I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting

6 Questions to Ask about Smart Phones

It's at our fingertips
Whistling, Beeping, Notifying, Ringing
Seldom ringing, but constantly beckoning
Information, Connection, Entertainment and Distraction
Packaged neatly as normal and necessary

Accessible information is trusted, not discerned
I am entertained but being a consumer is consuming
When we're together it takes us away
And distraction siphons purpose

I see it in me and I see it in them
Anticipation, Preoccupation, Attachment, Dependency
On this thing, this noisy object that beeps and pulls and distracts and fits in my pocket
Normal?  Yes
But necessary?

I remember life without it
All rings sounded the same and they weren't screened, just answered
I didn't stare at it, or sit by it and it couldn't fit in my pocket
That was then
So what of the now
Because I'm not going backward, and it's not going to stop beckoning or being available

I've got to find the different within this new normal
And I've got to show them how to navigate this world of disconnected connection

Because
We have the internet in the palm of our hands
And typing words seems more convenient than speaking them
Via #selfie, pin, status update, snap or tweet
Social Media will continue to give us a glimpse into the days one second of perfection, or the occasional post of authenticity
We are going to have information about people without real relationship
And apps will continue to challenge us; to cut the rope, be a ninja of fruit, crush the candy, run through the temple, flap the bird, connect the dots, clash the clan or craft the mine

But I find myself in the middle of a battle with what's normal and feeling overly distracted, attached and dependent
I don't have the answers...But I have some questions

   1. Am I more engaged with a device than the life that's happening around me?
   2. Can I see snap shots of others perfect second without comparing, complaining or judging?
   3. Am I the same person in real life as in text, tweet, status, and selfie?
   4. Do they see my eyes on them more than on a screen?
   5. What are my habits formed around?
   6. When I look back in fifty years what am I going to remember about right now?

I want to remember, with printed pictures, penned notes, memories made -me and him and them, candidly - Sad, happy, loss, joy, failure, trying, living, giving - and most of all God's faithfulness
I want to form habits that are healthy, and life giving, encouraging and beneficial
I want them to see the flecks of gold in my eyes looking intently back into theirs, engaged in their make-believe and interested in what excites them, because they're not going to care what I think for much longer
I want to live with integrity - if I wouldn't say it to your face I'm not going to type it, I'll be honest in my posts or not post at all
If we haven't spoken in six months maybe I don't need to know about your perfect second?
I'm not going to waste time comparing, and if I don't then I won't have anything to complain about
As for silently judgment - forgive me - I'm learning that mercy triumphs
I don't want to wake up to a  screen, but to the sun
I want to kiss him, drink coffee, pray, love and live a life that's bigger than likes, re-tweets, favorites, likes, "friends", "followers", re-pins, top-scores and screens

When Your 7 Year Old Drops The F*Bomb

The word rolled off her tongue and I was frozen
I couldn't have just heard what my brain is telling me I heard
Not from her,
Beautiful, funny, imaginative, barely-seven year old her
Off guard, unprepared, I couldn't process
It's just NOT something I say 
I'm conscious to watch my words, my reactions and expressions
Of course there's the occasional whispering, a taunting within
But it's always contained in my head.

The F-word I am referring to here has only three letters, not four
FAT
It was the phrase
"I look fat"

It's not like kids to keep contained the thoughts in their heads
We develop filters as we grow older
There are negatives and positives to filtering our thoughts and words
But that's another topic

Jailed inside my thought life, the jeering word lies in wait
The mirror, the scale, that certain pair of pants, hormones
It's not something I look into the mirror and walk away thinking everyday
But there are days
More days than I care to admit to that the F-word plagues my thoughts
*Who doesn't have the occasional fat-day?
But that word doesn't, ever, escape through my lips

What does escape?
Has she seen discontent in my eyes?
Has she heard my subconscious?
Maybe...

I know what she's not heard...
My verbal acknowledgement that I am beautiful.
An appreciation for my unique design
That bodies are different and I am glad to have mine.

Have I battled my weight?
Yes.
Have I longed to change the pattern of my body?
Yes.
Have I found peace and acceptance, even joy, with the creation that is me?
Yes.

I yearn for her to avoid the lies
That there is a [singular-one] perfect mold
That feeling fat or being called fat means you actually are
That your weight, or size matter just as much as who you are inside
They are lies

Yet, at seven she looked at herself and "felt fat."
And my heart sinks, with the thought -
I failed her.
Failed to protect her
Failed to speak enough truth into her
Failed by rejecting compliments
Failed in my example of loving myself

When staring in the face of failure, I see two choices
Accept it and wallow
Or tackle it and triumph

I choose triumph
I am a failure
But that is not what defines me.
Just as my definition is not found on the scale or in my size.
I choose truth
"I am wonderfully made"
"How beautiful you are my darling"
"The King is enthralled by your beauty"
I accept it
And I pray that it will take root deep inside her, inside of me, inside of you, inside of every girl, woman and man that looks at their reflection and sees anything other than wonderful.
And I pray we will not only accept it but live in it.

I am beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Self fulfilling prophesy

The tone of the day was set by the phrase
"I don't want to do school today"
An honest, but irritating expression from my almost eight year old
And at every turn there seemed to be friction
Today, "A" was not for Adam or Apple
A was for A.TTI.TUDE
And I had my fill

There are a LOT of things I don't really WANT to do everyday;
1. Laundry
I can not think of a day when I've woken up and said "Wow! I really want to do laundry today!"
2. Cooking
I mean, sometimes it just feels like work and all those Pinterest recipes taunt my lack of desire and available ingredients. 
3. Ironing
Let's be honest, I don't iron, so we can probably scratch off #3
4. Cleaning
Scrubbing toilets, dusting cobwebs and swiffering floors 

And so we discussed
Discussed how our view of things,
Our focus
Our attitude
Could make normal, necessary tasks go well, or seem heavy
There wasn't notable impact from our talk
Which was disappointing
But
We had today,
And today we had each other
Imperfections
Attitudes
And all
Though my cup felt poured out to empty
I know the ONE who can fill it to overflowing

And He is infinitely more patient, more loving, more merciful...
Just infinitely MORE than me
I am SO thankful that He IS
God is good
Grace is undeserved
But still He gives it, and His mercies are new every morning



For the love of undeserved grace, attitude adjustments, and cherishing today
ME

Lamentations 3:22-23

Just as I am

 *DISORDER AND I DON'T MIX...ALSO I TEND TO OVERREACT 
Papers haphazardly strewn on the dining room table, dishes from cooking, legos and barbies littering the floors 
It goes something like this... 
I awaken post-night-shift to full afternoon sunlight and the sound of happy kids or mostly happy kids,  My husband, worried that I didn't get enough sleep, tires to coax me to drift off again 
He is wonderful, 
And has kept afore mentioned kids quiet and content with each other while I sleep 
[FYI: I think our kids hit the dad lottery jack-pot] 
But I get up anyway 
My arms hug mini-me and mini-him, but my eyes go straight to the mess 
And then my brain experiences some kind of disorder 
I have both a physical and emotional response to the diorganization that comes with our normal life that surfaces when I'm not a part of it 
After a deep breath, and a little pep-talk - disarming my overreatction I go to "fixing" it 
And remember why I love US 
WE function and work best when we are all present and working together 

 *I LOVE STICKERS 
I am an accidental homeschool mom - 
Figuring it out as I go [but that's just life - isn't it?] 
It wasn't EVER my plan, 
But I think it always was the plan 
The plan for now anyway 
So, in the midst of adjusting, attitudes, success and watching them grow 
I'm doling out stickers whenever a moment presents, often multiple at a time 
And sometimes I even give them to myself 

 *I'M NOT PERFECT 
Wait... What?! 
Yep - I'm flawed 
Irrational 
Swayed by emotion 
Judgmental 
Prideful (I mean what humble person gives themselves stickers) 
Impatient 
Controlling 

 *LISTS ARE FUN TO MAKE 
Even more fun to check off 
Did you see above? 
A LIST of all well, some of my flaws 
To-Do, Menus, Grocery, Lesson Plans, Schedule, Honey-Do, Pros/Cons
You can truly make a list for just about anything 
Fact -- I spent 1.5 hours making a list of possible breakfast/lunch options so the kids could participate in menu planning, and enjoyed every second 
 Silly right? 

For the love of lists, organization, stickers, knowing who and whose I am but not being defined by the little things,
ME

Psalm 139:1&13-14

Sunday School Writing Revelations

I'm not skinny
I can't buy regular length jeans
My hair is wavy
It seems my best friends are petite
My husband can loose 5 pounds just by running a mile
That last one may be an exaggeration

I've wasted too much time
Comparing
Envying
Trying to alter and adjust the version of me
HE created
And I never stopped to think how that would make God
My creator feel

TRUTH - It makes him angry

Contentment is a CHOICE
Choosing God
His provision
His plan
And His creation

Through Numbers 11, the Holy Spirit gave me this conclusion.
When we choose to complain about our circumstances or the qualities that makes us who we are – we are acting with hearts that are ungrateful to God.  God, who made us who we are and has provided for us everything we need.  

I can not imagine eating manna, and only manna, for who knows how many days
After so long, I imagine, I would forget the miracle of the provision
Just as I forget the meticulousness that was the knitting together of me inside my mother 31 years ago
HE thought about me, forming each piece both external and internal
LIFE is so much more
Than skinny jeans off the rack
Straight hair
And working with self-control to eat right and be a healthy weight
It's about glorying our creator
With all that we are
All that He created us to be

Psalm 139:13-14, Proverbs 19:23 and Philippians 11:4-13

For the love of insight into what really matters, repentance, and a thankful heart,
ME

Today

Find what gives life
What renews yours
Learn how to be real
Share what matters
Loose what doesn't
Live with purpose
Walk with conviction
Cry
File memories
Laugh, a lot
Save
Take pictures
Kiss
Hold on, but not too tight
Give
Love, in obvious and quiet ways
Read
Play in the rain
Soak up the sun
Pray
Rest
Eat well, and indulge a little
Sing
Listen
Speak, but think first
Be thankful
Loose sleep so you can be there
It's just sleep
Invest in people, not things
Forgive

Be patient

Take risks

Be brave in The Lord

Trust

Breathe 

Choose wisely

Seek God

Be a part of something bigger than yourself 

And 

Do It Well

Because 

We get today

And I thought...

The playlist ceased
The quiet encompassed
Just the sound of friction
Black rubber tires spinning against the hot concrete
And I thought of you
Laughter, banter, snacking, and voices too loud you


Golden arches littered the roadside
And I thought of you
Joy from cheap toys, sipping, and devouring


The pale blue sky stretched
Meeting the dusty earth
Hemmed together with trees
The clouds shifted, a dancing fairy waived her wand unafraid of the fierce dragon
And I thought of you
Colorful imagination, creating, directing, and dress up

The ice cream-peanutbutter cup mixture melted
And I thought of you
Messy chins, napkins, and M&M's

The road turned familiar
Cars outnumbered cows
Grey lanes marked with white and yellow replaced the pale brown fields
My foot fell heavy on the pedal
And I thought of you
My children, my home

Revision 3.0

Another day 

Another chance

Everyday I wake, I choose not to waste it.

More time to try, 

Though, I understand it's not ME that accomplishes,

Resting in grace and growing in patience.

More of me to understand while I ponder my reflection,

Beauty from the inside-out- the real definition.

Wrinkles of wisdom, 

Crows feet from reading and prayer.

Laugh lines of true joy, 

Hands weathered by care.

Time to rely more on the One who knows

Even when I don't feel like it

Because in reliance is growth.

So to this year, and for all the revisions to come...

I never imagined 30 would feel so young.

Her hands cradle her cheeks as if she's feeling for something lost in the past, yet her smile is sweet and full of contentment.  From her lips the simple statement said with the ringing of laughter;

"I look in the mirror and think, I don't feel that old." 

-Mawna, 40 years my senior.

While her face may reflect her age, her heart remains young, beautiful, honest, and she overflows with love and contentment. 

Here's hoping I'll be as beautiful as she is too...one day.

Eggs etc.

Remember the movie Run Away Bride?
She kept running because, turns out she didn't know who she really was
I was that girl -
the one that wanted the brand name clothes so I'd be the same as you
and the one who liked the music on your radio, because it was yours
and the one who compromised
and the one who lost her way

But I'm not that girl anymore
And most of it started when I met him - my tall-skinny, dark haired-brown eyed, knight in shining armour who also doubled for court jester
Simply because, he liked me just the way I was
And he still does...

It just feels really great to be me
I'm far from perfect
But I'm forgiven
And although I haven't run (okay lets face it an 11 min mile isn't really running)
So, I haven't jogged in over 4 weeks, my weight's still down AND
I can squeeze into my skinny jeans - the only problem with squeezing is the muffin top that squishes out the top
Jacob says the top of the muffin is the best part...
I put the jeans back into the closet!
I love being a mom, and my kids make me smile as well as prematurely gray
I have great friends
My family is amazing and I love them
Sometimes I say awesome with a very non-awesome connotation
I miss Josh and Abbey
Coffee is best with conversation; and Starbucks, although over-priced, is my favorite
My spaghetti sauce comes from a jar and the brand is Classico
I wish Extra still made the Winter fresh flavor, but Cobalt is a fare substitute
Buying in bulk at Sam's doesn't always save me $ (did you know chocolate raisins come in bulk?)
I'm so excited for Jonas and Megan, awe love!
Redecorating our house has been so much fun, just wish the budget was unlimited
Can't wait to hang my new art-work in my refurbished rooms
I'm praying for this girl
I like my eggs scrambled, just slightly overcooked so they're not watery with lots of salt topped with sharp cheddar cheese, AND over-medium, AND as a veggie omelet, AND as an egg sandwich (whole wheat toast- american cheese and mustard), BUT NOT covered in hollandase.

Not everyday feels this good to be me
But I'm glad today does!

--How do you take your eggs?

A Little PIece of Heaven

In paradise with those who know me best
Flaws and all, frustrations and forgiveness
Joy found in building a sand castle, just to watch the waves wash it away
Peace in the beauty of a sunset while cradled by my husbands arms
Knowing the love that's meant in my dad's rough-housing
Prepping asparagus with a brother, cooking fresh fish, making strawberry shortcake
Getting to know a girl I hope to one day call sister
Listening to my little brother sound just like dad
Watching the excitement of my kids, that's found in contentment with what's around them.
Caring for the tough brother after a jelly fish attack
Chasing a nephew, cuddling the other
Chatting and sharing life with the sister I miss so dearly when I'm at home burried in life
Hugging mom and admiring how she works tirelessly, requiring no recognition
Taking mental (and digital) snapshots of mom and dad being grandparents, loving parents, good friends and in love
Wonder in the beauty of God's creation and the awesomeness of his creativity
Cherishing my husband, and how he notices and cares for me and our children
Listening, really listening to God in my devotion time
Splashing and swimming in the pool, feeding fish and rinsing off sandy feet
Being a daughter
Being a sister
Being a wife
Being a mom
Being an aunt
Being a friend
Being a child of God
Surrounded by children of God
There's not much on earth that's better than this.
Peace-Waves-Sunshine and Joy
Love
me

25-Do's and a few Dont's

Inspired by and written for a few of my favorite people
And my brief 28 years of life-experience
1. Do - Be the best version of yourself
2. Do - Find the "one" who loves you for who you are
3. Do - Take a chance
4. Don't - Worry
5. Do - Accessorize (at my favorite place)
6. Do - Laugh, out-loud and at yourself
7. Do - Find that perfect pair of jeans, pay ca$h, and wear the knees out of them
8. Do - Forgive yourself, because you can't move on until you do
9. Do - Call your mom on her birthday
10. Don't - Indulge in a Nestle drumstick and three cookies before your 5K workout
11. Do - Exercise till you sweat
12. Do - Sing
13. Do - Listen to that still small voice in your head
14. Do - Trust your sense of direction (unless you're me and have none, then only take directions with Left and Right details)
15. Do - Watch your children sleeping (especially after a hard day)
16. Don't - Go to bed angry
17. Do - Cry, both tears of joy and of sadness
18. Do - Take your parents advice
19. Do - Listen, with an uncluttered mind, without planning your rebuttal
20. Do - Trust
21. Don't - Have a dog in the city unless you are willing to pick up their poop
22. Do - Dance, totally uninhibited (many, no, MOST times this will induce #6)
23. Do - Pray
24. Do - Believe that God will answer your prayers, and sometimes, when He's silent you just have to take a step out in faith and #20 and #23
25. Don't - Lie, to yourself or others
26. Do - Buy her flowers (whoever "her" may be in your life)
27. Do - Remember your friends birthdays, and arrange a babysitter so you can go out to lunch without kids (there will be other days for Chick-Fil-A)
28. Do - Stay close to your family, and let them know how much they mean to you and thank God for blessing you with them
29. Don't - Speak hurtful, thoughtless words...because as soon as you do you'll want to stuff them back in your mouth, and you won't be able to
30. Do - Read the Bible
31. Do - Your best and be content

Expectations

We'd been planning "family-night" all week.
And when I say we, I mean Jacob and I talked about it on Tuesday - shopping for the kids summer clothes, Ethan some soccer gear, out to dinner maybe at the T-Rex Cafe and catch the "How To Train Your Dragon" movie.
On Wednesday we informed the kids we would be going to the movies, and I continued to dwell excitedly on our planned time together. Making plans and building-up expectations of what our family time would be like [in my head] throughout the rest of the week.

Complication #1 - No one can read my mind
Complication #2 - I am the mother of a four-year-old and a three-year-old
Complication #3 - My husbands patience and shopping tolerance is connected to his blood-sugar (which tends to be low right after school)
Complication #4 - NO ONE CAN READ MY MIND

Ethan was really excited shop for soccer-gear, specifically shoes.
So when the Nike Outlet didn't have his size in stock somehow that affected his like of the soccer shirt I had picked out to coordinate with the burnt-orange and navy shorts he was trying on. And he melted into a puddle of tears and attitude on the dressing room floor.
Sympathetic dad says "we don't have to get anything-here"
Annoyed mom says "I'm his mom, it's my money, and I can buy the shirt if I want - he doesn't get to throw a fit and just get whatever he wants"
Mom and dad decide to each take one child (guess which one mom took) and do some more shopping.

After a 10 min break - dad and Ethan rejoined us soccer shoes in hand. Mom received a sincere thank you and apology from Ethan, and then dished her own apology to dad.

After rounds at, GAP, OSHKOSH and Carter's (thank goodness for the LEGO table) - budget depleted and list accomplished it was time to recharge daddy's blood-sugar.

Daddy headed to the car to drop off our loot, and
I did my best to steer the wild horses through the growing crowd of people
I reprimanded spiderman for shooting random strangers (luckily the two-teenage boys just chuckled and grabbed their chest as if they had been shot).
And we gazed at the fountain, and danced to the music that filled the courtyard.
We were only half way to the restaurant, standing around the fountain, when daddy rejoined us.

Miss, I'll do just about anything - Charlie broke down into tears and was shaking with fear upon seeing the life-size roaring T-Rex at the entrance to the Cafe. After a promise to return...disappointed big-brother Ethan put on a brave face and we walked to another restaurant.
Dinner was good, except for Charlie falling out of her chair and not eating any of her requested Mac-n-Cheese (I think it was the crumbled corn bread on top that threw her off...and really who puts corn bread on top of Mac-n-Cheese?)

We loved the movie. It was a fun and exciting story with a sweet message about being yourself. Twizzlers in hand, Ethan leaning on daddy and Charlie resting on mommy's lap we watched intently and ducked as images jumped from the screen into the audience. And although, Ethan fell asleep (causality of an 8:30 showtime and a no-nap school day), and Charlie removed her glasses half-way-through, it was a wonderful time.

I'm glad no one can read my mind. I mean, really - what potential for embarrassment.
And if everything went as planned, I would have missed so much;
I wouldn't have had special one-on-one time with Charlie while daddy and Ethan shared shoe-shopping time.
I wouldn't have had the chance to steer wild-horses or watch Charlie dance, or laugh as "Spiderman" apologized to strangers.
I wouldn't have had the chance to hear Ethan sweetly tell Charlie "they're not real dinosaurs Sissy, but it's okay to be afraid when you're 3. When you turn 4 - like me, you won't be afraid anymore" or watch him share his corn-dogs.
I wouldn't have had the chance to stare in awe at my sleeping little boy or hold both the hands of my little girl and husband at the same time.

I am happy to be a perfectly-imperfect family with fears and flaws living a forgiven life.

The Place We Dump our Stuff

You see it's Spring, and while for some that means Spring-cleaning...
We've just been too busy
(and by too busy, I mean perfectly content, bubbling over and happy)
playing basketball in the driveway
blowing bubbles
swinging on the hand-me-down wooden swing set
playing chase in the yard
riding our bikes and scooters to the ice cream store
having picnic lunches
coloring with sidewalk chalk
grilling outside
walking to the park
"playing" soccer and practicing our baseball-swings

And so our house becomes
the place we wash off the dirt and the pollen
the place we take a rest to recharge for the rest of the day
the place where we wait for daddy
the place we eat and drink
the place where we lay our heads at night
the place where we dump our stuff
because it's Spring, and we're just too busy

And it's really freeing just to enjoy this time I have to watch them grow and make memories of how we are right this moment.
So if you come to visit, excuse our mess - we're just too busy enjoying our family.

Truth Is...

I turned 28 this year.
I'm not a "runner", but I ran 5 miles today.
I am a size XXX (Just kidding- not posting for the world to read), I'll let you know when I'm back in a size 10!
It was a really good day, the kind that makes me happy to be a mom, a wife, a friend, and forgiven.
I have three cavities (blah).
The world doesn't tell the truth (very often).
I need to remind myself what's true.
I am beautiful.
The inside of me is just as much a work-in-progress as the outside.
AND That's okay.
No one is perfect.
I'm really happy for Jonas.
I am so thankful for Jacob, and watching him do the dishes makes me smile.
I am blessed with great friends.
I miss Josh and Abbey.
I was raised in a wonderful family, and they're still wonderful.
No family is perfect, and I can not expect to have the first.
There's a small part of me that's dysfunctional and dramatic.
It's only a small part.
I'm forgiven.
I didn't read my Bible today.
I need to spend more time in the Word.
I want to know my Savior more, so I can be more like Him.
I've felt pain.
Today I'm filled with joy and contentment.
I look forward to meeting my baby-girl in heaven someday.
I cherish the children who are here on this earth with me.
Something we need more of.
I'm smiling and I hope you are too.

Ecclesiastes vs. Proverbs

While reading an online article I pondered the stated question :
“Would the girl of your youth be happy with the woman you are now”.
The answer is simply yes – Yet, why at times is the woman in me not satisfied with who, where and what I am?

Ecclesiastes wisdom vs. Proverbs wisdom…
“How long, O naive ones, will you love simplicity? ...Turn to my reproof, Behold, I will pour my Spirit out on you; I will make my words known to you.” Proverbs 1:22-23
6 Things the Lord HATES (7 which are an abomination to Him)
Haughty eyes
Lying tongue
Hands that shed innocent blood
A heart that devises wicked plans
Feet that run rapidly to evil
A false witness who utters lies
One who spreads strife among brothers
Proverbs 6:16-19

I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all this is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked can not be straightened, and what is lacking cannot be counted.
I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I realized that this also is striving after wind.
I said to myself; com now, I will test you with pleasure. So enjoy yourself. And behold, it too was futility.
I said of laughter, It’s madness, and of pleasure what does it accomplish?
Ecclesiastes 1:14,17 2:1,2

FOR IN MANY DREAMS AND IN MANY WORDS THERE IS EMPTINESS. RATHER, FEAR GOD. Ecclesiastes 5:7

The sting of Solomon’s quest is effortlessly translated through the text. There is pain in the wisdom and way of the world. Did he find any satisfaction? Maybe. Did he experience pleasure? The pleasure was fleeting, but I think he did…However- all knowledge, pleasure, money, works, all that his eyes desired he had. And yet “all was vanity”
Vanity – pride, self-importance, inflated, narcissism, futility, emptiness, hollowness

The life I lead is not glamorous. I close my eyes and my dreams are filled with deceit of the world – these dreams are empty, and fleeting. My eyes open to the day and I realize the truth, this modest and unpretentious life I lead is a blessing.
It is a lie that the world holds more for us than our Creator. The world is hollow, and empty. The world offers to us a life where we become our own God, we inflate our self-image and loose sight of the grandeur of our Creator.

To answer my original question the woman in me will find satisfaction in God. The woman in me will grow to Fear God. He is the only sustainer and I will seek Him. The woman in me is to easily succumb to the lies of the world. But if I fill my heart with the wisdom of God slowly that part of the woman in me dies and I cultivate a woman whom the girl of my youth can truly be proud of. I will be a woman whose nature is like that of her Creator.
An earthly struggle of twilight within me – as the light I pursue begins to cut the darkness of my human-nature. God redeems, I am forgiven and I long for the darkness in me to give way to the light of my Creator.

God, give me the strength to surrender my will. You are God and I am not – forgive my follies and my pretensions. Thank you for the life you’ve blessed me with; may I grow through it in You. God help me to thirst for a relationship with you – may I crave to know your nature, and as I thirst be filled.

50 Years

I stand witness to a love that has lasted 50 years
A love rooted in something greater than emotion
A love which has endured..
Endured War and Separation
Held strong through Miscarriages
Transitioned when Locations and jobs changed
Joyed in Children
Grieved in the Death of a newborn
Suffered as Children choose their own way
Rejoiced as Children came home
Exulted in Grandchildren
Held strong in the Loss of parents and siblings
Delighted in Great-Grandchildren
An enduring love that
Grew together
Grew through tribulation
Grew through joy
Grew old
And will last Forever.

I stand witness...and I am blessed!
Love you, Mawna and Grandpa

Things I miss about working nights...

My tired mornings with the kids before they go to school
My phone conversations with Amy on the way
Afternoons with the kids
Kissing Jacob goodbye after our 5-min daily report
Molly

Ethan asked "Mom, do you have to go to work again in the morning"
Me - "yeah, buddy - I do"
Ethan - "awwwwwe"
Me - "do you like it when mommy works nights or days better"
Ethan - "I like it when you work nights, mommy"

Pieces

I've been storing away little pieces of the day --
The piece of evening when Charlie curls up on my lap and sighs that sweet sigh,
then adds "I love you mom".
The piece of the afternoon when Ethan is eagerly helping with chores.
The piece of the morning when I am busy at work, then, pause to observe my two children; Kindly playing with each other - this morning they were finding and rescuing tiny monsters and sharing their food with them. I want to remember the way their tiny hands cupped the air as if there really was a tiny-little monster resting in their palms.
The piece of week that I have to share with Jacob, the one that is real-time together, not just our report in passing between work and sleep.
The piece of night just before bedtime when Ethan will still sometimes ask me to lay-down with him, and we get to talk.
The piece of early-morning when Charlie bounces me out of bed, to the couch and we read.
The piece of bedtime routine when we read our Bible-story and sometimes sing - last week it was "Father-Abraham" and we all marched around and did the motions together.
The piece of stillness, just as the kids are drifting off to rest, when I open my Bible and learn.

These pieces are stored away so I never forget how wonderful my life is, and how very blessed I am. Happy memories that fill my heart with joy and my face with a smile.

Chance and Contentment

Like a picture from a comic strip - the light bulb moment :

Contentment can not be found in things, but from within
People will disappoint, things will decay
Life takes work, a disciplined effort and focus
It doesn't always feel good, but it makes us grow, makes us better
And it makes us
It is within me to choose this life,
The life I have right now and cherish it
My tired and overwhelming life, full of chances
The chance to feel like a human jungle gym all day
The chance to share in the joy of the creation of my children
The chance to welcome home the same wonderful man every night
The chance to be loved and held by my adoring husband
The chance to bless the sick and needy
The chance to cherish my family and my friends
The chance to glorify God

It doesn't always feel good, but I choose this life
I choose the chances of everyday, and I am so blessed
Content - from the inside out