You’re tired because you’re fighting the voices in your head, demons in your bed

The dark swallows the light and you’re tired

Tired of fighting

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe 

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

You’re tired because it’s lying, the voice of unbelief, Explain yourself, who’s yourself, don’t lose yourself

The dark shines brighter than the light and your tired

Tired of lying

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

What if the fight doesn’t end with the night

Come the light

What if the battle rages

Come the fight

Wade through the pain, love through the hate, avoid the mines that fill up your mind

Tired of trying

Let them in, let them in, The ones who can’t see

Scream and shout, scream it out

The demons you see, mines they can’t find, voices you hear

Let it out

Let them in

You’re tired because your fighting, trying all alone, the demons lay, voices stay but love doesn’t leave you on your own

The light it comes, won’t be undone, the dark turns grey

Tired

Love won’t quit 

Light is bright, together right

Lay down the fight and sleep tonight

Dream

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Believe

And dream sweet dreams

I thought I was a good mom, I thought God was good...then Anorexia happened

This is a face forever altered in wrinkles and worry lines 

These eyes have been bled dry of tears and yet they still cry

This smile is genuine

But these lips have mouthed prayers of confusion and desperation while simultaneously cursing the battle of mental health and eating disorders

*

Before this began

I thought I was a good mom…

*

Before this began

I thought God was good…

*

Mental health battles tear you up from the inside out - they’re gut wrenching, guilt producing, and make you question everything

*

Here’s what I know

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder

I didn’t give it to you either

Somehow we’re both stuck with it

*

And GOD

“He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE.  Because of the Lord’s great LOVE we are not consumed for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, GREAT is Your Faithfulness oh God.”

Lamentations 3 (selections)

*

God I’m not patient, nor am I used to this dependent waiting

I am learning to trust You with my every moment

That it’s okay to live in the moments

And that to be confused and angry with You is okay too

You can handle my emotion

You don't change, You are not dependent on my feelings 

You are trustworthy

You are faithful

You are good, even when my life is not

*

I am a good mom 

I have a great kid

And God - HE is good

And I watch you watching you

I watch you watching you

Every pane that has a reflection pulls you in to see

It’s probably just a phase, that’s the lie I tell me

But I am afraid

Afraid of the time you take,

Afraid of the control the reflection seems to wield

Afraid, as I watch you watching you

You don’t look at you the way you used to

A quick glance lingers, what thoughts do you think as your eyes strain to see

Mind twisted, distorted reflection

It is the thought, and the obsession

The only reflection you see is lacking

The only words you hear deceiving

We pray and plead and cry and try

With desperation we fight with truth against the lies

And we watch

Watch you watching you

There are days I think you see, days I think you hear, days I think maybe you’re not consumed with with the idea of watching you.  

But the watching days won’t relent, they seem to want to stay

And I fear you’re wasting away

Wasting away as I watch you watching you


Sharing these fragmented words written in real time a year ago in hopes they will bring understanding, encouragement and healing to others who are experiencing or have experienced the same trauma that is a mental illness diagnosis.
You are strong enough.
You can.
You are worth the fight.
You are loved.

This is anorexia...

It doesn’t discriminate

There is not one age, social status, family model or culture it attacks

For it cares not of its victims

And only of itself

It starts with a piece of truth, a thought, or an innocent comparison

Unassumingly it twists and bleeds the truth of its substance until it is something altogether different, consuming and caging

It hisses and curses and distorts

It calls you “fat, undisciplined, stupid, a failure”

You frantically look in the mirror but your reflection no longer belongs to you

It shows you only what it wants you to see

Your eyes deceive you and so you believe it

Conformity to its commands doesn’t make you happy but at least it offers relief from the incessant mutterings

It is always whispering and when it’s not it’s screaming

Food has no taste, life begins to lose its color, and so do you

The noise of it starts to sound normal and so you listen

It hates those that love you, and anything that brings you joy

It wants you exclusively for itself

So it feeds you a steady diet of lies, hoping to make you hate them too

It questions the goodness of God, and if He even exists

It steals away the joy of music, and snuffs out the light of your talent

It hurts those that love you the most in attempt to push them away

The lies fill you, instead of food

No matter how it hurts them - they keep loving you

And This will be its undoing

Love

For love does not discriminate, and cares nothing of itself

Love protects and hopes and perseveres

Love waits patiently

Love never fails

I promise to keep loving you until you come back to us and for all the days after.

To the reader, be it intrigue, interest or desperation that drove you seek out this title, may I ask, what do you picture when you hear anorexia?  

Now, take all those preconceived ideas, stereotypes and ask instead ‘what if all you imagined is wrong?’

What if anorexia steals the minds away of the unsuspecting, and of the best intentioned?

What if anorexia hurts kids whose parents love them?

What if anorexia isn’t gender discriminative?

What if you can’t understand until you’ve been in it?

I didn’t understand

Mental illness is a full-frontal attack on our humanity, it’s the poisoning of the human mind, heart, soul and body until all that remains is a hollowed out shell resembling the physical form of what once was.  But, it’s not without hope or the possibility of healing.

Mental health battles are real, they are misunderstood and under discussed.

And though love seems an unlikely and nonsensical weapon - it's a weapon that has stood the test of time, for when we are unlovely God chooses to love us through the ugly.

Goodbye Grandpa

Being a nurse was always where my heart was set
So all the Sunday dinners I missed I can not regret
Because caring for others' hurts, ills and pain made me ready to care for you
So on this sad Tuesday-day I was equipped to help you pass through

Memories of monster and being too afraid to run through the dark
Safety beside Mawna as Josh in your loving arms was caught
Diving in grain trucks, horse tanks, beans and tall rows of corn
Watching cows come to the sound of your old truck horn

I can not imagine subtracting you one from the other
Your lives were more because of each other
Marriage truly made you two into one
Sacrificial love, respect, honor, submission and God granted love

Pieces of you in the way Ethan plays
The smile on the face of our Charlie-girl, your namesake
Your life is woven undeniably into mine
I find you in rhyming words, in stories and truth telling lines

I don't remember you ever taking yourself too seriously
Yet, I can still hear your prayers over a table prepared
And I know your life was no game or joke
Rather lived with purpose because of and for the One who gives us eternal hope

So in this hope I rest
That you're at peace and wearing a crown
That as a saint you marched in
And in your death it's new life that you found

This doesn't mean our hearts aren't hurting or that we won't miss you a ton
But that your life was lived in the power of the Son
And though you're gone,
Our God, our faith, out family, laughter, love and playful smiles
You gave them to us
God never failed you and I know He will continue to show up for us

Love you grandpa

This little light of mine

Though their resting place is far
The stars pierce into the empty black
Guiding the moon into its place and the sun to rest
He dusted the stars into the void with only a breath
And though he could have emptied the world of all darkness
He chose instead to tolerate the shadow cast, and allowed it to remain
Maybe it's because without the dark we could not understand the light
Maybe it's to show us we always have the freedom to choose - for what is now darkness was once light, the most beautiful and bright, yet to be the most was not enough

That's what darkness does - it sucks the light out, it casts shadows over what is good and makes the most not enough
It lies and undermines the creator
It tricks and twists and steals the joy of enough away

Though the darkness remains, it will not always
But the light will always, was always and is always
It never fades or changes:
When we struggle to see, it's there
When we can't feel it's warm it is from within that it warms

So dance the sun down and thrive in the light of the stars
Watch the light remain, be restored in its glow
See clearly that the creator made you with the same star breath, Hear how deeply He loves you and Feel the warmth of His light
He calls you good and your enough is exactly what He meant for it to be
Shine for all to see because in you is His light and the darkness can not stand against the eternity within you

Human Condition

Life is fleeting
Roads merge and traveling happens together
Hearts bleeding
Pain is a part of the travel
We affect each other, our choices, our words, footsteps and stories

Life matters
We give and love and selfishly take, We learn
Feet move
Every move has worth
Value is not assigned through accomplishment instead through valuing every attempt

Life unravels
The thread gets tangled and worn
Minds wander
Joy wells up as we entangle
Memories captured as if looking through the still frame of a lens

Life ends
The road continues on
Souls breathe
Pain is no more, Feet dance, Worth is realized, Minds opened, Joy is made complete and every attempt celebrated
Life is fleeting it is also eternal

For all those whose footsteps have ceased, 

but whose stories have eternally merged with mine.

May we meet again

Breathing

Against all hope: Faith & Purpose not Perfection

Today I faced my humanity, my doubt and my sinful nature

Today I saw the face of God and in His reflection how small I am

Small, but not insignificant

Small, but purposed

Purposed for perhaps even more than I can know or imagine

And, so are you

It’s faith that gives us hope, faith that strengthens us, purposes us and faith that ultimately saves us from ourselves

“Against all hope, in hope Abraham believed...without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead...YET He did not waiver regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.  Being fully persuaded God had power to do what He promised.” - Romans 4:18-21

And so I asked myself the questions:

• What do I need to believe against all hope?
• What facts do I need to face?

The answers are these:

I will NOT be disappointed, for my hope is in the LORD (Isaiah 49:23)

GOD will save the kids He put in my care (Isaiah 49:25)

And

I am NOT in control.  I can not save you, and I can not save myself.

I will never be perfect

My body aches and my heart hurts.  Emotionally I am overwhelmed, I question every decision, every word, every yes and every no.

Today I faced my humanity, my lacking, and the unqualified nature of my role as mom

I wrestle for control when it’s not mine for the holding

I can not perceive the future, but I believe in a God who can

God, Who covers my humanity with His mercy

God, Who permeates my lacking with His abundance

God, Who qualifies me, just as I am with His grace

And so it’s not perfection that is the goal, but purpose

Hopeful, faith driven purpose

Not disillusioned about who we are

Rather fully aware, moved by a faith that is bigger than our fear and uncertainty

God thank you for being bigger than me, for making a 100 year old man a father, for making water flow in the desert, for fighting our battles, and for redeeming our souls.  You are a God who keeps His promises.  You are powerful.  You are enough.  I trust You.  Forgive my wavering, strengthen my faith for I am weak.  I hope in you.  Let me be about your purpose.  Guide me as I teach and lead and work and wife.  Thank you for my rock of a husband, and for the joy and peace that has been today. You have never expected perfection of me, help me to quit expecting it of myself.

In this season of hope, what is it you need to believe against all hope?

Eternal friendship - Temporary bodies

There's orange shag carpet covering the floor
Cards slide across the wooden table as kids make sound effects from behind the couch
They laugh and sing and stuff marshmallows to overflowing
On Sunday they teach, pray, serve and sing
Showing us how to live for THE greater thing

There's a new couch, a new house and the carpet is blue
Card games get exchanged for cheers and proud faces as kids make touch downs, goals, and run races
Together they sit in black and in gold
On Sunday they serve, pray teach and sing
Showing us still, no matter the state, there is ONE who is greater and worth our everything

We tested and tried  them, we grew older as did they
On Sunday they still teach, sing, serve and pray
Until one day we've all grown and gone away
This world tests and it tries and bodies fall prey, but we trust the ONE who is greater, and with us in our everyday

I don't know what tomorrow holds
But I know we get today
So today
Take on the mountains, and pass on traditions
Raise hands in worship and keep taking care of stray kittens

Kiss on the lips in that holy Sims kinda' way
Cheer for the Jackets in your gold and your black
Feel to the depths of all feeling
And make memories that last

Fight cancer with all the might that you have
Go to Silver Dollar City on a weekday with friends
Laugh that great laugh sharing it with your grandkids

Pray silent prayers for healing and for His grace
Shine on in your words and keep quoting King James

Show us what it's like to do this temporary time
Show us how to go into eternity secure, 
Trusting in Him we are more than just fine

Keep singing, and teaching and praying and serving
Until you get to the ONE who you've taught us to trust 
We trust Him with you as you've trusted Him with us

So today
I pray for your strength
And I pray for your rest
I pray for peace that surpasses any hurt, doubt, question or distress
I pray that we all realize that God's calling us back
Calling us to healing, to more, to deeper and away from regret
I pray for memories kept and words that we won't forget
I pray through tears of love and hope and sadness and pain
Knowing there's joy to be had in this everyday



To my second family.  Thank you.  Thank you for being there, every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, at every game, concert, and Wednesday night too.  Thanks for putting up with our piano playing and song writing and Tetris attempts.  Thanks for the spaghetti hot dish, and laugher, volleyball games, roast beef and love.  Thank you for your prayers, and your forgiveness too.  Thank you for the weenie roasts, basketball games and marshmallows for toasting golden brown through and through.  Thank you for friendship and for loving our family the way that Christ calls us to.

When Life's not what You had Planned, The Unseen Journey

I've been on a silent journey
For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you

I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you

Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you

You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains

The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth

But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)

I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty

She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same

There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same

God, 
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days, 
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them 
And change me because of them

It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living

I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you