“There’s everybody else, then there’s you.”

This is my favorite card of all time. 

It’s from my mother-in-law.  

Displayed prominently between the nickel and dime jar on our bookshelves it sits as a constant reminder that it is a great thing to be me.

Sometimes I see the grey, the tangles, the failures and the faults

Sometimes I compare

Sometimes I forget that I’m the only me, on purpose, for a purpose

Sometimes I forget I’m a rainbow.

Incase you needed to hear it today - You are a rainbow. 

It is a great thing to be you.

See the color, the creativity, the strength, the uniqueness.

Don’t waste time comparing, and be kind to yourself.

Because there’s everybody else, then there’s you.

The only you, on purpose, for a purpose.

Eating Disorder [Resources] Survival Kit

You are not alone.  

This war is not yours only to wage.

There are other girls, other boys, other moms,  other dads, other sisters and brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and friends who have been affected by mental illness.

There is hope.  

You are not alone.  

There is healing.

To read the battle tale of others, and know that the fight is won in the fighting.

There is strength.

Vulnerability of your reality brings love, support and the prayers of many that strengthen on the days you don't have the strength (and there will be days....)

And 

There is power in knowledge.

These resources, while certainly not exhaustive were personally helpful to me.  To grasp even a small understand of the thing we were fighting was immeasurably empowering.  Yes, WE - not him, but US.  

Family Based Therapy or the Maudsley approach encourages all members of the family to fight together each with their own roles and responsibilities - more on that later.

* Holy Bible This book is more than a book to me.  Here I found and find daily strength and encouragement to fight against the spiritual attack that accompanied/accompanies the metabolic crisis and eating disorder diagnosis.  During our two-week hospital stay I read through Ephesians using a Katie Orr FOCUSED 15 bible study.

If you don’t read the bible daily, try starting in Psalms.  David, is the author and a poet (but not the cheesy kind, and seldom does it rhyme).  Found in the middle of the Bible, in this book are details of his everyday emotion ridden walk with God - good, bad and in between.  Stories of belief, doubt, failure, success, fear, courage, anger, love, rebellion, obedience, heart ache, joy and wisdom.    

* Be The Gift, Ann Voskamp.  Ann beautifully crafts her words to be honest, uplifting and challenging simultaneously.  Her book helped to get me out of my own way.  It reminded me our pain is not wasted, and that we can be a gift to others because of it. 

* Brave Girl Eating, Harriet Brown.  I didn’t make it through this book because when I started reading I was too close to the crisis she details.  Author Brown details an honest look at the emotional, physical and familial cost when battling an eating disorder.

* Your Teenager is Not Crazy, Dr. Jeramy Clark & Jerusha Clark.  This book details the chemical and neurological changes that happen from child to teen.  I am still reading it / re-reading it.  This quote from their book prompted me to reach out for help despite my fears. “If you suspect negative body image is beginning to control your sons’s or daughter’s life, don’t wait.  Seek help immediately…” (pg. 259) 

^^^^This is the best advice I can give you, before you order a book, read another blog post or online forum, make the call you've been dreading.  Do not let fear keep you from fighting back against that which is threatening to steal away the mind and body of the one you love. 

* Help Your Teenager Beat An Eating Disorder, James Lock, MD, PhD & Daniel Le Grange, PhD.  Filled with detailed case studies, information about eating disorders and practical ways to take a stand for your teens recovery, this book, written from the medical perspective, empowered me with knowledge and understanding.  I walked away from this book with a healthy fear of anorexia but also the will to beat it.

* Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders.  feast-ed.org  

This website is full of free resources for EVERYONE that an eating disorder touches.  This is the place to gain practical every day advice an wisdom about how to make a plate "magic," craft 600 calorie mashed potatoes, but also reminders and truths about eating disorders.  This is the place for you, but also the place to send grandparents, teachers, friends, and all the support staff that want to understand and help you on the journey.  

BONUS I highly recommend getting yourself a core group of trusted family members and friends who will join you in the battle.  We had a core group of 20-30 people to whom I sent email updates.   These wonderful people committed to pray for us and gave selflessly of their time, money and energy to be our strength and energy when we had none.

Ask me a question....jamie.g4@gmail.com

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I thought I was a good mom, I thought God was good...then Anorexia happened

This is a face forever altered in wrinkles and worry lines 

These eyes have been bled dry of tears and yet they still cry

This smile is genuine

But these lips have mouthed prayers of confusion and desperation while simultaneously cursing the battle of mental health and eating disorders

*

Before this began

I thought I was a good mom…

*

Before this began

I thought God was good…

*

Mental health battles tear you up from the inside out - they’re gut wrenching, guilt producing, and make you question everything

*

Here’s what I know

You didn’t choose to have an eating disorder

I didn’t give it to you either

Somehow we’re both stuck with it

*

And GOD

“He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE.  Because of the Lord’s great LOVE we are not consumed for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, GREAT is Your Faithfulness oh God.”

Lamentations 3 (selections)

*

God I’m not patient, nor am I used to this dependent waiting

I am learning to trust You with my every moment

That it’s okay to live in the moments

And that to be confused and angry with You is okay too

You can handle my emotion

You don't change, You are not dependent on my feelings 

You are trustworthy

You are faithful

You are good, even when my life is not

*

I am a good mom 

I have a great kid

And God - HE is good

And I watch you watching you

I watch you watching you

Every pane that has a reflection pulls you in to see

It’s probably just a phase, that’s the lie I tell me

But I am afraid

Afraid of the time you take,

Afraid of the control the reflection seems to wield

Afraid, as I watch you watching you

You don’t look at you the way you used to

A quick glance lingers, what thoughts do you think as your eyes strain to see

Mind twisted, distorted reflection

It is the thought, and the obsession

The only reflection you see is lacking

The only words you hear deceiving

We pray and plead and cry and try

With desperation we fight with truth against the lies

And we watch

Watch you watching you

There are days I think you see, days I think you hear, days I think maybe you’re not consumed with with the idea of watching you.  

But the watching days won’t relent, they seem to want to stay

And I fear you’re wasting away

Wasting away as I watch you watching you


Sharing these fragmented words written in real time a year ago in hopes they will bring understanding, encouragement and healing to others who are experiencing or have experienced the same trauma that is a mental illness diagnosis.
You are strong enough.
You can.
You are worth the fight.
You are loved.

This is anorexia...

It doesn’t discriminate

There is not one age, social status, family model or culture it attacks

For it cares not of its victims

And only of itself

It starts with a piece of truth, a thought, or an innocent comparison

Unassumingly it twists and bleeds the truth of its substance until it is something altogether different, consuming and caging

It hisses and curses and distorts

It calls you “fat, undisciplined, stupid, a failure”

You frantically look in the mirror but your reflection no longer belongs to you

It shows you only what it wants you to see

Your eyes deceive you and so you believe it

Conformity to its commands doesn’t make you happy but at least it offers relief from the incessant mutterings

It is always whispering and when it’s not it’s screaming

Food has no taste, life begins to lose its color, and so do you

The noise of it starts to sound normal and so you listen

It hates those that love you, and anything that brings you joy

It wants you exclusively for itself

So it feeds you a steady diet of lies, hoping to make you hate them too

It questions the goodness of God, and if He even exists

It steals away the joy of music, and snuffs out the light of your talent

It hurts those that love you the most in attempt to push them away

The lies fill you, instead of food

No matter how it hurts them - they keep loving you

And This will be its undoing

Love

For love does not discriminate, and cares nothing of itself

Love protects and hopes and perseveres

Love waits patiently

Love never fails

I promise to keep loving you until you come back to us and for all the days after.

To the reader, be it intrigue, interest or desperation that drove you seek out this title, may I ask, what do you picture when you hear anorexia?  

Now, take all those preconceived ideas, stereotypes and ask instead ‘what if all you imagined is wrong?’

What if anorexia steals the minds away of the unsuspecting, and of the best intentioned?

What if anorexia hurts kids whose parents love them?

What if anorexia isn’t gender discriminative?

What if you can’t understand until you’ve been in it?

I didn’t understand

Mental illness is a full-frontal attack on our humanity, it’s the poisoning of the human mind, heart, soul and body until all that remains is a hollowed out shell resembling the physical form of what once was.  But, it’s not without hope or the possibility of healing.

Mental health battles are real, they are misunderstood and under discussed.

And though love seems an unlikely and nonsensical weapon - it's a weapon that has stood the test of time, for when we are unlovely God chooses to love us through the ugly.

Goodbye Grandpa

Being a nurse was always where my heart was set
So all the Sunday dinners I missed I can not regret
Because caring for others' hurts, ills and pain made me ready to care for you
So on this sad Tuesday-day I was equipped to help you pass through

Memories of monster and being too afraid to run through the dark
Safety beside Mawna as Josh in your loving arms was caught
Diving in grain trucks, horse tanks, beans and tall rows of corn
Watching cows come to the sound of your old truck horn

I can not imagine subtracting you one from the other
Your lives were more because of each other
Marriage truly made you two into one
Sacrificial love, respect, honor, submission and God granted love

Pieces of you in the way Ethan plays
The smile on the face of our Charlie-girl, your namesake
Your life is woven undeniably into mine
I find you in rhyming words, in stories and truth telling lines

I don't remember you ever taking yourself too seriously
Yet, I can still hear your prayers over a table prepared
And I know your life was no game or joke
Rather lived with purpose because of and for the One who gives us eternal hope

So in this hope I rest
That you're at peace and wearing a crown
That as a saint you marched in
And in your death it's new life that you found

This doesn't mean our hearts aren't hurting or that we won't miss you a ton
But that your life was lived in the power of the Son
And though you're gone,
Our God, our faith, out family, laughter, love and playful smiles
You gave them to us
God never failed you and I know He will continue to show up for us

Love you grandpa

A Mom's Promises on Mother's Day

Today a mamma woke up without her baby girl

She was wearing smiley face socks and driving too fast

Now she’s gone

The world doesn’t make sense a lot of the time

My darling children, I would make sense of it all for you if I could

If only I could

This year we’ve lived together, at times, hasn’t made much sense

Here’s what I know

I love being you mom

Good times, Hard times, Sad times, and Everything in-between times

Growth happens when we push through hard times

Growing doesn’t always feel good

God is good even when life isn’t

Problems don’t get better when ignored

Facing problems requires humility

Humble people make the best humans

Secrets are dangerous

Unless the secret is a present, presents are the opposite of dangerous

However if the present is a crocodile that IS dangerous, don’t give a crocodile as a gift

Give thoughtful presents over costly ones - always

Words, Time, Presence

The ability to love isn’t based on the actions of another, but on your willingness to give and forgive even when love isn’t deserved

That’s how God loves us

With a bigger love than we deserve even when we don’t love Him back

I hope you always choose to love Him

Seatbelts save lives,

Wear your seat belt, Wear socks that make you happy (even if they don’t match)

Follow the speed limit signs

Sometimes we get lost

We get lost inside ourselves, lost in circumstance, lost in lies

Let truth guide you and pull you out of yourself, your circumstance and confusion

Being lost will give way to being found

Worry is normal

You may worry about grades, about what to wear, about what others think, about tomorrow, about a great many things that are out of your control

Don’t let worry drive you

God’s knows and He’s got it all under control

Find perspective, pray, be thankful and choose peace

A kind word and a smile goes a long way

Smile often, make eye contact, be honest and speak kindly

Listen more than you speak

Doubt happens

We doubt ourselves, and our God

Don’t let your doubt determine who you are or who you believe God to be

Ask questions but don’t wallow in the place of questioning, God never changes

Different is God’s design for the world

You are the only you, created with talents, and skills unlike any other

These are for you to use, not to squander in selfishness or bury in fear

Use them for the glory of the One who made you, for the relief and refreshment of a world in need, and for the betterment of others

Be the different you were created to be

Life happens in seasons

Seasons of doubt, of joy, of heartache, of trial, of loss, of security, of ease, of regret, of forgiveness and of renewal

Embrace them all, for they will all shape you into you

You are stronger than you think

Be resilient, be affected but don’t allow the weight of trial to break you

And when you’re not strong enough let God be your strength

He will

So on this mother’s day

I promise to never stop growing

And to trust God’s goodness when life isn’t good.

I promise to name and face problems

And grow in humility.

I promise to give you words, time, and presence

But, never a crocodile.

I promise to love you no matter what

And to love God too.

I promise to buy you whatever socks make you happy, always wear my seatbelt,

And to drive the speed limit.

I promise to look for you, to love you (lost or found)

And to always tell you the truth.

I promise to worry as little as humanly possible about you

And to trust that God is in control.

I promise to smile, to look into your eyes, to speak words of kindness

And to listen more than I lecture.

I promise to share my doubt

But not let it determine who I know God to be.

I promise to embrace my different for God’s glory

And to encourage you to do the same.

I promise to hold every season with a sense of awe

And to let you grow into who you’re meant to be.

I promise to be strong: strong for you, for me, for the unknown

And rely on God’s strength.

So, though I can not change the world to make it make sense for you

May I always point you to the One who will get you through.

You are amazing, you are strong, you are beautiful and I am so grateful to get to be your Mom.