Tuesday was day 9 of our home-school experience
Frustration piled on top of impatience, and bad attitudes
And in a wave of emotion

I resigned from my role as home-school teacher
[via text message]

I explained to the G-academy principal
I would continue in my role as 

Janitor

Laundry lady

Cook

Mother
And 

Wife

But could no longer accept the position of teacher
(You'd think sleeping with the principal would help me get my way)
However

Our principal, a patient man, who remains unshaken by the waves of my emotions
Refused to accept my resignation.
And so,
I resigned, to take 5 (which was more like 35)
Free read and quite time is a beautiful thing
I heated up my coffee for the 46th time
Rifled through a pile of papers to find Jacob's love note from the other day
Soaked in his words, a personalized rewrite of Proverbs 3:10-15
Most days, I do not feel like the woman he sees...
He loves me more than I deserve, 
I took a deep breath and allowed the truth he sees to saturate me
After straightening the couch cushions, and fluffing the pillows
I plopped my weary self down for a talk with my Heavenly Father
"I can't do it"
"Did I mis-hear you -This IS what I'm supposed to be doing, right?"
"This isn't easy, and I'm tired"
"Are you sure this was the plan?"
"I'm not good enough or patient enough"
"I need your help..."
And I left it there at His feet....
I resigned.
Resigned, That I could not
But through Him
I could
And He said - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
"You can do all things through Christ, because He will give you strength - rely in My strength"
"Be strong and courageous and do the work...do not be discouraged, for I am with you and will not fail you."

For the Love of, Encouraging husbands, and Resigning to rely on HIM, everyday,
ME

2 Corinthians 12:19, Philippians 4:13, 1 Chronicles 28:20

Robots, Uncles, Questions and Faith

In a time of beauty
Amidst pure relationship, trust and faith
Doubt hissed
"Did God really say?"
She questioned
Then, sought to be like God
Instead of trust in God
Genesis 3:1-4

In a time of triumph
Between darkness and miracles
Unbelief taunted
"Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side I will not believe"
He doubted
But, was not rebuked
For when he saw, he believed
John 20:24-29

CS Lewis said:
"If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad.  
And freewill is what made evil possible.  
Why, then, did God give them freewill?  
Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having.  
A world of automate – of creatures that worked like machines – would hardly be worth creating.  
The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him."
Then Uncle Josh added...
"I also think that He created us with freewill, because we were created in His image.  
When we look at ourselves, we see people seeking love, and the need to be part of a family.  
God wants us to choose Him, but gave us the choice to do so, because He did not want a forced love, but an authentic love from His creation.  
But as CS Lewis said this is also the reason how and why we hurt Him, because He gave us a choice."

Still today the choice remains...
Seek to be like God
Or
Seek God
He will not rebuke your questions
But show you the answers

Matthew 7:7: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks the door will be opened.
John 3:16-17: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that who so ever would believe in him would not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
John 16:33: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world.

I choose Him.

Big Thoughts Brown Eyes

He wasn't one to climb out of the crib
There was no wake of toy destruction nor emptying of cabinets

His words were few, but always mighty
Talking early and surprising us with his love for learning

Quiet, content to be held and listen to a book or sit solo on the floor pushing his cars

Today there is no crib,
And more often than we would like lumbering steps awaken us as he climbs from his loft bed,
Desperate to receive reassurance that the darkness is just that,
Darkness, and nothing more.

Legos are as miniature-mines threatening to pierce your feet
Dirty clothes litter the remain floorspace
Nothing is invaluable and countless works of art clutter his desk
The tip-toe method is often the best maneuvering tactic to get through his room.

His words remain few
His thoughts big and bigger, sparingly shared
But when shared - he challenges me to think, push beyond my comfortable faith.
Of late he's been thinking about God
Why He made us
Gave us free will and LET us sin
Why would He make something [us] that would hurt Him and make Him sad
Knowing ahead of time we would hurt Him and make Him sad

My brain does NOT work like that...
I would say God has blessed me with an unquestioning faith
I don't struggle to believe
I don't need references to history or archaeological evidence to solidify what is in the Word
[though it's definitely nice to know it's out there!]
HE is and so I believe

But I am glad he is a thinker,
So is his Uncle
I'm also glad those are the thoughts he chooses to share.
Because I get the chance to share what I've learned about God
How HE desires a RELATIONSHIP with us
I don't get why
HE is awesome and always GOOD
Me, not so much
But that's is why HE created us - to walk with us, everyday
Freewill, that's another ball of string
Slowly unraveling it, the short answer is
Forced love, forced obedience
Isn't really love or obedience at all
Choosing to obey out of love and respect
Not out of fear or duty
That is when it gets real
Loving is brave and
Obedience is a beautiful tribute to the ONE who loves you
Sin is just a part of this life
It is messy
Painful
Dark
And yeah, it does hurt our creator
But that's why HE made a PLAN for our sin problem to be fixed
And the solution's name is JESUS

My big brown eyed thinker
Accepted that solution
His name is written in the book
But that doesn't mean all the questions are answered
Or that obedience comes easy
It's still a daily choice
And I get to walk with him, as he walks with our KING
Prayerful every step that I get it as close to "right" as possible
And that there's GRACE covering all the times I don't.


For the love of a PLAN I don't have to understand fully, FAITH, Relationship with the Creator of the Universe, and being Mom to a "big thinker",
ME

" That's what a real man would do... "

The basement transformed into an eat in theater.
Feet up and Lights low,
We became silent [well, mostly silent] observers to the story...
Walter is an unsure boy.
 He's spent most of his life deciphering his mom's lies and multiple boyfriends.
But when he's cast into the lives of two mysterious great-uncles - he finds something unexpected.
The treasure of family.
Walter grows into himself and learns to trust and admire the men that originally seemed cold as he listens to the stories of his uncles adventurous past.
Woven into his uncle's story is one of true love,
Though it is shadowed by sword fights, lions, shot-guns and the weight of Walter's reality... C is captivated by what else, but the love story.
So when the evil sheik claims Uncle Hups love as his own, captures her and locks her away - it looks as though true love really does die.
But, the music crescendos, and with swords drawn Hup rushes onto the scene...
As if she was the narrator, without reservation, escalating every line C chanted
"He would fight for her!"
"He would fight for her!"
"He would fight for her! 'Cause that's what a real man would do"
J and I just smiled at each other and held back our laughter.
Both a bit in shock, yet, both knowing her exclamation to be completely consistent with who she is.
And I hope she never forgets.
Never forgets -
Who she is,
Whose she is.
And that real men should fight for the ones they love.

For the love of family movie night, true love, and my expressive little girl,
ME

"Greater love has no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13