All I Needed Was To Say Thank You

It was a morning...
A REAL honest, hard morning
I woke up with that feeling in my chest, you know the one...it's tight because your mind awakes reeling with the list.  It's going to be busy, and in the middle of it all they are going to need you
Good morning God I whisper, but the list interrupts His time and I don't wait for Him to answer

Runny eggs, bagels, giggles, silliness, beautiful - loud child-like behavior, conversation about pokemon, and some imaginary person whose name escapes me, and a prayer in Jesus name for the day ahead.
Over-view of school work to be completed, appointments, a time-line for the day and this one little thing
"Your chore today is to unload the dishwasher after breakfast"
Go team...
But it seems like I'm the only one going, and I can't enjoy them being seven and eight
Because after eighteen reminders
It's not done
And I come undone
Worn down from the asking, it's heavy, and the feeling in my chest tightens and I feel tired
How can I be tired?
But the time for appointments is now, or more like five minutes ago
The gas tank is empty
And still it gets heavier - the day - and over what?
Dishes?

But it's not the dishes
It's the obedience, but more than that it's my lack of patience, and self-reliance
So in the quiet of the car with eyes on the road, but heart open to Him
I speak His name, and beg Him for help
Less of me, MORE of Him,
That His Spirit would take over because I'm a mess and missing it
And when I think of Him
I can't help but thank Him
Thank Him for giving me two amazing kids who act their age, and who are learning how to show love in their actions, because it is a learned thing - love in action, something I'm still learning with them
Pleading
I need His forgiveness
For the times I neglect to love Him with my actions, times I miss loving them with my actions
And I thank Him
I thank Him for His grace and patience with me
Patience
Because the list is long;
Moments I wasted walking away, in ignorance or selfish disobedience, disregarding instruction, too loud, or too busy to listen,
And still, He's never given up on me
He listens,
He gives me more grace,
His Word,
His counsel,
He gently reminds me what obedience looks like
And
How grace feels
How
Grace
FEELS
I exhale and the heaviness starts to lift
Because with thanksgiving I give Him my day, my list, my kids, my heart
Eyes open
Quietly driving them
Late to appointments
Overwhelmed with the weightlessness of this needy gratitude
It's not easy to surrender,
I can't put it into words, but it's lighter
And I am grateful

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and Five Minute Friday - today's prompt is Grateful.