The darkness gripped me and silence held me hostage, so under my covers I would hide.  Eyes shut tight, awaiting rest to overtake the silence.  But even there, behind my eyes it was dark, and though I ran, fear followed.  I watched helplessly as all I knew to be love and home was stripped away until there was nothing - only me.  Alone, and afraid in the darkness, that's how the nightmares always ended.

But for some it's not a nightmare

Life is a walking dream that doesn't end when eyes open 

Parents loose babies and Daughters lose their Mommas

Cancer steals away time and Time is always fleeting

Husbands cheat, Wives cry and Families get by 

We're all dying

...he [Jesus] became flesh and blood... for only as a human being could he die and in dying break the power of the devil who had the power of death. Only in that way could he deliver those who through fear of death have been living all their lives as slaves to constant dread. 

-- Hebrews 10:14-15

In my nightmares I never died

I was more afraid of living without, of loosing, of watching those I love break than of death itself

But not anymore

Because I know I am never alone, and the One who goes with me is trustworthy

So when the unthinkable happens

When lives break and nightmares become reality

We can choose to be afraid, to run, to freeze, or we can choose to be at peace in His brokenness

Break out of the normal, and the accepted - Walk into that which is beyond your reason

Choose to put your full weight in something that's bigger than yourself, 

Trust

Forgive, be forgiven

Feel

Love and be loved

Rest

Be broken, but don't let the world break you

Because death has no power - and fear is no longer worthy of being called your master

Linking up with Kate Motaung and the 

FMF writers, todays word - Break

Over HERE

Giving Up for the Gathering

Week after week we gather together 

Prioritizing life around something called life-group

It's not legalistic or ritualistic or religious

It's just life

Here, the word fellowship is made real in cups of coffee, cookies and confession 

Gathering is giving up time to show up

And life is more fully lived when people show up

Uniting in forgiveness and the sacrifice of time

Because

Encouragement doesn't come from strangers 

It's found in the faces of the ones who know your heart and your mistakes

And if we don't rub shoulders - how are we going to rub off on each other?

A day is coming when we'll be gathered 

And on the day our Savior shows up I'll be ready because you showed up 

Until then, I need you to rub off on me, encourage me, forgive me, inspire me, love me

And collectively give up for the gathering

Linking up with the  Five Minute Friday writers

@ Kate Motaung.com 

7 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Vows

Before worse fell, and poorer was a reality,

Before babies stole our sleep, my waist line and our time

Before we knew what it meant to be held and to have

We made a promise 

Unknowing what keeping it would require

You my love are not perfect

And there are days I give you my worst because I'm not perfect either

But you have me, 

And with you I'm better

All the seemingly insignificant little life stuff adds up 

And you keep showing up

Holding me in your actions

Making me smile, opening doors, doing dishes, prioritizing us

I remember the first time sickness stole my decency

And it didn't phase you

You just wanted to make it better

I'm not a very good patient, but you are patient

I didn't understand the depth of love

How it gives, acts, and grows

And I'm learning how to cherish us,

In the quiet, in the dark, in the ordinary and uncertainty, in prayers whispered and dreams shared  

In the middle of tired and routine - How do we keep our promise?

1. Have; have fun, and have each other- at our best, at our worst and in bed

2. Hold hands, eye contact, and on to truth

3. Love with actions; plan date nights, get aways, and do dishes

4. Speak honestly; say what you mean, mean what you say and when it's not "fine" don't sit in silence 

5. Give selflessly; give time, kisses, and without expectation

6. Walk humbly; your needs and feelings above mine, my needs and feeling above yours

7. FORGIVE; most of all this - because no one is perfect

Linking up with the Five Minute Friday writers

Hosted by the lovely Kate Motaung

Just Wait...

"Just wait till you have kids" she would say...never irritated or sarcastic, but enough times that I remembered it 

An honest plea from the depth of her anytime we teased about her worrying heart, or their rules

Just wait

And in the middle of life my waiting happened

And I understand

I grasp what it feels like to have a piece of your heart living outside your body, outside your control, outside your will

Love is full of waiting

Waiting through the pain of their arrival 

And for curfews

Waiting for exhaustion to end while meeting their every need 

And for maturity

Waiting on them to see right, and grasp the love in obedience

And for manners

Waiting through silence, needing them to speak their heart

And for celebrations

Love is patient

And I'm so glad she taught me how to wait

Linking up with the
Five Minute Friday writers over at
katemotaung.com

Truth or Dare

Truth or Dare

I always chose truth

But if the question was about a boy -sometimes I'd lie

Because didn't everyone like the same boy in middle school?

Truth

Truth hasn't always been easy for me

Ask my mom about the glasses I "needed" in second or third grade

But real truth doesn't change

And the truth is

We are made different

So she poses the question...

Who put the DARE in "Dare to be different"?

Then she asks a few more

And wraps up with this:

"If things are going to change then different needs to cease being a dare"

She's 17

And I know she's going to shape the world 

Because she already is

And she's right

If things are going to change different needs to just be

So I still choose truth

Unchanging and different

I'll build my life on belief

And let the rest fall into place

I've never been good at dares

But I'm pretty okay with being just me

Writing for 5 min about one word and 

linking up over at Katemotaung.com

#fmf

Ready for Goodbye

How do you prepare a heart to ache

Or ready arms for emptiness

Because too soon she will be far away

Her hugs and wild hair

Her silly voice, imagination and spontaneity

Two peas

And she's not ready to go a week without her

I'm not ready 

And so I hold her and we ready 

Ready our hearts 

And whisper what goodbye for now means

While making plans for road trips and Skype dates

Because our readiness doesn't determine how this life goes

Life just goes

And we get to choose how to react

So we look at maps and measure miles in time 

We make plans

And talk about how forever isn't disrupted by distance

But until the day that goodbye is required

Two peas they remain 

Living between make-believe and reality, surrounded by barbies, running with abandon, holding hands, overflowing with passion for everything life and hugging tightly 

Linking Up with Kate Motaung and the Five Minute Friday Writers

Writing for five minutes about one word.

Drawn

He threw out a life line

He reached out His hand

He drew me up out

And I began to breathe again

I didn't know I was drowning

Until I breathed in this new air

His hand outstretched

And my way now made clear

The walk with Him isn't always easy

But to His hand I hold tight

Because He drew me out

He gave me new life

So I give what I have

Admittedly not much

And He never lets go

Through doubt, insecurity, and feeling I'm not enough

He reached out for me

He drew me up out

I choose life with Him 

No matter what comes

Because He is my Life Line

My Savior 

My Lord

Linking up today with Kate Motanung 

the Five Minute Friday #writers at #fmfparty

And Essential Things Devotions

How to be changed for the better -

I've been pondering this word
CHANGE
And how time does
It changes me
Or is it I change with the passing
Each moment
Full or empty
Intentional or lacking in the routine and self-absorption
We do
In time - Change

And I think of how when faced with a need to change -to not send our kids back to their public school
How choices change
Choices made, or avoided
They alter
And how this choice made in faith
Trusting
Not ready
Unknowing how much homeschool would teach me
Mold me
And reform me
Help me to see how thin I was living my life
How busy, busy with good things, but wrong things
And
How detached I was from the two I had been given
Because that was normal
And I didn't know what I was missing
This is NOT to say everyone should homeschool - it is to say that God needed me to
And when I was faithful to choose change
He changed me
His best, though stretching and above my sight of understand, was realized
In the courage to change

How is time and choice changing you?

For the love of hard change, and the courage to make it so,
Me

Find more inspiration to be hidden and changed in the place

you are now here at sarahmae.com

Linking up today with my friends and sisters at Five Minute Friday 

Truth and Humility in the Trader Joe's Coffee Isle

Today was a normal day

I was imperfect

My kids were imperfect

I walked around Target and Trader Joe's with a sucker stick stuck to my behind

Because it was in the seat of my car

Because the kids put it there 

On purpose

To be funny

Thank you kind, discrete perfect stranger in the TJ's coffee isle 

Thank you for letting me know I had something that looked like a tiny tail glued to the back of my maxi skirt

Thank you for smiling shyly

Thank you for withholding judgment as I peeled the orange stickiness off my backside and placed the stick-remains into my purse

It's okay for you to laugh 

It took me sometime to get to the point of laughter 

But I'm there...

Laughing 

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm fooling the world with my tamed curls, in my skirt that makes me appear put together but feels like sweat pants

Laughing at myself

Thinking I'm winning mom of the day awards in the minds of complete strangers as I gracefully reign in the spirits of my two kids 

Laughing at myself

Because I am fooling no one but myself.

Truth is, my "I've got this"attitude needed a little humbling

Because

I don't have it all together

I am just a regular mom, with regular kids

Who needs an extraordinary God 

Because "I don't got this"

Moment by moment, 

I am reminded how much I need something, someone, who is so much MORE than me

And moment by moment

This extraordinary God, who doesn't need me, but desperately loves me

Gives me more grace, and displays His power perfectly in my weakness

In. My. Weakness.

Today I set out to mask my weakness

I set out to win the approval of strangers

I walked into the store brave faced, committed to the got-it-together good-girl show 

And He used a sticky, orange, spit out, used up lollipop handle

To remind me 

I'm weak

And it's okay

Because we all are

We are, but He's not

He used that embarrassing moment 

To remind me

It's not the approval of strangers I'm living for

I don't need to look like a good mom

I just need to give my best at being their mom

I don't need to appear put together

I simply need to allow Him to hold me together

I don't need to justify home schooling, or how I socialize my kids, or why we're at TJ's at 2pm

I only need to be faithful to the calling to do it

I don't need to be good

I need to rest in His goodness

I don't need to mask the real me

I unreservedly need to TELL myself the truth

And every once and a while - you just need a really good laugh!

 

Linking up tonight with Katie Motaung and the Five Minute Friday ladies 

On Twitter at the #fmfparty group

Tonight's prompt TELL

Writers Blog Hop

I've been writing down reflection of my life; struggles with balance, kids, loss, control, living real and really living for five year now.  Until recently, the pouring out, the conflict, the opinions, the honestly of me that is my blog, my fragments, was read mostly by me (and a handful of faithful loved ones.)  But in the last six months a new outlet for my messy grace covered story has opened up, bringing with it opportunity for new relationship.

Katie, an online sister I met online by way of the #fmfparty link-up asked me to be a part of this "blog hop" - again new to this world I didn't have a clue but thought I could manage answering four questions and then share some of the blog sites that encourage me.  A special thanks to Katie, who is busy managing her life as a homeschool momma, delighted wife, and is working on her first book!  Find her words over at www.echoesofmyheart.com where she talks about being a recovering perfectionist (how I can relate!) and slowing down to breathe in life.  If that's not enough in the middle of all that she organizes and shares other bloggers work during her many series (Psalms Series, Intentional Mothering, Isaiah 40).  

I know you're on the edge of your seat awaiting my answers to these four questions...
So here ya go!

What am I writing or working on?
What if God wanted you to know five things and five only, what would they be?  This was the topic our youth group tackled as we climbed a mountain and slept under the stars.  And so I typed, words of passion, truth, experience and life into FIVE stories, poetic writing turned video with the help of some friends, that illustrated these five things.
God - I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine 
Sin
Substitution
Trust
Connect

With the FIVE project complete, I'm moving on to revise a talk I wrote previously on Masks and how we have to be real with the one life we get to live, and with that I am putting together a six week devotion to guide a true life-change, not just an emotional experience.  And then there's this, my blog.  If you're new, welcome, and here are some of my personal favorites; Windows and Walls, Whatever Works For You, and When Your Seven Year Old Drops The F*Bomb, Judgmental Christian , So I made cupcakes (miscarriage), and I Resign (homeschool) oh and THIS

How does my work differ from others in its genre?
My writing is personal, raw and honest.  I'm seldom funny, but there is the rare occasion.  I write in woven thought patterns, weaving words, emotions and opinionated points into something, it's not poetry exactly, but it's me.  Fragments, lack of, or over use of punctuation and all.
My writing falls into the categories of faith, homeschooling, family and life.  Me, who is overwhelmed by laundry, dirty floors, and grace.  Me, who is learning as she writes.  Me, who teaches homeschool but never planned to.  Me, boring, ordinary, semi-poetic me.


Why do I write what I do?
I love writing reflections of this life, but I don't like writing about what I ate for breakfast, it's when the mundane hits me with a dose of the bigger picture that I really get excited to jot it down.  So postings are generally reserved for the real stuff of life, stuff that's meant to build up or the stuff that when kept inside tries to drag me down or make me feel alone - we're not meant to be alone, or feel alone, we are made to be connected and built up.  I write what I do because God is good, because I am forgiven, and because He's given me a story to tell.  I feel called to herald the messages of grace, not good enough, perseverance, reliance and living real in both text and voice.  So, I'm sending out guest post submissions (look for me over at incourage.me on Tuesday, August 26th) and waiting for the right speaking opportunities to knock 


How does my writing process work?
Want to write, not carve out the time, carve out the time and the words are missing.  It's a battle of intention and wanting meaningful content.  I have set a goal to blog twice a week.  Just a meager two of seven days.  I want it to be real, I want the words to flow.  Sometimes it's a labor of love, other times I sit and my fingers move as in spite of me.  The kids, personal struggles, little victories and the occasional emotional break-downs fuel and inspire.  I write about life, I aim to encourage, show flaws, breathe redemption and show that I'm not special or good the Savior I rely on fully is.  I've found great encouragement and a reason to write consistently from an online community (#fmfparty)- discovered via twitter, and now a part of my routine.  Type-Delete-Type-Delete, it's a process of refining, restating, and releasing until it's finished.

I am excited to introduce these online friends and fellow bloggers to you as part of this #BlogHop. Take a few minutes to get to know them here, then head on over to their blogs to say hi!  Next week (or at some point in the convenient future) they will be answering these same questions about writing over at their own blogs.   

I've been blessed to get to know Kaitlyn through her writing over at fmfparty and on her blog - It Just Takes One.  Her passion for life and sharing life's story is beautiful and encouraging.

Kaitlyn is a lover of words, crazy about stories and relationships, and is addicted to laughter and queso. She's been broken by community but ever so slowly God has wooed her back to a new community that has mended so many holes. Kaitlyn was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 17, but lives to tell the story of His faithfulness. Her heart is to encourage each person that they can change the world because no matter where you've walked, there's power in your story. She's a Florida girl who has quickly fallen in love with Birmingham where she attends college. She contributes to More To Be, Brave Girl Community, and works for (in)courage. You can connect with Kaitlyn on her blog, Facebook, or Twitter.

LeeAnn is a fellow working mom who carves out time to write encouragement and proclamation of her faith over on her blog - Embracing The Mosaic Life.  Her words are honest and uplifting.

Lee Ann describes herself as a fellow faith journeyer, discovering new-found freedom in Christ.
An Intentional wife and momma.
Pursuing purposeful Christian living in the little things of life (and the big ones too!).  She's lived in fear and she's learned that easy things are aren't always the best things.  She's on a journey and she invites us to travel with her.   Learn more about Lee Ann Here: 50 Random Things About Me

And then there's this real life friend, who hasn't updated her blog - Meant To Shine for His Glory, in awhile, but when she does it's worth reading.  She's a fellow homeschooling momma, and a kindred spirit.  She can SING - like knock your socks off - jaw dropping - goose-bump causing belt out praise but her heart isn't to entertain it's to walk beside, gather and lead those who love The Lord into whole life worship.   She is a blessing to me and I know her words will be a blessing to you.

The Hand That Holds

Twisting hair into braids 

Pouring the morning cup 

Interlocked - connecting one to another

Hands

The rough texture of his is familiar and comforting, always open and ready to hold mine

Or the way she takes her little version of mine, painted nails, soft skin, and lets me lead her

Or how on mine I write His Word

Because, somedays I know I won't want to keep going

And because everyday I need it

I need Him

When I am afraid, unsure, and feel myself sinking

Busy is easy

But I find my hands are strongest when they're still

Joined with his  

Folded in prayer

I need to remember when it's easy and when it's hard 

- It's HIS hand that holds me

"I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand"

- Isaiah 41:10

And so when He asks me to use my hands to glorify Him

To write the note

To twist hair into braids

To change diapers

To pour the coffee and pack the pb&j for the 8,965th time

To give and serve those in need

To raise in worship

To lead 

To hold onto another

I can 

I will

Because He is holding me

No task too small

No task too big

For these hands

This life

Is held up 

And Strengthened

By His Righteous Hand

Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday and on twitter at #fmfparty
Tonight's prompt - Hands

The day a bomb threat was a good thing

In tidy lines, of marching feet we pace from the building 

Whispers of bombs, panic in their eyes translated in their tone, 

Fearful or oblivious

We sit 

She's the one who asks if anyone prays

And I answer

Rolling rocks between our fingers, sitting on the curb we prayed 

Feeling His presence in her words and in the sun lighting our face

While we wait for the police to give the all-clear

 

And it is, it's all clear.

So, in neat rows we pace back to the plastic seats and wooden desks

Forever connected

Because she asked "if anyone prays"

Connected through bad perms and make-believe

Connected in time spent being kids, and being afraid of the slasher movie at the sleep-over

Connected in our pursuits of shared and opposite things

Connected in awkwardness, first love, heartache and true love

Connected through mistakes, in forgiveness and grace

But

It wasn't our frizzy permed hair, or our chalk families that lived in our Kleenex boxes

It wasn't trips to the park, or finding somewhere to hide out during the movie

It wasn't the way she cheered when I scored a basket, or sat beside me saxophone in hand

It wasn't double dates or seeing each other through boyfriends, and heartache

It wasn't that she introduced me to my husband

It was prayer

The honest, simple prayers of third grade girls that joined our hearts

And though she's now a world away

My heart is still connected to hers

It always will be

Because there was a bomb threat 

And she asked "if anyone prays."

Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday 

A Not So Good Friday

Today friends failed 

Today the government collapsed under pressure

Today a mother watched her son suffer

Today a student betrayed his teacher

Today a best friend lied

Today God's people denied the Messiah

Today a friend, a son, a teacher, a healer, a man named Jesus died

And we call it Good Friday

There is a hopelessness and void that comes with death

He was man, 

But He was not only man 

He was perfect

He was Savior

And His death was Satisfying

It was Good

Because He chose to endue it

He chose to give 

He chose to save

And He spoke a promise

...I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:22 

Today a payment was made fulfilling the penalty for sin

All sin

Today we remember how His good satisfies our deficiency

Today we claim a joy that can not be taken away

Today a thief was saved

Today a friend was forgiven

Today a Savior died

Because we needed saving

Today friends still fail

The government remains impaired

Mothers still watch their sons suffer

Students disregard instruction

Best friends hurt each other

And God's people are imperfect

But

Today we have hope 

Amidst our failures, 

Today we have redemption

In our pain and circumstances, 

Today we have truth

When encompassed by emotions,

And we have joy

Because He is our Savior

And that is good

Linking up with the friends at
Kate Motaung's place - Five Minute Friday
"Good"

When you need put back together

Light is too bright and sounds resonate inside my head
Routine makes me weary
Normal takes unnecessary effort
And there is always more to do
I am not myself
Broken
Impatient healing

He brushes the hair from my eyes
Holding my cheeks he whispers the words
"you are the glue - always giving and putting others before yourself - you hold us together"
His hands melt into mine and I rest on his shoulder
In peaceful, life giving silence
I rest

But I don't feel like the glue
I am overwhelmed by the mountain of laundry
And dusty shelves
And deadlines that won't be met
And one more night of take-out leaves me feeling inadequate
How can I hold everyone together when I can't hold myself together

I need held
Here in my impatience, and inability
I need pasted and pieced together
And here on his shoulder feeling like not enough
The Spirit breathes into our silence
...in Him all things hold together

So, for today I'm okay to be broken
Held together by a big God
Resting in His promises
Trusting His plan
Growing Patience
Learning to accept help
Thankful to be held

Colossians 1:17

One Word - Five Minutes - Wonderful Community - Lisa-Jo Baker

Masterpiece

Lost in the colors of the sunset
Depth and light painted onto a canvas of grey and blue
Captured by the beauty of the living picture that morphs with the setting sun.
Yet this transforming composition, new every morning and night is not the greatest of His creation.
It is me.
And you.
Created with passion, immeasurable depth, potential, creativity, purpose, and love.
His greatest brush strokes found on the wall of our heart, and in the strands of our hair.
He calls us His masterpiece.
The world will strip away the artistry if we let it.
The lies whisper convincingly shading us with doubt
We even deceive ourselves - minimizing the true beauty He's painted within us
But His brush strokes can not be erased, His Word can not be destroyed.
We are His masterpiece
We are His greatest work
And His greatest love
If the world has stripped away His strokes - He will repair you
If the lies have made you doubt - He will reassure you
If you are deceived - He is faithful
He is an amazing artist
And
You are a masterpiece