The word rolled off her tongue and I was frozen
I couldn't have just heard what my brain is telling me I heard
Not from her,
Beautiful, funny, imaginative, barely-seven year old her
Off guard, unprepared, I couldn't process
It's just NOT something I say 
I'm conscious to watch my words, my reactions and expressions
Of course there's the occasional whispering, a taunting within
But it's always contained in my head.

The F-word I am referring to here has only three letters, not four
FAT
It was the phrase
"I look fat"

It's not like kids to keep contained the thoughts in their heads
We develop filters as we grow older
There are negatives and positives to filtering our thoughts and words
But that's another topic

Jailed inside my thought life, the jeering word lies in wait
The mirror, the scale, that certain pair of pants, hormones
It's not something I look into the mirror and walk away thinking everyday
But there are days
More days than I care to admit to that the F-word plagues my thoughts
*Who doesn't have the occasional fat-day?
But that word doesn't, ever, escape through my lips

What does escape?
Has she seen discontent in my eyes?
Has she heard my subconscious?
Maybe...

I know what she's not heard...
My verbal acknowledgement that I am beautiful.
An appreciation for my unique design
That bodies are different and I am glad to have mine.

Have I battled my weight?
Yes.
Have I longed to change the pattern of my body?
Yes.
Have I found peace and acceptance, even joy, with the creation that is me?
Yes.

I yearn for her to avoid the lies
That there is a [singular-one] perfect mold
That feeling fat or being called fat means you actually are
That your weight, or size matter just as much as who you are inside
They are lies

Yet, at seven she looked at herself and "felt fat."
And my heart sinks, with the thought -
I failed her.
Failed to protect her
Failed to speak enough truth into her
Failed by rejecting compliments
Failed in my example of loving myself

When staring in the face of failure, I see two choices
Accept it and wallow
Or tackle it and triumph

I choose triumph
I am a failure
But that is not what defines me.
Just as my definition is not found on the scale or in my size.
I choose truth
"I am wonderfully made"
"How beautiful you are my darling"
"The King is enthralled by your beauty"
I accept it
And I pray that it will take root deep inside her, inside of me, inside of you, inside of every girl, woman and man that looks at their reflection and sees anything other than wonderful.
And I pray we will not only accept it but live in it.

I am beautiful.
You are beautiful.

A Rehashing of life in 2013

1.  God is good, ALL the time.
In the middle of my mess and human insufficiency He is always enough and 100% available.

2. There is a little more grey streaking through my hair, just a little-on the right side, but my bangs provide a strategic cover for now

3.  HOMESCHOOL
I quit on day 9,
But 20 weeks later -- refer to number 1
We get funny looks when shopping at Trader Joes during "normal school hours"
There are probing questions about socialization and my children's social welfare
Then there's this undeserved praise I didn't expect - let me be honest, it's nice for people to think I'm a saint and have overwhelming patience etc.
The reality is ----- drum roll ----- I'm still me.  And I'll refer you here again to number 1!
We have our days, as with life.
There are days of great triumphs when learning is fun,
And days that 4 hours of instruction feels like 40 and we have to call the principal (I'm SO ridiculously in love with him!).
But we're in it together
I am a front row observer to their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, unfolding in the middle of math or handwriting.
I get to learn World History with them and geek out over how they can diagram a sentence
I'm silly excited about the virtual energy plant tour we're taking this week
And overall, I just can't tell you how this "thing I would never do" is changing our life
Being faithful isn't easy, but it's good

4. I've learned to ask for help.
God has been so amazing at strategically placing relationships in my life to help me with this homeschool journey, my faith, my kids, my sleep.  Again see number 1.

5. I am learning I have to say no, even to good things, so there is room for RIGHT things.  This topic deserves it's own blog post -coming soon.  If you have 7 minutes to spare watch this inspiration

6. Our life remains simple.

7.  We are blessed to have the same jobs that provide both income and balance for our family life. Me  x 11 years in June, and Jacob x 9 years.

8.  The kiddos keep growing.
E is our reader, outdoorsman, soft spoken, sometimes silly sometimes shy guitar playing man who dislikes jeans and loves athletic wear.  Legos, k-nex, and bey-blades are his toys of choice.
C is our joyful, passionate (take that how you will!), funny, always herself unashamedly all the time, pianist who still prefers dresses, and any thing fancy.  Barbie and the 50 stuffed animals that sleep in her bed fit as perfect accessory toys to her imagination.
They challenge us, encourage us, listen to us - sometimes or most of the time, they have their own opinions and we are blessed to be their parents for as long as we have them to call ours!

9. The lake remains our favorite home away from home, and we sneak away when we can from our city life and schedules to relax there.  With extended family, hide-n-seek, tag, and Monopoly is our favorite.

10. Our church family continues to be an irreplaceable part of our life.  There is no other way we would rather spend two nights a week than surrounded by those we love and share life with while hosting life group and being youth group small group leaders.

Life is sweet, though it has it's trials - God remains faithful, we have hope for a perfect eternal someday and for now we have each other.
I pray we would have a blessed New Year, that Gods faithfulness and goodness would be evident in our life, that we would have real community surrounding us, that this year we can be more honest, transparent, real and that what really matters will be what matters everyday.

In 2014 my One Word is Deep or Deeper - what's yours?