Your body strained for breath
Helpless, I could not breathe for you
They whisked you away
Leaving my arms empty and my heart aching
Emotions I never imagined existing or feeling - until you were in my arms, and then gone
My head clouded with emotion and questions
Unfamiliar emotion
Questions I could not answer

We named you Ethan
We named you "Warrior"
We named you "Strong One"
I needed you to be a warrior
I needed you to fight
Fight for breath
Fight to know us
Fight to live

We named you Samuel
We named you "Called By God"
We named you "God Has Heard"
I needed God, in a way I had never needed before
I needed Him to hear us
I needed Him to heal you
I needed Him to call you His own, but let you be mine

We prayed
We waited
He answered
And your name was fulfilled

Eight years you have been mine
I pray our years together are many more
And for you my Strong One
I still pray and I hope

I hope, That your breath is not wasted;
Giving words proper respect
- they are not to be uses carelessly, but cautiously
Speaking the truth
- with a loving heart
Enriching others with words of wisdom and knowledge
- shining the light you are blessed to carry
Showing kindness
- using words to build up not tear down

I hope, That your life is fully LIVED;
Being yourself
Loving deeply
Thinking even deeper
Unselfishly giving and serving
Enjoying the creation around you
Running, Fishing, Playing, Writing
Following the WAY, and leading others in it
Standing firm

I hope, That you will BE;
Be A warrior
- who puts on the full armor of God, and stands firm against the devil
- who lives in the light and fights against the darkness
Be strong
- understanding this life is about more than today and about more than just yourself
- standing up for what is right, what is true and for the ones you love
Be called
- listen for His voice
- seek His wisdom
- follow His example and His leading

Saying these words makes my heart, again, ache
Because living in such a way will make you different
Different isn't easy, but it is what we are called to be

For the Love of my eight year old boy, the only name we could agree on, and unsettling hopes and prayers to a God who listens and answers,
ME

First-World Problems

During my daily Facebook scroll I read this blog post
A letter to the North American church

The afternoon brought carved out time to spend with friends.
Three genuine ladies who lift me up by just being themselves and filling my home
While our children played, decorated cupcakes, snuck M&M's, and sang "Happy Last Day Of Being Seven To You"
We shared life over a cup of coffee
There's no need to waste breath on small talk, and it's refreshing sharing joys as well as failures, moments of clarity and peace as well as struggles and insecurities.
We talked about living life as Christians - here, in this place, in this moment, surrounded by our children, and in the reality of dysfunction that is life.
What are we teaching them, not just from text books, but from our actions, reactions and habits.
It was good...

And later, just before bed and a second scroll through Facebook this...
"There's a blog post to be written about the attitude of the lady in Panera this evening who was told that the type of bread she wanted was unavailable and what it says about the culture we live in..."

We do not live in a Third-World Country
Our homes have multiple rooms, sometimes multiple levels
Our freezers and pantries are full
And there are four different grocery store options within a two-mile radius of most homes
Said grocery is overflowing with items, most pre-packaged and unnecessary
A walk through Target will offer you 172 different types of hand soap, body wash and shampoo
We get coffee from drive through windows and find individualized ways to take it
Baking and Cooking are tasks easily subbed out to the restaurant down street
And our cars full of gasoline, which required their own savings account for maintenance get us there
And we have money to pay for all of the above
We live in a world of excess
In a First-World Country
Yet
God, the creator of the universe, who spoke stars into existence
God, our maker, who knit together our being
Placed us here, in this time, in this place
To be different
In our actions
In our speech
In our way of life
There are a lot of "First-World Problems"
And yeah, I get caught up complaining about them too
Car issues, and cost of maintenance - Grocery store trips - Budgets - Menu planning - Etc.
If we claim to be Christians - followers of Christ,
First-World Problems are NOT supposed to be OUR problems

"To God's elect strangers, in the world...who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood..."

He knew where I was going to land
He has a plan
Sanctification does not happen over night - it's a LIFE LONG process
But we have to pursue it
Be obedient - in this place, in this time
And accept the Lordship of Jesus in our lives
How that all looks?
I'm still working on it
And until I get it, I'm trusting HE has it all worked out, I just need to be faithful.

First-World Problem people need JESUS
Just like the people with Third-World Problems
And if we know HIM, We've got work to do.

Self fulfilling prophesy

The tone of the day was set by the phrase
"I don't want to do school today"
An honest, but irritating expression from my almost eight year old
And at every turn there seemed to be friction
Today, "A" was not for Adam or Apple
A was for A.TTI.TUDE
And I had my fill

There are a LOT of things I don't really WANT to do everyday;
1. Laundry
I can not think of a day when I've woken up and said "Wow! I really want to do laundry today!"
2. Cooking
I mean, sometimes it just feels like work and all those Pinterest recipes taunt my lack of desire and available ingredients. 
3. Ironing
Let's be honest, I don't iron, so we can probably scratch off #3
4. Cleaning
Scrubbing toilets, dusting cobwebs and swiffering floors 

And so we discussed
Discussed how our view of things,
Our focus
Our attitude
Could make normal, necessary tasks go well, or seem heavy
There wasn't notable impact from our talk
Which was disappointing
But
We had today,
And today we had each other
Imperfections
Attitudes
And all
Though my cup felt poured out to empty
I know the ONE who can fill it to overflowing

And He is infinitely more patient, more loving, more merciful...
Just infinitely MORE than me
I am SO thankful that He IS
God is good
Grace is undeserved
But still He gives it, and His mercies are new every morning



For the love of undeserved grace, attitude adjustments, and cherishing today
ME

Lamentations 3:22-23

Just as I am

 *DISORDER AND I DON'T MIX...ALSO I TEND TO OVERREACT 
Papers haphazardly strewn on the dining room table, dishes from cooking, legos and barbies littering the floors 
It goes something like this... 
I awaken post-night-shift to full afternoon sunlight and the sound of happy kids or mostly happy kids,  My husband, worried that I didn't get enough sleep, tires to coax me to drift off again 
He is wonderful, 
And has kept afore mentioned kids quiet and content with each other while I sleep 
[FYI: I think our kids hit the dad lottery jack-pot] 
But I get up anyway 
My arms hug mini-me and mini-him, but my eyes go straight to the mess 
And then my brain experiences some kind of disorder 
I have both a physical and emotional response to the diorganization that comes with our normal life that surfaces when I'm not a part of it 
After a deep breath, and a little pep-talk - disarming my overreatction I go to "fixing" it 
And remember why I love US 
WE function and work best when we are all present and working together 

 *I LOVE STICKERS 
I am an accidental homeschool mom - 
Figuring it out as I go [but that's just life - isn't it?] 
It wasn't EVER my plan, 
But I think it always was the plan 
The plan for now anyway 
So, in the midst of adjusting, attitudes, success and watching them grow 
I'm doling out stickers whenever a moment presents, often multiple at a time 
And sometimes I even give them to myself 

 *I'M NOT PERFECT 
Wait... What?! 
Yep - I'm flawed 
Irrational 
Swayed by emotion 
Judgmental 
Prideful (I mean what humble person gives themselves stickers) 
Impatient 
Controlling 

 *LISTS ARE FUN TO MAKE 
Even more fun to check off 
Did you see above? 
A LIST of all well, some of my flaws 
To-Do, Menus, Grocery, Lesson Plans, Schedule, Honey-Do, Pros/Cons
You can truly make a list for just about anything 
Fact -- I spent 1.5 hours making a list of possible breakfast/lunch options so the kids could participate in menu planning, and enjoyed every second 
 Silly right? 

For the love of lists, organization, stickers, knowing who and whose I am but not being defined by the little things,
ME

Psalm 139:1&13-14

Masterpiece

You are
A weaving of emotions, talents, weaknesses and strengths that are uniquely yours knit together by the master weaver of the universe
An eclectic collection of colors, and brush strokes painted by the creators hand
One of a kind
The only you
And me, the only me

So why is it we struggle to see ourselves?
To feel talented, worthy, beautiful...more?

Some of us forget that we are Gods masterpiece IN Christ Jesus
And some of us need to move INTO Christ
For the masterpiece your life is intended to be can only be fully realized when lived within the grace of a Savior 
Surrender your idea of beauty, to the revelation of who He made you to be
Accept He is the artist and master weaver
And He calls you His greatest work of art

You are 
A weaving of emotions, talents, weaknesses and strengths that are uniquely yours knit together by the master weaver of the universe
An eclectic collection of colors, and brush strokes painted by the creators hand
One of a kind
The only you
And me, the only me

 Be a Masterpiece

Ephesians 2:10

Consistent

Drinking coffee, with open bibles we sat amongst the other customers,
Espresso brewing, milk frothing, dishes clanging and conversations humming.
He hovered around the table, I knew he was listening
But we just carried on - diving into the old law and the prophets promises.
Then he pulled up a chair...
Small prodding questions first and then this
"I mean, how do you reconcile the God of the old testament with the God of the new?"
I'm pretty sure I repeated his question back to him first
Paused
And gave it my best...I managed to get in the part about relationship (which I guess is what the Spirit knew he needed to hear),
But if I could do it over here is how I would answer
I believe it's proven in the Bible that
God is incapable of inconsistency
He is who He is,
Unwavering and consistent
ALL the time.
If we choose not to look at the complete Word of God it may seem He is different
I can't say I understand all the actions of God
But it is not mine for deciphering.
I do know for certain that consistently from creation, to today God is the same in that
HE DESIRES A RELATIONSHIP WITH US
We see it...
As he walks in the garden calling for Adam
When
Like a father, wanting what is best for his children,
He gives the Israelites laws to follow
Laws to keep them from sinning,
Laws that carry a conditional promise of blessing but also the promise of  a curse
For sin only separates us from Him and brings painful consequences,
And when required
He imparts punishment and judgement, consistently just, true to his promise.
We see Him
Rescue His children when they repent and call out for help
And ultimately we watch Him
Offer up the perfect sacrifice for our sin
Giving us a way to have a consistent relationship with Him
And today we have His complete Word
Whispered into the souls of men,
Penned by human hand
Spoken to us
Beneficial in every way
For
Teaching,
Rebuking,
Correcting,
Encouraging
And we have an unhindered line of communication to Him IN Christ
There is no need for reconciliation of who God is
There is only need to reconcile who we will choose to be.
Will you choose to love Him?
To listen?
To obey Him?
To rely on His promises?
To trust He is who He says He is?
To be who He has made you to be?

If only I could be as consistent...
So until I am refined into the person He has made me to be
I will continue to try, to choose, to obey, to listen, and to be.

For the Love of real life moments, consistent forgiveness, espresso with cream and God's Word 
ME

Genesis 3
Deuteronomy 11 & 30
Judges 6 & 7
John 3:16-21
2 Timothy 3:15-17
Hebrews 6:17-20
Joshua 24:15