For a year, I explained the pain and weakness away, it was the gardening or hormones or in my head
For a year I felt crazy
Sometimes I still do
But still the weakness comes
Without explanation or reason
And the invisible begins to define you
I awaken exhausted, as if in my sleep I've run a marathon and lifted weights and there's been no rest, no reprieve, no rejuvenation
The normal feels extraordinary
Getting out of bed is an act of the will
Holding a glass requires two hands, and even then, better put it down before it slips from your weakening grip
Your heart aches with desire to hold your beautiful newborn nephew but fear, and weakness whisper you shouldn't
Going to the grocery store is something requiring additional strength and energy to accomplish
The act of holding the steering wheel steady drains you to utter empty
Instead of carrying the laundry basket to the washer you drag it across the floor
Making dinner wastes you, but you swallow the tears and wring out your wanting hands
You want to do and be who you've always been
But the invisible taunts you
Then there's the pain
Poaching your abilities
Mocking your adequacy
It slowly drains your mental and physical current
Lingering under the surface, it threatens to emerge and consume at any moment
The everyday stuff gets twisted
Normalcy hurts
And the invisible shapes you
You seek answers
They poke and prod
You pray
But, no one knows
Maybe you are crazy, except you know you're not
You're not
Then, there's the supplements, and the therapies and treatments that promise hope
So you pay, and pray, and swallow down the ancient remedies
Still no one knows
And the invisible remains
The invisible remains and with it, cracks of doubt settle deep into the soul
Will the invisible ever be seen?
God why?
Why me?
Why this?
Why her?
Why God?
And the invisible preys on truth
But today, something about these words trickled through the cracks and watered my dry soul
"...she, out of her poverty, has given everything- all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 - 44)
I see her, I am her
Inadequate and running on empty
She didn't choose brokenness
Brokenness chose her
But, it didn't make her
Her poverty, her inadequacy
It could not deter her motivation to give her all
And when HE saw her
HE didn't change her circumstances
But HE loved her just the same
There is ONE who sees my invisible
He sees yours too..And HE loves you just the same
God,
I'm not going to ask why
Though, I wonder
Instead,
I pray for a miracle
But more than for reprieve, God, I pray for your will
I pray for strength, for pain free days,
And for joy even when it hurts
I'm not going you to ask you to change my circumstances
But God, please love me through them
And change me because of them
It's been over two years and I'm not in the place I once was
I have found intermittent reprieve, and my voice
Some days are almost normal
Or I've at least found a new normal that is compatible with everyday living
I have too many sisters on a journey of invisible
But aren't we all dealing with something unseen?
You're not crazy
You're not alone
The invisible isn't eternal
We won't let it win
We may never know this life without our invisible
But I trust the promise of a better life for us
HE calls you beloved, HE cares
And, sister, brother, I'm with you
