Inside-Out

BE THERE

2012-02-19T06:45:00.002-06:00

It is their family motto - Be there.

Helpless to change their circumstances,
Vigilant they sat at his bedside.
The earthly tent, that was his body,
Lay tormented, weak, and torn, only a shadow of himself.
The battle for his physical body would soon be lost,
And while a sadness lingers in the room,
There is joy, for his mortality is swallowed up by LIFE.
Through tests, treatments and procedures they lived by faith, not by sight.
He was renewed day by day inwardly though outwardly he was wasting away.
A testament of true faith and eternal perspective.
The Newsboys' lyrics play in my head "No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me"
There was no fear,
None.
And as their cancer-theme song played in the background (Mighty to Save, Michael W. Smith),
I praised God, the provider and sustainer of life for His faithfulness.
I was blessed in the opportunity to serve this family,
And honored to stand as a witness to the hope and joy that lies in death, because of Christ, even when it seems untimely.
Connor wasn't healed while on this earth, but he is whole now.
A victor in death, because he believed in the conqueror of the grave.
And so Connor will Be there.
I look forward to meeting him there someday.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18: Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Where There's a Will

2012-02-18T05:48:00.000-06:00

There's a way.
Or two ways, rather.
And a choice.

When the will of God doesn't fit your agenda, when it hurts, when you can't make sense of it...
Do you still choose to acknowledge God as;
GOOD (Psalm 34:8)
JUST (Deuteronomy 32:4)
FAITHFUL (Psalm 57:3 & 10)
FORGIVING (John 3:16-17, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 103:10)
COMPASSIONATE (Lamentations 3:22-23)
HEALER (Psalm 103:2-4, Matthew 4:23-24)
HOLY (Isaiah 55:8-9, Leviticus 11:44a, Revelation 4:8)
MERCIFUL (Micah 7:18, Ephesians 2:4-5)
POWERFUL (Job 38:1-38 & 40:6-9, 2Chronicles 20:6)
PRESENT (Psalm 46:1, Matthew 28:19-20)
And our SUSTAINER (Psalm 55:22)

I lament with friends because it is right before the Lord while pleading for His healing.
I petition in the power of the Spirit for peace, and miracles.
Knowing full well if the desires of my heart are in alignment with His will, He will answer yes to the out-pourings of my heart.
I choose to believe.
Even when it doesn't always make sense.

For the love of truth, faith and a God who answers prayers and has a will for our lives,
Me

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

[Dear Self] When You're 30 Edition

2012-02-15T10:25:00.000-06:00

People assume you're responsibly awake and start your day before 7am.

You will get texts wishing you a Happiest of Days starting at 6:30.

Your dad will apologize for waking you up with his call, and emphasize that he did purposely wait "a while" before calling!

Your mom will visit; take you shopping and out to eat,

You'll talk like friends and soak up the time.

The crab cakes, seared tuna-salad, and ice tea will leave you full and you'll forgo dessert

What?

Yep, no dessert.

You'll shop for sales, even though your birthday cash is taunting, begging to burn a hole in your pocket, and 6 days later you'll still have cash to spend.

The gifts of time and thoughtfulness will be your favorites;

A homemade card that reads "I love you very much, your just SO old I can't believe your 30 and Awesome" - Ethan.

Coffee and time stolen away while children attend school.

Jewelry that looks just like me.

To end the night you won't attend an elaborate surprise party (cause that not your husband's style),

But you will be surprised,

And you'll celebrate with family and friends from far and near via video.

You'll cry and roll with laughter as your watch and listen to the singing of happy birthday,

and memories recounted in both words and acting.

You'll find out that cake, candy and cooking are what some people love most about you.

Compliments roll off Charlie's tongue and Ethan wants to go on Wipe Out to win you 50,000 dollars.

You'll rewind and re-watch your nephews- songs, "I love you" proclamations, and silly faces.

Most of all you'll be humbled, and honored to be called a Christ follower, a good mom, and great friend among other things.

The words of love, praise and encouragement from those who mean so much to you will overflow your cup already so full and continue to echo in your mind building you up and reminding you keep being YOU.

For the love of turning 30, laughter, tears, shopping, coffee and expressions of love

Revision 3.0

2012-02-09T00:43:00.000-06:00

Another day

Another chance

Everyday I wake, I choose not to waste it.

More time to try,

Though, I understand it's not ME that accomplishes,

Resting in grace and growing in patience.

More of me to understand while I ponder my reflection,

Beauty from the inside-out- the real definition.

Wrinkles of wisdom,

Crows feet from reading, prayer.

Laugh lines of true joy,

Hands weathered by care.

Time to rely more on the One who knows

Even when I don't feel like it

Because in reliance is growth.

So to this year, and the revisions to come...

I never imagined 30 would feel so young.

For the love of birthday blog posts, daily attempts at eternal focus, blessings too numerous for listing, and being THIRTY,

Her hands cradle her cheeks as if she's feeling for something lost in the past, yet her smile is sweet and full of contentment. From her lips the simple statement said with the ringing of laughter;

"I look in the mirror and think, I don't feel that old."

-Mawna, 40 years my senior.

While her face may reflect her age, her heart remains young, beautiful, honest, and she overflows with love and contentment.

Here's hoping I'll be as beautiful as she is too...one day.

With every breath I take

2012-01-19T17:05:00.000-06:00

A red satin pillow cradled her head
Frazzled hair, uncommonly framed her face
Hands caressed her
Lips kissed her

Memories whispered, and laughed aloud
Dr Pepper
Solitaire
Back scratches
Cigarettes and soap operas
The Eagles club
Missing the love of one gone before
Beauty salons and pedicures
Tidiness
Laundry
Love expressed in kisses and word games

Permission granted to rest
Petition lifted for peace
Her breath wained and the color drained from her lips
Tear stained cheeks rested on her chest until her heart was heard no more
And they said goodbye.

For all the stars in the sky, all the sand on the shore nothing was greater than with every breath I take.
And she loved them with every breath, until the last.
They love her still - with every breath they take.

750

2012-01-10T06:45:00.000-06:00

GOAL - To run a total of 750 miles in 2012
Breakdown:
That's running my usual 6 mile route 125 times, or
250 days of 3 mile runs, or
10 mile runs x 75, or
Approximately 15 miles/week
Totally do-able...right?
My toe nails are just starting to grow back -from my half-marathon training and run in November '11
4 of 10 are still black and blue (beneath the dark purple painted pedicure)
I've resolved my toes maybe black and blue for the remainder of 2012
And I'm okay with that

For the love of physical fitness goal setting, dark hued toe nail polish to cover up the damage and 750 miles to go,
Me

Purpose and Priorities

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-06:00

It's a New Year.
The time for Resolution; to decide, settle, solve, determine

"Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least"

- Goethe (German Philosopher)

We can only determine what path is best when we understand our purpose.

Seek guidance in the Word

Pray

Talk

Draft [Gunn Family] Purpose Statement

And now align priorities to meet the purpose statement

Arrange accountability

2012 is going to be simply....well, who knows, but it's off to a great start!

For the love of growing as a family, Making goals and plans to reach them, Seeking God and being still enough to hear His answers.

Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

- Philippians 2:2

Five

2012-01-08T12:00:00.001-06:00

Passionate, joyful, headstrong and kind

Five years

And I'm thankful for every second and each second more to come

I'll try to hold your life with an open hand, knowing God is the only one who can truly hold you

God, please empower her, protect her, direct and comfort her

Give me wisdom, patience, and grace

I want her to know you - help me teach her

I want her to serve you - help me show her how

I want her to love you - help me explain how you first loved us

You've made her passionate, help me to direct the passion within her to things that matter in eternity.

Already her heart rejoices when others rejoice and she shows compassion for the hurting, help me to encourage and cultivate these characteristics that reflect you.

There is a joy that shines from within her, she shares it in her smile and in her hugs, may she always have the joy of being yours in her life no matter her life circumstances.

May her life be defined by self-control through the power of Your Spirit living inside of her.

Thank you for our Charlie girl. Help me to be what she needs.

2011 Blog-Year In Review

2012-01-08T05:05:00.000-06:00

There were a mere 35 blog entries made in all of 2011.
That's less than 3 per month.
Resolve to document more in 2012.
And since you have nothing better to to than to re-read my 2011 blog entries I've hyper linked the months for easy access.

January - 50 Words for a great man's 50th birthday and Stepping-Up to a calling.
February - A blogging drought resolved, NOT 30 yet and loving my Valentine no Valentine's day needed.
March - Jamie Rocket
April - The beginning of Spring, loving life-group and Put-put with the newlyweds
May - The UN-end of the world
June - Running, The blahs in poem, and The start of summer
July - Spiritual Growth
August - A brush with death, So it says, E&C Updates, a 2011 record setting 7 blog entry month
September - BONUS
October - Judging Judges, Sioux Falls Marathon
November - 13.1 and Cousins
December - Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-15T16:56:00.000-06:00

Only ten days remain until the presents can be unwrapped, and we sing Happy Birthday Jesus. So with Christmas music playing not so quietly in the background I type as the kids dance and play.

Ethan (6) – Still sweet and reserved, with just a touch of “too-cool” attitude he brings us pride, and tests our consistency. Water skiing was conquered, and many fish caught thanks to a summer spent at Memaw and Papa’s lake house. Ethan is $7 dollars richer compliment of the tooth fairy, and he can truly sing “all I want for Christmas is my two-front-teeth!” August brought us Kindergarten and tears, but by September Ethan had learned his new routine and has come to love his class and teacher. I’m adjusting too! Running is his newest passion, just like daddy, and he completed his first race on Thanksgiving Day. While “how to treat a girl” is a learning process, Ethan’s a good big brother

Charlie (4) – Filled with passion and love for life this girl makes brings us joy, and tests us daily with her strong will. January will bring us Charlie’s fifth birthday, and she still wants to be a princess when she grows up (and that’s okay for now!). While too afraid to attempt water skiing this summer, many boat rides were thoroughly enjoyed and enhanced by Charlie’s enthusiasm. August brought Charlie Preschool, and while there were no tears at drop off there was a long-face at pick up- alas her wish to stay longer will not be fulfilled this year. She is our social butterfly and truly enjoys the 3-days she spends at Preschool. Ballet gave Charlie an unneeded excuse to dance and dress up this fall – and it was wonderful watching her enjoy herself. She’s a sweet yet tormenting little sister who loves her brother.

Jacob – Continues teaching Biology at the High School, he loves his job. He especially treasures the opportunity he gets to encourage his students through FCA and coaching. In the dark of early morning Jacob consistently heads out to run. All his training paid off in September as he completed the Sioux Falls marathon (that’s 26.2 miles) in 3:17. The kids and I enjoyed the mini-vacation to cheer him on – and were so proud when he crossed the finish line. He’s a good coach to Ethan and a sweet cheerleader to Charlie. We’re enjoying year number 7 of marriage and I’m thankful everyday he’s mine.

Jamie – Continues to juggle the roles of mom, nurse and auditor – but as always the coveted favorite and priority is the role of mom. Volunteering at House of Hope has been a blessing and I will, as I did last year coordinate a 5K fundraiser for the organization-so mark your calendars for June 16th. I too caught the running bug and although my time’s nothing to brag about I completed a half-marathon through Shawnee Mission Park in November.

We’re blessed with each other, simplicity, and grace. It’s been a good year! Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with the same.

Cousins 2011

2011-11-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

The stair stepped cousins

Carefree and happy

On an unusually warm November day

Scooters were shared

Bikes pedaled to their maximum speed

The sound of laughter seared in my mind

Memories captured in photo

Miles later

2011-11-19T02:41:00.002-06:00

A friendship 29 years in the making.

Good times

Not so good times

Both Inseperable and Seperate

Yet, here we are...focused on one goal

Making it to heaven and raising our families to get there too

And in the mean time...

Staying healthy and thanking God for His provision in our lives until we get those unperishable and perfect bodies!

For the Love of being friends (again and forever!), and running 13.1 miles together,

Samson, Gideon, Deborah etc.

2011-10-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

I finished Judges.
It's filled with stories that literally made me nauseated.
The evening news doesn't hold a candle to Judges, and I don't really watch the news.
Some may consider that irresponsible, I consider it not filling my head with more filth, that dirties my heart and skews my view of people and taints the mercy I crave to have for others.
Judges -"Everyone did as they saw fit."
They didn't see very well.
I don't always either.

For the love of doing it God's way, even if I don't "see" it
Me

For Always

2011-10-10T02:34:00.001-05:00

Sometimes ornery, sometimes forced your giggle is contagious, or the gut wrenching belly-laugh that echos through the house -beautiful sounds of joy

Tunes cranked, windows rolled down, doing a mean car-jig
Someday this will be very un-cool, but for now it's really fun
And, I'm not going to worry about someday

TAG - You're It, Keep Away, Red Rover, Duck-Duck-Goose, Hide and Seek
Are you ever too old? Maybe too stiff or out of shape, but never too old

Holding hands, kisses on the cheeks, hugs that linger

Dinner simmering-Booty-shakin', arms flailing, fist pumping, feet jumping, body spinning, breath stealing dancing
It's the kitchen dance, at times conducted in the living room, but never for general public viewing (it's best enjoyed while dinner is simmering)

Sweet words of gratitude, gentle reminders, soft encouragement, I love yous

Time stolen away from the busyness of the world, and routines
Sipping hot chocolate with extra mini-marshmallows (or just eating the marshmallows), Enjoying a cinnamon roll the size of your face, Sipping a latte or frappachino, Watching you, listening to you, soaking up you being you and me being me - US

Huddled together, cozy on the couch, listening, reading, savoring

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always

For the love of a beautiful season of life and savoring every second,
Me

Beautiful

2011-10-02T21:37:00.000-05:00

So, September happened...

Jacob ran a marathon, and almost qualified for Boston
He's still hurting
I am calling a doctor tomorrow if he doesn't (he's been warned)
We cheered him and and were so proud!
26.2 miles in 3:17

Because of above marathon we got a mini-vacation to Sioux Falls SD
Beautiful time
Happy memories

I caught the running bug and started training for a half-marathon
Today I ran 8 miles
...and felt great
November 12th is race day
Ethan no longer cries at school
But I still get the BEST hugs when I pick him up
He turned 6!
Fall Fun Fest was fun, nothing like rides, games, fake tattoos, and Chick-Fil-A
So incredibly thankful for E's closest school-friend and his Christian family
"Mom, I kinda like Sunday School better than regular school because at regular school we don't talk about Jesus at all" - insert long talk about how He could and should talk about Jesus at school

Charlie still LOVES Ms. Janet's class, social butterfly that she is!
Ballet started and it's fun watching C practice her "new moves" as she calls them
Dad's and donuts was a success
It's a beautiful thing listening to a proud dad, and an excited in-love-with-her-daddy girl recount their time together at school
Life is good, God is greater.
For the Love of running without limits, birthday's, ballet and finding beauty in the everyday,
Me

Yesterday

2011-09-07T12:00:00.001-05:00

I was proud to be your mom

You played ninjas
You made ninja masks from pipe cleaners
(I tied the rubber bands to hold them on your faces)
You rested peacefully
We read books
You did workbooks
You said "thank you mom" for lunch
You made me laugh
You made me smile
You filled me with joy, just by being you
And I love you - forever

Bonus

2011-09-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

If you think you might die, it might change your life
You will die (deep down you know you're not invincible)
Maybe not today, but what if it was today?
What would you do - or do different...

Say I love you
Take time to walk with your kids at a kids pace
Smile
Tell your friends you care about them
Laugh
Hold on a little tighter with each hug
Breathe deeper
Say the words that have real meaning
Find joy
Tell God what you want and how thankful you are
Cry
Tell others why you're not afraid to die
Pray
Keep things in perspective

Two weeks ago I thought I was going to die- and from now on every thing's just a bonus

For the love of today, and the Maker who blesses me with the one's to come (or not)
Me

A pointed weekend edition

2011-09-03T05:43:00.000-05:00

Hoping J can break in his new shoes before marathon day
All smiles this week at Kindergarten
I've created a NO eating over night while at work rule for myself
Running total this week = 6 miles, for me, of course that's an easy one-day work out for J
C was the first one to complete her morning work and so proud of herself
While most people will enjoy a reprieve from labor on Monday, I will be laboring
Wish we were at the lake instead...sometimes weekend-nights stink
Counting my blessings
Which include the biggest ones like forgiveness and family all the way down to coffee to keep me awake on these long nights

For the love of bullet pointed memories, tear free drop-offs and running,
Me

Wish List

2011-08-31T07:01:00.001-05:00

To the point

2011-08-30T07:00:00.001-05:00

* The whole family is memorizing scripture through song thanks to The Rizers

* E loved Kindergarten for 4 days, now he just wants to be home
* My children are polar-opposites, except they both give amazingly good hugs

* C loves Pre-K, Miss Janet and all things school
* I committed to the Lord I would read daily, at least one chapter a day on Wednesday 7/20
* I've since read through Joshua, Leviticus, Exodus, Philemon, and Hebrews
* I did not read Friday and Saturday and I missed the Word
* I love supporting J and listening to him talk about his running
* 26.2 mi will be conquored in 13 days
* I am terrible at putting the laundry away, good thing J is good at it
* Working weekend-nights is a blessing, I feel balanced
* Trying to find to keep an internal and eternal mindset

Near Miss

2011-08-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly...Lamentations 3:25-26

The pain is gone
I can walk and breathe at the same time
No human explanation or diagnosis
But there is an explanation -
I asked and you asked, He answered.
And so I thank Him for more time, for healing, for peace, for mercy, and for more grace.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you...Matthew 7:7

E

2011-08-28T23:54:00.002-05:00

The shiny newness of Kindergarten wore off by day 5
Your soft brown eyes well up with tears, and lingering your arms hug me as you quietly recite your verse
A little piece of my heart breaks every morning that I say goodbye to your sweet sad face
I know it won't be forever
You are happiest surrounded by our family
Exploring, catching bugs and running with daddy (really anything with daddy) is your favorite
I am glad you still like to snuggle
Our summer was beautiful - and I know the school year will be too
Eventually

For the love of YOU, sad-soft eyes, broken heart and all
Mom

C

2011-08-28T23:53:00.003-05:00

I love this picture of you
You look so grown up, but it doesn't make me sad
Most days you can be found somewhere between reality and a day-dream
You serve the best imaginary ice-cream and cookies
You told daddy you wanted to be a "Princess" when you grew up
I don't wish for any other day than the one I have with you right now

For the Love of YOU, just as you are right now - nothing more nothing less
Mom

So it says

2011-08-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

The pain pressed in harder, my mind raced
And the ominous feeling of the end settled in my heart
What if there is no tomorrow for me?
I tossed and turned, then finally I turned to HIM
With a pleading straight from my heart

Thank you for your provision
Thank you for being the great physician
Thank you for knowing my innermost being
Thank you for the blessing of my family
Father I want to be on this earth a little longer
I want to enjoy the blessing of my family
I want to see E and C grow
I want to watch them play
I want to tell them about You
This is what I want, but I am not afraid to die
To be with you, I know is greater, yet I can not imagine it
God may I glorify You with my life.

I penned love letters to last a lifetime if my time was spent
Signed with tears and the assignment to meet me in heaven
The pain didn't stop, but my eyes closed in faith that whether I awoke on this earth or in the glory of heaven they would open again.
- And that was Thursday -

Be anxious in nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication
With thanksgiving
Let your requests be made known to God
And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
Will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus
- Philippians 4:6-7

Go Iodoral

2011-08-07T04:01:00.000-05:00

It's been ten days since I made the trek to see the wonderful M.B., ARNP
She sat patiently as I ~~complained~~ described symptoms
tired
irritable
acne (haven't been a teenager for sometime now)
weight (this truly was complaining, weight can't really be classified as a symptom)
hot flashes (I'm almost 30 not 50)
lack of motivation (every morning...just 5 more minutes kids, mom needs just 5 more minutes)
cyclic sadness
tired
tired
She reviewed my labs and wrote remedies by each
I have faithfully taken those remedies for the past ten days
And I'm happy to report I'm not perfect, but I have less to complain about

For the love of Progesterone, a balanced endocrine system, and the above mentioned ARNP
Me

Wants, Risks and What Ifs

2011-07-11T03:59:00.001-05:00

I've been spurred to re-consider the objectives of this life I've become so complacent in living
America is easy, and comfortable, and filled with "good" people
It's goals are superficial
It's lifestyle is selfish
It's instant gratification and
Self glorifying

What am I really living for?

I want to be real.
I want to be consistent.
I want to live as a forgiven person not a good person
When someone asks me "how are you"
Can I, will I reply with something more transparent than "fine"?
I want to want God more than anything else
I want to make a difference and have everyone recognize God for it
NOT me (and be more than satisfied in that)
I want to be different at the risk of being weird, and in a way that makes people question why
And I want to have an answer for those who question the reason for my hope
For our children;
I want our kids to care about things that matter.
People
NOT stuff
I want to fill our time with serving and conversation
NOT with the busyness of activities that divide us
I want to protect our time together
I want to relish in and preserve the joys of childhood
- crayons, bubbles, water gun fights, mud pies, imaginary friends and reading time
I want to celebrate and bless my children for being exactly who God made them to be
I want to encourage them in everything to work as if working for the Lord NOT for men
I want them to want God more than anything
I want them to be different, and when people notice it's make them want to be different too

The risk is being weird;
What if we decide to live radically, maybe even uncomfortably?
What if we make eternal goals?
What if we serve others instead of ourselves?
What if our whole life is built around God and His will instead of adding in a little God to our own?
What if we're patient and persevere?
What if we seek to give God the glory?

Mountain Tops and Valleys

2011-07-03T07:18:00.000-05:00

While pouring out my emotional mess
A wise friend asked me this question:
What grows on the mountain top?
Nothing I said
And tell me what grows in the valley?
Well...everything I replied

So while the mess of me has me wallowing in the valley of life
I will tell myself the truth
Whether it feels true or not
I will surround myself others who speak the truth into me
And I'll fill in the cracks with the Word

For the love of growth and finding my way back up the mountain,
Me

Balloon swords and snowcones

2011-06-27T05:25:00.002-05:00

Storm clouds loom in the distance
The air hangs heavy and thick around us
Beams of sunshine break through the clouds
Heat rises from the concrete bellow us radiating our faces
A bright hue of pink decorates our cheeks
It's summer
And today, summer brought us a carnival
Face painting, popcorn, ice cream, root beer floats and bounce houses
A special hour spent with Nana, Papa, Aunt Em and cousin M too
Playing pirates with a balloon sword
Wearing uniquely twisted balloon crowns
Slurping up cherry and grape snow cones
And eating hot dogs with extra ketchup
It's summer, and I can't imagine spending it any other way than watching you enjoying being a child

For the love of humidity, hot dogs and You
Me

The art of feeling

2011-06-27T01:49:00.000-05:00

Liquid; time flows
Disconnected and hazy I'm an emtionless participant
Praying a prayer for something, for anything
Eyes desperate to cry, but a heart unable to break
A smile painted on with shimmering gloss
Hands busy, going through the motions
Numb
Liquid; time flows
Holding hands, kisses to sweaty foreheads and hugs
Eyes filled with salty tears of joy as I watch you dream
Peace found in prayers made in faith
Laughter breaching the stillness of night as your arms surround me
Hands busy, as life requires them to be
Sensation

Run

2011-06-20T05:29:00.000-05:00

Because it's good for you
And because someday your dad might ask to join you
You'll leave him on the hill
The humid air will torment your Mucinex dependant lungs
The hill will make you want to walk,
You'll stop and walk.
He'll catch up.
Between huffing and puffing you'll talk
You won't remember what about
But you'll remember you felt like holding his hand
You won't
But you'll write about it and then he'll know

I'd do it again

2011-06-06T00:59:00.001-05:00

May 29th 2004

We said I do

...And 7 years later
I love you more than ever

For the Love of [possibly] the BEST decision I ever made, and knowing I'd do it again,
Me

Really?

2011-05-22T02:29:00.000-05:00

Someone predicted the world, as we know it, would end yesterday
It didn't

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." - Matthew 24:36
"Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God instruction about baptism, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead and eternal judgment." - Hebrews 6:1-2

For the love of trusting and hoping in a God who knows, and living everyday as if today is THE day
Me

Tied for last

2011-04-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

This just in....I suck at put-put.

I successfully putted into one of the many water hazards, and by water hazard I mean a small pool of running water just off the mini-fairway. But don't worry I saved my dimpled red ball from the rapids and finished the remaining holes.

There may have been a few mulligans.

Pretty sure, I balanced any successful par holes by taking the 5-stroke maximum on the rest.

The non-competitive, laid-back spouses tied for first with E (5-year old put-put enthusiast). C was more interested in the rocks and dandelions growing off course - but managed to finishing 9 of our 18 hole game.

Leaving me and my golfing brother tied for last.

What a fun day

Up in smoke

2011-04-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

A bed of green grass and a sand box the size of a volley-ball court
Swings, slides, bicycles, and scooters
The unwinding from a day full of the daily-grind
The chatter of children, and reminders of parents to eat
Easy conversation, laughter and food
The thick smell of wood smoke clung to the strands of my hair and clothes
My finger nails stained with chalky black residue
A day up in smoke spent tending a rusty black smoker
All worth it to share with friends

For the love of Smokin' Gunn BBQ and our life-group
Me

Dungeons, Kings and Spring-time

2011-04-02T05:34:00.000-05:00

The chill of winter lingered in the breeze and startled with each encompassing swirl
Strands of light-brown sopped up the rays and deposited the heat against the nape of my neck
Pale shoe-less feet sunk into the coarse, cool sandy mix
And the show commenced :
The relentless evil king raced after the fleeing princess
Upon capture sandy-shackles and stocks held the princess captive enclosed in the dungeon of spring
As always; good triumphed over evil with the timely escape of the princess and the evil king soon found himself knee deep in the same sandy-stocks, with un-moving hands shackled.

For the love of Spring time in the park, make-believe and family,
Me

Jamie Rocket

2011-03-24T11:38:00.001-05:00

My face rested against your chest, your arms encompassed me

And the tears rolled down my cheeks

But

The laughter echoes in my heart - I can picture the bedtime chaos and it makes me smile

Miles separate, conversations bridge the distance

A scene burned into my memory replays - and I miss you, again

For the love of a weekend set aside to come home, and nephew-coined nicknames,
Me

Dear Valentine

2011-02-21T12:00:00.002-06:00

Everyday I get your love in works, the sweet fragrance of sacrifice exceeds even the sweetest rose
Everyday I get your love in supportive words, more beautiful than a blooming bud
Everyday...
A goodbye kiss to my sleepy lips before the sun has risen,
An empty dishwasher
A peaceful house prepped for a sleepy Saturday, and happy kids after an adventure with dad
Clean laundry neatly folded or inside closets hung
An empty trash can with fresh liner
Arms wrapped around me in a grip that says I'm yours
A text to say I miss you as I pull out of the driveway for work
A budget focused on being debt free with some wiggle room for fun
Your thoughts turned words penned on colleged ruled lines
A plate of pancakes with a side of french pressed coffee
Must see TV watched under covers with arms intertwined
A complimentary thank you for dinner even if it's PB&J

Now, a dozen red roses is never wrong,
But I'd trade them all to keep us just the way we are.
Because we don't need a "day" to say I love you
Happy everyday and forever
I love us Valentine

This Just in - February blogging drought ends

2011-02-20T03:06:00.002-06:00

Wednesday, February 9th I turned 29
My 30th year of life has begun
I don't feel "old," wonder when that's going to set it - 50?
I lost 20 # in 28 days (What?!)
I sabotaged my maintenance plan with wedding cake and cream cheese mints (BOO, but so delicious)
I can't remember the last time healthy looked this good on me
- self-confidence courtesy of the Lord's working in my life, my husband, and being almost 30 :)
I ran 3.9 miles on Friday in beautiful 50 degree weather (my legs are still sore today - maybe this is what "old" feels like?)

Blanc serves an amazing burger and bottle of cream soda
--shout out to Groupon for motivation and $ saved at the above mentioned amazing burger joint.

Happy "The Honeymoon's Over" to my brother and new sister-in-law
Watching your wedding was a true joy (just in case my tears confused you)
Your relationship is a beautiful testament to the grace and provision of God, may He be glorified in your marriage as you continue to grow in Him
And, PS: The thought "now everyone knows we had sex" is normal - it eventually goes away (are you blushing/laughing Megs?)
Plan for house guests x4 sometime in March.

Frosty is gone
His scarf was tossed haphazardly into the winter-accessories-basket
His snow shovels were put away in the garage
His hat now hangs from it's wooden peg in E's room
He didn't get a funeral, but we did sing Frosty the Snowman one last time
His life a fair trade for the warmer weather and sunshine

Making time for relationships makes the week full, in a count-my-blessings kind of way
Old friends and new babies make me smile
The smell of a newborn baby is sweet, but not sweet enough for me to miss having one in my house
I'm completely blessed by and content with our family; ear infections, runny noses, coughs, fevers and all.
In sickness and in health - with a little help from Ibuprofen and Benadryl.

Francis Chan's book Crazy Love is both challenging and inspiring...love it!
Consider "the Twinkie analogy"
"Imagine going for a run while eating a box of Twinkies. Besides being self-defeating and side ache-inducing, it would also be near impossible - you would have to stop running in order to eat the Twinkies.
In the same way, you have to stop loving and pursing Christ in order to sin. When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or Did I serve enough this week?
As we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural. As long as we are pursuing Him, we are satisfied in Him. It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment." - page 104 (Chapter 6 - When You're In Love)
*Put it on your must read in 2011 list (and if you don't have a "must read" list just resolve to read it)
Additionally, I love our life group.

For the love of; being almost 30, self-confidence, burgers and diets, marriage, the promise of Spring, relationships, contentment, and inspiration.
Me

Step Up

2011-01-29T00:58:00.000-06:00

I didn't believe in being "called"
God changed my mind
And He laid the path before me
I wasn't sure I was fit for the job
He reassured me
I got involved
He walks beside me
I took on organizing a 5K
He directed my planning
He went before me
He is working it out
So the date is set
The site is reserved
There is a lot of tentative,
But I'm stepping up and trusting in Him

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Mark you calendars:

Saturday, June 18th

And come take a step for Hope

Hope Challenge, healing the hearts of teens one step at a time

"...for he purified their hearts by faith." - Acts 15:9b

"Faith comes by hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ."

- Romans 10:17

A Heart's Prayer

2011-01-22T02:31:00.000-06:00

All the pieces of me belong to Him.

Each role purpose filled opening my eyes to see;

Wife, Mom, Daughter, Sister, Friend

A little piece of who He is and what He requires of me.

Underneath there's a woman, who sometimes feels small

Insignificant, overwhelmed, not focused or prepared,

But His grace is sufficient and His blood covers all .

Take away the desire for selfishness and control,

There's no peace in this world when I seek my own way

Bring my heart to YOUR work and steady my soul.

Strip away this world and the temptations that snare,

Fill my mind with your word, grant me boldness to speak

Use my words and my heart to reflect how you care

My walk, so short, each step you already know

Sometimes deliberate, sometimes filled with mistakes

With endurance and strength may I continually grow

Until you return may I run and not faint

My hope is in you, and I trust in your way.

50 Words

2011-01-16T23:43:00.000-06:00

I tried to think of 50-things
To send in a box that you received
This birthday, you're not at home
You're working and serving, but far from alone
You're welcomed and surrounded by an eternal family
I'm so thankful for you dad
You are a blessing to me
So here are 50 words that remind me of you :
1. Dad
2. Daddy
3. Loving
4. Hard worker
5. Faithful husband
6. Papa
7. Fun
8. Fair
9. Talkative
10. Generous
11. Wise
12. Carpenter
13. Protective
14. Handy
15. Logical
16. Elder
17. Strict (but in the best way)
18. Loud
19. Smile
20. Growing
21. Man of God
22. Good with numbers
23. Boat driver
24. Giving
25. Joyful
26. Hugs
27. Too tight
28. Coach
29. Clean
30. Basketball
31. Lake
32. Competitive
33. Our cheerleader
34. Sound advice
35. Smart
36. Leader
37. Honorable
38. Encouraging
39. Forgiving
40. Proud
41. Referee
42. Smart
43. Tearful
44. Strong
45. Determined
46. Provider
47. Example
48. Honest
49. Convicted
50. Godly

Happy Birthday Dad - I love you

Shouting

2011-01-15T05:50:00.000-06:00

There's a new trend developing at the G house
It's not one I'm fond of in the least
It's the tune-mom-out trend
It goes something like this...
Please go put on socks and shoes
Socks and shoes please
Put down the toy and put on your socks and shoes
Do you have your socks and shoes on?
No?
What did mommy ask you to do 3-times already
Put on your socks and shoes
Gradually with each request my tone is
Less patient
More irritated
Increasing in volume

Shouting doesn't work
Regrettably, I know - because I've tried.

I've found getting the kids undivided attention requires me giving them mine.
I can not ask, while rushing around completing my own task, or shout commands from downstairs to up
A request is best delivered on their level, while still, in a controlled tone

It's not a perfect world
I'm not perfect
And so sometimes
I shout
At least I already know the solution

For the love of self-control, heightened listening skills and short-lived trends,
Me

PS: I started a new diet, hoping it's going to be a lifestyle change not a diet.
PPS: I am hungry.

More than Pedicures

2011-01-08T04:25:00.000-06:00

Your fingers and toes sparkled as you sipped the Sprite, patiently waiting on the stubborn callouses to be filed from my worn feet.
"Mom, I love you this day, right now."
The words jumped from your lips and your beautiful blue eyes danced with delight.
My lips upturned in a proud grin and back to you, my beautiful daughter I replied
"I love you too"
Most of our conversation was saturated with make believe
I enjoyed playing along
And you enjoyed the undivided attention

This day
Right now
And forever I will love you Charlie Grace
Happy 4th birthday (a few days late)
You are passionate, strong and beautiful
You challenge and encourage me with you strong and sweet spirit
And I am blessed to be your mom

Happy Blog-Year 2010

2011-01-01T01:27:00.001-06:00

A Year in the life of blogged thoughts
AND
Just in case you have nothing better to do, than re-read my blog
My top 12, (one from each month) because the "Top 10 list" on New Years is over-rated

JANUARY - Charlie and Cupcakes
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/01/so-i-made-cupcakes.html

FEBRUARY - My how you grow, A little theology and Simple Honest Love
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/02/love-is.html

MARCH - Questions for mommy and some Truth
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/03/truth-is.html

APRIL - Jesus Loves Me, COOKIES ARE REAL DINOSAURS ARE EXTINCT, Super Dad, Candy Indulgence, Moment living, and Missing Josh & Abbey
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/04/messy-mortar.html

MAY - Worry, Expectations, Celebrating Mom, Diets, and A Do's & Don'ts post
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/05/25-dos-and-few-donts.html

JUNE - Vacation and an Overdue anniversary post
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/06/6-years-12-days.html

JULY - Eclipsed and Hypotheticals
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/07/hypothetically.html

AUGUST - Patients on my heart, A new Mission, Birthday of a baby never born, and Eggs
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/08/eggs-etc.html

SEPTEMBER - Ethan, Nephews, Littlest brother, Loving fall, and Kids quotes
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/09/kids-say.html

OCTOBER - No eating out, Joshua, Love letters, a new blog and a life lived simply
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/10/just-another-manic.html

NOVEMBER - Thankfulness, Fun with feathers, Santa disclaimer, and Still an empty A
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2009/11/a.html

DECEMBER - Fun quotes. Fisticuffs, and a Merry Update
www.reflectionofme-inside-out.blogspot.com/2010/12/merry-update.html

For the love of blessings in 2010, hope in 2011 and journaling via the internet,
Me

A Merry Update

2010-12-24T17:29:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas 2010

As a family we traveled to Islamorada FL. with my parents and bother’s families. The kids really enjoyed their first airplane ride, delays and all. We lathered on the sunscreen and escaped any sunburns for the week. Unfortunately, for my brother Joshua, jellyfish are not repelled in the least by sunscreen. Thus following his painful sting, most of the swimming we did was in the pool not the ocean! It was a fun-filled time full of memories we will not soon forget.

Ethan (5) is still our laid-back, sweet mannered guy, with the occasional testing of our discipline-consistency. School is high on E’s priority list, he likes to be on time and we’re blessed to have Ms Janet for his teacher. Ethan loved soccer almost as much as he loved Jacob being his coach – and if you ask us he was the best on his team J One of Ethan’s favorite places is Memaw and Papa’s lake house and he became quite the dare-devil this year – tubing, occasionally swimming without a life-jacket and jumping of cliffs! He’s a good big brother to Charlie and she’s his cheerleader.

Charlie (3) is our princess, with an overflowing-passion for all things girly and a pretty-big dose of drama. School for Charlie is social hour and she thrives there. Ballet was one of the highlights of C’s year and the beautiful costume to enjoy through out the year was an additional bonus. She ‘s the creative director of play at our house, and can often be heard asking you to call her “princess” or “queen.” Wardrobe for Charlie is dress or bust, if there are jeans laid out to wear there will probably be tears. Charlie was excited to get her ears pierced this year, and after gift opening she’ll have lots of options to wear. She’s a good little sister to Ethan, and he plays along in whatever make-believe she dreams up.

Jacob and I celebrated 6 years of marriage this year. We were blessed to take a trip to NYC. We visited all the sites as well as enjoyed food by our favorite Iron Chef – Bobby Flay.

Jacob transition to Olathe East High School and is enjoying teaching freshman Biology as well as Student Naturalist. He misses coaching, but is happy to have established and leading an FCA group.

I continue work in the PICU at KUMed part-time working the night-weekend option, which allows me to be a more rested happy mommy the rest of the time.

We have our ups and downs but love this family and life we’ve been blessed with!

Hoping this letter finds you well, and relishing in the hope and joy we have during this Christmas season.

Merry Fisticuffs

2010-12-23T19:57:00.000-06:00

It was a merry Christmas eve eve
Filled with Wii boxing
Trash talking
Fun family competition,
No, I did not let my 5 year old beat me - he legitimately just can
Yes, I did let my 3 year old win (KO in the first round)- she's a sore looser

Quote of the night:
"You're no match for your little sweety!"
-Charlie to Jacob

Be

2010-12-21T11:16:00.002-06:00

Because I know how you feel

I felt it once too.

Because life is sometimes hard

It just is.

Because the right way isn’t always clear

Ask.

Because you are worth more

Believe.

Because you are beautiful

See it.

Because HE loves you

He does.

Because you have a choice to make

Choose right.

Because the best possible version of yourself

Is You

Charlie-ism Christmas Edition

2010-12-19T22:27:00.000-06:00

This Christmas season has warranted some fun teaching moments, I love my passionate and direct girl.

Me - Who did God give us as a gift?
E & C - JESUS
Charlie - But mom, he didn't come in a box

While standing in line at the Wal-Mart, daddy's gift in hand a woman asked Charlie
"Who's going to be coming in a few days"
Unprompted, Charlie excitedly replied
"Jesus"

While leaving the Wal-Mart following the very proud mommy moment
We passed a bell-ringer.
It's our tradition to always let the kids put some change in the bucket
This bell ringer was dressed up as Santa and as Charlie placed her quarter in the red tub
She inquisitively said
"Are you the real Santa"
The man replied no, that he was one of Santa's helpers
As we walked away Charlie said
"Mom, I knew he wasn't really the real Santa, cause Santa's not real. Right mom."

Lame

2010-12-10T16:58:00.001-06:00

Flexion and extension is almost impossible without wrenching pain shooting through my left elbow

Lame that it hurts

Lame that the only thing I've done this week is Jazzersize, and only once with 7 # weights

Lame

Crack

2010-12-04T00:13:00.000-06:00

"Mom, how does the baby crack out of the mommy's tummy?
Did I just crack it open so I could come out or did you?"
--Ethan

My dear son, my stomach is not an egg.
You did not hatch.
You are not a chicken.
It may be time for an anatomy lesson.

Deck the Halls

2010-11-30T12:40:00.001-06:00

It's my favorite time of year!
My house smells of cinnamon, and vanilla
Garland is stretched around the doorways
Lights sparkle and glimmer.
The nativity graces the top of the piano
Cookie and candy recipes are beginning to surface from the wooden recipe box
It's been a fantastic couple of days here in the G house
Now take 3 min and 11 seconds and enjoy this fun Christmas tune
Don't you wish it was Christmas today?

2010 Thanksgiving Edition

2010-11-25T22:14:00.001-06:00

I am thankful :

For a God who gives me grace, strength during trial and a cup over-flowing with blessings
For a husband who reads over my shoulder while I blog, makes me cry with his hug of love and care, then makes me laugh by spouting off different "words" we could make with only 4 our of the 5 letters of P-E-A-C-E.
For a son that still wants to hold my hand and lets me hold him tight; whose mind is sharp and heart is soft.
For a daughter who challenges me to be more fun and spontaneous; whose passion is intense and imagination larger than life.
For a mom who's grown to be my friend; and who wasn't afraid to not be a friend when that's what I needed.
For the big hugs and random shoulder squeezes from a dad whose love language is time and touch.
For a brother that's honest and realistic and who rules both the office and play time.
For a sister-in-law that's an amazing mom, aunt and best friend; whose contentment and ease of spirit encourages me to grow.
For a brother I can mentor as he opens himself; who shares his heart, his failures and his joy (I'm so proud of him).
For a girl who's my sister in Christ, who's laughter and faith has brought joy and strength to my afore mentioned brother (I hope to call you sister someday!)
For a best friend who has always been there; and whose prayer and accountability mean the world to me.
For a second family who shares life with us; whose children are as dear to me as my own; and whose friendship is unlike any other and irreplaceable.
For a life group made up of friends who encourage me in the word as we walk in the world.

I'm thankful for our home, a full fridge, cars to get us from here to there, but a life full of "stuff" would be empty without relationship. Relationship with God, family and friends.
And so while I'm blessed with lots of stuff, mostly it's the people and my God for who I give thanks!

Still

2010-11-24T23:43:00.000-06:00

Peppermint ice cream
Hot chocolate and gingersnaps
A bedtime snack perfect for cavity making
Christmas music on
Garland strewn
Stockings up
And still there an empty A
I started thinking about this
No one saw the tears well up in my eyes
I didn't cry
I didn't need to

Dear Santa

2010-11-23T22:01:00.000-06:00

I don't recall ever believing in you
I thank my parents for making Christmas about Christ
I'm not against you or anything
But when we walk through the Dollar General and E says
"Maybe Santa will get this for me"
After I've told him, not today, but I'll put in on your list
I'm sincerely annoyed
And
I told him you weren't real
To which he replied
"Oh yes he is mom, I saw him one time at the mall"

For the love of a 5-year old, imagination and reality
Me

Mommy

2010-11-21T22:32:00.000-06:00

I watch her dress your wounds
I watch her hurt for you - your pain is her pain
I watch her heart break
She cares for you and she loves you
Knowing your days are numbered
My heart aches for her
So, I take her love for you
And I implant it into my own heart
Two blessings soundly asleep in their beds at home
No fit too big
No attitude too ugly
For all our days are numbered
And if today is the only day I have with you
I want it to be filled with grace, love and you - just the way you are

Dinner Music

2010-11-19T01:24:00.000-06:00

Penne pasta, with marinara
Broccoli seasoned and topped with parmesan
Cheesy garlic toast
Three of four heads bowed in prayer
Three of four mouths enjoying the meal
One of four balling, screaming, fit-throwing in her room
Control was regained
And so four or four finished the meal
And played a mean-round of 20-questions

For the love of pasta, drama, and 20-questions,
Me

Confession

2010-11-17T11:03:00.000-06:00

He slunk to my side
Head hanging with eyes focused on the floor
He mumbled something I didn't understand
So I stooped to his level
Arms firmly on his shoulders
I asked what's wrong
His tear filled eyes met mine
And in in a whisper he confessed he had broken my necklace
I hugged him
His tears were punishment enough
And I poured out my love for him and my pride in his decision
We walked hand in hand to the bathroom to uncover the damage
He had to riffle through the bag to find it
And I saw the turmoil in his heart...
Already tempted to hide and to lie
But choosing right
So young to feel the pressure of sin
May I guide you in the path of righteousness
And may you always feel lead to let me in

Feathers and jewels

2010-11-15T00:43:00.001-06:00

There was no arguing or fighting
Bead after jewel, after puff paint, after feather, after split-pea, after pasta, after pom-pom
We pasted and stuck and arranged
Two turkey's later,
I'm just over-flowing with gratitude to a God who would bless me with this family
They are the feathers in my boa and the jewels in my crown

Charlie's Turkey

Ethan's Turkey

My Turkeys

Love

2010-11-10T19:46:00.001-06:00

Their brows furrowed with concern
Bodies empty and exhausted
Minds anxious and filled with worry
A sip of water
A warm blanket
Holding hands
A kiss on the forehead
Hospital beds too small to fit a couple, the cot cuddled up beside will have to do
Eyes watch as the chest struggles to rise and pain embeds the face of the one they love
Nurturing, rocks of strength at the bedside
Crumbling hearts of hurt as they step outside the door
Ready to not
They're not
Death is upon the one they love
Maybe not today
Hopefully
And so they sit,
Still in love, watching them wither away

Flush

2010-11-03T21:45:00.001-05:00

Tonight we flushed four hundred dollars down the toilet.

Four hundred dollars that was reserved for Christmas shopping on Saturday.

Four hundred dollars earned elbow deep in diapers, NG tube feedings and formula, at the cost of sleep
It's hard not to be bummed
But I can do laundry, flush the toilet, run the dishwasher and take a shower all at the same time now!

For the love of modern conveniences ie: indoor plumbing,
Me

Happy Halloween

2010-11-01T00:29:00.003-05:00

What cereal do ghosts eat for breakfast ?

-- Boo-berry crunch

What ride does ghosty like the best ?

-- The roller-ghoster

What do you call an empty hot dog who likes halloween ?

-- A happy halloweenie

Hair

2010-10-30T11:28:00.003-05:00

Tuesday I had a hair appointment. I was channeling Hedi Klum. I didn't pull up a picture but I was pretty sure I gave a good description. Not really much of a change from what I currently had, but a little.

I must have not given as clear of description as I had thought. Unfortunately, for me, I ended up with something that looks more like the "Rachel" from the 90's. I already tried this cut my Jr. year of HS and it didn't take too well. Upside: Since the 90's someone invented the straightening iron for use outside the salon inside the home - and I own one.

For the love of change, ponytails, more ponytails and vitamins to speed hair growth.

Yesterday

2010-10-27T09:42:00.000-05:00

I lost my voice
It's hard to communicate to your 3 and 5 year old in a whisper
I asked Ethan is he was hungry and he replied "wait....what do we agree on?" (go ahead, whisper are you hungry and see what it sounds like!)
I started a daily devo- blog (because I need more consistency)
I woke up to encouraging notes and scripture taped all over our house
I stepped in dog poop on our family walk
It felt like fall
We cleared off some DVR space with TV catch up night
I got to rest
Was a great day, no voice and all

Joshua

2010-10-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

Your cookies already gone
But your voicemail holds a silly Happy-Birthday song
How I miss my friend, who tells me how it is
Even if I'm not ready to hear it
Who listens, amidst the chaos of kids
Who gave me an amazing sister and best friend
Who crawls on the floor and chases all the kids, a real kid at heart
Who's an incredible dad and loving husband
It's your birthday today
And I'm remembering the days of Burgers and Chiefs games

I love you Joshua!
Happy 27th birthday

Whole hearted, but halfway

2010-10-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

My whole heart is for God
My whole heart is for my husband and kids
My whole heart is for my family
My whole heart is for my friends
My whole heart is for the girls and staff at House of Hope
My whole heart is for our service at church
My whole heart is for giving great care to the patients at work
And I wholeheartedly want to have a house that's clean and welcoming
But, sometimes my efforts are so divided my whole heart and effort feels like halfway
Just barely keeping up

Lesson learned
1. Saying No is okay - especially when the yes feels like "one more thing"
2. Baking cookies and playing front-yard whiffle ball is something to say YES to
3. Working more + sleeping less = An increased effort of self-control to keep it together and get things done
4. I love my family
5. I need to make more room for God every day, consistently

Nine

2010-10-14T13:00:00.001-05:00

Just nine-
Nine weeks.
That's what the expectant mom said
And my nightmare of nine seeped from my memory
So, I distracted myself with grumbling about sand
As I watched Charlie's toes disappear into the giant litter box
The picture of her tiny body, still and frozen at nine weeks, clouded my mind
A gulp of water helped to dam up the tears
But the emotion of it all slowly faded into the background
As I watched Ethan run and Charlie tip toe
As I listened to the anticipation of new life and growing families
As I felt the warm sun caress my face and the gentle breeze tease my hair
I made peace, again, with loosing her
And I'm ok
I'm better than ok
I'm thankful
I'm content
I'm happy
And so is she

Ways I'm like Paula Dean

2010-10-14T00:14:00.000-05:00

BUTTER
I use only sweet-cream (typically store-brand) butter when baking
That's it.
So I guess a more appropriate blog title would be:
Butter - the one way I'm like Paula Dean
And in the spirit of TV cooking personalities,
If you need an easy dessert try this
1 can cherry pie filling
1 can crushed pineapple (drained)
1 box yellow cake mix
1 stick butter (melted)

In an 8x8 greased baking dish mix cherry filling and pineapple
Stir cake mix into melted butter
Top filling with the cake-butter mixture
Bake at 350 for 30 min or until the top is lightly brown and the filling bubbly

Cheers!

Just another manic

2010-10-12T10:48:00.002-05:00

Tuesday?
No, That's not how it goes.
I need a creative day
I'd like to put my playlist on shuffle, pick out photos to edit-print-and fill up the frames cluttering my bedroom floor, I'd like to write an amazing blog about Sunday's sermon and how I balled to Toby Mac's "Loose your way" while car dancing,fist pumping, and singing at the top of my lungs with Ethan and Charlie
Instead I made microwave cinnamon-sugar oatmeal and toast
Cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher and
Put dishes away from the clean side of the sink
I polished off yesterday's pot of coffee with extra hazelnut creamer (because the coffee was a tad strong - it was from yesterday)
I swept and swiffered the upstairs floors
I'm in the process of making rye bread (a first)
And I have a date to make peanut butter cookies with my favorite sous-chefs after Max and Ruby
I need to work on the October budget, but I'll probably hang out with a friend and her kids instead (and I'm not even a little bit sad about that trade of events!)
The photos can wait - and I'm sure my sous-chefs would love a little baking music

For the love of toast, little helpers, daily tasks and a life simply lived
Me

Love letters

2010-10-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

College ruled, creased and crisp
Passed under desks or in the hall
I remember the excited feeling, a fluttering in the pit of your stomach
I really am the luckiest -
I found a guy who still likes to write me love letters (sometimes even poetry)
He still writes to me on college ruled notebook paper
It's not always crisp, often wadded and wrinkled, and sometimes it's a recycled masterpiece
Strategically placed atop my pillow, was a note
My hands held the paper and my stomach fluttered in anticipation
Love letters, much like love, get better with age
And as I drifted off to sleep his words saturated my mind
The best lullaby I can imagine

Impossible

2010-10-08T01:28:00.001-05:00

It's impossible to defrost meat in the microwave (my microwave) while cooking pancakes on the griddle with the light on over the stove while running the dishwasher and keeping the fridge cool.
Trust me, I tried (3-times). That's 2 more breaker-box trips than necessary to really know it's not possible.
Oh well!

So it begins (or continues)

2010-10-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

NO-Eat-Out-October is upon us
You are probably thinking, really?
I didn't know that was a thing?
It's not, it's just something we're trying.
And 5-days in we've been very successful
I love that it's soup weather, and that I have some of mom's left-over vegetable beef soup in the fridge
I've been rummaging through recipes
And trying to keep it healthy
Traveling was easy with a little planning and some help from igloo
My coffee pot has been getting a work-out
But, I need a travel cup to lessen the Starbucks temptation
I'm sure around day 15 I'll be missing Chick-fil-A with this weather change
But for now the challenge of planning, self-control, delayed-gratification and saving money is exciting and motivating.
Time to continue the motivation into marinating chicken
Because if you don't plan dinner at 10am while cleaning up the breakfast dishes, the 6pm dinner rush attacks and you'll find yourself with frozen chicken, idea-less, resorting to eating out.
Happy No-Eat-Out-October friends.

Say It

2010-10-04T04:24:00.001-05:00

Say the hard thing
Be yourself, with as little drama as possible
Sometimes it's not possible
Cry
Hug
Work at relationships, because they take work
Lots of it
Forgive
And know you're better for it all

Falling

2010-09-29T05:06:00.000-05:00

There are several reasons I enjoy fall
Mostly it's the weather change
But it's also;
Napping to football on Sunday afternoon cradled in my husbands lap
Sweat free family walks and bike rides
Colored leaves
Crunching acorns in the drive that tell me someones here
Spiced apple cider
Chillie and frittos and sharp cheddar (and it has to be sharp)
Picking out Halloween costumes and candy
Pumpkin-spice lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin cheesecake, and pumpkin pie
The clothing possibilities that comes with layering
Jeans
The pumpkin patch
Baking Thanksgiving pies
And the Christmas countdown

A fast 5

2010-09-24T03:21:00.000-05:00

This birth-day in comparison to the day of your birth was;
Fun-filled - I wouldn't call labor fun
It was directed by you - exactly like your debut
Your laughter was contagious and unconfined- tears were the only thing we shared on the day of your birth
Today was seemingly painless, minus the nagging twinge I feel for the loss of your tiny-ness and dependence on me
I spent a considerable amount of time hunched over your tiny body begging God to heal and protect you then - today I just thanked Him for the healthy growing boy you are
I got to hold you for the first time - at bedtime you asked me to sleep with you for 1 minuet (which turned into 10, and you hugged me and teased me that now you might be too old to give me hugs - I convinced you, a boy is never too old to hug his mom, and another hug followed)
Tonight you said "I love you mom"

It seems like yesterday. That long day of labor at the hospital, surrounded by family and visited by friends. And than another long week would follow as we prayed for you, and waited for you to be well and ready for us to bring you home. But that was five years ago - how you've grown, and so have I.
Love you Ethan!
Your hug-able mommy forever
Me

Birth-DAY, told in pictures

2010-09-22T02:57:00.041-05:00

Birthday Morning (Kerplunk)

Birthday pancake (cinnamon-chocolate chip)

Birthday haircut (spiky just like daddy)

Birthday lunch (God is great, God is good, thank you for our...nuggets)

Birthday root beer

Birthday Play

Birthday ice cream

Birthday presents

Birthday pranks

Birthday bouncing

Birthday gaming

Birthday bed-time snack

Birthday hygiene

Birthday Bible reading

G-fam

2010-09-19T23:55:00.001-05:00

I was blessed with a "second-family" as a child
And again as an adult
Their friends, but ones who we grow beside
Whole family growth
This was a G-family filled weekend
We've been missing them since school started
I can't believe our kids are in school
And that this week my oldest turns 5
5!

For the love of second families, aging, ear piercing and a cup-runneth over blessed weekend
Me

Brothers, Baby bottles, Beauty Rest and Lots of...

2010-09-17T14:22:00.001-05:00

For the grand-total of 2.5 days I was responsible for 4-children

- that's two more children than hands!
We acquired a pair of brothers, from my brother while he and my sister visited the Windy City for the Tool-show, which Jacob made several puns about
-that's my guy, I just laugh with him!

The brothers like, my pair are 15 months apart, one is spunky - the other chill
-I give a cyber-pat on the back to myself, and every-other mom of multiple children-less than 2yrs apart out there, what were we thinking

They are both in diapers, and for some-reason my two think diapers are both gross and hilarious

My diaper skills were tested but I came out unscathed
-I almost forgot how great potty trained children are (note: trained, past tense -as in done training because that part is not so great),

One is lovingly nick-named "the stinky monster" - the other "sweet boy" (a'la E and C)

One drinks from a bottle - the other anything he can get his hands on

-I remembered how much I dislike formula; the smell, the sticky residue that clings to my counters, and..I can't think of why else, but the smell alone should be enough.
My broom and pick up skills may have been perfected
-Additionally, my floor would like to thank the maker of sippy-cups, lids and straws - whoever you are

It was a lot of work
My husband pitched in a lot

We had a lot of fun

We didn't get a lot of sleep

I drank a lot of coffee

And I pose a question how does the mom of four shower on a regular basis?

For the love of nephews and a lot more good times to come
Me

Crayon on the wall

2010-09-14T17:00:00.001-05:00

Fact- The dinning room doubles as art room
Fact- My children didn't always color on paper as directed
Fact- Sometimes my life resembles the trim scratched, scared, and imperfectly colored with crayon.

As I meticulously painted, I had a God moment.
He's the painter, and my life is the trim
He's patient applying coat after coat
Covering up the misapplied crayon, and the scrapes.
And I'm so thankful
I don't deserve it, but He makes me beautiful and everyday is new.
Thank you Lord!

Carpenter ant

2010-09-13T23:35:00.001-05:00

As I sat watching paint dry, literally, piening over the 1" angled brush I passed up at the Home Depot
An ant waltzed through the wet trim, and I said to him
"Ant for having a name like carpenter you're not being very mindful of the drying paint"
He didn't answer
I didn't smash him,
But I did get all the trim, molding and casing painted today.
For the love of bugs and productivity
Me

Kids say the....

2010-09-12T00:00:00.002-05:00

"Wow mom, you look better than normal" - Ethan

"No, no, no, I'm not princess - I'm Vicki" - Charlie (but did you really need me to assign a name to this one!)

"Mom, I already know that, why do you keep telling me!?" - Ethan (I'm afraid this will not be the first or last time I hear something similar)

"Mooooommmm, Why do you keep telling me you love me" - Charlie (apparently not a "words" love- language recipent)

"Memaw, Briggs isn't my cousin anymore - he's my friend now" - Ethan (friend being an upgrade)

"Mom, lets close our eyes so they can't see us" - Chalrie

Fashion 101

2010-09-11T11:12:00.003-05:00

Ethan...Hey mom, can I wear these.
Me...no
Ethan...is that a rule
Me...yes, a style rule
Ethan...ok, I'll wear my light up shoes

Not sure that light up shoes fit into the category of styling fashion, but when you're 4- I guess it's ok!

Dropped it

2010-09-11T00:00:00.035-05:00

The ball that is
You see you turned 23, 10 days ago
So, Happy 23 and 10 days!
You've been far away, and not so far away this year
We've talked more than [I think] ever
I'm glad you want to talk to me
Sometimes you make me feel old
Sometimes you make me feel wise
Not sure that I'm either yet
You've found someone new, dare I say your forever someone
She's good for you, really good
And I may be wondering when down on one-knee/rock moment is, but I we don't have to talk about that
Unless you want to
So when did you say that moment was coming
Are you laughing at me yet
So in your 24th year I wish for you
Joy in the moment
A new pair of shoes
More Monopoly
Less miles on your truck, but ~~the same amount~~ more M-time
Love like you never knew possible
Forgiveness
Smiles and Happy tears
And
I may secretely be praying you get your own Charlie-girl (but not this year)

Love you littlest brother!

Reality is...

2010-09-10T04:36:00.001-05:00

~NOT found on MTV, E, Bravo or The CW, although ABC's Wipe-Out is pretty dog-gone real-funny
~Most people in the world are not famous
~Famous is a very relative term
~Making the hard decision
~There are consequences for your actions
~Seldom glamorous
~Being okay with you, just you
~Making a budget, and spending only what you make (and yes it's as fun as it sounds sometimes)
~I've made mistakes
~If you're reading this from the comfort of your American home that you're blessed beyond blessed
~Not always "fun"
~Your body changes after you carry and birth a baby, additionally you'll never get the flat stomach back you might have been so proud of
~Life is messy, and requires lots of forgiveness and grace
~I'm forgiven
~We're called to a greater purpose
~It's not about me - and I'm totally good with that (most days)

Like a weed (in the best possible way)

2010-09-08T06:35:00.002-05:00

Reading Sara Trollinger's Unglued & Tattooed as part of my House of Hope ministry preparation
Has been eye opening, difficult, and at times makes me physically ill.
Like I have to put it down or I'm afraid I will vomit (and I'm only through the second chapter).

Speaking of vomit, a bag of it leaked on me, my fun yellow purse, and Trollinger's book as I dared to hold it arms length out the window as we trekked up the winding road home from the lake.
I have my brother to thank for the root beer filled belly of my 4 year old.

Anyway.

I look at my beautiful, head-strong, passionate, imaginative Charlie and I can't picture 13, or 17 or 19
Except I can, and my stomach churns
And so I pray for a "Caleb" to come along side me and say
"We can do it -Yes, God can accomplish this work"
Because I know God has also called me to balance, and my children need my investment in them
And although patience is a virtue it's not one I naturally possess in great quantity
So I pray and I wait
And in the wait :
I'll keep reading because knowledge is power, and I'm going to need a strong stomach
And I'll pray some more, because He's listening and has the answers
And I'll continue in my devotion time, to know Him better
And I'll finish my prayer card, so my thoughts and prayers are rooted in scripture

So my faith is growing like the proverbial weed
I'm filled with excitement and anticipation of how God is going to move.
And praying his movement isn't prefaced with a time of wandering in the dessert before He knocks down the walls. Guess that would really grow my patience!

For the love of rooted growth, and patience in small doses!
Me

Confessions of a working mom

2010-09-05T19:24:00.002-05:00

Let's face it, all moms are working
And if you disagree;
1. maybe you should adjust your view, and
2. you're wrong
I just happen to work both in and out of my home
Now back to the subject at hand, which is also numbered
1. I cooked dinner only once this week (and that was because I was scheduled to take dinner to a new mom) -FAIL
2. This was my one shift week
3. It's budget week (guess that's not really a confession)
4. I'm contemplating a two-year plan that will radically change my "work" and schedule
5. Chick-Fil-A was dinner twice this week - FAIL, but YUM
6. The clean laundry is piled, not so neatly, in a laundry basket hidden in the basement - FAIL
7. I don't iron - Is it a fail if you just don't?
8. I wash both colors and whites at the same time (on the cold cycle, of course) - FAIL
9. Laundry is my nemesis (see #6 through #8)
10. Jacob irons his dress-shirt in the wee hours of the morning himself (see #6 and #7) - AWESOME HUSBAND

I'll gladly fail at these things weekly;
If it means I get to play with the kids at the park, and the pool.
If it means I can volunteer more, and kiss my afore mentioned awesome husband more.
If it means I have more time to give back to God in devotion and prayer.

So here's to another week filled with pulling this mornings wrinkled outfit from a basket, in-frequent cooking, and more failing :)
For the love of quality time,
Me

Break the fast

2010-08-31T09:51:00.004-05:00

Battle of the Breakfast Choice

340 calories VS. 280

Guess which one I choose! The Colby-cheese egg whites on whole wheat 45 cal per slice toast with strawberries....eating right just gets easier and easier one choice at a time :)

For the love of egg whites - Happy Choosing

The Word

2010-08-31T07:00:00.002-05:00

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you (Isaiah 66:13)

Let no one deceive you with empty words. (Ephesians 5:6)

But look, your are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless. (Jeremiah 7:8)

Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

The Holy One is our Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back...and with deep compassion I will bring you back...I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54:5b-8b)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

...Ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. (Jeremiah 6:16)

Obey Me and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. (Jeremiah 7:23)

The Mission of Our Healing Home:

The the girls who leave this place will --

Be able to discern what is best, and

be pure and blameless.

Going out in joy, led forth in peace

as salt and light to the world.

(Isaiah 55:1a, Matthew 5:13-16 & Philippians 1:9-11)

The Call

2010-08-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading my blog recently - you've seen a little piece of what's on my heart
My "big heart" as mom put it.
God has been binding up pieces of my life experience (all 28 years!)
Lightening the burden my heart carries -because it's His too
And weaving a vision through scripture into my life
Matthew 9:36-38 : When he saw the crowds He had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples; The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

I get so wrapped up in my day to day grind
I'm selfish
I was missing the helpless and harassed
That's why God strategical placed her, and him and her in my path
I refuse to be anymore
See, I've always been ~~a little~~ skeptical when
I've heard others talk about receiving "the call" or being "called"
I apologize
Maybe God doesn't have a specific call for each of us?
Maybe before I wasn't able or ready to listen?
But, now that I've heard there's nothing else I can do that will feel right until I am doing this work.
And so, I guess that's what it feels like to be called.
I am a doer, sometimes to my demise
But in doing something about this I will not fail, for He is with me

ACTIONS

Thursday I met with the director of House of Hope KC

I shared my heart, she shared her story.

And today I go for Big-Sister orientation

It's a start, a small step in the journey to;

Someday having our own non-for-profit organization and home for healing teen girls

God can use me

I am confident in Him

Pray with me

And if you feel called join with me!

Just another First

2010-08-24T00:23:00.004-05:00

First Day of School 2010

I can't believe how fast you grow. Or the difference in this first day vs. last years.

You carry your bag with such pride and your marvel comic folder has a holder. You smile so I'm sure to capture the space between your bottom teeth! I can't believe how tall you are but, we've got to work on your posture :)

Your eyes are closed, but your still absolutely beautiful.

Your smile says it all! You dance from side without a care, you love school.

Positive-Encouraging

2010-08-20T09:00:00.002-05:00

I love Google
I don't Bing, I Google
And here was the google topic for the day
"Non-for-Profit organization, Emotionally-hurting teenage girls"
Then I turned on the radio, to the only radio station I turn on
97.3 K-LOVE
And they advertised needs for the House Of Hope
So I googled
= Home for "healing teens"
And I prayed
With an excited heart
Then I called :
And I have a meeting with the director on Wednesday
http://www.houseofhopekc.org/

Like a ton o' bricks

2010-08-20T05:04:00.002-05:00

My heart just kept aching
My head wheeling
My hands busy with daily tasks

Tuesday, rest time for the kids=devotion time for me
I'm still not sure where I started,
But it hit me
And verse after verse, they all seemed to mesh together,
Woven purposefully by someone greater, for something greater
3 pages of my MOPS personalized journal later,
(Although filled with j~~ust as many~~ more questions than answers)
There was a clear vision for what these hurting girls needed - God; His Love and His Rest
A name for a House and a Mission statement for the needy souls God loves so deeply
Tears welt up in my eyes
I felt inadequate, and
Like the calling was too big, because it is (it's God-sized)
And a little afraid that Jacob would think I was crazy, he didn't
Instead he said "if anyone can do it you can...where do we start"
To which I started crying again
He took my vision, encouraged it, and made it his own!

And so here I sit; on the verge of something greater than myself
Filled with joy, a lot of questions, a little anxiety and saturated with hope- that God can use me to make a difference.

Please pray with me and for me as I start this journey.

Shhhhhh

2010-08-17T19:15:00.003-05:00

Sounds of bedtime are assumed to be the humm of a fan, the chirp of a cricket, the tumbling of the dryer, the solem creaks and groans of a home as it falls asleep
At my house it's the thump of a foot against the wall or the swosh of restless sleepers, the whispered words and giggles of a three and four year old, the scampering of little feet during a midnight run to the toilet, the "ahem" as the afore mentioned four year old crowds into bed.
Sweet, and anything but solem.

Dear Charlie

2010-08-16T11:00:00.001-05:00

You have the capacity within you to be amazingly strong
You are passionate and beautiful
Others are drawn to you and you lead unknowingly
I want to equip you to be strong in the things that matter
To believe in and hold firm to your convictions
I want you to have passion for the truth
And as you naturally lead, lead others down the road less traveled
I want you to feel beautiful
And understand that real beauty is rooted on the inside
Displayed on the outside in things much greater than clothes and hair styles
I want you to be you, even if your passion, and strength at 3 are a little hard for me to handle
Because all too soon, you won't be 3 anymore

Love them

2010-08-16T00:13:00.003-05:00

And I love how Jacob can make them smile

Broken

2010-08-15T17:31:00.048-05:00

Over 8 years time I'm still unaccustomed to seeing some at their worst
15, and suicide attempt number 4
Is the world really so different since I was 15?
And then there's all the big questions of why, how, it's unfair etc.
In my heart I know the answer...
It is simply that we live in a sinful, broken world.
But it doesn't make me feel better
It doesnt' make her life any easier
So
I gaze into your sad eyes
Alone, lonely
Broken and with out hope
What has stolen your childhood
Is it really that the teenage pressures for you too great
I think it's something more
Something your cuts show, but that you can't say
You believe in God you say
You think you might deserve hell
Thing is, we all do
But instead I say
God loves you, He treasures you
And there is nothing you can do so terrible that he won't forgive you.
I questioned that once
He restored me.
And here I am
Sitting quietly listening to your despair
Praying silently over you in my heart
And hoping you will be able to hear the truth I speak through all your pain
I am broken for you

Degrees of comfort

2010-08-15T00:00:00.005-05:00

There are only so many layers you can discard, and still be considered dressed
I mean it's really not appropriate to run errands in your BVD's
--does that brand still exist?
The thermometer reads 102, the heat index is 107 (whatever that means)
I'm not supposed to fill up with gas until after the sun has set
Insert a visit to the local pool - ahhhhhh.
The car sitting in the sun reads 110
Ethan asked if 110 was as hot as fire
I told him I was pretty sure that fire was hotter than 110
And I could tell he was mulling something over in his mind
Charlie cried because her car seat was too hot
And muttered something about the air conditioner
Then Ethan interjected "so, hell is even hotter than 110,
That's really hot!"
And I grinned while making my own mental rationalization of his statement:
temperature of 110 = hot, fire = hotter, hell filled with fire, hell=really hot
He's been asking a lot of questions lately, a lot.
Then I scolded Charlie for complaining about the heat, and insisted that she "get control"
{Insert deep breath} control - check
And notified them both that a lot of people didn't have air conditioning
At which they both marveled
And it was quiet.
Then I wrote a blog complaining about the heat.
It's August, and I'm ready for December.
It's just so much easier to be dressed in December.

J

2010-08-14T01:28:00.000-05:00

She's been dealt a tough-hand
Although, I'm not entirely sure a poker-metaphor accurately describes life
Hers has been hard.
She awakens everyday to the knowledge that today
Her heart beat is more dependant on the medication than the last
And she wrestles with the pain inflicted by that life-preserving medication
With life comes pain, but I never imagined it this way, her way
We muse over Twilight and ~~Robert Pattinson~~ Edward, it's a good distraction
After all who doesn't want to be loved that way.
What?- didn't you know it's really a love story, that just happens to feature vampires

Dear Robert --
It would be amazing for her to meet you
She sure could use a dream come true
At 18 the desires of your heart aren't always rational
but I still pray that she'll get them.

Yet, my hearts true prayer for her is that someday she gets to meet Jesus
And that I can be a channel through which she can see His love.
Because that's a real love story, written for us at the expense of His blood, His tears, His life.
And no matter what this life holds He knows our pain, He wants our worries, and He's patiently waiting for us to let Him in, because He will love us best.

Inspired by shark week

2010-08-08T21:35:00.013-05:00

Because sometimes you have to play the role of the quick, but not quite quick-enough defenseless seal.

To whom it may concern,

2010-08-05T13:00:00.001-05:00

I know this girl...
Who:
Loves the Lord, and knows the Word ("knows" it, like can quote me the passage from Psalms that she's been praying for me)--amazing
She makes me smile, makes me laugh, gives the best hugs and loves my kids
Lord of the Rings is her favorite
She's way smart, but not weird smart (you know there's a difference)
Is beautiful but never flaunts it (and the Gazelle is her regular form of exercise)
She:
Deserves the best, and
Is a life long friend

With her :
You can bank on owning a dog (specifically a lab)
-- or maybe you already have one?
Snow skiing would be a favorite vaca
Eating out is built into the budget (but who doesn't' love to eat out)
-- maybe you can cook?
You'll have your own live-in nurse and therapist
Whole Foods will be your grocery source
You will never lack for hand-sanitizer (let's face it, it is a germy world)
-- agree?
You get a prayer warrior and a cheerleader
Organic is a way of life, until you drive past a Dairy Queen
Art is both a hobby and a source of income (happy to be her first paying customer)
-- what's your hobby?
Your heart will be full
And while we all know the perfect girl doesn't exist, maybe she's perfect for you!

Happy Birthday Baby...

2010-08-04T00:00:00.003-05:00

August 4th was your due date
If you were anything like your older sister, you would have come on your own terms
But let's face it there can be but ONE Charlie!
I am sure we would not be remodeling...but I am sure I would be decorating, and planning, and baking, and welcoming all the family and friends that would gather to celebrate you!
One year of life
You'd make a great addition to the imaginary world of your brother and sister
And you'd fit smack in the middle of your cousins (although I'm not sure you'd be ready to keep up with the Hurricane)

If I let myself,
I see that day and I can feel it all over again
The panic, the confusion, the disbelief, the pain
My hand squeezes your daddy's
My eyes search the screen for your movement
My ears strain to hear the beat of your heart
And for a second my eyes leave you to scan the face of the technician
And then I do it all over again, because I'm missing it, all of it
You're body is still and your heart is silent
You're gone
And my heart breaks because already I love you, already you're mine
I thought you were mine to keep
But HE had a different plan
You were always HIS, mine only for a few weeks
But you made me stronger, made me trust HIM more
And I know someday you'll welcome me HOME; I can't imagine your face, but I'm sure I'll know it and there HE will keep us both!

I cried for you again today baby girl.
I don't let myself very often.
But today is your day - so for today it's okay.