time we're little we learn how to earn
Positives and negatives are Reinforced by rewards and reprimands

Victory
Trust
Money
Spankings
Respect
Happiness
Wisdom
Freedom
Punishment
Titles

Earned, through our act of being, our choices, our caring
And, yet at times it seems by sheer luck, misfortune or fate
But it's all earned

And love...
Love is easy to fall into, it's chemistry and connection until it becomes work
And trying and caring
And sacrifice
And REAL
And then it's easy to fall out of
And we learn,
Love too is earned,
Earned when we perform, and put out or put on the facade of something we're not
Earned when we look right and agree and give until there's nothing left
And then it's gone
Lost to the self-seeking temporary of the world
Leaving us empty and believing we may not be worth it

But I know of a freedom that's free
And Of a joy that overrides the happiest of happiness
There's wisdom that's gained by simply asking
A title that can never be stripped away
And a LOVE that is without exception or expiration

God demonstrates His love for us in this; while we were still His enemies, Christ died for us

- Romans 5:8 -

God chose you
Before you knew you needed Him
Before you believed He was real
Before you tried
In the middle of your lacking and mess and sin and fighting Him for control
He paid the ransom
And the victory is found in our giving up
Opposite of all we've ever known is this gift of grace
Ours for the receiving
He calls you daughter, son, beautiful child of the King
You're free from the bondage of sin
There's peace and joy and wisdom and rest in His arms
And He loves you now
As He always has
And always will
Without exception or expiration

Who I am anyway?

The world says we are the roles we play

An athlete

Type A or type B

A husband

A wife

A musician

A dancer

A mom

A dad

A job title

Busy

And so this role we choose to play, the world tells us, is our identity.  

But what happens to the injured athlete unable to perform

The type A who can't sustain order or the type B who needs to have it all together

The marriage that falls apart

The musician who goes unrecognized

The dancer who doesn't get the part

The mom or dad who looses a child

The faithful employee who looses her job

The busy bee who is overwhelmed

So, the world tells us, we are the sum of what we lack. 

And, we get a new identity, failure, disappointment, and not good enough

Our culture says 

We are what we look like, dress like, and who we hang out with 

So we compare ourselves to others and become wholly discontent

Culture says we're the names people call us, 

So we let those words infiltrate our being and choose to stay in the box that others created for us

The world says you are how you feel

You feel sad, find a way to release it, you don’t want to live anymore then don’t

Your gender is relative, You feel like a boy, be one, You feel like a girl, okay - good for you

You feel angry, confused, insecure, hopeless, unloved - Act out and on your feelings

The world says your feelings are truth

THE WORLD IS FULL OF LIES

And, when we choose to let the world determine our identity

We become enslaved to a set of expectations God never intended for us

And we are hostages to the lies

Identity is defined as who someone is; the qualities, beliefs, etc. that make a person different from others.

It's our creator who makes us different

You are His unique creation,

He calls you a masterpiece, beautiful, worthy

You are His son, His daughter

He calls you His own, His heir, His warrior, His child, His love

His truth never changes?

Because He never changes

And so 

We are not the roles we play

We are not the sum of our insufficiencies

We are not our clothes, our friends or the names people call us

Our identity is not our gender, relationship status or how we feel

Our identity is found in the ONE who called us out of the mess, out of the lies, and to Himself

John 15:19 “you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of it.”

Do you know who you are because of who He is?

Because God is forgiving - I am forgiven

Because God is loving - I am loved

Because God is always present - I am never alone

Because God is all powerful - I have power

Because God is creator - I am created, beautiful, on purpose, the only me  

Because God is Father - I belong, I have a family

Because God is all knowing - I am known

Because God is king - I am a warrior

Because God is purposeful - I have purpose

Because God is available - I am heard

Because God is merciful - I have hope

Because God is unchanging- I am content

It's not always easy to be myself.  

Living as your created self on purpose takes courage

But we don't have to do it alone

HE is the chain breaker.  

He is the savior the redeemer.  

He is the hope maker and the freedom giver.

So we can be different.  

Just as HE created us.  

And yet, ALL can find their true identity in HIM.

When I grow up I'm going to...

I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

Your "okay" life...

It starts with believing that HE is real

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls

And in the beginning

He took pieces of himself and wove them into me, as He did with she

It was real in the garden

Unrelenting, naked relationship

Walking in honesty and sharing life

No hiding, no disguising 

And it was good.

But when Words got twisted and hearts became intrigued then deceived
She sought answers outside of her God-relationship, and pulled her man down with her

They decided that knowing God wasn't enough, being made in His image lacking
And it was not good

But, knowledge made them feel ashamed, instead of godly
This idea of being god made them afraid of God
Covering-up, they pointed fingers, placed blame and deceived even themselves

And the relationship was ruined

And so we live in the harsh in-between
Thorns, Rocks, Pain, Tears
Taking the roads well traveled
Separated from God
Being the god of our own life
And sometimes it's okay
But it's not good.

God, creator, life-breather, crafter of our souls didn't want "okay" for your life
He didn't want you to be separate, hiding, or wandering wide roads
He wanted it to be good [again]

So He became a man; to understand us, live like us [except better] and save us
Jesus
Son of God
The Savior of our souls
Joy giver
Restorer of relationship
Peace maker
Sacrifice for our sins
Truth speaker
The only man to raise himself from the dead
Word writer
Death conqueror
Good - when I'm not good enough
Mediator and High Priest
Life giver

He laid it ALL down for us so we could lay down the burden of trying to be god
And asks us - do you want more than just okay?
Do you want relationship, peace, forgiveness, life, good?
I wanted less burden more life
So I made Him the King, declared He was my God
Laid down my all
And it is good.

We still have to live in this harsh in-between
It still hurts, it's still hard, I'm still not perfect
But the expanse is removed, the relationship is restored
And we can quit trying to be god and just know Him
He's good
We can stop hiding and blaming and disguising
And be who He made us to be
He called us very good
So we can take the road less traveled
And walk it with God
It's not easy - But it's good 

In the beginning God created, He made man in His own image, from the dust of the ground He formed him, and breathed the breath of life into his nostrils.  Male and female he created them. God saw all that He had made and it was very good.

- Genesis 1 & 2

Linking up today with Holley Gerth

@ Coffee for Your Heart

Meredith Bernard  and 

Kristin Hill Taylor @ Three Word Wednesday

Revision 3.0

Another day 

Another chance

Everyday I wake, I choose not to waste it.

More time to try, 

Though, I understand it's not ME that accomplishes,

Resting in grace and growing in patience.

More of me to understand while I ponder my reflection,

Beauty from the inside-out- the real definition.

Wrinkles of wisdom, 

Crows feet from reading and prayer.

Laugh lines of true joy, 

Hands weathered by care.

Time to rely more on the One who knows

Even when I don't feel like it

Because in reliance is growth.

So to this year, and for all the revisions to come...

I never imagined 30 would feel so young.

Her hands cradle her cheeks as if she's feeling for something lost in the past, yet her smile is sweet and full of contentment.  From her lips the simple statement said with the ringing of laughter;

"I look in the mirror and think, I don't feel that old." 

-Mawna, 40 years my senior.

While her face may reflect her age, her heart remains young, beautiful, honest, and she overflows with love and contentment. 

Here's hoping I'll be as beautiful as she is too...one day.