I wear a smile, but do my eyes give me away

Conversations cordial, does my voice deceive

Clutter, lack of motivation, organized piles, dust, grimey linoleum

Confused about work, waiting for an answer - realize I'm not really asking

The job I really want dosen't pay in dollars or offer insurance coverage

Ask,

What am I supposed to do,

Please close a door so I don't have to choose and risk the wrong choice

Reminder

I can not do it all
It is not my responsibility to fix-it
I am not perfect, nor is anyone else in the world

God CAN and God IS

Patient X

I see your sad eyes
I hear your broken heart
I feel your tormented spirit
Your body abused and scared
Your manner manipulative, fearful, desperate

You're a victim of this cruel world
You've not seen or known true love
Selfless and sacrifice are foreign words to you
Abandoned, Lost and Alone
You struggle through life

You're only 16- you've tried that many times to end your life
You pace restlessly, hands over your ears
You hear voices, I prayed for them to disappear
I am still praying for you

You didn't rest that night
You parents weren't there, they didn't even call
We laughed some and you smiled some
We were serious and still

You gave me a hug and asked if I loved you
I said I did, but that God loved you more
You scoffed
My hands firmly on your shoulders I peered into your sad eyes and repeated again
He does, God loves you more
You were quiet

The next day you were gone
Where are you now
Are your eyes still sad, Is your heart still hurting
Do you remember what I said
Do you believe it
Will you ever
What more can I do

OCD

Before bed each night I am drawn to the front door. My eyes tell me it's locked, yet my feet move toward it, arm outstretched and fingers reaching. The sensation of the cool-smooth metal glides under my finger-tips and there is calm within me.

How is it that the sensation of a metal lock turned to the west can give me a sense of peace?

For one week I have passed by the door, fingers pressed to my side, believing what my eyes see. I was not created to be ruled by such impulses and feelings of anxiety. And I refuse to continue to be!

2Timothy 1:7 --For I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind.

When you have children...

You'll understand.
How it feels, why I said that, what I meant, and so much more.

It feels like :
I've released a small piece of my heart into the world, the pain-filled world I can not control.
A crushing blow when that little piece gets bruised.
The warm rays of sun enveloping me in their light when you smile.
I could burst with pride and joy.
The pounding of rain on a metal roof as I shield you.
I should know what's best, but sometimes I don't.
Opening a gift- the best gift, you couldn't have described it, but it's perfect.


What I meant is :
I love you.
I'm proud of you.
You're beautiful.
Be careful.
Don't cry.
I'm praying for you.