You’re tired because you’re fighting the voices in your head, demons in your bed

The dark swallows the light and you’re tired

Tired of fighting

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe 

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

You’re tired because it’s lying, the voice of unbelief, Explain yourself, who’s yourself, don’t lose yourself

The dark shines brighter than the light and your tired

Tired of lying

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

What if the fight doesn’t end with the night

Come the light

What if the battle rages

Come the fight

Wade through the pain, love through the hate, avoid the mines that fill up your mind

Tired of trying

Let them in, let them in, The ones who can’t see

Scream and shout, scream it out

The demons you see, mines they can’t find, voices you hear

Let it out

Let them in

You’re tired because your fighting, trying all alone, the demons lay, voices stay but love doesn’t leave you on your own

The light it comes, won’t be undone, the dark turns grey

Tired

Love won’t quit 

Light is bright, together right

Lay down the fight and sleep tonight

Dream

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Believe

And dream sweet dreams

Eating Disorder [Resources] Survival Kit

You are not alone.  

This war is not yours only to wage.

There are other girls, other boys, other moms,  other dads, other sisters and brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and friends who have been affected by mental illness.

There is hope.  

You are not alone.  

There is healing.

To read the battle tale of others, and know that the fight is won in the fighting.

There is strength.

Vulnerability of your reality brings love, support and the prayers of many that strengthen on the days you don't have the strength (and there will be days....)

And 

There is power in knowledge.

These resources, while certainly not exhaustive were personally helpful to me.  To grasp even a small understand of the thing we were fighting was immeasurably empowering.  Yes, WE - not him, but US.  

Family Based Therapy or the Maudsley approach encourages all members of the family to fight together each with their own roles and responsibilities - more on that later.

* Holy Bible This book is more than a book to me.  Here I found and find daily strength and encouragement to fight against the spiritual attack that accompanied/accompanies the metabolic crisis and eating disorder diagnosis.  During our two-week hospital stay I read through Ephesians using a Katie Orr FOCUSED 15 bible study.

If you don’t read the bible daily, try starting in Psalms.  David, is the author and a poet (but not the cheesy kind, and seldom does it rhyme).  Found in the middle of the Bible, in this book are details of his everyday emotion ridden walk with God - good, bad and in between.  Stories of belief, doubt, failure, success, fear, courage, anger, love, rebellion, obedience, heart ache, joy and wisdom.    

* Be The Gift, Ann Voskamp.  Ann beautifully crafts her words to be honest, uplifting and challenging simultaneously.  Her book helped to get me out of my own way.  It reminded me our pain is not wasted, and that we can be a gift to others because of it. 

* Brave Girl Eating, Harriet Brown.  I didn’t make it through this book because when I started reading I was too close to the crisis she details.  Author Brown details an honest look at the emotional, physical and familial cost when battling an eating disorder.

* Your Teenager is Not Crazy, Dr. Jeramy Clark & Jerusha Clark.  This book details the chemical and neurological changes that happen from child to teen.  I am still reading it / re-reading it.  This quote from their book prompted me to reach out for help despite my fears. “If you suspect negative body image is beginning to control your sons’s or daughter’s life, don’t wait.  Seek help immediately…” (pg. 259) 

^^^^This is the best advice I can give you, before you order a book, read another blog post or online forum, make the call you've been dreading.  Do not let fear keep you from fighting back against that which is threatening to steal away the mind and body of the one you love. 

* Help Your Teenager Beat An Eating Disorder, James Lock, MD, PhD & Daniel Le Grange, PhD.  Filled with detailed case studies, information about eating disorders and practical ways to take a stand for your teens recovery, this book, written from the medical perspective, empowered me with knowledge and understanding.  I walked away from this book with a healthy fear of anorexia but also the will to beat it.

* Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders.  feast-ed.org  

This website is full of free resources for EVERYONE that an eating disorder touches.  This is the place to gain practical every day advice an wisdom about how to make a plate "magic," craft 600 calorie mashed potatoes, but also reminders and truths about eating disorders.  This is the place for you, but also the place to send grandparents, teachers, friends, and all the support staff that want to understand and help you on the journey.  

BONUS I highly recommend getting yourself a core group of trusted family members and friends who will join you in the battle.  We had a core group of 20-30 people to whom I sent email updates.   These wonderful people committed to pray for us and gave selflessly of their time, money and energy to be our strength and energy when we had none.

Ask me a question....jamie.g4@gmail.com

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A Mom's Promises on Mother's Day

Today a mamma woke up without her baby girl

She was wearing smiley face socks and driving too fast

Now she’s gone

The world doesn’t make sense a lot of the time

My darling children, I would make sense of it all for you if I could

If only I could

This year we’ve lived together, at times, hasn’t made much sense

Here’s what I know

I love being you mom

Good times, Hard times, Sad times, and Everything in-between times

Growth happens when we push through hard times

Growing doesn’t always feel good

God is good even when life isn’t

Problems don’t get better when ignored

Facing problems requires humility

Humble people make the best humans

Secrets are dangerous

Unless the secret is a present, presents are the opposite of dangerous

However if the present is a crocodile that IS dangerous, don’t give a crocodile as a gift

Give thoughtful presents over costly ones - always

Words, Time, Presence

The ability to love isn’t based on the actions of another, but on your willingness to give and forgive even when love isn’t deserved

That’s how God loves us

With a bigger love than we deserve even when we don’t love Him back

I hope you always choose to love Him

Seatbelts save lives,

Wear your seat belt, Wear socks that make you happy (even if they don’t match)

Follow the speed limit signs

Sometimes we get lost

We get lost inside ourselves, lost in circumstance, lost in lies

Let truth guide you and pull you out of yourself, your circumstance and confusion

Being lost will give way to being found

Worry is normal

You may worry about grades, about what to wear, about what others think, about tomorrow, about a great many things that are out of your control

Don’t let worry drive you

God’s knows and He’s got it all under control

Find perspective, pray, be thankful and choose peace

A kind word and a smile goes a long way

Smile often, make eye contact, be honest and speak kindly

Listen more than you speak

Doubt happens

We doubt ourselves, and our God

Don’t let your doubt determine who you are or who you believe God to be

Ask questions but don’t wallow in the place of questioning, God never changes

Different is God’s design for the world

You are the only you, created with talents, and skills unlike any other

These are for you to use, not to squander in selfishness or bury in fear

Use them for the glory of the One who made you, for the relief and refreshment of a world in need, and for the betterment of others

Be the different you were created to be

Life happens in seasons

Seasons of doubt, of joy, of heartache, of trial, of loss, of security, of ease, of regret, of forgiveness and of renewal

Embrace them all, for they will all shape you into you

You are stronger than you think

Be resilient, be affected but don’t allow the weight of trial to break you

And when you’re not strong enough let God be your strength

He will

So on this mother’s day

I promise to never stop growing

And to trust God’s goodness when life isn’t good.

I promise to name and face problems

And grow in humility.

I promise to give you words, time, and presence

But, never a crocodile.

I promise to love you no matter what

And to love God too.

I promise to buy you whatever socks make you happy, always wear my seatbelt,

And to drive the speed limit.

I promise to look for you, to love you (lost or found)

And to always tell you the truth.

I promise to worry as little as humanly possible about you

And to trust that God is in control.

I promise to smile, to look into your eyes, to speak words of kindness

And to listen more than I lecture.

I promise to share my doubt

But not let it determine who I know God to be.

I promise to embrace my different for God’s glory

And to encourage you to do the same.

I promise to hold every season with a sense of awe

And to let you grow into who you’re meant to be.

I promise to be strong: strong for you, for me, for the unknown

And rely on God’s strength.

So, though I can not change the world to make it make sense for you

May I always point you to the One who will get you through.

You are amazing, you are strong, you are beautiful and I am so grateful to get to be your Mom.

Keep Calm and MOM ON

To all the Mom's 

Sacrifice comes easy at first, it starts with your body and then it's your sleep - until you realize it's all of you - they get.  

Good days and bad, they get you.  

They get your tired, Your enduring 

Your patience, and lack of it

They get your selfish, Your loving

Your dreams, and your learning 

Because we are continually learning; with them, about them, and how to be for us and for them.

They get your reprimands - because they need them, No they deserve them. 

Your messy hair, and your habits

They get to watch you love their daddy, witness your mess-ups, your giving, and forgiving. 

They get your apologies too because mommies aren't perfect

Love wells up from some unknown, God preserved place and prayers encompass all the deficit 

And you get to play pretend again 

So play and imagine with them what they'll be when they grow up

Read to them, inspire them, encourage them, challenge them

But most of all love them, and cherish every second that you get to call them yours

Because someday this job of being their mom as we know it right now will be done 

Being a Mom is a world changing calling

Little people grown into big ones 

No matter the age we're raising, we are raising adults

The world will be changed because of us, the questions that remains now is how?
So love to all the Mom's changing diapers, attitudes and the world.
You are amazing.

And a special shout out and thanks to mine, for being exactly the one I needed, and need still.

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

When I grow up I'm going to...

I was the one with the dolls and stuffed animals, pretending and playing
Commanding and organizing and bossing
l was the big sister who mothered the littlest
And cleaned up after the messy middle (he may or may not have paid me in quarters and pennies)
I was the one who saw her, she made the sacrifice look easy
And the work, I never heard her complain
I wanted to be exactly like her

When I grow up,
"I'm going to be a mom"

But when pretend grew too small, stuffed animals got put on a shelf
And just as I outgrew my dolls, the brothers seemed to outgrow my bossing
I was the one who wanted to be a mom and maybe play in the WNBA
My friends, they were going to be doctors, lawyers, scientist, pro-athletes and astronauts
They were going to change the world
And I began to questions the sufficiency of my grown up dream

In high school I started to pretend again,
Everybody does it, but no one talks about it
Boys still pretend they're going to be professional athletes
Girls, plan and plot for what their life will be,
I dreamt about boys and college and imagined I had control over my five year plan

I carry the vision of her with me
She's sitting at the kitchen table, journaling, praying (probably for me) and reading her bible as we drive ourselves to school.  
And still I want to be her, even if I don't fully understand what that means, or if the world doesn't recognize it as an acceptable goal
"I just want to be a Mom when I grow up"

I became a nurse, because I found out being a mom doesn't pay very well
The pursuit of what we're most passion about often doesn't pay the bills
Unless you're apart of the world's 3% that does become a professional athlete
I digress

Then one day I met Mr.Right (after several Mr.REALLY Wrongs)
You know he's Mr.Right when he loves Jesus, makes you laugh, opens your car door, and when he sees you - He saw me; beautiful, imperfect, bossy, emotional, the whole me
And he loved me anyway
We got married, and played house for several months, I liked to cook and make dessert (we both put on 5-10 happy pounds), laundry was fun and then came the two stripes on the pee stick, or was it a plus-sign?

Eight long, hard, painful months later (yes it was really only eight)
I looked into his deep brown eyes, dependent and trusting looking back into mine
And I realized
It's mom's that change the world

I always wanted to be her
Almost ten years later, I'm still learning what it means to emulate her
And I'm growing everyday into being their Mom
Imagining with them, reading to them, teaching them, playing with them, challenging them, [hopefully] inspiring them
Praying for them
And for me
That this desire "to be a mom" would always be my first priority because God gave me that passion, and these two for a purpose
This passion may not pay the bills, but I'm overjoyed to be called to this penniless career that pays in hugs and kisses
Because it has an eternal impact, and fulfills in ways that can not be measured

So to all you moms
Keep loving, cherishing, inspiring, encouraging, and pretending
You're not "just a mom"
You're a world changer
And Mom, Thanks for being my inspiration and example, you did it well and continue to 

I'm not okay - and you don't have to be either...

I'm not a perfect wife - I speak when I should just listen, I try to plan and control when I need to just let go
I'm not the Mom they always need me to be - I miss moments when I should cherish them, I get to busy with the everyday and forget their time with me is short, someday I'll want him to talk to me about anything even if that thing is cars or Lego's and I'll want her incessant make-believe ramblings to fill the void of silence, I'm short-tempered and tired
I'm not the best friend - I should write more cards, and remember dates more accurately, I'm good at making coffee but do I listen well and am I what they need?
I'm in love with a God that poured out all so I could know Him, but I'm an imperfect lover - I'm selfish and often stressing and striving when I should be asking and trusting

This place where we rub shoulders and incompletely love each other
It's a mess
There is no perfect marriage, family, friend, mother, daughter or church

But what if we're created for a world that's different?
One stripped of uncertainty, hurt and stress
A place where your Daddy loves you unquestionably and your Mom doesn't fade in death?
A world filled with contentment, joy and fulfillment
A city where friends are real and the incurable is rendered cured
Where trials cease, and brokenness is pieced to perfection

And what if in the mean time - living in this one - we don't have to pretend to be anything we're not?
You don't have to be okay, or fine unless you really are
I can need and you can want
We can be hurting, questioning, and inadequate
We can be a broken vessels, leaking life while trying to live

Because this world is a mess
We are married to imperfect people, friends with the flawed, employees under the incomplete, daughters of deficient parents, and part of churches full of broken people
But, this temporary world, with it's lacking and wearing on your soul
It doesn't have to strip you of life
In the middle of chaos and clutter there is hope
In the middle of dying there is life to be lived, and leaky vessels can be made new

That world, where you belong - it exists
And there is a way
But you don't get there by being better or scraping away the flaws
We start by believing
Acknowledging that we're needy, imperfect, hurting and desperate for hope and re-made relationship
Then we let Him love us
And with all our imperfections we love Him back
With the kind of love that does
While mercy covers all the mistakes and grace makes you new.  Not patched or better, but whole and wholly new

So in the middle of not being okay, because there will still be days when you're not okay
While missing moments, and trying to control and being a lover who is lacking
There's hope and forgiveness and freedom

So let's unite in our lacking, 
Let's make this world a little less okay and a lot more hopeful
Let's be friends who dream together, Mother's who ask for forgiveness, Daughter's and Son's who talk, Wives who listen, Husbands who care, Fathers who protect, God lovers who pour out their all
Let's make church a place where people are free to be broken, needy, hurting, who they are and loved 
Let's love with action
And trust that God is working in our mess
Because we will never be good enough
But HE is and the place we belong is waiting