When I was little I made plans;
I planned
What I would be
In vauge beautiful generalizations
A wife
A mom
And Happy
I planned
My family
In specifics that hold no true meaning (except for laughter and butterflies)
The color of  my husband eyes
His features
How he'd make me laugh and feel butterflies
What age I'd be when we said "I do"
How many kids we'd have
And what their unique, but not weird names would be

Then...
Llife happened
Pain was never a part of my plan
I didn't factor in my head-strong nature
Or selfishness

I didn't plan on seeking the Lord
He'd just always been there

When I was little
I didn't know my own faith
When life happened
And Sin derailed
I needed Him
I needed forgiveness
And
A new plan

Grace gave way to trust
And I started to understand
His plan was the Garden
A real-life experiece of community with Him
He knew we'd mess it up
People, we're messy
I
Am
Messy

So He made a new plan
It couldn't be perfect with us in it
There would be pain
But there would be forgiveness
And fulfillment
And hope
And a future...

I am a wife
I'm also a mom
Most of the time I'm happy
Really, truly happy
My husband does have brown eyes as I planned
He still gives me butterflies, eight years after saying I do
And we laugh
A LOT
I was blessed with two children, not three as planned
And they have great names
None of which came from my middle-school notebook

I'm still head-strong, and selfish
But I'm growing in submission,
Learning to get over myself
And relinquish control
I can't control if my friend has cancer
Or if another is moving half-way across the globe
I couldn't control my miscarriage
Or Ethan's stay in the NICU
I can't control my children's choices
Or keep their heart's from breaking

But I have faith
And forgiveness
My hope is eternity
And while I'm here living my messy life
He listens to my prayers
He cares about what I want
He loves me
He gives me more grace
And He is good

For the Love of less planning, more trust, looking forward to eternity and faith that's real in the middle of this messy life,
ME

Blink

I take in a deep breath
And close my eyes
Wasn't is just yesterday I held you against my chest
Dozing
In our quiet house
On the green couch
Didn't we just wrestled for control
Itchy tags
Undies and red sweat pants
Weren't you just sitting in the grocery cart
Snacking
Spilling
Whining
Didn't she just get here and make you sad
Wasn't it last night we were too tired
And when you cried
Because of the monsters
We let you sleep with us

It all seems like yesterday
A blink and the years of cuddles fade into watching you walk yourself into school.
You're mine for only God knows how many blinks.
So I'll do my best
To make meaningful memories
To love you in a way you understand
To guide you
And to hold you with an open hand
Trusting
God's plan for your life

For the love of being your mom, drinking in the moments, trust for the future, and memories
ME