28 weeks

Is how pregant I should be right now...and I know because when in November we found out we were expecting I wrote each week down on our calendar.

My belly should be round and full. We would know "baby" was baby-girl; I should be able to feel her shifting and kicking inside of me, how I cherish that sensation (it's truly the one-thing I miss about being pregnant). We would be falling in love with her more and more everyday.

Little did I know almost 6-months later, I would not be 28 weeks pregnant. I would have endured tests, medication, surgery and still be paying for all-the-above. I wonder if the sonographer, who was rude and acted rushed on our arrival, felt any regret for her attitude toward us as she observed the missing heart-beat and measured our lifeless baby trapped inside my body. I am so very grateful that Jacob was at that appointment with me.

I think about my very first Mother's day almost 4 years ago - I was preganant with Ethan, and how this mother's day I should be too.

And as depressing as this may sound, I feel better after writting it. I can not cry,- Is it possible I have cried all the tears I can for this little girl, for this loss of experience?
There is a peace, beyond my own understanding and I am reconciled to the reality I am the mother of two-instead of three. But it is more than reconciled, beacuse I am so truly thankful and blessed with the two-children I have.

And so, this Mother's day will come and go, like all the ones to follow. I will celebrate my mother her life, her beauty, her example and her amazing love for me and my brothers, and I will be thankful I have been blessed with my two-children to love.