Loosing Baby

Dear Baby Girl (you're gone) --

You would be five, but your body never was and instead you're just a beautiful soul
I don't think of you as often as I once did, and though my head knows that is a completely normal statement to make, there's a piece of me that hates that I can say that.
Because I loved you and regardless of how many days or weeks or months you were or were not - you mattered.
But, I couldn't live inside the heartbreak that was loosing you.
I learned early on there would be days I just need to made cupcakes and I learned how to live with loosing you, and slowly it became okay.

When I lost you - you changed me.
I learned how to ask the hard questions,
And in asking I realized I could be angry with God and still believe in Him,
I accepted that the depth of my understanding was lacking and that drove me to want to know God more.  


Because I couldn't make your heart beat, the false illusion of control I was living faded to a beautiful reality of guided trust.
You showed me how big faith is, how little I had, and how much we can do with the sufficient little.
I came to accept the truly momentary nature of my role as Mom,
Loosing you doesn't mean I'm not your Mom - it's just a reminder of how time is fleeting.
And it taught me the best way to love them is with an open hand.
I found in my doubt God was not disappointed, but lovingly waiting.
Waiting to give me the peace and answers my aching-heart demanded.
When you ceased to grow, within me grew a longing for the eternal home we could share
Because in that place you're whole and rejoicing and worshiping and living.
You would be five
I would never have chosen to loose you, but five years ago I did
But it was not an empty loss
Loosing you drained out the parts of me that were too full
So I could be shaped into someone more deserving of the two I get to keep (for now)
I'm still not perfect, there are days I need emptied and days I need filled up
But because I had you, and because I lost you
I am more
Until I can hug and hold you - know you were loved, I needed you and you mattered.