You’re tired because you’re fighting the voices in your head, demons in your bed

The dark swallows the light and you’re tired

Tired of fighting

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe 

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

You’re tired because it’s lying, the voice of unbelief, Explain yourself, who’s yourself, don’t lose yourself

The dark shines brighter than the light and your tired

Tired of lying

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Just believe

Dream sweet dreams

Sleep

What if the fight doesn’t end with the night

Come the light

What if the battle rages

Come the fight

Wade through the pain, love through the hate, avoid the mines that fill up your mind

Tired of trying

Let them in, let them in, The ones who can’t see

Scream and shout, scream it out

The demons you see, mines they can’t find, voices you hear

Let it out

Let them in

You’re tired because your fighting, trying all alone, the demons lay, voices stay but love doesn’t leave you on your own

The light it comes, won’t be undone, the dark turns grey

Tired

Love won’t quit 

Light is bright, together right

Lay down the fight and sleep tonight

Dream

Dream sweet dreams

Even if it’s make believe

Believe

And dream sweet dreams

Then there's you...

“There’s everybody else, then there’s you.”

This is my favorite card of all time. 

It’s from my mother-in-law.  

Displayed prominently between the nickel and dime jar on our bookshelves it sits as a constant reminder that it is a great thing to be me.

Sometimes I see the grey, the tangles, the failures and the faults

Sometimes I compare

Sometimes I forget that I’m the only me, on purpose, for a purpose

Sometimes I forget I’m a rainbow.

Incase you needed to hear it today - You are a rainbow. 

It is a great thing to be you.

See the color, the creativity, the strength, the uniqueness.

Don’t waste time comparing, and be kind to yourself.

Because there’s everybody else, then there’s you.

The only you, on purpose, for a purpose.

I thought I was a good mom, I thought God was good...then Anorexia happened

This is a face forever altered in wrinkles and worry lines 

These eyes have been bled dry of tears and yet they still cry

This smile is genuine

But these lips have mouthed prayers of confusion and desperation while simultaneously cursing the battle of mental health and eating disorders

*

Before this began

I thought I was a good mom…

*

Before this began

I thought God was good…

*

Mental health battles tear you up from the inside out - they’re gut wrenching, guilt producing, and make you question everything

*

Here’s what I know

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder

I didn’t give it to you either

Somehow we’re both stuck with it

*

And GOD

“He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE.  Because of the Lord’s great LOVE we are not consumed for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, GREAT is Your Faithfulness oh God.”

Lamentations 3 (selections)

*

God I’m not patient, nor am I used to this dependent waiting

I am learning to trust You with my every moment

That it’s okay to live in the moments

And that to be confused and angry with You is okay too

You can handle my emotion

You don't change, You are not dependent on my feelings 

You are trustworthy

You are faithful

You are good, even when my life is not

*

I am a good mom 

I have a great kid

And God - HE is good

The stories I can't write and thoughts on being affected

I wanted you to have a perfect story
But from first breath you emerge crying
Because this world is cold
And my warmth wasn't [isn't] enough
But greater than perfection is grace, and that's what I hope for your story
I want your story to be a deluge of grace
No story is perfect, but a grace-filled story can be

I didn't want your story to hurt
But the writing of it sometimes does
Because hurting is human
And we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves, our souls, and the God who created us
But without hurt there would be no healing, and that's what I hope for your story
No story is without hurt, but a story of healing is powerful
I want your story to be powerful

I wanted you to have a story
But before your life started it was over
Because sometimes life ends too quickly
And I'm not in control [thank God I'm not in control]
But without your being and your ending I might not have grown, we affect each other
I want your story to be affective and affected
No one story is written without affecting another

Your story is not mine to write, nor wish-into reality
It's written in the moments
By a Hand greater than mine
For a purpose bigger than you or I can imagine

Your story isn't who they say your are or the lies that your mind whispers
It's not your trials, accomplishments, failures, or successes
It's not what you look like or the things that you do

Your story is
The guts you show
It's the emotions you express and the ones you learn how to control
It's the words you write and the love you give
It's the tears, the honesty, the laughter and the joy
Your story is
Giving your all and knowing your all is enough
It's choosing to see the good, and the light, and the beauty when ugly and dark threaten to steal your hope away
It's standing for what's right and believing the truth even when it seems unbelievable
It's knowing life isn't fair and doing your best anyway
Your story is
The truth written on your heart,
Inscribed through years of trial and overcoming and learning and growing
It's being okay with not being okay, but not allowing yourself to stay there
The freedom found in being yourself 

Your story,
Is not mine to write
Though sometimes I try
So instead,
I'll let your story unfold
I'll let myself be affected and hope I can affect you too
I'll pray
And I'll be here

When you succeed and when you fail
I'll be here
When you hurt and when you overcome
I'll be here
When you gut it out and when you feel like you can't
I'll be here
When you stand and when you fall
I'll be here
When you laugh and when you cry
I'll be here
When you doubt and when you're sure
I'll be here
Trusting, and modeling, and serving, loving and remembering
Because for now, you're mine to be here for

Eternal friendship - Temporary bodies

There's orange shag carpet covering the floor
Cards slide across the wooden table as kids make sound effects from behind the couch
They laugh and sing and stuff marshmallows to overflowing
On Sunday they teach, pray, serve and sing
Showing us how to live for THE greater thing

There's a new couch, a new house and the carpet is blue
Card games get exchanged for cheers and proud faces as kids make touch downs, goals, and run races
Together they sit in black and in gold
On Sunday they serve, pray teach and sing
Showing us still, no matter the state, there is ONE who is greater and worth our everything

We tested and tried  them, we grew older as did they
On Sunday they still teach, sing, serve and pray
Until one day we've all grown and gone away
This world tests and it tries and bodies fall prey, but we trust the ONE who is greater, and with us in our everyday

I don't know what tomorrow holds
But I know we get today
So today
Take on the mountains, and pass on traditions
Raise hands in worship and keep taking care of stray kittens

Kiss on the lips in that holy Sims kinda' way
Cheer for the Jackets in your gold and your black
Feel to the depths of all feeling
And make memories that last

Fight cancer with all the might that you have
Go to Silver Dollar City on a weekday with friends
Laugh that great laugh sharing it with your grandkids

Pray silent prayers for healing and for His grace
Shine on in your words and keep quoting King James

Show us what it's like to do this temporary time
Show us how to go into eternity secure, 
Trusting in Him we are more than just fine

Keep singing, and teaching and praying and serving
Until you get to the ONE who you've taught us to trust 
We trust Him with you as you've trusted Him with us

So today
I pray for your strength
And I pray for your rest
I pray for peace that surpasses any hurt, doubt, question or distress
I pray that we all realize that God's calling us back
Calling us to healing, to more, to deeper and away from regret
I pray for memories kept and words that we won't forget
I pray through tears of love and hope and sadness and pain
Knowing there's joy to be had in this everyday



To my second family.  Thank you.  Thank you for being there, every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, at every game, concert, and Wednesday night too.  Thanks for putting up with our piano playing and song writing and Tetris attempts.  Thanks for the spaghetti hot dish, and laugher, volleyball games, roast beef and love.  Thank you for your prayers, and your forgiveness too.  Thank you for the weenie roasts, basketball games and marshmallows for toasting golden brown through and through.  Thank you for friendship and for loving our family the way that Christ calls us to.

When Life's not what You had Planned, The Unseen Journey

I've been on a silent journey
For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you

I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you

Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you

You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains

The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth

But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)

I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty

She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same

There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same

God, 
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days, 
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them 
And change me because of them

It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living

I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you

For the fatherless daughter...claim what's already yours

I hear the pain in her voice and see it in tears that linger in the blue of her eyes
It's better, but it's never truly gone
How could he could choose to father her but not be her Father
Selfishly he chased after love, fulfillment, experience and life without her
Miles became an excuse
Time slipped away
Memories (what few they were) haunting and empty
Until she learned to quit expecting of him, how to not need him, and live without him

fathers disappoint

They let-down, lie, and they leave
And in their wake, are the hearts of little girls.
Little girls who question love (the verb) and doubt the possibility of marriage that lasts
Heart wounds, are never truly dulled, and the holes are never fully healed
Girls with leaky hearts become women with leaky hearts
They don't all fulfill the stigma of girls with daddy complexes - running into the emptiness of one man's arms/bed to the next
Some grow up to hope for different and more
Some learn to forgive
Over and over - everyday, for this mess that they inherited, the heartache, the doubt and the years that they had no control over
Some learn to live, to claim what's been waiting for them
The love of a Father
A Father whose inheritance is comforting, secure, confident, hopeful and joy-filled
A Father who sees the sins of the fathers
But chooses to reveal himself to the father-less
A Father who never fails, and keeps His promises for generations
A Father who cares
A Father worthy of the title "daddy"

Some learn to take the hand of this forever Father
And though their hearts still leak,
They find the courage to trust, and there is purpose in their pain
They are no longer defined as fatherless, they have an inheritance
And they have a right-now plan to pursue
Sometimes that's a man, that smiles too big, and asks the question she had thought about saying "no" too a thousand times
Sometimes that's a call to a country far away where they drink coffee and remind you not to sit on the side-walk
Sometimes it's the necessity to be more to your father than he ever was to you
No matter what it is - She's holding her Daddy's hand and it's going to be okay


For my 3 all-time favorite blonde's - I Love you!

To my Fellow Pediatric Nurses, and Parents of Pediatric Patients Everywhere - HOPE

Being a nurse in the world of pediatrics,
Hope is a banner.
Kids are resilient - neurons find new routes, cells regenerate, walking can be relearned, cancer can be cured, wounds heal, and life can be lived - even if it's lived between hospital visits, surgeries, pokes, probes, pain meds, and possibilities.
We hope -
We hope families show up, and we pray for the ones that do.
Because we see through the Caringbridge posts and Facebook updates.
We see how heavy dreams are and how they slip away.
We see the seizures, and fevers, the sleepless nights, the breathing tubes, IV's and treatments.
We hear the cries and wipe the tears.  We whisper prayers.
We know it hurts you more Mommy and Daddy than it hurts them.  It hurts us too.
This life we live, this job, with it's tubes and wires and babies not breathing on their own it's normal to us - but it's not normal.
We say we're sorry and then we hold them down to draw the blood or change the dressing.
We hate it.  But we don't hate being there for you.  And we hope you know.
We hope to share a smile with them, to see them as you know them, and hope for their wholeness.

Being a nurse in the world of pediatrics
Hope, sometimes, disappoints
Kids aren't always as resilient as we hope - despite our best efforts, cheers, and prayers - life ends.
We don't quit fighting until we're told to, but we do what we're told and then it's time to hold.
Hold hands, little sisters and tearful mothers.  Hold little bodies and invincible teenagers.  Hold out for the next one - because this normal, we know, has proven to us that there will be a next one.
So we hold onto hope.
It's a banner, because we need it to be.
We need to believe that dreams come true, that life can truly be lived between hospital visits, that cancer will be cured, wounds healed, neurons re-routed, cells regenerated, and walking relearned.

We hope you know patients and parents we're hoping with you.
And to my fellow PICU and Pediatric Nurses - never loose hope.
Because HOPE is our banner
And being a nurse in the world of pediatrics requires it.

The 7 Things I hate [most] about my neighbors

Mr Rogers was the BEST!
Snappy cardigans, slippers, puppets, imagination and manners
Who wouldn't love to be his neighbor?

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
But when we stepped into our little house with the red door no one asked us if we would be theirs
Our only welcome, the incessant barking of our next door neighbors pet
Who ten years later still barks at us

I hadn't given any thought to what kind of neighbor I wanted, or to what kind I would be
But the longer I'm here, the more I realize
Being a neighbor is hard
And I'm not sure how good of one I am

Here's what I hate most about my neighbors...

1. I hate that her husband left

2. I hate that his leaving left her empty and angry

3. I hate that I can hear her cry and yell

4. I hate that her son is growing up without a dad and stuck with a Mom who's emotionally overdrawn and running on empty

5. I hate that it's easier to take over baked goods and dinner than to sit and talk

6. I hate that I can't fix her broken life

7. I hate that I have baked more than I've listened


If baking was a love language everyone understood - I speak it
Someone dies, and my first thought is I think I'll make cookies
Some one's sick, remedy = cookies
People are coming over - I can make chocolate chippers in 16 min
My neighbor is sad and angry and empty and I don't know what to do...cookies
But cookies don't fix divorce or anger or empty
Thing is I know who does
But I'm realizing while a life lived consistently within grace beside someone may show them you've found something different to build your life on, without words it doesn't offer them anything more than empty calories
Jesus repaired my broken relationship
He has given me peace, and the opportunity to be content
He listens to me, intercedes for me, holds me up and fills me up

So the next time I bake her cookies - I'll be praying over the flour, and for the opportunity to listen and speak about who my life is built on because cookies without Jesus don't fix broken
But I think cookies with Jesus might turn me into the kind of neighbor I want to be
The kind of neighbor He wants me to be

Suicide, Lies and Release

Words penetrate deep and expectations pull like heavy weights

Until the measure of life is lost in distorted views of good enough

But she fears the disappointment more than the loss of her own life

And instead of speaking her pain

She swallows it 

Swallows the pain chased with pills

Whatever bottle or bottles, she can find

Because in that moment 

Her life is void

The high expectations, un-attained, have un-done her

Pulled her into the lie

That
She
Is
Worthless

That her value is found in goals met, boxes checked and reaching standards she didn't set

The sting of words burns so deep

That from the inside out she radiates the lying heat of words breathed

And she believes that she won't ever measure up

She believes that this world IS too much

That she's not good enough 

And that she's not worth it

Not worth the effort to love

Nor the space that her body fills

Not worth the air that stretches her lungs

Nor forgiving or hearing or trying 

And she believes the lie that she's alone

That even if she screamed her hurt

Let the tears pool 

No one would listen

No one would care

And so she swallows

Swallows the lies

And worn to empty, she concludes

That physical death is better 

Better than living under pressure 

Better than failing

And so she swallows

Because words hurt
And pills are accessible
But it's not the pills or the words that burn into soul
She feels alone because over and over she's swallowed the the lies that at sometime began to control
It's the same since the beginning
And the devil keeps smearing it
Because he, IS a liar, and he is good at it
He talks of God and leaves you questioning
Then he elevates you
And you begin to think,
Maybe - just maybe, you can take the place of HIM
     he makes the selfish seem normal and the self-less harmful
     he makes opinions matter more than the love of your Heavenly Father
     he spits lies but they come out looking like magazine covers, and best selling albums
     he deceives with his tongue and torments with his power

I know because I lived it once

Believed it once
Was afraid to be found out once
But that devil snake, his power ends when the name of Jesus is spoken
Jesus
Who radiates God's glory
Is the exact imprint of God's nature
And who holds up the universe with spoken word
Jesus
Who left the glory and perfection of heaven
Putting on human skin
To walk among us, understand us, experience us,
Know us
Know our hurts and burdens and struggles and normalcy
Jesus
Who walked in humility, and grace and mercy
Jesus
Who traded his perfection
For sin's punishment
Dying; human skin ripped from flesh, lungs stinging with the need for air, blood spilled down a cross
I was meant to bear
Jesus
Who pursues our hearts
And knows them
Jesus
Who breathes truth into the doubting mind
And pours living water into the thirsty soul
Jesus
Who shines light through the haze
And illuminates the way
Jesus
Who came to redeem
And calls your his brother
Jesus
Who knows your name
And calls you his sister
Jesus
Who came to disprove every lie
And smash the head of the serpent
Jesus
Who didn't stay in the grave
Giving hope for the future

So I whisper a prayer, over all the dark and delusions
And ask that my tongue be an instrument used to encourage
I live openly a failure
Redeemed for a purpose
Messy and imperfect
But covered in grace
Trusting his perfection
And power
When I call on His name

Linking up today with Meredith Bernard and tweeting #woman2woman

And the wonderful Holley Gerth at Coffee For Your Heart

When you need put back together

Light is too bright and sounds resonate inside my head
Routine makes me weary
Normal takes unnecessary effort
And there is always more to do
I am not myself
Broken
Impatient healing

He brushes the hair from my eyes
Holding my cheeks he whispers the words
"you are the glue - always giving and putting others before yourself - you hold us together"
His hands melt into mine and I rest on his shoulder
In peaceful, life giving silence
I rest

But I don't feel like the glue
I am overwhelmed by the mountain of laundry
And dusty shelves
And deadlines that won't be met
And one more night of take-out leaves me feeling inadequate
How can I hold everyone together when I can't hold myself together

I need held
Here in my impatience, and inability
I need pasted and pieced together
And here on his shoulder feeling like not enough
The Spirit breathes into our silence
...in Him all things hold together

So, for today I'm okay to be broken
Held together by a big God
Resting in His promises
Trusting His plan
Growing Patience
Learning to accept help
Thankful to be held

Colossians 1:17

One Word - Five Minutes - Wonderful Community - Lisa-Jo Baker